Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments. 

The Glory of Economics (21 times)

My friend recently sent me this, so I found it particularly interesting and thought I'd share it. I even added to it. 

1. Economics prepares you for a career, not just a job. 

2. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.

3. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

4. You can say heteroskedasticity and know what it means.

5. Get drunk and tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

6. You can talk about money without ever having to make any.

7. When you are the unemployment line at least you'll know why you are there.

8. Economists do it with interest.

9. Economists can supply it on demand

10. Economists do it with models.

11. Economist are always good at assuming interest

12. Always trying to reach equilibrium in all aspects of their lives.

13. Economists are very adept at coaxing curves to do what they want.

14. Economists are always looking to take advantage of the widest spread. 

15. Always happy to explain the how the base effect will engulf certain lucky people's lives

16.  Understand that in any relationship between two variables, correlation and causation are two different things. 

17. Say 'You can never never have enough Forex' with a straight face.

18. Actually knowing why prices go up (yay for filling the fuel tank before the govt. increased prices)

19. Knowing that the latest balance of payments crisis ok, as long as the country has a generous sugar momma.

20. Economists know enough random information to hold their own in almost any conversation.

21. Economists will Export and Import with enthusiasm.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Living in a City of Boom Boom

Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes you'll know that you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Whenever their is a suicide bombing in Pakistan, I get a deluge of concerned notes asking about my and my family's health (less lately as its become a daily occurrence, and the realization that I live in Karachi which has until recently, been largely untouched by the terror campaign). 

I appreciate the concern from my friends and I thank god every day for the fact that my loved ones are safe. So far my luck has been exemplary, so I continue praying for the streak to continue (if it ain't broke why fix it). 

One of the questions I got asked a lot was 'how do you live with all the uncertainty, isn't it dangerous and make you feel unsafe?" 

A part of my wants to laugh it off, not deal with the fact that I grew up and currently live in a scary unpredictable explosive city. A part of me wants to shrug it off and be tough about it in a debonair way, but the truth is that Death (not to mention the process of dying) scares me, but oddly enough not as much as it happening to my family and friends. The rest of me just wants to to look them straight in the eye and say yes. 

A suicide bombing is a tragic thing, but as someone said 'If someone wants to trade his life for yours, there is not a whole lot you can do about it'. It is that hopelessness, and the realization in that no matter what you do, short of perpetual house arrest, that there is nothing to do. In acceptance of that reality is where I feel at peace. 

I eventually came to the conclusion that as a nation, Pakistani citizens had inadvertently put themselves through the 7 stages of grief. Obviously, everyone dealt with their own personal circumstances differently, but the pattern was the same, dealing with unexpected losses and the fallout from the mindless destructive taking of lives, perhaps even their own loved ones. 

1. Shock; Terrorist strikes are random, unexpected and in destructive. It befuddles one how a 'religious Islamic war' is fought by killing innocents. It's one thing to attack military bases, but quite another to attack markets, mosques and religious processions. How such warped backward people live in our society is shameful. 

2. Denial; We like to think that its not really Pakistanis that are behind these attacks, that evil crazy foreigners from the middle east and the dysfunctional Stan regions (Afghanistan, Uzbekistan etc) are really behind it. Sadly, for a time, we ignore all evidence to the contrary. There is also the scope where we try to deny that things are as bad as they are. Now that all the terrorists have blown themselves that we can finally live in peace.
3. Bargaining; Our government has tried it, peace agreements, peace talks, tacit agreements all to no avail. It also makes us wonder what we could do to reverse the loss? Distraught family members ask God Why them, and unleash the I wish you would have 'taken me instead' mindset. Unfortunately, God and terrorist suicide bomber do have one thing in common, their is no use for bargaining other than to make ourselves feel better. 

