Pakistani Capitalists Rock!

IT ROCKS!

Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan, the typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicos, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their facebook accounts.

What our Talent Pool Really Looks Like...

I on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we'll never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the right formula (The Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and lets face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in, deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the international Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan, being jointly sponsored by the Jamaat-e-Islami and Mossad.

Patriotic Pakistanis: Always Representing

I feel that the only class of people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we're ashamed of our good fortune sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As the wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well fed man to become an extremist". Now in order for that to happen, the not well fed  likely to become a terrorist fellows, would need something resembling gainful employment and not be an avid risk for life insurance companies.

Its not that difficult to convince drunk people to do stupid things though.

Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our Magical 'We believe in unlikely Miracles' Nation:

 

Desi Friend Finder: Most fights or 'phuddas' in Pakistan involve a substantive amount of posturing and grandiose threats, however, before the fight begins, there is typically end with some form of 'compro' (compromise), when some of the opposing sights recognize each other from a family they both attended whilst still in their nappies. The resulting 'compromise' typically entails an embarrassing assortment of black shirted pubescent teen boys hugging each other whilst acknowledging the brotherhood of Islam and how Mr Burger really does make the best burger.

I'm gonna hit you.....in a few....scared yet?

 
The reason this height of pathetic-ness tends to occur is because neither are particularly serious about fighting because they are scared of the sight of their own blood. The Desi Friend Finder will officiate these 'compros' by carefully interviewing the 'diaper gangsters' and find some obtuse relationships that will prevent all unwanted bloodshed. Facebook will come in handy too.

Baby Gangsters

I doubt that there is a parent on the planet that wouldn't pay the Desi Friend Finder his fees. After all, hospital bills are expensive.

Haha, All the Boys Want to Save US!

Honor Warriors: All men like playing hero whether its rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing and even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan isn't as lawless as your average 'gora'/foreigner is led to believe, or cutthroat scum of the halal earth thieves are just more polite around good looking women. This however, presents a significant problem, how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?

Honor Warriors

Hence, the Honor Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their purse or harass them, whilst a brave knight (who will be paying rather generously for this service based on a combination of his sexual frustration, access to porn and the attractiveness of the damsel in distress), will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' Desi CHAMAAAAT.

Who wouldn't help a naked-ish woman?

 
The Damsel, so grateful for her Savior's appearance (after all, a girl can't live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of Grandchildren.

Honor Warriors: Fulfilling Every Woman's Romantic Dream; Making their Friends Jealous

The Honor warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy. Kind of like Super Heroes.

Do You Want like 7.5 Oranges?

Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, Combs and Balloon Animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, cell phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They'd make alot more money and I wouldn't be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats.

If you want to make a living, sell stuff that you won't have to take home every night!

Financing this wouldn't be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate them some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out? 'Charitable' donations are tax exempt......Yay Capitalism!

Paid to Read Qurans....SWEET!...Dental Plan?

GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it's for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that an object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and whats the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for Madrassahs to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and Religion.....Who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs....

I bequeath you my Beard!

Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend alot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard, unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprout copious amounts of face fuzz and sell them for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.

Get Fit.....Chase Her

Personnel 'Fit Hai' Trainers: Most Pakistani's live a fairly sedimentary lifestyle, one's social life revolves around going to dinners and eating anything that can be easy deep fried in month old cooking oil.....fortunately month old cooking oil makes everything from a Mars Bar to anything resembling a vegetable rather tasty.

"Hey, wanna work out?"

To amp up the lifestyles of the Pear Shaped, a service of personnel 'Fit Hai' trainers will stalk and emotionally molest their clients into living a healthier lifestyle, whether its going to the gym, eating that salad for lunch or saying no to that 30th cup of hot sugar water laced with a sprinkling of Tea leaves

She's thinking "Don't Fart, Don't Fart!"
He's Thinking "Hope She doesn't Fart!"

They'll motivate and emotionally batter their clients by comparing their clients deluxe lunchbox to how the food would feed their entire village....for a week. The Personal 'Fit Hai' Trainers will get you in shape, if not through exercise that well thought out malnourishment.

Hope they made sure they got the right chick!

Wedding Attenders: The sheer volumes of weddings during any given season is mind boggling. Particularly strange considering how rarely anyone knows the Bride and Groom in question. Its usually some distant relatives that one hasn't seen in decades. However, decorum dictates that some for of attendance is mandatory. Enter in the 'Wedding Attenders', a service that will enhance all wedding invitation loaded socialites lives in question.  Very simply put, the Wedding Attenders will act as their clients representative at the wedding, and for additional fees, would even impersonate their clients.

