Monday, May 31, 2010
Israeli warships attacked at least one of the six ships carrying pro-Palestinian activists and aid for blockaded Gaza. The al Jazeera satellite channel reported that Israeli navy forces fired at the ship and boarded it, wounding the captain.
Israel pointed the finger of blame at the activists on the boats, accusing them of initiating the deadly bloodshed when they attacked a naval boarding force with live fire, knives and clubs on some of the six ships.
The military said “it seems as if part of the participants onboard the ships were planning to lynch the forces.”
“As a result of this life-threatening and violent activity, naval forces employed riot dispersal means, including live fire,” it said.
Mark Regev, spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, too blamed the passengers.
“They initiated the violence,” Regev told AFP. “We made every possible effort to avoid this incident. The servicemen were given instructions that it was to be a police operation and to use maximum restraint.
Israeli officials said overnight the navy told the activists by radio to turn back toward Cyprus or head for the Israeli port of Ashdod to unload the 10,000 tonnes of aid, which Israel would then transfer to the Palestinians in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.
Details are sketchy, which they typically are whenever Israel is involved, which I imagine gives their spin doctors time to figure out what the fuck their tact is going to be, but preliminary reports suggest that Israel boarded a ship that was part of a convoy carrying humanitarian supplies such as food and medicine to gaza, and in the midst of waving their guns about, the passengers didn't take kindly to the Israeli forces forces presence and eventually around twenty people were killed and as many fifty were wounded. Then again other reports are like 19. We'll find out eventually. But even I couldn't initially fathom why Israel would attack the 'Freedom Flotilla'. Was it to prove that they are in control? Is this an exercise on how 'bad ass are we' or 'we do what we want'?
Now to be fair, the Israeli forces did declare that they would not allow the ship to reach the Hamas controlled Gaza strip, when they say embargo they mean embargo, but that said with all of the casualties on the Humanitarian Aid Providing Activists (the kind of committed people that make the rest of us feel like shit), I wonder how many Israeli troops were killed in the encounter.....yep. zero.
Now in their defense they may have been dressed in Kevlar, and there wasn't any tear gas handy, or perhaps the Israeli Warships didn't know when the ships rudder was in order to disable it, but regardless, the threat from these 700 knife wielding, fish throwing, gun toting, food delivering activists couldn't have been very strong if they injured only four Israeli sailors...hell, you can injure four guys just by climbing onto a boat. Especially, when they are black commando clad Israeli special forces bad asses being dropped from helicopters onto the ship.
Yes....So, when Israeli ministry said a quaint little 'boarding party' what they really meant was heavily armed guys dressed from head to toe in black being dropped onto the decks of ships at 4:30am.....seriously...has everyone gone cuckoo cuckoo? This is straight out of a Steven Segal flick. All we need now is some martial arts mayhem. Pity there weren't any Japanese Ninja's on board.
Now, I'm a rather open minded fellow. I don't blindly hate Israel or the Jews, because I think it's plain silly. I particularly turn into rock star mode when some religious fundamentalist conspiracy driveling walking Humiliation on Islam finds it in his place to inform me of the power of the Zionist conspiracy and then proceeds to talk about various things he see's on the internet. Because naturally, if your as poorly educated as this fella, once you read something, it must be Quranic....
To any here who feel particularly uncharitably to the World's Jewish Population, consider this. The Prophet treated the Jewish Citizens of the Arab Nations fairly and gave them freedom from religious persecution. Islam is a religion of Tolerance. You can't just be tolerant when you find it convenient or your peeved off at facebook. People are people yo. Some good, some bad, mostly shades of grey. Israel just gets the most crap.
Anyhow, back to the point, I have to say, I think Israel fucked up huge here. They were told that the ship would be coming, turkey assured them that it was carrying only humanitarian aid, there are no Israeli fatalities, no footage (as yet) showing the belligerent hippies attacking the Israeli forces and worst of all the ships are full of journalists (including Pakistani channel Aaj TV's own Talat Hussain).
