Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Career Day: Politicians

Why Become a Politician?....because LOL... it's like Freaking AWESOME!!! 

Becoming a politican is a terrific civic minded thing to do, by deciding devote one's life to public service, one (mostly land owning men) get to shape the destiny of our country. Plus you get flithy swim in a vat of steaming gold & wipe your ass with USD 100 dollar bills (Pak rupee depreciates far too much) rich.

Women have a significant number of reserved seat in the national and provincial assemblies, they don't seem to have the influence to go with it. Because the truth of the matter is women MNA's are picked by Men. 

Minister or MNA, most people can't tell differentiate . Just because a car has a tacky MNA emblem emblazoned accross the licencse plate doesn't mean that they are a sitting minister. Though I do wonder, that if an MNA car is involved in a hit and run, how exactly do you explain that.....after all.....which MNA? There are hundreds and they seem permanent ensconced in the major cities. In fact some have body doubles and chill in all of them.

The beauty about male politicans is that they don't really have to be the politican. Here comes the MNA....well, he's actually not the MNA, but his wife you can say he is the real MNA. To be fair, in Argentina after their President stepped down, his wife was elected President. My Hero. 

As a political stalwart you get to drive on the lyari expressway and talk about how your hard work had a vital role in building it and without your support that this would never have come into being. Ofcourse this discounts the fact that the express way has been shut down for the day...but who gives a shit about the bloods all the way!

Awesome bandookh brandishing body guard, it's every guys dream to be a hero, but to have your own personal blackwater style army. How freaking awesome is that....and since we have testosterome control issues, we are completely capable of finding new conflicts with which to use them...So we can't pick fights with the other political parties because we don't want the military stepping in, dissolving parliament and subsequently kicking our asses....we can't fight with the military since they have alot more guns...and nukes than we maybe we can pick a fight with those rural bandits...or terrorists....or whatever the US decides to call them this week.

Babes Babes Babes. One cannot say a man chooses politics because of hot women MNA , even though there are a few, and they seem pretty subservient . Women are suckers for power. Don't worry, men are suckers for hot girls. So it works out. This whole navigating a corporate life in order to get the car, the house, the ladies and the big fat bank account is much more efficiently achieved by going into politics.

Loose morals are a plus, in politics you don't have to be squeeky clean (infact it is an utterly devastating disadvantage).

All you need is: Land, Land, Land and friends in Politics...blood relations already in politics is an added bonus. If no land is present, pretend you do, go to a far flung bit of Pakistan and announce yourself as their savour, promise to bring them the world's biggest mosque (because the town's 38 people really can't keep using that verandah anymore), build huge dams, have massive subsidies, free food & water etc  and also claim to be related to the most influential person their, if they don't buy it, then wed that guy's daughter (note: do not forget to leave her there...afterall, moving away from home is very traumatic and you wouldn't want that for your jaanuman) or just marry the Quran 4 times if (she's really really....really ugly and if) you can swing it.

Politicians look really powerful and important, but the truth is that cumulatively, other than attending parties at the Marriott, show boating on TV and occasionally showing up the assembly to lambast the opposition, there isn't a whole lot to do. Though i'm sure that they get really sweet business cards that probably disintegrate whenever a government is dissolved (our printing costs must be insane).

So to all of you nice unemployed folk out their, do us all a favor and adjust your career path to Politics! It's rewarding even though you may never reach heaven. 

Monday, April 26, 2010

Feministas: To All Ye Bra Burners

Men don't like Feminista's, it's nothing personal, we just feel that they suck at life.....

Now I'd like to clarify what I mean by Feministas, I have no actual problem with the idea of feminism, after all, that's just bad form. A feminista on the other hand is nothing more than a rabid female debater from a super liberal college that is convinced that basic things like shaving unattractive body hair and looking clean was an oppressive measure enforced upon women to further subjugate the emanicpation of their mind, and the only way to escape from this yoke of oppression is to find themselves as individuals and reject man's crazy basic hygiene. Feministas are equivalent to Fundamentalist murdering nut jobs as compared to Islam, the religion of peace.

Feminista's like talking about women's rights, they are forever pointing out the unfair laws that our ravaging our country that makes them just want to leave and set up shop in a western country more receptive to their demands for equality. Well, there is an idea.

Then once they get a law that they've been advocating for, women's activists join the feministas in talking about how that even if the law was to be considered fair, that in practice society doesn't treat women fairly. What the hell do you want from us?

Now let's be clear here, I and every other person who thinks little of you, has every right to treat you anyway I like. Countries and societies alike don't really follow law, they follow their social norms. Just by legalizing the right to marry 4 wives simultaneously doesn't make it socially acceptable you nitwits.

When someone is interviewed for the job, companies just don't look at qualifications, there is this thing called 'best fit', where Human resource managers get to decide whether or not you and your feminista advocate insanity is a good fit for the organizations. Now as most work places are run by men, who are largely conservative status quo, are unlikely to feel that your version of what life ought to be like is particularly relevant. Nor are they likely to be impressed by the butch, I am as good as man, so that's why I'm wearing a man's suit to the interview....For the love of God, you aren't being asked or expected to dress like a whore to an interview (unless it's for the adult film industry or you are looking for a new pimp), but social norms have their place, particularly if you are going to a company to a job in the first place.