Wedding Attenders: Who the hell is going to remember who anyone is anyway?

The service will be rather cost effective, with the food provided at the wedding being worked into the fees (why let all that good food go to waste?).  In addition, start up costs for this enterprise would be minimal, a few good suits and garishly decorated Kurtas. In fact, both the men and women divisions of the 'Wedding Attenders' can share and recycle the Kurtas.

"I don't know who you are, but I'll still hug you" Wedding Syndrome

Chastity Belts: What law abiding proud parent wouldn't want to get a chastity belt for their daughter.....or son for that matter. have you seen kids nowadays? It'll come with a GPS tracking service for women (and men) of every size. Luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushion finish....for comfort.... and to show off.

Its Classy Tight, but not Air Tight.

Entrepreneurs create business to service needs that aren't currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence taxable revenue (which one can do their damnedest to avoid paying) In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it's time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as oppose to crawling through the minefield we're currently nestled in.

A version of this piece was originally published on Dawn.com

Rishta Exchange: Monetary Brilliance

I think I've spent atleast several hundred thousand hours of my time abroad explaining the concept of 'Rishta' or arranged marriages. So I'm quite well versed in talking about things that make me inherently uncomfortable. 

Imagine this with conversation with your room mate: 

Me: 'No we don't buy our women.....unless you are Saudi and have to give Mehr...but that's not really buying...more like a token of appreciation without which a marriage would not occur, in Pakistan you actually get jahez/dowry'

Friend: 'So you get paid to get married....are the girls that butt ugly.'

Me: 'No, but the furniture you get as dowry usually is, think of it as a garage sale turned donation....only with jewelry, clothes, money, furniture.' 

Friend: Bro, I want to be Pakistani now, it sounds awesome, and you can marry 4 times.....wtf, it's like Christmas....but you get laid...and have better shot at an orgy.  

Rishta's is that proposal that puts the arranged marriage together. So it's basically the day your family points at a girl and says go marry her. In fact, they've already printed up the cards for the wedding, we've cleared the holiday time with your boss, just show up & don't be too wasted and isn't it nice how you are going to the Maldives for your honey moon? 

So, us brown folk have all seen how Rishta's work. A rishta comes, it goes, or it stays. We've (well me anyway) all read with assorted levels of amusement, the matrimonial section in the classified advertisement pages. So we know what goes into the making of a good rishta. I think we ought to professionalize it....stock market style. So here's what I propose (all puns and moral depravity intended).

A Rishta exchange, ala the stock exchange, where you can buy and sell shares in a Rishta. Anyone confused? No worries, I shall elaborate, elucidate and enthrall. And no, I am not talking about pimping (though such exchange would make sense).

Basically, A Rishta will become a commodity bond (which it is to a certain extent). Just like with bonds of publicly traded companies you can buy shares in publicly traded rishta's. Of course, a rishta is only a rishta for so long right? So each rishta will have to have a bond like maturity. The maturity being of course marriage. Of course, it doesn't have to end there, we could go into marriages as well, but thats diversification. Lets just focus on rishta's.

Since rishta's mature, they won't have pure ordinary shares like companies do. So they'll sort of be somewhere between bonds and shares. No, not like preferred shares or debentures or whatever else. These will be special rishta shares. They'll work like this:

Say a boy or a girl is born (holla!). We'll go with the boy first, since different things affect the prices of boys rishta's and girls rishta's:

So the boy is born, and after the birth, initial cuddling, naming, pooping and talk about how cute the kid's feet are, there'll be an IPO for the boys rishta. At this point the price will be determined by the parents status. For example if they're big land owners then the rishta's value is naturally higher. If they're big industrialists the value is higher. Etcetera. Now as time goes by the rishta will trade fairly evenly to start with. Changes in the parents status and in the child's surroundings will affect the rishta's value, but nothing the child does initially will really affect the rishta, unless it comes to light that the child has sadistic tendencies or is insane, or some assorted mental or physical deficiency or perhaps he's a little Mozart with the sitar. Anyway the boys own voluntary actions start affecting the rishta later. So if the boy gets into drugs, the value of the rishta will drop. I'm sorry, but this is a fact. A drug addled boy will lower his rishta value. And if the boy is gay....well, then the share price will drop exponentially till he can be 'cured' from the ailment.