Now the right question is why not deliver the food to the Israeli's in the first place and let them hand it off. Well, firstly they don't trust the Israelis'. After all, if it wasn't for the bombing, attacks, land disputes etc, those supplies of food and medicine wouldn't be necessary in the first place. And secondly, Israel actually has no right to create that embargo. The reason they get away with it is because no one else in the region has either the balls or the navy to take on Israel's fleet.
The News black out created by a freaked out Israeli information service is hardly going to help when all of those peeved off, shot at, internet publishing journalists take our their laptops and take aim at the blundering Israeli military. By the end of it, they'll make it look like Israel carpet bombed a Toys R Us. Huge Fuck Ups. They need to hire the guy who designed this....
Fire the Military Strategist that thought it was a good idea to attack a Humana-fucking-tarian Convoy. Or just have Mossad make that imbecile disappear. Next time, find a few of your own 'Free Palestine' Israeli Jews and put them on the boat. It'll look way tolerant...and actually good PR for a change.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Pakistan has more than it's own fair share of corrupt politicians, not only are they corrupt, but they are the lying cheating child sodomizeing scum of the earth. Needless to say, I don't think much of them, and neither do most educated Pakistani's. Unfortunately we're an elitist minority and that means we don't yield the electoral power that most of the poorly educated majority of the sycophantic morons feel.
Recently a politician was forced to resign from his Parliamentary seat, because well...he lied about his educational qualifications.......namely that he had any. The esteemed elected representative who was claiming to have earned a Bachelors in Islamiat had no clue over the most basic tenets of Islam or the Quran....which judging by his actions and profession quite frankly doesn't surprise me a whole lot either.
But, what does surprise me is that this esteemed fellow, Dasti, resigned from his MNA seat before the courts kicked him out of office, was then appointed as special advisor to the Prime Minister and then finally got re-elected from that very same seat he was forced to vacate in a by-election.....on the promises of the same Prime Ministers promises for a cool (by cool we mean pricey) Mega project for the area....if Dasti was elected. Abuse of power much?
Now, I do a fair bit of whining, and oft feel guilty for not doing something more productive for the betterment of society in general. So, with that in mind, I have developed some innovative measures on how corrupt officials ought to be punished. These, if properly implemented should reduce the incidence of corruption or at the very least make it less obvious. I may never become a politician supremo myself (sniffity sniff my ass), but I'd sure love to provide the framework on how to remind these wonderful public servants that they work for the people, not their Private Wealth Managers ecstasy overdose driven happiness.
Public Televised Flogging Events complete with pay-per-view public viewings on the web. Now, this would obviously be adult rated (like we care about those pesky ratings anyway), and by publicly broadcasting the impact of abusing ones power and being just plain fraudulent, that everyone will think twice about the next time they both offer or take a bribe. Gotta Love Saudi Arabia, they even have public squares where they behead people, cut off their hands and what not. You can use the Ad and TV revenue to build a few more Parks....and fund a few circuses...I love the circus. So cool to see the seemingly ordinary accomplish the extraordinary....like finding an honest politician for example.
Maybe if we set an example and really punish the super corrupt to show how it's not going to fly anymore, as opposed to say, letting them leave the country in the comfort of their foreign bank accounts, people would have a greater incentive to be honest. At the very least we could put the bastards behind bars and have it actually be a prison as opposed to glorified hotel complete with booze and a brothel.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Dear Uncle Sam & Friends,
How are you? I hope you are doing well....well enough to give our thieving tyrants a few billion more dollars so they can pump up their swiss bank accounts and ride around in their convoy gold plated suicide bomber proof 'smart' cars. The free Boeing you threw in for free were nice too.
This is Pakistan here, not the government your accustomed to paying off dealing with, but the peeps. and yes, take that as evidence that we watch the WWE and think Christian; Captain Charisma himself, is awesome. See, we love your liberal TV!
Shouldn't that make us more human, rather than a perpetual inconvenience that requires a cheque book? We have feelings too you know, we ought to talk about them sometime when your done invading other countries or causing economic collapses.
We don't talk often, but when we do it's usually about money and how you should be giving us some for doing things like cleaning our rooms off the poisonous bugs we have scurrying around (Your fault btw). Fine we will, but it'll cost you a few billion and damn straight we feel perfectly entitled in demanding it.
