Monday, May 31, 2010

Bored? Attack Humanitarian Aid Vessels

Israeli warships attacked at least one of the six ships carrying pro-Palestinian activists and aid for blockaded Gaza. The al Jazeera satellite channel reported that Israeli navy forces fired at the ship and boarded it, wounding the captain. 

Israel pointed the finger of blame at the activists on the boats, accusing them of initiating the deadly bloodshed when they attacked a naval boarding force with live fire, knives and clubs on some of the six ships.

The military said “it seems as if part of the participants onboard the ships were planning to lynch the forces.”
“As a result of this life-threatening and violent activity, naval forces employed riot dispersal means, including live fire,” it said.

Mark Regev, spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, too blamed the passengers.
“They initiated the violence,” Regev told AFP. “We made every possible effort to avoid this incident. The servicemen were given instructions that it was to be a police operation and to use maximum restraint.

Israeli officials said overnight the navy told the activists by radio to turn back toward Cyprus or head for the Israeli port of Ashdod to unload the 10,000 tonnes of aid, which Israel would then transfer to the Palestinians in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.

The convoy set off in international waters off Cyprus on Sunday in defiance of an Israeli-led blockade of Gaza.
The flotilla was organised by pro-Palestinian groups and a Turkish human rights organisation. Turkey had urged Israel to allow it safe passage and said the 10,000 tonnes of aid the convoy was carrying was humanitarian.

Details are sketchy, which they typically are whenever Israel is involved, which I imagine gives their spin doctors time to figure out what the fuck their tact is going to be, but preliminary reports suggest that Israel boarded a ship that was part of a convoy carrying humanitarian supplies such as food and medicine to gaza, and in the midst of waving their guns about, the passengers didn't take kindly to the Israeli forces forces presence and eventually around twenty people were killed and as many fifty were wounded. Then again other reports are like 19. We'll find out eventually. But even I couldn't initially fathom why Israel would attack the 'Freedom Flotilla'. Was it to prove that they are in control? Is this an exercise on how 'bad ass are we' or 'we do what we want'?

Now to be fair, the Israeli forces did declare that they would not allow the ship to reach the Hamas controlled Gaza strip, when they say embargo they mean embargo, but that said with all of the casualties on the Humanitarian Aid Providing Activists (the kind of committed people that make the rest of us feel like shit), I wonder how many Israeli troops were killed in the encounter.....yep. zero.

Now in their defense they may have been dressed in Kevlar, and there wasn't any tear gas handy, or perhaps the Israeli Warships didn't know when the ships rudder was in order to disable it, but regardless, the threat from these 700 knife wielding, fish throwing, gun toting, food delivering activists couldn't have been very strong if they injured only four Israeli sailors...hell, you can injure four guys just by climbing onto a boat. Especially, when they are black commando clad Israeli special forces bad asses being dropped from helicopters onto the ship.

Yes....So, when Israeli ministry said a quaint little 'boarding party' what they really meant was heavily armed guys dressed from head to toe in black being dropped onto the decks of ships at 4:30am.....seriously...has everyone gone cuckoo cuckoo? This is straight out of a Steven Segal flick. All we need now is some martial arts mayhem. Pity there weren't any Japanese Ninja's on board.

Now, I'm a rather open minded fellow. I don't blindly hate Israel or the Jews, because I think it's plain silly. I particularly turn into rock star mode when some religious fundamentalist conspiracy driveling walking Humiliation on Islam finds it in his place to inform me of the power of the Zionist conspiracy and then proceeds to talk about various things he see's on the internet. Because naturally, if your as poorly educated as this fella, once you read something, it must be Quranic....

To any here who feel particularly uncharitably to the World's Jewish Population, consider this. The Prophet treated the Jewish Citizens of the Arab Nations fairly and gave them freedom from religious persecution. Islam is a religion of Tolerance. You can't just be tolerant when you find it convenient or your peeved off at facebook. People are people yo. Some good, some bad, mostly shades of grey. Israel just gets the most crap.