Unless the person interviewing you is blind, he can probably ascertain who you are, and what you are about. First impressions are damning. Which is why showers, basic hygiene and a respectable appearance is required, and believe it or not, these are actually fair, if a guy showed up to an interview in shorts and a TV-Shirt, he isn't going to be hired either.

Infact if a man came to an interview wearing a skirt (scottish kilts are an exception, but only the dressy kind), he'd likely be shown the door as quickly as legally possible (Lawsuits are as a big a bitch as feministas).

What do feministas want? to be treated as equals? to be treated as men. News Flash, women are not men, nor can they ever be. Don't worry, we can't be women either, no child is going to come sprouting out of any man any time soon.

Fashionista's annoy me as well, but atleast they provide some visual public good. So for all of you non-feminista chicks out there, God bless you, and believe or not, we like your bra's to remain right where they are. Because we are supportive like that.

My biggest peeve about feminists is how disingenuous are, I wouldn't call them rabble rousers, because the truth is that they are largely marginalized (common sense prevails, whippee!).

The biggest minomer that Feministas present is that they are actually normal every day women, who enjoy shopping, wearing lipsticks and naturally straight men. Horse shit.

Well, if they like shopping so much, one would expect their usual dress to entail more than the 'made by women' shirt they found in a dumpster ten years ago, if they like wearing lipstick, they ought to pony up and start wearing it and the truth is that they don't want a normal straight man, they want a spineless man lacking the self respect to say, hey, your issues with society is not my fault.

They want guys who agree with the notion that women are oppressed and are grateful that this fine superior self aware woman finds him worthy of her company. Oh, and there are ofcourse the lesbian feministia's who use their 'movement' as a ploy to bag chicks by making them passionately 'self aware'. props to the seduction technique, a good thing that you picked that trick off men in the first place you hypocrites.

What the hell are feminists problems with Bra's? Is the support unwelcome? Do you have to burn the damn things? Doesn't china already have the rest of the world by it's balls without you adding a couple of extra containers full of bras? If you don't wear bra's, fantastic, just do the rest of society a favor and be sure to wear a nice white cotton shirt on a rainy day.

What are you complaining about? women are allowed (though not encouraged) to work, by picking a fight with the mullahs, politicians etc, your not changing anyones mind, your just making other groups more hostile to you and marginalizing your horomonal imbalanced driven views even more than they already are.

Here is what I recommend, get a wax job, make yourselves attractive as possible, develop several cogent arguments (in the probably event of your failure, I'm sure a few well paid men could supply you with a few), stop blaming everyone else and spewing hate (unproductive; anyone seen Osama?). It just makes us think you are crazy and that if your Daddy (or sugar momma) wasn't supporting you that you'd be a hobo. Take some medication to simmer down and perhaps enjoy a few massages.

From time to time, I meet a Feminista who points out some random odd ball guy who is a Feminist. Now my question is how in love is that guy with you and secondly, I delicately inform that lady of virtue that he thinks that by being a male Feminist he'll get laid. oh and on third note, there are more than one terrorists, but you wouldn't want to join that list would you? Plain, flat and fucking simple.

Burn bombs not Bras. Bombs kill people, Bra's result in marriage inducement. Luckily, Feminista's have a lower likelyhood of reproducing, so feel free to keep up the rabble rousing as your less feminista'ish rivals all live happy fulfilling lives.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Man Up Hour: Bro's Before Beau's

How many brave men have been lost to relationships with clingy controlling women? How many pure souls must be sacrificed to appease the female dieties. Far too many guys date far too many controlling women, for the simple reason that controlling women are the only ones left in circulation.

Men want the same thing from their perfect piece of under wear as they do from their perfect woman; a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. If we don't get that, a life of misery beckons.

As men are not entirely perfect, periodically mistakes are made (the selection process is a crap shoot; Styles & Sizes vary brand to brand...which is why mothers do most of the shopping for us, till we decided to be independent), and in the thrill of man's independence, tragedy strikes and you see a friend get a bit too star struck with his own freedom and acquire an inappropriately tight pair.

You tell him over and over again, that he (or in actuality his friends) will live to regret it (what mommy doesn't know won't hurt her).

But we're men, if it hurts, we grim and bear it telling ourselves that we'll get used to it, grow into it even and our friends will make do with our sour pained expressions....except for shoes.... Men must wear comfortable shoes (it's easier to scurry across the heavy traffic on II Chundrigar in comfortable shoes).

Tragically, it's a pretty common occurence, a close loyal friend suddenly ensares himself a seemingly sweet woman friend. Covert operations ensue, after all, you wouldn't want everyone to know about your new Armani Egyptian Cotton boxers, you wait to make sure it's worth the excitement. 