So a whole range of socio-economic factors will play into the boys rishta's value. Now, boys tend to have longer maturities than girls. This is not true across the board, but true enough that we can generalize. A boy's rishta tenure lasts from birth till after 25 in most cases. A girls would be generally less than 25. This is not laid in stone of course, and the tenure is subject to fluctuation, which will make valuations harder of course, but thats where the risk comes in. And of course inherent risk is always there, the rishta bearer may die. But hey, a company could spontaneously combust as well. So yeah inherent risk is of course the major Hand. but that's life. You could die too. So yeah moving along...

So the boy gets a green card = rishta value goes up, the boy breaks a leg juggling armadillo's with his feet = rishta value goes down. The boy is a doctor = rishta value goes up, the boy is a sweeper= rishta value goes down.

If a boys parents are major landowners and their political affiliations work out for the better, that is their party comes into power = rishta value goes up, and conversely it goes down. Though not too drastically, a land owner's kids rishta is a fairly safe bet.

If the boy has a rape case against him, thats a different story.

So anyway, the maturity date becomes more concrete when the boy gets baat pakki-o-fied. The rishta now ceases to trade like a share, and becomes a full fledged bond in nature. of course, it can always revert if the engagement is broken, but then the rishta value drops rather significantly. Once the nikkah happens, the rishta ceases and the owners get a payout from the jahez.

Now onto the Girls:

So a girls IPO differs only slightly from the boys, in that theres no khatna. Of course the perceived tenure for a girls rishta is shorter. Anyway, they trade in a similar mien. The parents Socio-economic classification is a major determinant of the rishta's intial value, and how it trades in the early years. Of course, education and other things come into play. The girls reputation of course bears more heavily on the rishta's value than the boys, due to of course the dual moralities prevalent in our society.

So, the girl moves on in the world, and of course the same factors dealing with the girls physical and mental state play into the rishta value. However the voluntary actions of the girls weigh heavily on the girls rishta's value. If the girl is into drugs, the value of the rishta fall a little more steeply than the boys. If the girl drinks, the value plummets (we are assuming perfect free markets where there are no closet drinkers). This is because a girl who is intoxicated can be taken advantage of by boys, whereas a boy who is intoxicated is less likely to be taken advantage of by girls (that poor tied up waiter not withstanding) or by boys (albeit the ones who deny being gay) for that matter. Needless to say the hotter the girl the more likely is her value to increase and this can be fore casted based on her genes.

So intoxication of all sorts bear more heavily on the girls rishta value than boys with nasha's. Again, it's the dual morality and double standards prevalent in society... well actually, no, this is just more common sense. Its the same as saying a girl can write her name in snow as easily as boys. No, it doesn't work that way.

Now if a girl gets pregnant, thats a major problem. The rishta immediately ceases to trade, and the maturity date is decided suddenly. The rishta effectively becomes a junk bond. However fret not, you can actually get lucky in this case and make a killing (assuming that the girl isn't killed). If the girl is taken to wife by a wealthy old man, you can actually make out good. Of course this is rare, and extremely risky. High returns for abnormally high risk....

So a girl approaches her maturity, and then it works much the same way as with boys, except that the maturity period is shorter. The older a girl gets and remains unmarried, her rishta has been restructured as unsecured debt, though this could be good as her parents may be willing to take enormous amounts of loans to provide for a good dowry. So there is still potential in this distressed asset pricing model.

Traders will make a killing.....BUT ALL ASSETS WILL BE FAIRLY PRICED!!! In fact some issues value may be artificially revised due to plastic surgery, and this investment would make all commodities listed in the exchange appreciate in value plus we'd have alot more good looking people around....and who wouldn't want that? 

So I think I've made it somewhat clear, other factors that Ive either not thought of, or I've not bothered listing because well, this isn't a book or a thesis...though it should be, as it would have made much more interesting reading than my thesis. 

NOTE: Majority of this has unapologetically been stolen from Asmer. 

Man Up Hour: Bro's Before Beau's

How many brave men have been lost to relationships with clingy controlling women? How many pure souls must be sacrificed to appease the female dieties. Far too many guys date far too many controlling women, for the simple reason that controlling women are the only ones left in circulation.

Men want the same thing from their perfect piece of under wear as they do from their perfect woman; a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. If we don't get that, a life of misery beckons.