4. Guilt; We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel guilt. I'm sure the establishment that originally set up and supported the terrorist cells in the hope to neutralize India and control Afghanistan experience more than their fair share. One tends to blame themselves in order to reconcile with their loss. Perhaps 

5. Anger; It is unavoidable, and expressing it is a national pastime rivaling cricket. We like burning cars, looting shops, closing down entire cities with our griefs. Say what you will, but Pakistanis are intensely passionate people and inflaming an entire metropolis isn't as hard or uncommon as one would think.  Mostly, its anger at the injustice of it all, after all the people killed are innocents, whether they are in the midst of worship, or buying shoes or even enjoying a night out, there is no justice in their deaths. Whether its anger towards god, terrorists, the government, the army etc, its still pain and economically rather expensive.  

6. Depression; Feelings of hopelessness, it hits us all hard and fast. It comes and goes as it pleases. That sensation of sadness from within is mind numbing and emotion sapping. Nothing will bring those people back, and nothing will deter those maniacs who slaughter in the name of God. I personally think its a fear of the unpredictability and the realization that no one is safe. 

7. Acceptance; After a point, one has to deal with the reality of living in Pakistan. Even if one is lucky and has never known someone to have actually died in one of these horrific attacks, one must learn to live with the reality. Find their own coping mechanism, maybe even joke about it....yes I'm having a Blast...ha ha. At this stage we realize that life will never be the same but we choose to continue to see hope and meaning in the future. not necessary because we believe it, but because we have to have hope in order to go on and continuing to cherish our lives. 

End of the day you keep going, move on, live, laugh and squeeze every drop of happiness life has to offer, because you never know what day will be your last. It may sound a bit forlorn and damning but I'm not, even in the best of times life and it's duration is unpredictable. From the moment we are born to our last breath we put our lives in the hands of God and pray to him to bless us and serve at his will. The atheist alternate of 'well, the idea of dying sure sucks, thank god I have an insurance policy,' does not really seem appealing to me.  

I like to think I've reached the acceptance level, but after every attack I find myself reliving the steps over and over again. Disappointingly, I find myself increasingly desensitized to it all, rushing through the steps at increasingly record time. I abhor that change in myself, suffering and feeling emotions (particularly sad ones) is a part of life. Slowly, I feel that my humanity (which I revere) and compassion is slowly being eroded away by the onslaught. Maybe that's what the real goal of the terrorists is. Once we are all stripped of our humanity, we'll stop caring what they do, we'll just live with it, we'll just want it to stop. The population at large may even elect them (worked for Nepal....sort off).

So the short answer is that it can suck living my city of Boom Boom, but I still love it here. My heart is with my family, friends and my people, as long as they are here, my home will be where my heart lies. That is Pakistan. You live your life the best way you know how and leave the rest up to God.

Friday, December 25, 2009

What They Really Wanted For Christmas

Christmas came and went with all the usual fan fare coupled with a dose of recession reality.
In Pakistan although we get Christmas as a holiday (as it is fortunate enough to coincide with Quad-e-Azam's (Pakistan's founder) death anniversary. Regardless, I think once the merriment of Christmas is over and one can truly evaluate their gifts without the watchful glare of their relatives, they can be truly honest with how they feel.

"Gee Aunty, that Swedish cook book is extremely thoughtful, I can't wait to try to make something" means "how sweet of her to get me a gift that will make my life easier" at the time, and a day later means 'I can't wait to give this rubbish book away, who likes Swedish food anyway, what I really wanted was that Gold Locket she said looked great on me"

So I've compiled a list of people and what they really wanted...

Madonna gets a gift certificate for botox; what she really wanted was to transplant herself into a younger hotter persons body....anyone have a kid up for adoption?

Donald Trump gets the bill for his wife's expensive shopping bill; What he really wanted was a government Bail out....anyone who can loan him a Mil? He'll pay you back on Tuesday.

Tiger Woods gets a get well soon card from his sponsors; What he really wanted was his golf clubs and an "end of year bonus check'....a crash proof car wouldn't be amiss either.

Tiger Words wife gets an expensive post nuptial contract plus an island full of gold; What she really wanted was to go back in time to the minute she met Tiger, kick him in the balls and walk away.

Barack Obama gets a huge array of terrific gifts from all the foreign heads of state and every ass kisser with any relevance in the political world; What he really wanted was a gift that he is actually allowed to keep...... and that his middle name wasn't Hussein....maybe Jesus but definitely not Hussein.