Before you proclaim to the world, usually on face book, or tweet; 'I have found the one, come see and tell me how awesome I did, but don't touch ya, that's just too much londa pan'; this proclaimation is not uncommon, as men can have very stimulating conversations about the last legendary dump they took.....usually, when excitment strikes calls are made to the network whilst still on the toilet (blue tooth and hands free is a blessing... talk about the simple pleasures in life; In fact, I have man friends who make their most important calls from the pot. Say what you will, but we are time efficient).

At first, men are inclined to naturally humor their friends, in your heads you think, 'Silly man, everyone thinks they find the one atleast a dozen or so times', but the real question is are you ready to handle the one right now

After all, people change, tastes change, sizes change, put on a little weight, lose a little weight, flabby muscles and just plain flab wreak havoc on your life's choices. Is your one, flexible? Is it of suitable quality? After all, it's a commitment, you can't just go to the bazaar and pick out another pair, the one you have will get jealous....if you do, make sure to hide it....different drawers.

You should however try to empathize, after all, it might even be your friend's first (Armani's are super comfy) and young romance is nothing to scoff at mind you (but you roll your eyes anyway), and at first you are glad for him (man law requires overt displays of 'Well done, you shagged a good one right there'). 

But then your pal changes, sometimes literally; he's got a fancy new hair cut that requires as much product as is legally permissable, his new array of designer clothes reek of credit card debt and his appearances at friend's outings become as common as a parliamentarian showing up at the assembly. The realization strikes 'That bugger thinks because he has the one he's better than everyone." If a guy thinks having a girlfriend is a terrific status symbol, he is unfortunately mistaken, as far as your guy friends are concerned, your friend is her new accessory. Infact she can call him I-friend, have him chauffer her around, run errands, speak when spoken too etc. He has been sacrificed to the alter of women, but he doesn't know it yet....

Believe it or not, after guys are done laughing about their friends utility maximizing, they silently fume, they are pissed, but in the end, are just plain sad that their comprendo is never around anymore. 

So as petty (actually horrible) as it sounds they wait for the day the (hopefully) inevitable break up happens, because then he'll be free and need his boys again to roam the earth.....preferably in a hilux.

After all, the gang wickedly imagines, the sheer volume of hair product will have induced baldness, he can't afford hair plugs now that his credit card(s) are maxxed out (supply it and a relationship will consume it as my venerable economics professor once said) and he'll give all of his old clothes to the Edhi foundation because they'll remind him of her.....the one. Bloody hell, you feel mildly sadistic now for wanting this...but it's for your friends own good!

Assuming the relationship is still in play, it is your duty to support him through this tough time, even if you feel entitled to his regular attention. 

Where should a guys priorities be? To his gang of friends or to his potential partner (if this was a democratic process, its pretty apparent who would win).

But alas, circumstances have changed. The balance of priorities have shifted, the only time he (is allowed to) contact his gang is when She deems it appropriate (she's busy) or when his testosterone levels have dangerously diminished and are in drastic need for replenishment in the form of man time; good mint Shisha, man talk and perhaps a game of football.

While we may appreciate that our fallen comrades life has changed (hopefully for the better),  it's still hard to get around the female induced disloyaly. Guys will always support a Bro, which is why Obama got elected yo!

Our bonds are the only thing that tie us to this world, and the bonds of brotherhood are absolute. Guy's don't judge each other and are instead support each other stupidity much in the same way residents do their local politicans, consistently and without reason.

It's not that we don't care, but we've developed friendships that supersede each other's inadequacies, we don't sweat the small stuff. Women (as ever evolving creatures) like changing their partners and are quite liberal in doling out constructive criticsim.

It damages a guy's ego levels and his masculinity, the only medically approved treatment is man time, in particularly serious cases, we fly into Dubai or PC Bourban I mean Bhurban for immediate treatment. Vast sections of the Bro Code by Barney Stinson will be reviewed.


From time to time guys will admonish their whipped friend for his lax man time. Meeting your guy friends is an important ritual, one that should be taken seriously and occur frequently....daily in some cases. When the funny obscene text message stream abruptly end, the time for extreme action is  these matter to us, it keeps us connected, just because they aren't to your taste doesn't mean the rest of man kind shouldn't. 

Guy's don't give other guy's ultimatums on the status of their partner, as far as we are concerned, that's his business and as long as he's happy, grim and bear it. Girlfriends on the other hand, show no such restraint, they see his time, as their time, and ought to be allocated as such (well, to her preferences). 

Relationships are finite and most of their shelf lives expire well before wedding bells. The most endearing relationships guys have are with his amigos, they are as special as a golf club (it'll last forever if properly maintained and you don't do anything stupid with it). 

No islamic contract required or family pressure needed, we choose to chill together and telling us that we can't is a slap in the face. Afterall my soon to be sister-in-law (we are serious about the brotherhood), how do you think your guy got so damn awesome in the first place? If you make us hate you, the odds are your relationship isn't going to stand the test of time. We are prepared for that, men are excellant at damage control, which is why the Fire department is man staffed.

We are all enfused with the desire for a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex (it's only natural...genetic procreation insanity some would say), and we want that for each other. However, the bonds of brotherhood are just as vital and shouldn't be taken for granted. 