As men are not entirely perfect, periodically mistakes are made (the selection process is a crap shoot; Styles & Sizes vary brand to brand...which is why mothers do most of the shopping for us, till we decided to be independent), and in the thrill of man's independence, tragedy strikes and you see a friend get a bit too star struck with his own freedom and acquire an inappropriately tight pair.

You tell him over and over again, that he (or in actuality his friends) will live to regret it (what mommy doesn't know won't hurt her).

But we're men, if it hurts, we grim and bear it telling ourselves that we'll get used to it, grow into it even and our friends will make do with our sour pained expressions....except for shoes.... Men must wear comfortable shoes (it's easier to scurry across the heavy traffic on II Chundrigar in comfortable shoes).

Tragically, it's a pretty common occurence, a close loyal friend suddenly ensares himself a seemingly sweet woman friend. Covert operations ensue, after all, you wouldn't want everyone to know about your new Armani Egyptian Cotton boxers, you wait to make sure it's worth the excitement. 

Before you proclaim to the world, usually on face book, or tweet; 'I have found the one, come see and tell me how awesome I did, but don't touch ya, that's just too much londa pan'; this proclaimation is not uncommon, as men can have very stimulating conversations about the last legendary dump they took.....usually, when excitment strikes calls are made to the network whilst still on the toilet (blue tooth and hands free is a blessing... talk about the simple pleasures in life; In fact, I have man friends who make their most important calls from the pot. Say what you will, but we are time efficient).

At first, men are inclined to naturally humor their friends, in your heads you think, 'Silly man, everyone thinks they find the one atleast a dozen or so times', but the real question is are you ready to handle the one right now. 

After all, people change, tastes change, sizes change, put on a little weight, lose a little weight, flabby muscles and just plain flab wreak havoc on your life's choices. Is your one, flexible? Is it of suitable quality? After all, it's a commitment, you can't just go to the bazaar and pick out another pair, the one you have will get jealous....if you do, make sure to hide it....different drawers.

You should however try to empathize, after all, it might even be your friend's first (Armani's are super comfy) and young romance is nothing to scoff at mind you (but you roll your eyes anyway), and at first you are glad for him (man law requires overt displays of 'Well done, you shagged a good one right there'). 

But then your pal changes, sometimes literally; he's got a fancy new hair cut that requires as much product as is legally permissable, his new array of designer clothes reek of credit card debt and his appearances at friend's outings become as common as a parliamentarian showing up at the assembly. The realization strikes 'That bugger thinks because he has the one he's better than everyone." If a guy thinks having a girlfriend is a terrific status symbol, he is unfortunately mistaken, as far as your guy friends are concerned, your friend is her new accessory. Infact she can call him I-friend, have him chauffer her around, run errands, speak when spoken too etc. He has been sacrificed to the alter of women, but he doesn't know it yet....

Believe it or not, after guys are done laughing about their friends utility maximizing, they silently fume, they are pissed, but in the end, are just plain sad that their comprendo is never around anymore. 

So as petty (actually horrible) as it sounds they wait for the day the (hopefully) inevitable break up happens, because then he'll be free and need his boys again to roam the earth.....preferably in a hilux.

After all, the gang wickedly imagines, the sheer volume of hair product will have induced baldness, he can't afford hair plugs now that his credit card(s) are maxxed out (supply it and a relationship will consume it as my venerable economics professor once said) and he'll give all of his old clothes to the Edhi foundation because they'll remind him of her.....the one. Bloody hell, you feel mildly sadistic now for wanting this...but it's for your friends own good!

Assuming the relationship is still in play, it is your duty to support him through this tough time, even if you feel entitled to his regular attention. 

Where should a guys priorities be? To his gang of friends or to his potential partner (if this was a democratic process, its pretty apparent who would win).

But alas, circumstances have changed. The balance of priorities have shifted, the only time he (is allowed to) contact his gang is when She deems it appropriate (she's busy) or when his testosterone levels have dangerously diminished and are in drastic need for replenishment in the form of man time; good mint Shisha, man talk and perhaps a game of football.

While we may appreciate that our fallen comrades life has changed (hopefully for the better),  it's still hard to get around the female induced disloyaly. Guys will always support a Bro, which is why Obama got elected yo!

Our bonds are the only thing that tie us to this world, and the bonds of brotherhood are absolute. Guy's don't judge each other and are instead support each other stupidity much in the same way residents do their local politicans, consistently and without reason.