Anyhow, back to the point, I have to say, I think Israel fucked up huge here. They were told that the ship would be coming, turkey assured them that it was carrying only humanitarian aid, there are no Israeli fatalities, no  footage (as yet) showing the belligerent hippies attacking the Israeli forces and worst of all the ships are full of journalists (including Pakistani channel Aaj TV's own Talat Hussain).

Now the right question is why not deliver the food to the Israeli's in the first place and let them hand it off. Well, firstly they don't trust the Israelis'. After all, if it wasn't for the bombing, attacks, land disputes etc, those supplies of food and medicine wouldn't be necessary in the first place. And secondly, Israel actually has no right to create that embargo. The reason they get away with it is because no one else in the region has either the balls or the navy to take on Israel's fleet.

The News black out created by a freaked out Israeli information service is hardly going to help when all of those peeved off, shot at, internet publishing journalists take our their laptops and take aim at the blundering Israeli military. By the end of it, they'll make it look like Israel carpet bombed a Toys R Us. Huge Fuck Ups. They need to hire the guy who designed this....

Fire the Military Strategist that thought it was a good idea to attack a Humana-fucking-tarian Convoy. Or just have Mossad make that imbecile disappear. Next time, find a few of your own 'Free Palestine' Israeli Jews and put them on the boat. It'll look way tolerant...and actually good PR for a change.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sadistic: How to Punish with the Corrupt

Pakistan has more than it's own fair share of corrupt politicians, not only are they corrupt, but they are the lying cheating child sodomizeing scum of the earth. Needless to say, I don't think much of them, and neither do most educated Pakistani's. Unfortunately we're an elitist minority and that means we don't yield the electoral power that most of the poorly educated majority of the sycophantic morons feel.

Recently a politician was forced to resign from his Parliamentary seat, because well...he lied about his educational qualifications.......namely that he had any. The esteemed elected representative who was claiming to have earned a Bachelors in Islamiat had no clue over the most basic tenets of Islam or the Quran....which judging by his actions and profession quite frankly doesn't surprise me a whole lot either.

But, what does surprise me is that this esteemed fellow, Dasti, resigned from his MNA seat before the courts kicked him out of office, was then appointed as special advisor to the Prime Minister and then finally got re-elected from that very same seat he was forced to vacate in a by-election.....on the promises of the same Prime Ministers promises for a cool (by cool we mean pricey) Mega project for the area....if Dasti was elected. Abuse of power much?


Now, I do a fair bit of whining, and oft feel guilty for not doing something more productive for the betterment of society in general. So, with that in mind, I have developed some innovative measures on how corrupt officials ought to be punished. These, if properly implemented should reduce the incidence of corruption or at the very least make it less obvious. I may never become a politician supremo myself (sniffity sniff my ass), but I'd sure love to provide the framework on how to remind these wonderful public servants that they work for the people, not their Private Wealth Managers ecstasy overdose driven happiness.  

Make corruption the only crime in Pakistan that is eligible for castration. ohk, maybe that's a bit harsh (not), we'll just have them publicly raped by some sexually ravenous gay friendly Taliban. The key idea is that to make the punishment for engaging in corrupt activities so harsh that no one would be corrupt for fear of the potential repercussions. oh, and I'm sure we can find a few sadistic gay tourists who would love that shit.

Public Televised Flogging Events complete with pay-per-view public viewings on the web. Now, this would obviously be adult rated (like we care about those pesky ratings anyway), and by publicly broadcasting the impact of abusing ones power and being just plain fraudulent, that everyone will think twice about the next time they both offer or take a bribe. Gotta Love Saudi Arabia, they even have public squares where they behead people, cut off their hands and what not. You can use the Ad and TV revenue to build a few more Parks....and fund a few circuses...I love the circus. So cool to see the seemingly ordinary accomplish the finding an honest politician for example.