Obviously there needs to balance and most relationships need alot of time investment. But there is a chasm of a difference between neglecting friendships and nurturing a potential life partner. It's just bad form, and that's just cricket (fair). 

Man Up Hour; Lose that vital level of man time, and trust me ladies, you have no idea what the hell your getting yourself into. It's very simple, the more you try to control a guy, the more he's going to covertly piss you off. The ones that are too spineless to do so are a waste of space. So let them have that much desired man hour. We'll have him home at a reasonable hour, unless ofcourse the police arrest us for something we can't bribe ourselves out off. 

Before you know it, the happy couple has announced their engagement and your attending their wedding. Still a bit shell shocked by the occasion, you wish them well, but you still feel compelled to find a private corner with your remaining comrades and empty a bottle for your fallen homie. Woman:1 : Man: 0

When that happens, it is the guys friends who are left picking up the pieces. The reason for that is because friends are like bra's, close to the heart and always there for support.

So the next time your lady friend (for the millionth time) asks you to cancel plans with your boys, look her straight in the eyes, shrug your shoulders and say 'Gotta chill with the boys, later'.

Then again, on occasion it is just time to say 'farwell, good friend, may you live in interesting times and don't let the door hit you on the way out, because loyalty is a two way street'

We are Bro's and with some genetic fault will always be there to help each other out and tell each other that we are funny when we are not.

I will say that over doing it or being over committed isn't a one way street and is prevalant both ways. For girls, it's the pressure to settle down asap and for guy's family pressures tend to take their toll. So investment one's time, money and sanity takes a whole new meaning.

Bro's Before Beaus yo! Tweet It OUT!!! 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Council of Man: Man Made Movement!

Pakistani’s need a new kind of political force to sweep the nation, (not another sycophantic NGO or dissident party), I think it's time for a party that will represent MEN. I'd like to introduce The Man Made Movement (MMM), not to be confused with the dissident Jamaat Islami offshoot ‘Majalis and Maulanas Rock Movement’.

The Party shall be run by the Council of Man; Members are to include Movie Star Shaan, Rocker Ali Noor, Cricketer Shahid Afridi, Celebrity George Clooney, Golfer/Womanizer Tiger Woods and PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt. I nominate myself as communications director and the Chief Councilor of MMM (CM).

Our official symbol will be the Man Salute (Borat style High Five, followed by chest bump) to be recognized as the official symbol for Peace, Love and Brotherhood. We are also willing to undertake the risk of Swine flu and other diseases spreading exponentially, which would increase pharmaceutical firms share price and hence attract foreign investors.

In an innovative new concept, our parliamentary votes will openly be for sale, probably via E-bay. A significant percentage of the revenues will be used for the upliftment of men, the remaining portion is expected to stimulate the entertainment sector's contribution to the western notion of 'Bachelor Parties'....we also recommend Las Vegas trips....strongly.

There seems to be outrage over parliamentarians entitled perks, we feel that this needs to be corrected immediately and the PR be turned over to the MMM communications staff. The MMM advocates a position where all of the various perks such as Free Chai, Peons, Land Cruisers, Salary, Security detail, Air travel etc. This will be explained in exhaustive detail and used as part of an advertising campaign to actively recruit the youth into considering a career in politics....worked for the Armed Forces. Alternatively, bankers and other high level corporate positions packages can be revealed and vilified through the media.

Men’s Rights Bills;

There seem to be a lot of bills floating around for Women, I think men ought to get in on the action as well. After all, we vote too!!!

Men's Anti-Violence Bill; where forcing men to roam bazaars with women is deemed an affront to a man's emotional condition. We recommend Lassi treatments.

Battered Men bill; for men who are beaten by their wives. The men will be sentenced to bootcamp/prison for 6 months and will emerge as a Desi version of Rambo, complete with Vedera moustache and long range chalia spitting skills.

Man-ic depression to be recognized as a medical problem and special vacation leaves will be established (men love holidays); if women get maternity leave, so should guys....guys know how exhausting it is to work fulltime, manage their wives and their children all at the same time. We deserve some time off…preferably away in Dubai.

Establishment of a Man Rehabilitation Centre: A man exclusive treatment centre, Guys will be retaught the basics of fight club, how to watch cricket, smoke a Sheesha, blow smoke rings and curse like a man, be proficient in Kabbaddi, beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and be conditioned not to cry. For extra fees, complete emotional detachment courses will also be covered. We propose the location to be near an all girls college.

We advocate a permanent 5 day work week, working 6 days a week is highly annoying, though we are mindful of the fact that women feel that they live in perpetual a 7 day work week. We feel that if MMM is successful in procuring an extra day off Pakistan’s largely male workforce will increase their productivity, be less irritable, enhance their family communication skills and help out more in the house work.....maybe...

Influence on Foreign Policy: High Fives being the way the President and other high level diplomats meet foreign leaders, it'll make Pakistan seem cooler to our allies and we'll get more foreign aid money; “Aw shucks, I had to give them the USD 5 billion Aid Package, he high fived me and let us have the meeting at a golf course, those Pakistani dudes is awesome.”

