Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes you'll know that you're dead. - Tennessee Williams
Friday, December 25, 2009
In Pakistan although we get Christmas as a holiday (as it is fortunate enough to coincide with Quad-e-Azam's (Pakistan's founder) death anniversary. Regardless, I think once the merriment of Christmas is over and one can truly evaluate their gifts without the watchful glare of their relatives, they can be truly honest with how they feel.
"Gee Aunty, that Swedish cook book is extremely thoughtful, I can't wait to try to make something" means "how sweet of her to get me a gift that will make my life easier" at the time, and a day later means 'I can't wait to give this rubbish book away, who likes Swedish food anyway, what I really wanted was that Gold Locket she said looked great on me"
So I've compiled a list of people and what they really wanted...
Madonna gets a gift certificate for botox; what she really wanted was to transplant herself into a younger hotter persons body....anyone have a kid up for adoption?
Donald Trump gets the bill for his wife's expensive shopping bill; What he really wanted was a government Bail out....anyone who can loan him a Mil? He'll pay you back on Tuesday.
Tiger Woods gets a get well soon card from his sponsors; What he really wanted was his golf clubs and an "end of year bonus check'....a crash proof car wouldn't be amiss either.
Tiger Words wife gets an expensive post nuptial contract plus an island full of gold; What she really wanted was to go back in time to the minute she met Tiger, kick him in the balls and walk away.
Barack Obama gets a huge array of terrific gifts from all the foreign heads of state and every ass kisser with any relevance in the political world; What he really wanted was a gift that he is actually allowed to keep...... and that his middle name wasn't Hussein....maybe Jesus but definitely not Hussein.
George W Bush gets a ton of hate mail (as he does every other day of the year); What he really wanted was a thank you card from Barack Obama for taking the heat off him. Ungrateful Liberal!
Democrats on the hill frenziedly pass a historic a haphazard health care bill; What they really wanted was a few days off to catnap, but they weren't sure if Byrd was going to make it.
James Cameron gets millions of dollars in Movie Royalty Checks; What he really wanted was enough Oscars to use as bowling pins....and a perfect game.
John McCain gets to spend time with his family on Christmas; What he really wanted was to play war games and be President....Seriously.
Osama gets to make a video tell his followers how Christmas was the day the devil came down from Mars and vanquished all of the infidels: What he really wanted was a new Kidney and a Massage chair with a cup holder.
Ben Bernake gets to stick around as Fed Chief and be Times Man of the Year for Christmas; What he really wanted was a day in Mexico with banjo and a tequila sunrise.
Goldman Sachs get huge bonuses for Christmas: What they really wanted were New Years, Kwanza and Hunakka bonuses too....a better PR director and take over of all the world media outlets wouldn't have hurt either.
Turkeys get to be Dinner at Christmas; What they really wished was that they didn't make fun of all those Turkey's that disappeared during thanksgiving.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Here is basis my theory, people in the the disputed territories are sad, they've lost loved ones and homes on both sides, Palestinians get a lot of sympathy & lip service but not much else, Israel gets US. Support, but is constantly threatened by its neighbors. All sides have a valid point (If your response to this post so far was "where is the middle east" or "I didn't they were fighting out there", feel free to take an old stack of newspapers and bludgeon yourself to death with it).
So I have several key measures;
1. Invite Russell Peters, Chris Rock, Carlos Mencia (I don't think he's really all that funny, but even without some head gear he'll in all likelihood be mistaken for an Arab by the locals), Dane cook, the Blue collar comedy tour etc for a series of shows in the disputed territories. That they are funny is undoubtedly true, but I'm also betting that they are actually universally funny and that they're jokes will hold up in cultural translation. For eg. I'm sure folks in Israel/Palestine can also laugh along with redneck stereotypes of marrying your first cousin.....in fact it may be mainstream (Dunno if it is too mainstream, I don't believe in evidenciary support, I put it down my beliefs in conspiracy theories, the most longstanding one is that all Science is a conspiracy against the oppressed Mullahs).