It's not that we don't care, but we've developed friendships that supersede each other's inadequacies, we don't sweat the small stuff. Women (as ever evolving creatures) like changing their partners and are quite liberal in doling out constructive criticsim.

It damages a guy's ego levels and his masculinity, the only medically approved treatment is man time, in particularly serious cases, we fly into Dubai or PC Bourban I mean Bhurban for immediate treatment. Vast sections of the Bro Code by Barney Stinson will be reviewed.

  

From time to time guys will admonish their whipped friend for his lax man time. Meeting your guy friends is an important ritual, one that should be taken seriously and occur frequently....daily in some cases. When the funny obscene text message stream abruptly end, the time for extreme action is  these matter to us, it keeps us connected, just because they aren't to your taste doesn't mean the rest of man kind shouldn't. 

Guy's don't give other guy's ultimatums on the status of their partner, as far as we are concerned, that's his business and as long as he's happy, grim and bear it. Girlfriends on the other hand, show no such restraint, they see his time, as their time, and ought to be allocated as such (well, to her preferences). 

Relationships are finite and most of their shelf lives expire well before wedding bells. The most endearing relationships guys have are with his amigos, they are as special as a golf club (it'll last forever if properly maintained and you don't do anything stupid with it). 

No islamic contract required or family pressure needed, we choose to chill together and telling us that we can't is a slap in the face. Afterall my soon to be sister-in-law (we are serious about the brotherhood), how do you think your guy got so damn awesome in the first place? If you make us hate you, the odds are your relationship isn't going to stand the test of time. We are prepared for that, men are excellant at damage control, which is why the Fire department is man staffed.

We are all enfused with the desire for a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex (it's only natural...genetic procreation insanity some would say), and we want that for each other. However, the bonds of brotherhood are just as vital and shouldn't be taken for granted. 

Obviously there needs to balance and most relationships need alot of time investment. But there is a chasm of a difference between neglecting friendships and nurturing a potential life partner. It's just bad form, and that's just cricket (fair). 

Man Up Hour; Lose that vital level of man time, and trust me ladies, you have no idea what the hell your getting yourself into. It's very simple, the more you try to control a guy, the more he's going to covertly piss you off. The ones that are too spineless to do so are a waste of space. So let them have that much desired man hour. We'll have him home at a reasonable hour, unless ofcourse the police arrest us for something we can't bribe ourselves out off. 

Before you know it, the happy couple has announced their engagement and your attending their wedding. Still a bit shell shocked by the occasion, you wish them well, but you still feel compelled to find a private corner with your remaining comrades and empty a bottle for your fallen homie. Woman:1 : Man: 0

When that happens, it is the guys friends who are left picking up the pieces. The reason for that is because friends are like bra's, close to the heart and always there for support.

So the next time your lady friend (for the millionth time) asks you to cancel plans with your boys, look her straight in the eyes, shrug your shoulders and say 'Gotta chill with the boys, later'.

Then again, on occasion it is just time to say 'farwell, good friend, may you live in interesting times and don't let the door hit you on the way out, because loyalty is a two way street'

We are Bro's and with some genetic fault will always be there to help each other out and tell each other that we are funny when we are not.

I will say that over doing it or being over committed isn't a one way street and is prevalant both ways. For girls, it's the pressure to settle down asap and for guy's family pressures tend to take their toll. So investment one's time, money and sanity takes a whole new meaning.

Bro's Before Beaus yo! Tweet It OUT!!! 

Be Nice to your Local Prostitute

Prostitutes; there is unlikely to be any group that has more prejudices against them than hookers. There have been countless debates both bashing and expressing sympathy for these prostitutes. Between hearing about how evil and morally depraved they are, and how sad it is, that they are being forced into this profession, I have a rather different take. 

How about this. Why don't we all gather together, grabs some red bulls, take donations and Thank them (the red bull and donation kitty is for me btw, financially the ladies do pretty well for themselves (and their dead beat husbands)).

Prostitutes are called a range of things, from home wreckers to Satan's mistresses etc. But I really do think they deserves society's thanks. It is the world oldest profession after all, lets take some pride in our historical traditions (incidentally it's much older than marriage). 

Can anyone compute how many unsatisfying marriages have been preserved as husbands, chose to hit up a brothel rather than embarking on an scandalous affair with the maid, nanny, office colleague, Secretary, random hot chick roaming around on the street?