George W Bush gets a ton of hate mail (as he does every other day of the year); What he really wanted was a thank you card from Barack Obama for taking the heat off him. Ungrateful Liberal!

Democrats on the hill frenziedly pass a historic a haphazard health care bill; What they really wanted was a few days off to catnap, but they weren't sure if Byrd was going to make it.

James Cameron gets millions of dollars in Movie Royalty Checks; What he really wanted was enough Oscars to use as bowling pins....and a perfect game.

John McCain gets to spend time with his family on Christmas; What he really wanted was to play war games and be President....Seriously.

Osama gets to make a video tell his followers how Christmas was the day the devil came down from Mars and vanquished all of the infidels: What he really wanted was a new Kidney and a Massage chair with a cup holder.

Ben Bernake gets to stick around as Fed Chief and be Times Man of the Year for Christmas; What he really wanted was a day in Mexico with banjo and a tequila sunrise.

Goldman Sachs get huge bonuses for Christmas: What they really wanted were New Years, Kwanza and Hunakka bonuses too....a better PR director and take over of all the world media outlets wouldn't have hurt either.

Turkeys get to be Dinner at Christmas; What they really wished was that they didn't make fun of all those Turkey's that disappeared during thanksgiving.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Peace in the Middle East

My latest brainstorm is solving the hold Israel/Palestinian conflict, it involves a complex electoral method where.....yeah I'm kidding, but I had you guys going there for a second.....

Here is basis my theory, people in the the disputed territories are sad, they've lost loved ones and homes on both sides, Palestinians get a lot of sympathy & lip service but not much else, Israel gets US. Support, but is constantly threatened by its neighbors. All sides have a valid point (If your response to this post so far was "where is the middle east" or "I didn't they were fighting out there", feel free to take an old stack of newspapers and bludgeon yourself to death with it).

So I have several key measures;

1. Invite Russell Peters, Chris Rock, Carlos Mencia (I don't think he's really all that funny, but even without some head gear he'll in all likelihood be mistaken for an Arab by the locals), Dane cook, the Blue collar comedy tour etc for a series of shows in the disputed territories. That they are funny is undoubtedly true, but I'm also betting that they are actually universally funny and that they're jokes will hold up in cultural translation. For eg. I'm sure folks in Israel/Palestine can also laugh along with redneck stereotypes of marrying your first fact it may be mainstream (Dunno if it is too mainstream, I don't believe in evidenciary support, I put it down my beliefs in conspiracy theories, the most longstanding one is that all Science is a conspiracy against the oppressed Mullahs).

I also feel that people who laugh together, eventually buddy up and find ways to get along, humanizes their adversaries. Once their laughing endorphins flow through their respective blood streams the feel good factor emerges, and they'll be way more likely to chill and who knows maybe even be homies. And Has anyone noticed that terrorists emerge from countries that have terrible comedy shows (ok, Afghanistan doesn't really have enough local TV yet, but still Saudi Arabia is terrible.... 9/11; 15-19 hijackers).
Anyway, worst comes to worst, the audience collectively hates them all and finds something in common with each win either way.

2. Pretend to find Oil: Every developed country in the world plus China will make it their number one priority to solve the crisis. Even the socialist nations will find it imperative to help their Arab/Jewish brethren. Unrelenting amounts of Economic aid will be promised, favourable trade treaties, Infrastructure development treaties, maybe even schemes to reclaim a huge chunk of Sea for new settlements; the whole turkey will all the fixings if you will. They'll make it so attractive to make a deal, that both sides can't help but do it. The last round of negotiations will look like this;

Israeli Premier Benjamen 'I Likud looking tough' Natanyahu "Alright Mahmoo (Mahmoud 'I like being Head of State of a Powerless nation" Abbas), you can have Jerusalem but that means your family will have come over to our place for Hunnaka and New Years....I insist."