I also feel that people who laugh together, eventually buddy up and find ways to get along, humanizes their adversaries. Once their laughing endorphins flow through their respective blood streams the feel good factor emerges, and they'll be way more likely to chill and who knows maybe even be homies. And Has anyone noticed that terrorists emerge from countries that have terrible comedy shows (ok, Afghanistan doesn't really have enough local TV yet, but still Saudi Arabia is terrible.... 9/11; 15-19 hijackers).
Anyway, worst comes to worst, the audience collectively hates them all and finds something in common with each other....win win either way.
2. Pretend to find Oil: Every developed country in the world plus China will make it their number one priority to solve the crisis. Even the socialist nations will find it imperative to help their Arab/Jewish brethren. Unrelenting amounts of Economic aid will be promised, favourable trade treaties, Infrastructure development treaties, maybe even schemes to reclaim a huge chunk of Sea for new settlements; the whole turkey will all the fixings if you will. They'll make it so attractive to make a deal, that both sides can't help but do it. The last round of negotiations will look like this;
Israeli Premier Benjamen 'I Likud looking tough' Natanyahu "Alright Mahmoo (Mahmoud 'I like being Head of State of a Powerless nation" Abbas), you can have Jerusalem but that means your family will have come over to our place for Hunnaka and New Years....I insist."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I am sick & tired of hearing women complaints from my male friends in relationships. So hear me now, and hear me clear women of the world!
You find it exhausting, we find it exhausting. So lets find a way to deal... make a deal even.
We can either option 1. communicate more or option 2. just ignore the differences and have a dandy old time and let the relationship runs it course....(subject to life expectancy and pregnancies)
All those who vote to "communicate more" please give your selves a hand of applause and then promptly use that same hand to slap yourself. Because communication between a man and a woman is hard to the point of insanity. Women think with more complexity than a man ever will.
All those who voted for Option two, pat yourselves in the back and realize that your significant other in all likelyhood hates you part of the time. Big deal. Nothing and Nobody's perfect (Except the big guy; he put us all in a perfectly concocted mess to test us....and have fun watching us squirm).
Ever wonder why they say behind every great man stands a woman? Its because every great man realized early on that the best way to avoid that woman was to work longer hours and be subsequently be home less.
Women are masters of subtle communication, there are more avenues that women use to communicate on that they probably don't even realize.
Men, on the other hand, like things in power point form with short attractive looking bullets. It is an insurmountable chasm that can only be bridged if both sides appreciate the difficulty of that problem.
By communicating, one prevalent theme emerges. Men don't like to change and women like change...in fact they like changing. Put it down to the Male species' adolescent appreciation of sports or having the same mindset and hobbies as from their teens; the male species doesn't like to innovate from within. Yes men have the ability to pretend to care and adjust their habits slightly by lying to their partners ('Honey, that salad you sent me for lunch was delicious, I can't wait to try the cauliflower soup tomorrow").
Women may be devious, but Men will Lie outright to avoid conflict with their Partners. (See Happily Married men blogs for details)
Hence, the dilemma, Women don't just like or appreciate change, want to be the catalyst of change in their man's life (for case studies please examine the evolving habits of whipped men everywhere). I'm not sure if its genetic and to be fair, women have to worry more about things earlier in life like settling down, having kids, having enough money to take care of kids, saving enough money for kids college, than your average male does. Essentially, we can reproduce till the day we die. Boo Yeah Father Time.
Personally, I've always found it odd how women want to change the guys they date, I mean, those poor lads were good enough for them to date in the first place, so now whats the problem? Obviously there can't possibly be so many things wrong with the man in question that act as causes for break-ups.....such is the mystery of womenfolk.
So here is what I've learnt from other people (the source of these will anonymous till my death bed or until his girlfriend beats it out of me)
Life of a couple; There are always going to be things about both people that the other wants to change, its all in how the person goes about achieving (or attempting) that change. It is a process. With woman the stereotype is more superficial in nature, like clothing, or furniture (easy enough, once it gone... its gone and men typically don't like shopping adventures) but can also be habits (which are much harder to change...on average 30 days and the source of constant nagging). As for Men, I personally think we just want women to nag less and keep your end of anything we've decided on doing.