We also propose giving the United States and other key Allies fake keys to the nuclear arsenal. If they ever try accessing it, we can blame the Indian Locksmith we used.

We all want seats on the parliamentary committee for sport. And free tickets to sporting events, yes, it's corrupt, but we are okay with it.  In exchange the party guarantees support any legislation related to religious morality. Quid pro quo.  

Sponsor and Host the first ever Man Olympics; Burping, farting and Eating contests, as well as tests of endurance of who can watch sports for the longest time without falling asleep. Events such as long distance spitting and arm wrestling are also under consideration. We conservatively project revenues from sponsorship, tourism and participation fees to be in the billions.

Holidays on all major and minor sporting occasions coupled with guarantees of no load shedding during sporting events. If we fail to support our national teams via television viewer ship ratings then we are indeed Un Patriotic Pakistani and our players have every reason to fix matches.


World Peace bill: because we are international like that and demanding Peace is good inane politics. Precocious amount of blame will be leveled at Zionist scum for political pandering purposes.

A National What Up Day! A day celebrating ‘what up’, this will not just be for guys, but everyone. Every Pakistani citizen will be legally ‘encouraged’ (Anti-Terrorism Police and Rangers will be in charge of enforcement) to say what up to each other and give each other high fives, this will not only increase our tourism revenue.

More man space in shopping malls; Gaming Arcades, Kabaddi rings, indoor football and cricket space are to be incenticized. Men get bored in such consumer based environments and feel very pathetic following our womenfolk around (we can't let them go out alone, otherwise that might compromise their morality and our manliness).

Put the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on every TV channel by law. It is also recommended that a Cleric be found who is willing to proclaim the show is totally halal.

Abolish drug usage rights, grow, manufacture, export and tax. If this is not possible, the Council of Men is willing to compromise on a wide ranging subsidy on Glue. Trade with the Netherlands should increase by several billion dollars annually.

The Party promises to work for subsidies on foreign electronic equipment like big screen Tv's, Play stations and Cars (No Mini Coopers or any feminine looking cars; Proof of manliness required….like a copious number of cup-holders and ashtrays)


Outlaw 4 marriages. Please. We can't do it anymore. The potential nagging, the whole 'if your tired of this wife, get another one, God lets you have 4' .....The law was made hundreds of year ago!!!! What the hell did we or the last 20 generations of men have to do about it? We only defend it because we want to be good Muslims. How many men do personally know who have more than one wife? Seriously. 

We demand that women be given as many rights as legally permissible, if for no other reason than to end their incessant whining. They whine less, we can enjoy our cricket matches and TV shows in peace....that is of course until they imagine something else to whine about.

The Big Idea.

The truth is that men want women to have their rights as well, but when the realm of religion versus vague traditions and political practicality come into play, we are typically at a loss to explain why, because it’s considered bad form to argue with ones elders and we have no desire to irritate the Almighty. So relax, and watch the MMM take over!

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fundamentalist Nut Job Society: Women

I had a dream, nay a vision (dreams are for black people named Martin Luther King) of the perfect Islamic fundamentalist society, one where the Taliban could live in peace with the rest of the modern world. Where morality rules supreme and society would reflect the fundamentalist mindset that these brave warriors of Satan God are fighting for.

It would be glorious, all the malls would be converted into huge mosques, Mc'Donalds would serve Mc'Mullahs Wraps made with 100% halal products, and every hour would have a prayer break, where the traffic stops, people stop whatever they are doing, get out of their cars and pray....for the next prayer break to be just as awesome. When they get back in their cars, the Islamic version of gospel would be blazing..Ghazals and Qawali's replace the immoral techno beat. Chris Brown gets blown away (not literally) by the Qawali Kings.

Women would be perpetually covered, and barely ever allowed to leave the home (and never without male supervision protection, unless it was to go to hospital...all women hospitals, of course. Because women have their own state of the art prisons shopping facilities. In fact all facilities that women may at some point have to enter will be completely segregated....except prisons.

Here are some fictitious excerpt from an interview that may mythically take place between a liberal girl and a woman who is slightly more conservative in nature. I call them;

 Mullah Madame                    Liberazzi

Mullah Madame: Very simple put, there would be no reason for prisons. By Islamic Law, there is no need for female prisons as the men serve the sentences for their wives crime
Liberazzi: Isn't that unfair?
Mullah Madame: Bitch, look at your chest, now. Whose side are you on?

Liberazzi: How do Women Get Around?
Mullah Madame: All women would have male chauffeurs. If not, they can either share, or there are all women public transportation available. In fact, all the buses function as pick and drop services to the homes as well. It's very practical, particularly after a hard day of shopping.

Liberazzi: It appears that you have a Playboy publication....but it's sales pale in comparison to Playgirl....which only has male models....why? 
Mullah Madame: Yes, it is so that the male species know what we women expect from them. They are so eager to please us since Muslim men are the most perfect, caring considerate type of man in the world.
Liberazzi: ......Realistically, wouldn't only gay men be interesting in buying these publications?

