Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Taliban Fight Club

The Taliban seem like a very frustrated lot, whether they are in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or anywhere in the world. They have so much hate and ideological madness, I think it would be remiss if we as a society didn't come up with a creative solution to address their mental issues. Because wanting to be a suicide bomber ought to be officially diagnosed as a mental disorder. 

So here is my idea, Taliban Fight Club. Because there is nothing more satiating to madmen than beating someone till your arms are tired, your lips are bloody, body is bruised and you've lost so many brain cells that you can't remember what the fight was about in the first place (Hey, it worked for the Spartans), incidentally a Taliban rugby league wouldn't be amiss either.

Obviously there would have to be rules, terms and conditions that will shape the landscape of the bouts:

1. No beard tugging; Taliban typically use the space to store their weed and Mars bars...respect.
2. No weapons or safety pads allowed (including improvised explosive devices), however groin cups are permissible, but at no point can be used as a weapon; hence the Upward Thrust knockout (UT KO) move illegal.
3. Adequate clothing must be worn at all times; Taliban are highly self conscious over their jungle like body hair.
4. There will be 70 attractive Burka wearing cheerleaders (spread across nationalities to cater to differing tastes), however, they will only reveal their modest amounts of clothing if and only if the Taliban contestant win the bout. (At which point they'll realize that they don't need to die to go to heaven) 
5. Chuck Norris is not allowed to participate....ever. (There are conflicting fatwas on Chuck Norris being a demon)
6. Fights will incorporate prayer breaks to cater to multiple faiths. Islamic history does show that devout Muslim Generals praying on the field of battle, during hostilities. 
7. Male contestants eligible for "Beauty and the Geek" are encouraged to apply; Taliban are notoriously malnourished (lack of post weed munchies....hence the compensatory large beards and bulked up clothing favored by the Legions of T.... its not a fashion statement). We are looking for an uber awesome contest and there is nothing more awesome than seeing a geek unleash his inner demon and unleash his fists of fury....on that note, Go Spider Man! 

Hell, if it catches on it could even be a reality show in itself, take the contestants from the biggest loser and Jersey shore and have them fight it out. Or we could model it off the WWE/TNA and use real or real'ish people. 

I even have some snazzy Pay-per-view ideas
1. No Way Out (To be held in Tora Bora or Guantanamo, which ever is cheaper)
2. Turbans, Laces & Coke (To be held in the FBI's evidence locker or Columbia; laces to be made of Kevlar and turbans designed by Hermes, Coke will preferably be local)
3.  Hell is my Cell (Any Afghani or Iraqi prison will do)
4. Ragging Rights (Madison Square garden, fighters have to make their opponents submit by humiliating them verbally... on the spot translation will be available)
5. Battle of the Beards (to coincide with the Beard Olympics) Beards can be used as weapon to whip lash, choke etc. Person whose beard gets ripped of his (or her) face first wins.

This would also be super profitable and all proceeds can be used to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.

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