Changing attributes in partners doesn't work unless its something that can suit both people (give & take if you will). Even then, one doesn't want to give control to the other person, which is the real flaw in communication. When a man's female partner decides to tell him exactly what she wants him to do, he'll do the opposite or at least subconsciously undermine her desires. This may lead to pretending to act in an acceptable manner, which the man will resent. Delicate exhaustive communication is required for any progress.
Eventually, after undergoing much resentment, both partners just become more understanding of each others quirks or learn to ignore things that bug them or pretend its a deficiency that is actually cute and endearing about the other.
"Oh that Ali, he still rolls his socks up into little balls and attempts free throws into the laundry basket just like when we first met, its so endearing and probably why I still love him."
Ladies, stick with option 2, life is short, you never know how long you can drag it out, hell it could even be a lifetime but do us a favor, appreciate men for what we are and love us and support us despite our frustrating limitations, we've inherently already promised to do the same. In our heart of hearts we truly want our relationships to last the race, but we don't like changing what we are to get there.
Just in case Option 1 is undertaken:
In support of Bro's everywhere I am launching
"Bro's having change issues with their Significant others Anonymous".
or BS Anonymous
The meetings will entail:
Poker Wars: We will indulge in poker (and improve members ability to bluff/lie)
Board games: Risk & Monopoly (improve their negotiation skills)
Sports hour: (discuss sports at length be used as fodder to annoy their nagging partners)
Feelings minute: Quick fire ideas how to avoid them and preferably effective means to drown them.
Nap Time: Who doesn't love a good nap without dreading their partners coming to the room to wake them to do chores.
The title is intentional, any gay members are welcome to join as their insight will be useful in subtle communications classes (until such members appear we will be practicing for the Shrugging Shoulders and burping Olympics).
Note: Any Spies found will be killed via an IV drip of grease from McDonalds. Don't mess with us. Seriously.
Member fees are nominal. All proceeds will go to charity; be used to fund future Bachelor parties...preferably in different zip codes where relationship rules will not apply and the only change is in Poker Chips.
Having spent time abroad where the mere allegation of impropriety and off-hand casual remark is can be death knell for any promising political career I find it shocking (well now not so much) that here it hardly matters. I've whittled down my reasoning to several key streams of thought of why things are the way they are:
1. Politicians don't care what the media says; Their tribal affiliations will re-ensure their re-election, dirt they have on other politicians will keep their traps shut, court cases can be dragged on indefinitely (oh and judges can be bribed too).
2. People have low expectations of Politicians; Sadly we don't hold them to a higher standard namely adhere to the law (I personally break the traffic light on every possible occasion)
3. It is more entertaining this way; We have an endless stream of entertaining scandalous YouTube clips, funny stories to gossip about in our free time and we wouldn't have it any other way. We don't have a vibrant scandal driven celeb gossip scene (Meera excepted) and in dire economic circumstances politicians act as both comedians and ambassadors for Cribs.
4. We care more about cricket than politicians; Considering the dismal state of our team and how little we care about cricket nowadays that in itself speaks volumes.
5. Fear the politicians; No one wants to get on the wrong side of an elected politician who has a truck load of Blackwater style security..hell unelected politicians have them too. So why rock the boat, I wouldn't want to put my life on the life for a few million of other peoples tax money (I pay little tax)
6. Envy; Who wouldn't be envious of a group that gets away with everything...seriously. Caught or not, Pakistani politicians are always in the clear. Hell its considered a rite of passage to have been jailed atleast once.
7. Democracy; We elected them, we know what they are like and hey democracy is better than military rule (lets forget the rapid economic growth that happened under unpopular General Musharruf...damn him for increasing our GDP!)
8. If the system ain't broke, why fix it; Life goes on, as corrupt and ridiculous as politicians are Pakistan has always seemed to get out of any predicament they've placed the country in. So all is good. Tally ho!
If this is who we choose to elect and refuse to take offense on how our country is pillaged then we deserve these kind of politicians. Let them prosper! odds our they will even without our acquiescence.
Then I realized that I don't really care what most people have to say as much as I enjoyed what latest thought was provoking the cogs in my own head.