Mullah Madame: Muslim men are not gay. This is not even possible. They don't even poke each other on bookface (facebook). In fact, they are so not gay, whenever they go on religious pilgrimages and are sleeping in proximity with each other, well technically spooning, they affirm their manly hood by yelling out 'no homo', in a particularly crowded tent, you can hear that over the sounds of 'Allah Akbar' (God is Great).

Everyone would be morally sound (Islamically), even if they are not, their twitter statuses would reflect their super morality. So everyone would live happy existences, pretending to be better human beings than they actually are, knowing that if they step out of line, society will kindly correct their behavior through a thorough regiment of physical beatings, indoctrination and mental 'guidance'.

Everyone would be Educated.... in the Quran All other knowledge is blatantly unnecessary. People would live happier lives without learning or even knowing off any contrary interpretations of the text.

No one would go hungry, as the government would always provide food to the poor, but don't expect any Mc Donalds or Pepsi......soft drinks consumption might become punishable by death. Demand for Falafel would be legendary.

The one downside is that the the US would eventually bomb it.

A Few Other Idiosyncrasies

Women shaking hands with men would be an offense punishable by lashing. No explanation required. Tickets will be sold for the publicly broad casted event. 

Children would be given military training to protect the Muslim ummah. A surprising number would be sent to boarding schools....yeah, lets call them that. ...where they will learn how to tend to and kill sheep. Besides, armies are EXPENSIVE!!!

Freedom is overrated, Islam has all the freedom you could possibly want. 'A woman who is able to a live a life free from rape is freer than any woman in the west, where women are treated like pieces of meat.'....About that.

Muslim version of South Park. It would be fucking magical. Cartman can be the Mullah.

Liberazzi: Women in the media, would be completely covered, wouldn't this ruin their brand equity? I mean, who the hell is going to pay attention to the news if their isn't a gorgeous scantily clad woman presenting it?

Mullah Madame: The news channels are only be put on air for the sake of media, there is no real need for the news, the Quaran has all of the news we need. Besides, you can't change the weather or the news, so what's the point in tuning in? Ones' time could better be spent praying or taking care of their duties. Plant some crops or whatever. 

The Real Question?

Sometimes we have to think about the end game to realize how ridiculous the goals are in the first place. Realistically, the Taliban/Al Qaeda/ or any other religious violent group is doomed to fail in their goals, but if one were to imagine a society that they seem to promulgate, then that's actually far scarier and unrealistic than anything else. 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

For Women: How To Get A Guy

Why I Wrote This:

I feel as though I do go on a lot about the distinction between men and women, and that I ought to do something 'constructive', perhaps have some lessons on how a girl can get a guy, and perhaps some insight how to keep him, manage him well enough that he'll keep being a man, rather than just half of a couple.

Oh, and someone asked me to. Plain, flat and fucking simple.

1. Learn to Cook Food That WE like: Men Like Food. It's be socialized deep into our core. It's very simple why, when we are having a bad day, our mothers gave us awesome food. When we celebrate an achievement or a milestone, we don't go out shopping. We go out to dinner. We also have specific tastes, Some guys hate Alfredo sauce (it looks like sperm), so no matter how amazing your Alfredo Pasta is, don't make us eat it.

We will just to please you, after all it's the decent thing to do, but we will hate it and will envision a life full of Alfredo pasta. Men like Pizza, Lasagne, Nihari, Biryani, etc. We don't expect Top Chef, but comforting tasty dishes go a long way. Women exercise so they can lose weight, men exercise so we can continue eating like teenagers. If we lose weight in the process, High Five.

2. Enumerate our Awesomeness: Tell your target that he's awesome, we like being told how awesome we are. Be as descriptive as possible, if you find the odd metro-sexual man who actually gets his eye brows done, work that in somewhere. Comparing us to famous good looking bad ass actors works well; Robert Downing Jr = Thumbs Up. Effeminate weird chaps like Zac Effron and Hugh Grant = Thumbs the HELL down.

If you tell us that we are awesome and good looking, we are unlikely to disagree with you (it's ungentlemanly) and will definitely believe that you possess sterling taste. Just because we pretend we don't believe you or don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that we don't like hearing about it as much as a superficial teenage girl. It's hard to go overboard, but one should remember that if you are looking to date a guy, he wants a partner, not a groupie.

3. Share our Interests but Within Reason: Men like girls who like doing things outside of restaurants and shopping malls. If a guy likes going bowling or sailing, develop an interest. In that vein we think it's cool for you to know something about our chosen passionate sport, but it's quite another to provide factual reasoning why our chosen team is overrated/sucks/Pathetic.

 And for the love of all that is pure, beautiful and bound to reproduce at some point, DONOT SUPPORT ANOTHER TEAM. Ignorance we can take, but odds are we've been following our teams a lot longer than you've been following us.

NOTE: Most men are Supporters; They'll stick with their team through thick and thin as opposed to Fan; The fair weather bandwagon Supporters. Here is the difference; A Football fan can list most of the starting eleven, a supporter can list the entire first team squad, reserve team and injury status of all the returning players. If a man is a supporter, don't mess he will not forgive you. If he's a fan, he will eventually forgive you for any affront.