Having met men in Pakistan in particular, I would offer that millions have been saved, and millions more will be. As human beings, its easy to hate someone if they are a vague stereotype, but if it's someone that people know personally. Well that is an emotional time bomb waiting to happen. 

As a people we take abnormal pride in the institution of marriage (family is everything etc etc etc blah blah blah...blah blah blah), so we tend to turn a blind eye to allegations of infidelity, and focus our attention on that damned hooker jauntily strolling on the side walk. 

Incidentally, maybe one should remind themselves that the only reason that the lady is there in the first place is because the guys in the community avail themselves to her services. 

I'm not saying that all women should start behaving like prostitutes in the bedroom (though I know any number of men who wouldn't be opposed)  or should blame themselves (which men cheating on them will liberally do anyway), but they should take comfort in that their men are (hopefully) discreetly going to professional....relievers, rather than having a public affair.   

I asked one of my friends, who admittedly has a wandering eye (only one, the other is on a perpetual lookout for his nosy wife) about his prolific infidelity, he offered this; 

'The only real difference between a whore and your wife, is that at least the whore tells you up front how much you'll have to pay; because either way you're paying for it.' 

It's a pretty blunt justification. He also spoke about the magical feeling of control and how it made him feel like a man etc, but he is a moron, so I tuned out as a hot girl walked by. 

Now I can go on for pages and pages about how morally depraved my friend is, how sad it is that he unable to keep his marriage vows  and what utter havoc he is engulfing his marriage in, but why bother. 

If he wanted my advice, he'd have asked me first (preferably before he grabbed his wallet and made his way to the working girl strip). Though, come to think of it, he did have the habit of carrying a lot of small bills on him.  

But the fact is that he didn't (and men in general don't), because we are all imperfect and try desperately to be better than we actually are. That facade is very important to any man, regardless of how little he respects his family. So it is important that it remain a secret for all involved, otherwise the ensuing scandals destroys not only his marriage, but the family network that (in all likelyhood) put them together in the first place. 

Seriously, blame the guys. They are rational adults (when not in heat) and make their own decisions (when their wives aren't making it for them), dumping blame on a girl who is trying to make ends meet is pretty hypocritical. 

After all, we are all a product of our circumstances, which is why Islam is a religion of tolerance. Which means, that we have a right to hold ourselves to whatever standards we wish, but we cannot impose our values and choices on others (though if we could, I vote for slutty skirt week). 

Oddly enough, in Bangladesh a cleric promulgated that Islamically, prostitution is legal and is a legitimate way for a gal to make some coin. Apparently no one here got the message. 

Ever wondered why? Because prostitution is not a religious issue, nor is it really a moral one. It is social, admittedly a lot of women are forced into it (by men btw), but end of the day we are all given choices and if a girl wishes to choose this profession, she ought to be lauded. After all, prostitutes typically have a nil to a no chance in hell probability to getting a life with the perfect man and a picket fence. She is instead a social outcast (albeit a fairly wealthy one).

She takes one for the team (team being the institution of long marriages ). 

No man takes pride in visiting a prostitute. If you ask a guy what he did today, he is unlikely to reply 

"oh that hooker strolling around on main street, she said I was so good, that she gave me a discount, What Up (high five)!"

A guy doesn't tell his friends about his liaisons unless he is an idiot. The fact is that most men are idiots (please refer to my Tiger Woods post for details), we are terribly at subtle lies, so an evening spent with a prostitute becomes a fully fledged battle with a gang of heroin addicts, one of whom gave him a hickey.....and lipstick on the collar...and was bathed in perfume (cheap to expensive depending on the Hookers rate). 

Women do realize that their spouses are cheating, they tend to instead focus their anger on the working girls rather than their husbands, who somehow are absolved of the blame, because hormonely men cannot resist an available women (even if the women costs 10% of that wealthy guys take home salary). That is flipping insane.  Besides, married women do benefit. 

Prostitutes are professionals. They know what they are doing. I am sure that guys learn (and perfect) a few tricks with them that their wives and girlfriends will appreciate later. 

Which begs the question; Ladies, ever wonder how your husband has finally improved their technique and has now mastered the art of spooning? Well look no further than your local street walker whom you jeer at on a daily basis. 

Stop throwing stones at them, instead throw a reef of flowers (if you have money then throw that into my donation kitty...and lob the red bull at me....very gently). 

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).