Hell the United States may even partner up with Fiji again and make a coalition of the willing, drop another 150,000 troops (10 of which will be from Fiji) to keep the peace.
One reason that this may actually work and the western world would actually try to fix the over arching issues rather than pull another African job where the locals can be bribed, the folks down their aren't particularly fearful of their governments. Israelis because they believe in democracy (they would also be very expensive to bribe) and Palestinians don't notice if they have a government half the time. Then again, the flip side may be that Al-Qaeda may suddenly appear to have a strong presence in Palestine/Israel and then you get Afghanistan style bombing and an invasion....but such are the risks of life.
All hell will however break loose once they realize that there is no Oil this is a plan without an end game....

3. Have a block party, have Britney Spears, Madonna, Rolling Stones and U2 perform along with religious figures singing 'All you need is love' from Love Actually, and everyone will tear up and make peace. Afterwards Bono can be joint President of both Countries.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Taliban Fight Club

The Taliban seem like a very frustrated lot, whether they are in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or anywhere in the world. They have so much hate and ideological madness, I think it would be remiss if we as a society didn't come up with a creative solution to address their mental issues. Because wanting to be a suicide bomber ought to be officially diagnosed as a mental disorder. 

So here is my idea, Taliban Fight Club. Because there is nothing more satiating to madmen than beating someone till your arms are tired, your lips are bloody, body is bruised and you've lost so many brain cells that you can't remember what the fight was about in the first place (Hey, it worked for the Spartans), incidentally a Taliban rugby league wouldn't be amiss either.

Obviously there would have to be rules, terms and conditions that will shape the landscape of the bouts:

1. No beard tugging; Taliban typically use the space to store their weed and Mars bars...respect.
2. No weapons or safety pads allowed (including improvised explosive devices), however groin cups are permissible, but at no point can be used as a weapon; hence the Upward Thrust knockout (UT KO) move illegal.
3. Adequate clothing must be worn at all times; Taliban are highly self conscious over their jungle like body hair.
4. There will be 70 attractive Burka wearing cheerleaders (spread across nationalities to cater to differing tastes), however, they will only reveal their modest amounts of clothing if and only if the Taliban contestant win the bout. (At which point they'll realize that they don't need to die to go to heaven) 
5. Chuck Norris is not allowed to participate....ever. (There are conflicting fatwas on Chuck Norris being a demon)
6. Fights will incorporate prayer breaks to cater to multiple faiths. Islamic history does show that devout Muslim Generals praying on the field of battle, during hostilities. 
7. Male contestants eligible for "Beauty and the Geek" are encouraged to apply; Taliban are notoriously malnourished (lack of post weed munchies....hence the compensatory large beards and bulked up clothing favored by the Legions of T.... its not a fashion statement). We are looking for an uber awesome contest and there is nothing more awesome than seeing a geek unleash his inner demon and unleash his fists of fury....on that note, Go Spider Man! 

Hell, if it catches on it could even be a reality show in itself, take the contestants from the biggest loser and Jersey shore and have them fight it out. Or we could model it off the WWE/TNA and use real or real'ish people. 

I even have some snazzy Pay-per-view ideas
1. No Way Out (To be held in Tora Bora or Guantanamo, which ever is cheaper)
2. Turbans, Laces & Coke (To be held in the FBI's evidence locker or Columbia; laces to be made of Kevlar and turbans designed by Hermes, Coke will preferably be local)
3.  Hell is my Cell (Any Afghani or Iraqi prison will do)
4. Ragging Rights (Madison Square garden, fighters have to make their opponents submit by humiliating them verbally... on the spot translation will be available)
5. Battle of the Beards (to coincide with the Beard Olympics) Beards can be used as weapon to whip lash, choke etc. Person whose beard gets ripped of his (or her) face first wins.

This would also be super profitable and all proceeds can be used to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.

Ladies, please stop trying to change your men...

I am sick & tired of hearing women complaints from my male friends in relationships. So hear me now, and hear me clear women of the world!

"Women, please stop trying to change your men" (I said men partly in case you are currently juggling multiple relationships (respect & what up high five!)).

You find it exhausting, we find it exhausting. So lets find a way to deal... make a deal even.