4. Respect our Space: Do not intrude on our personal space unless we invite you. Think in terms of Man Zones. Our desk (work or otherwise) is a complete man zone, we don't want cute pictures of crap or adorable's our space.  There is a reason why golf courses were men only for a long time....then Tiger Woods came along and messed everything up. Tiger and his tea break hussies.hmmph

5. Boy's Night: It is Holy; Do not plan dates on our boys nights....Never Ever....EVER. God Asked Us To Pray 5 Times A Day, so the boys could hangout at the mosque and catch up that often. Women are not allowed in the mosque or on Boys night. Please don't butt in, because even if we don't want you to come, we'll let you. But we will resent you for it. We need to replenishment our testosterone and doing disgusting manly things like compare fart noises.

6. Win the Wolf Packs Approval: Now very simply put, very few guys date girls that their friends collectively hate or think is ugly. Until wearing masks become acceptable, your best shot of getting a guys crew to like you (and protect him from incessant 'I can't believe you'd even consider going out with her') is to make them like you. It's very easy. Feed Them and tell them all how they are awesome.

Pretend to care what we are talking about. It works both ways, guys will pretend to care about how your nails aren't perfectly manicured, but we really appreciate it if you could return the favor. Unlike women, men are also more gullible so we will actually believe you.

7. You are a Girl, Dress like it, and Dress Well: Men do not like dating tomboy sloppy girls. Our perception of women is lady like wannabe models, while women expect guys to dress like slobs (even though we don't).

Remember, Men don't always go out with the hottest girl available, push comes prefer girls who take pride in the way they look, no matter what their chosen style is, whether it's tank tops, Shalwar Kameezes, Hijab's or even Socialite Runway Model stuff. The better you dress the more likely a guy is going to notice you and be attracted to you. Dudes don't want to bring home the sloppiest dressed girl available unless they are trying to pick a fight with their parents or if she's pregnant....Parent's just pray it's the former.

8. We Believe In Timing: Women like jumping from step to step, like clock work. A guy is not going to be comfortable discussing the name of his first child a week (or first few months) into a relationship. It freaks us out and makes us think that you only want to be with us so you can get married before you become too old and wrinkly (btw, we don't notice those first creases on your face that you fret about, we still see the pretty damn hot girl).

It's not our fault that families expect their daughter to wed by their middish twenties. We are men, we have no biological tick tock. When we are ready for the next step (assuming there ought to be one), we'll do it when the time is right, don't pressure us unless you want us to run the other way towards something of a younger vintage. When we want to go out with you, we'll ask you.

9. Deciphering the Man: The most efficient way to get to know a particular guy, is to see how he interacts with his mother or what he says about her as he regales you about his personal life. Men are taught to interact with the opposite sex through their family, if his mom is domineering sort with him, you have a good shot at controlling him too. It's his comfort zone after all. Mimic the Mom and You have your strategy. I'd also like to add that if the guy is a douchebag with his mother, then you should really move on, because that's precisely how he will treat you, despite any initial lovey doveyness. Think of it as an aborted attempt at change after we've already gotten the girl.

10. Smile at Us: Men are suckers for a nice smile, the genuine naturally sweet smile that all girls have within them. As opposed to the superficial camera perfect smile that's constructed primarily for societies cultural manner obsession. Seduce us, we'll sort the rest out later once our wallets are empty.

PS: There are exceptions to all of these rules, but they by and large they work.

The Big Idea: 

Men pursue women, women pursue men, both should have the tools of how to attract each other and in fact result in a meaningful relationship. Women by in large don't understand men, they don't realize that men try to appear just plain better than we actually are, and that women do the same. If you like a guy, I recommend figuring out why and what you are willing to do to ensnare him. As far as men are concerned, if we truly like a girl, we'll move mountains stone by stone...which is why we like explosives and things that go boom!

If you have many failed relationships, don't worry, practice makes perfect.....I think.

A version of this article appeared in Dawn's Sunday Review.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Gangsters: The Poster Boys For Efficient Governance!

Why I Wrote This:

I Loved the Godfather (All of them, though the first stands out), and the truth is that men typically do, every man has a Don Corleone part of him and loves the uncompromising principled approach of the Mob Bosses depicted in the Movies.

It was in my Don Corleone mindset and general thoughts about gangsters that I had a eureka moment. I know exactly who we can blame Pakistan's culture of corruption, back dealing, etc on......Mario Puzo (Author of the Godfather book) and Martin Scorcese (Director of the Godfather Movie). 

Now I am of the belief that Pakistani politicans in their younger days saw the Godfather and loved it as much as I did and promised themselves that, that was who they want to grow up and be like. Now imitation is the best form of flattery, so maybe we can place the blame of Pakistan contunuing descent into the abyss of corruption and poor governance on younger Zardari's, Sharifs, Altaf Hussains watching the 'Godfather'. But the problem is, that imitation is still imitation. You need the real deal, and unfortunately, these guys are in fact amateurs....the nut jobs even have a T-Shirts made.... WTF, ever heard of Omerta or plausible deniability....