You do seem to talk alot about us though, 'The Pakistani People' and how you want to 'help us', horse shit here is some news for you douchebags, Pakistani people think you are full of shit. You don't want to help us, you want to control us, teach us how we should think, what we should believe and what we should do. Fuck that. We'll pretend to be nice when taking your piles of cash, but let's be honest here, this is a business transactions. We do what you want for pay, but we'll skull fuck you verbally all freaking day. We'll burn all y'all flags and wait for your dethronement, for that we'll pray.
You ask us why are we so belligerent, why do we blindly hate y'all so much. And as sweet as that sentiment may sound, it is my sad duty to inform you that we don't blindly abhor you; we hate you the same way that a drug addict prostitute hates her 'clients'. You only give us money to fuel our angst, and baby, we'll cluster fucking burn that wad of bills until there is nothing left and you have to come back to give us more. We know what you're trying to do..... You pay us off like we're trash, like beggars on the street, like parents who pay off their kids so they can justify not spending time with them. So fucking be it you impotent assholes.
Now that we have nukes (which you paid for, thanks btw), come and try to beat us with your big bad stick. Make our day. Does Nuclear Holocaust and potential genetic mutation sounds particularly awesome?
We grew up disenfranchised, with one dictator/thief after another, all promising that our lives were going to be better, and all the while you looked on in appreciation that your newly hired nanny was actually going to take care of us. Bull Fucking Shit. These so called 'guardians' raped and pillaged everywhere they went, and you know fucking what, history repeats itself. Telling us that they're democratic doesn't make their crimes any less painful. Yes we elect them, you prop them up, we elect them. That's the story 'morning glory,' call it part of the Stockholme syndrome that you infected us with. Thanks a load, the family thanks you.
And what the hell is it with Afghanistan? Why is their every fuck up our god damn fault. We didn't make those pot growing Islamic Hercules loving hippies the way they are, you did. Just like you made us just the way we are with your Jihad against the Communists...
We get it, it's cheaper for you to train and send us to shed our blood than having to deal with all the bad press of American soldiers coming home in body bags. Btw what the fuck is this whole bringing the body back home for burial. Seriously, WHAT? You bury a man on the ground he dies on. Period. Carting a dead body complete with hash filled coffins just seems far more disrespectful. What the fuck are you? Made of Money? Oh yeah...wait.
You want to make things better? Well here's a start, try focusing on the actual people who live here, the ones that don't have enough to eat while you make your regular deposits in our leaders Swiss bank accounts. How about a little electricity for those poor bastards living like slum dogs. The movie was cute, but it's fucking reality. How about educating a few folk? Only half the population can write their bloody names.....and that's the litmus test to see if they are literate. And most of all, how about investing in our Future rather than offering us military hardware and bucket loads of your dirty money.
Thank you for your mother fucking money, here is to us making you choke on it!
The Pakistani People
PS: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU END 24 & LOST!!!!WHY? WHY? WHY?
PSS: YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING AFGHANISTAN OR IRAQ: SUCK ON THAT BITCHES!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Government of Pakistan has banned Pillion riding. Only Government officials and children under the age of 12 are exempt, however that is expected to change once a child (under the age of 12) bearing a Klashnikov takes out a hapless MNA who is already protected by an entire division of Black Water, Pakistani Rangers and the State Police.
A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The reason for the outright ban was because of the controversy generated by a facebook page, created by a Seattle based
Judge 2 ‘Me too….lets do something’
Judge 1 ‘Prosecute Musharruf?’
Judge 2 ‘Someone else is already doing that, we don’t want to be copy cats, besides he already has like 200 thousand Bookface friends.....’
Judge 1 ‘hmm…intense.....We need to ban bookface.’
Judge 2 ‘alright….why?”
Judge 1’because I only have like a dozen friends and all of these cute gori girls keep turning me down….Hilary Clinton didn’t even accept me, even though we shared a really nice moment when I moved to the side as she stomped past with her Punjabi heroine strut’
Judge 2 ‘what a bitch’
Judge 1 ‘indeed’
Judge 2 ‘well, constitutionally, we can’t ban bookface over your lack of friends’
Judge 1 ‘Can we ban it because it’s immoral and corrupts the impressionable youth?’