We can either option 1. communicate more or option 2. just ignore the differences and have a dandy old time and let the relationship runs it course....(subject to life expectancy and pregnancies)

All those who vote to "communicate more" please give your selves a hand of applause and then promptly use that same hand to slap yourself. Because communication between a man and a woman is hard to the point of insanity. Women think with more complexity than a man ever will.

All those who voted for Option two, pat yourselves in the back and realize that your significant other in all likelyhood hates you part of the time. Big deal. Nothing and Nobody's perfect (Except the big guy; he put us all in a perfectly concocted mess to test us....and have fun watching us squirm).

Ever wonder why they say behind every great man stands a woman? Its because every great man realized early on that the best way to avoid that woman was to work longer hours and be subsequently be home less.

Women are masters of subtle communication, there are more avenues that women use to communicate on that they probably don't even realize.
Men, on the other hand, like things in power point form with short attractive looking bullets. It is an insurmountable chasm that can only be bridged if both sides appreciate the difficulty of that problem.

By communicating, one prevalent theme emerges. Men don't like to change and women like fact they like changing. Put it down to the Male species' adolescent appreciation of sports or having the same mindset and hobbies as from their teens; the male species doesn't like to innovate from within. Yes men have the ability to pretend to care and adjust their habits slightly by lying to their partners ('Honey, that salad you sent me for lunch was delicious, I can't wait to try the cauliflower soup tomorrow").

Women may be devious, but Men will Lie outright to avoid conflict with their Partners. (See Happily Married men blogs for details)

Hence, the dilemma, Women don't just like or appreciate change, want to be the catalyst of change in their man's life (for case studies please examine the evolving habits of whipped men everywhere). I'm not sure if its genetic and to be fair, women have to worry more about things earlier in life like settling down, having kids, having enough money to take care of kids, saving enough money for kids college, than your average male does. Essentially, we can reproduce till the day we die. Boo Yeah Father Time.

Personally, I've always found it odd how women want to change the guys they date, I mean, those poor lads were good enough for them to date in the first place, so now whats the problem? Obviously there can't possibly be so many things wrong with the man in question that act as causes for break-ups.....such is the mystery of womenfolk.

So here is what I've learnt from other people (the source of these will anonymous till my death bed or until his girlfriend beats it out of me)

Life of a couple; There are always going to be things about both people that the other wants to change, its all in how the person goes about achieving (or attempting) that change. It is a process. With woman the stereotype is more superficial in nature, like clothing, or furniture (easy enough, once it gone... its gone and men typically don't like shopping adventures) but can also be habits (which are much harder to change...on average 30 days and the source of constant nagging). As for Men, I personally think we just want women to nag less and keep your end of anything we've decided on doing.

Changing attributes in partners doesn't work unless its something that can suit both people (give & take if you will). Even then, one doesn't want to give control to the other person, which is the real flaw in communication. When a man's female partner decides to tell him exactly what she wants him to do, he'll do the opposite or at least subconsciously undermine her desires. This may lead to pretending to act in an acceptable manner, which the man will resent. Delicate exhaustive communication is required for any progress.

Eventually, after undergoing much resentment, both partners just become more understanding of each others quirks or learn to ignore things that bug them or pretend its a deficiency that is actually cute and endearing about the other.

"Oh that Ali, he still rolls his socks up into little balls and attempts free throws into the laundry basket just like when we first met, its so endearing and probably why I still love him."

Ladies, stick with option 2, life is short, you never know how long you can drag it out, hell it could even be a lifetime but do us a favor, appreciate men for what we are and love us and support us despite our frustrating limitations, we've inherently already promised to do the same. In our heart of hearts we truly want our relationships to last the race, but we don't like changing what we are to get there.

Just in case Option 1 is undertaken:
In support of Bro's everywhere I am launching
"Bro's having change issues with their Significant others Anonymous".
or BS Anonymous
The meetings will entail:
Poker Wars: We will indulge in poker (and improve members ability to bluff/lie)
Board games: Risk & Monopoly (improve their negotiation skills)
Sports hour: (discuss sports at length be used as fodder to annoy their nagging partners)
Feelings minute: Quick fire ideas how to avoid them and preferably effective means to drown them.
Nap Time: Who doesn't love a good nap without dreading their partners coming to the room to wake them to do chores.