With increasingly irate frequency I am repeatedly informed (with the strongest possibly authority) that 'Pakistan is run by a punch of amateur Gangsters', now I normally nod, smile and count the seconds in which the tirade finally ends (and I typically do) with the added emphasis that we need to kill all of these political divas and replace them with either some obscure separatist group or some 'good honest people' (who may as well be a separatist group). However, having expended some gray matter on the issue, I'm made some important conclusions.

I've derived the great folly of our ways....we don't need to just eliminate the gangsters and replace them with honest folk, we just needed to replace these amateurs with truly professional mob bosses.

Now I realize how silly (yet brilliant) this sounds but bear with me;

Excellent Legislative Records: All of their laws are passed and implemented immediately. Minimal time is spent haggling over the details. With their kind of efficiency all things are possible, even unjust ones. You ask a guy and he gets it done. No mess, no public haggling or pathetic pandering. Things get done ASAP.

Fewer Press Leaks: More often than any one would like, there are breaches of security and the media leaks information citing un-named sources. Under a professionally Mobster run administration these would drastically  fall.The press corps may have to reduce their newspapers number of pages as they run out of dumb quotes from 'Senior government officials', so it's a win win situation really. As it is the press is getting a bit big for their boots....saving Pakistan with the expression of ideas, free though and information...bah. A starving educated man is just as hungry as a starving uneducated man. 

Money Makers: Say what you will about their methods, but Gangsters run highly Profitable enterprises. They not only keep a healthy profit margin but deliver a superior product. They are also highly innovative and find practical solutions to problems; we expect these to continue. If professional mobsters were in charge of the country, they'd definitely find creative effective way in 'encouraging' the local tax defaulting citizenry to pay their taxes.

Revenue are Just like Taxes: The only differences is that the mafia makes sure you pay them. This will lessen the burden on richer salary paid Pakistanis who are almost entirely responsible for keeping the country afloat. Hey Mr. 'I'm just a poor farmer', stuff that opium up your A$$ because the Mafia is going to tax & collect....

Swift justice: The Godfather is really Chuck Norris. He Kills in His Sleep (Note: Chuck Norris doesn't sleep...he waits) ...he's also never been seen with a gun...why?...Because he is Chuck Norris.

Family Style Loans: The Banking system is generally obsessed with the concept of 'collateral' needed, just 'friendship' and services to be rendered later. Gangsters take care of their friends with whatever they need, they understand the value of friendship and the bonds of brotherhood etc. And it's because they know that they'll get paid back one way or another.

We really do need to start thinking of the government as our extended family. There whenever we need them...minus the F**K ups. A Mafioso run society is a well cared for society. 

Personal Liberties: The mobs stay the hell out of peoples personal lives, no judging or preaching time in parliament...I call it efficient. No wasting time in other peoples personal matters or feeling that they have the moral duty to speak to the people and pass resolutions promoting good morals....MORONS, DO YOUR DAMN CLUSTER FUCKING JOBS!!!

Less Corruption: lower amounts of corruption within organizitation because ppl are afraid of being caught and dying versus the status quo of pat the hand with stacks of money (or pat on the back), or a lengthy court appeal. Justice must be Fair, Brutal and Swift

Meritocracy Rules: No more lip service to meritocracy. Let the gangsters in and it'll always be the most capable ones that'll get promoted. Mafia's don't care as much about your family as they do in your ability to get shit done. Extra chances for promotion based on ability to either be a lawyer or use fire arms.

Better Security: It Freaking Works. Unlike the govt system, if you pay protection money, you will be kept safe without incurring other fees like private security guards, insurance, alarm systems, Rocket launchers etc

Enforce International 'We Have Deal': When they make a promise they tend to keep it...particularly if the other side has a bigger gun. Since all gang related agreements consist on shaking hands, nodding and perhaps a trip to the local bordello, the paper work reduction alone will save us billions in administration expenses, not to mention the benefit to the environment. The Trees Love and Appreciate you Godfathers.

Coalition of the Effective: Now I imagine how difficult this is to implement, but luckily we'll have a great deal of support from functional organizations all over the world. We can send SOS to the warlords of Eastern Europe, Drug King Pins of Columbia, Cambodia and Mexico and the scions of American society (don't be fooled, they were all original gangsters)....and now, they are just the Rich Man's Mafia.

The Yakuza, and other mobster organizations will also start placing their 'wealth' in Pakistan. And we will become the Switzerland of South Asia. We'll all get RICH BIATCH!!!

The Big Idea:

We are already hostage to a series of incompetant corrupt individual, though we are certainly allowed our 'freedoms' (to a large degree), but I feel that most of us would be happy to limit those 'liberties' in exchange for competent governance, as corrupt as they may be. Atleast they get things done. 

Jefferson once said that 'A society that is willing to give up liberty for the sake of security deserves neither security nor liberty'. But the question I tend to ask is, what is the point of individual liberties without the safety to indulge in the pursuit of happiness.

But screw that, we want it all.