Judge 2 ‘Can’t, that’s why the Punjab Assembly tried banning those late night cell packages, if we ban it for that everyone will think we actually care what the politicians say….and we would look like a bunch of dim witted copy cats.
Judge 1 ‘What about safety, can’t we just claim that the terrorists use bookface to communicate, incite violence and carry out attacks on politicians’
Judge 2 ’Can’t, that’s why the city governments banned Pillion riding’
Judge 1 ‘Shucks, can’t we frame it that the less we use facebook, the more we can bridge the energy deficit….by like 1000 megatrons?’
Judge 2’ I think you mean Mega Vats, and no, that wouldn’t work either….unless we banned computers…’
Judge 1’ We can’t do that, we just banned the import of foreign computers, Shit, we need to figure out something, I got wasted last Fashion Week and told this equally wasted hot model that I could kill bookface, if I don’t do it, she’ll laugh, not take me seriously and never go out with me and keep dating those political vederas’
Judge 2 ‘ I know how you feel, you’d think after we got rid of a freaking President, that we’d be like instant babe magnets…haha, it’s brilliant when we can join a protest and then pretend to be spear heading it!’
Judge 1 ‘By jove, I’ve got it, we ban bookface, ‘because some kid’, who is actually a high ranking ISI agent, creates an fan page where everyone can depict pictures of our Holy prophet’
Judge 2 ‘So you want to ban bookface because one of the four hundred million users, who is actually a proxy of one of our agents, creates a page that calls on people to draw pictures of the Prophet....would they fall for it?’
Judge 1 ‘Yes!, it would work fabulously, both the Jamaat Islami and ‘I’m a modern Islamist’ folk would all rush to the cause! They seem bored nowadays. And as we’ve seen, students don’t need a reason to congregate and protest (by protest, we mean loot shops and burn cars).
Judge 2 ‘They do seem bored and lifeless lately….. and that was before their pet Rottweiler Taliban students started bombing their own rallies’
Judge 1: ‘Well, the bookface owners name is Zuckerberg….that’s Zionist I think’
Judge 2 ‘Zionist works, but we can just claim that Zuckerberg is related to Fasi Zaka…that chap ruins my drive home every week’
Judge 1: ‘Bugger, can we ban him too?’
Judge 2 ‘nah, we’re thinking about putting him on the payroll. Though we could add something about an American plot somehow….maybe squeeze a few more $ billion out of them’
Judge 1 ‘They still have our swiss bank account no.?’
Judge 2 ‘Yep, and our ‘just incase’ green cards’
Judge 1 ‘We are going to hell’
Judge 2 ‘Nah, God’s a judge too, he’ll help us out.’
You can deny us electricity, you can deny us justice and you can deny us effective honest government, but we’ll be damned if you try to take away our facebook. You already gave the creators of this ‘Draw Muhammad (PBUH)’ what they craved the most…publicity.
Thanks a lot for giving a voice to an unknown cartoonist and showing the rest of the world how out of control we Pakistani Muslims really are....Bat Shit Fucking Insane Bunch of Retards You Are.
Welcome to our world.
PS: Don’t worry about the blasphemous cartoons, we can crash the Facebook servers and make that cartoonist life a living online hell....and when we are done with them, we'll come for you!
Monday, May 17, 2010
I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.
There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself.
To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?
Is the answer.... Dinner?
Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.
Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.
It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.
It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.
Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.
The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.
I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)
So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.
Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.
So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I think I've spent atleast several hundred thousand hours of my time abroad explaining the concept of 'Rishta' or arranged marriages. So I'm quite well versed in talking about things that make me inherently uncomfortable.
If the boy has a rape case against him, thats a different story.
Traders will make a killing.....BUT ALL ASSETS WILL BE FAIRLY PRICED!!! In fact some issues value may be artificially revised due to plastic surgery, and this investment would make all commodities listed in the exchange appreciate in value plus we'd have alot more good looking people around....and who wouldn't want that?