The title is intentional, any gay members are welcome to join as their insight will be useful in subtle communications classes (until such members appear we will be practicing for the Shrugging Shoulders and burping Olympics).
Note: Any Spies found will be killed via an IV drip of grease from McDonalds. Don't mess with us. Seriously.

Member fees are nominal. All proceeds will go to charity; be used to fund future Bachelor parties...preferably in different zip codes where relationship rules will not apply and the only change is in Poker Chips.

Why Pakistani politicians don't care....

I personally feel that the conduct of Pakistan Politicians are a national embarrassment (I'm not the first and I doubt I'll be the last). On a pretty regular basis our politicians (and lets not shy away from that these are the chaps we enthusiastically elect) are embroiled in controversy, whether its saying 'corruption is their right' or stealing other peoples' credit card information to buy jewelery, they seem to be very apt at surviving their predicaments and even retaining their positions of power and privilege.

Having spent time abroad where the mere allegation of impropriety and off-hand casual remark is can be death knell for any promising political career I find it shocking (well now not so much) that here it hardly matters. I've whittled down my reasoning to several key streams of thought of why things are the way they are:

1. Politicians don't care what the media says; Their tribal affiliations will re-ensure their re-election, dirt they have on other politicians will keep their traps shut, court cases can be dragged on indefinitely (oh and judges can be bribed too).

2. People have low expectations of Politicians; Sadly we don't hold them to a higher standard namely adhere to the law (I personally break the traffic light on every possible occasion)

3. It is more entertaining this way; We have an endless stream of entertaining scandalous YouTube clips, funny stories to gossip about in our free time and we wouldn't have it any other way. We don't have a vibrant scandal driven celeb gossip scene (Meera excepted) and in dire economic circumstances politicians act as both comedians and ambassadors for Cribs.

4. We care more about cricket than politicians; Considering the dismal state of our team and how little we care about cricket nowadays that in itself speaks volumes.

5. Fear the politicians; No one wants to get on the wrong side of an elected politician who has a truck load of Blackwater style security..hell unelected politicians have them too. So why rock the boat, I wouldn't want to put my life on the life for a few million of other peoples tax money (I pay little tax)

6. Envy; Who wouldn't be envious of a group that gets away with everything...seriously. Caught or not, Pakistani politicians are always in the clear. Hell its considered a rite of passage to have been jailed atleast once.

7. Democracy; We elected them, we know what they are like and hey democracy is better than military rule (lets forget the rapid economic growth that happened under unpopular General Musharruf...damn him for increasing our GDP!)

8. If the system ain't broke, why fix it; Life goes on, as corrupt and ridiculous as politicians are Pakistan has always seemed to get out of any predicament they've placed the country in. So all is good. Tally ho!

If this is who we choose to elect and refuse to take offense on how our country is pillaged then we deserve these kind of politicians. Let them prosper! odds our they will even without our acquiescence.

My Blogging Experiment

I've always wondered if blogging is an art form or just a way for frustrated people to voice their ideas, thoughts, and general reservations about whats going on in their lives.

Then I realized that I don't really care what most people have to say as much as I enjoyed what latest thought was provoking the cogs in my own head.

The reason why I've decided to blog and unload whatever is going on in my mind is actually very simple. I can't afford therapy (retail or otherwise) and I personally enjoy writing (whether others will enjoy my brand of rambling remains to be seen). In time this will probably act as a diary (preferably an entertaining one) I'll share with an older me to see if I've matured or grown as a person; At my current trajectory I should hit a mental age of 25 by the time I'm 80.

Since I am a social animal, over thinker to a fault, and an avid sports fan, critical movie goer and sanguine reader, I doubt any particular theme will emerge. I am at heart, a random soul; My love of learning obtuse ridiculous things and developing wishful ideas has yet to be diminished by time. And privately I hope it never will.

So here I am blogo-sphere, hope your as therapeutic as my personal writing has been. I promise to be as honest and unfiltered as possible.

Note: to be fair its been so long since I had a functional filter I'm not sure what that would look like anymore.