Government Coffers Waste Reduction Plan: When a department makes a budget, a good chunk of change tends to go missing. Fuck that. Make those bastards in charge a wee bit more accountable. Have ALL publicly allocated funds disbursements all posted on a web site. When money is allocated to a project, show a the damn progress chart, if you need help, I'm sure there is some malnourished middle school kid who can do it for you. Now If that money isn't being used for the stated purpose or is willfully being looted, take the bastards out and let the Dobermans skull fuck them before eating them....there is something to be said for German efficiency. After their dead, we'll take the usable organs and sell them, the funds will be used to be put back in the project so that....wait for can actually be completed and serve the purpose it was intended for....yes I realize there might be a shortfall or two, but odds are, the government might actually get shit done. Fingers Crossed.

Pakistan Gladiators: Politicians love to tell us how brave they are and how they need enough security to conquer and occupy Singapore, to maintain their safety.... so I say we should put them to the test. Russell Crowe this Shit. If we find a corrupt Politician, we put him/her in an arena (cricket stadiums will do, we're definitely not getting any International Cricket any time soon) and then watch as they battle an assortment of Donkeys, Lions, Taliban, Elephants and perhaps the odd Kraken if we snare one up. Television ratings would be awesome. Krakens are Cool. 

For particularly attractive Corrupt Women, once convicted will be made available for online Prison Gangbangs flicks...they will also be given Desi Lollywood Hooker names like Twinkie and Dolly. The revenues from these will be used for organizations that improve womens rights. Gotta love the irony of it. Fingers crossed there aren't too many of'll be bad for our public image....not. 

Finder Fee Rewards: Those catching corrupt officials will be given rewards, like no taxes for life or a bunch of huge bags o wheat. Or in fact, let's go one better and give that person a percentage of that corrupt individuals wealth. Bet you anything that alot of scum sucking corruption infested departments would be cleaned out real quick. After everyone is done selling each other out, the government will have some pretty huge account balances. 

Once a Politician is convicted, all of his holdings will be seized. His cars, his land, his factories, even his dog become property of the state for the exclusive use of poverty reduction. You rob the people, and now the poorest of that people get something back. It's only fair dammit! 

I hate corrupt people, and at times I wonder is there even anything that we can do about it. We have honest people, and we have corrupt people, but the sphere of Politics is filled with the latter, because no decent human being wants to play in a field infested with a bunch of snap friendly vipers.

Maybe if we set an example and really punish the super corrupt to show how it's not going to fly anymore, as opposed to say, letting them leave the country in the comfort of their foreign bank accounts, people would have a greater incentive to be honest. At the very least we could put the bastards behind bars and have it actually be a prison as opposed to glorified hotel complete with booze and a brothel. 

Then again, maybe if we all act corruptly, then we have a more even playing field... but why should we fail at being decent human beings just because our leaders are? Where is the Honor in That? Then again, maybe we've forgotten what honor means. 

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends,

How are you? I hope you are doing well....well enough to give our thieving tyrants a few billion more dollars so they can pump up their swiss bank accounts and ride around in their convoy gold plated suicide bomber proof 'smart' cars. The free Boeing you threw in for free were nice too.

This is Pakistan here, not the government your accustomed to paying off dealing with, but the peeps. and yes, take that as evidence that we watch the WWE and think Christian; Captain Charisma himself, is awesome. See, we love your liberal TV!

Shouldn't that make us more human, rather than a perpetual inconvenience that requires a cheque book? We have feelings too you know, we ought to talk about them sometime when your done invading other countries or causing economic collapses.

We don't talk often, but when we do it's usually about money and how you should be giving us some for doing things like cleaning our rooms off the poisonous bugs we have scurrying around (Your fault btw). Fine we will, but it'll cost you a few billion and damn straight we feel perfectly entitled in demanding it.

You do seem to talk alot about us though, 'The Pakistani People' and how you want to 'help us', horse shit here is some news for you douchebags, Pakistani people think you are full of shit. You don't want to help us, you want to control us, teach us how we should think, what we should believe and what we should do. Fuck that. We'll pretend to be nice when taking your piles of cash, but let's be honest here, this is a business transactions. We do what you want for pay, but we'll skull fuck you verbally all freaking day. We'll burn all y'all flags and wait for your dethronement, for that we'll pray.  

You ask us why are we so belligerent, why do we blindly hate y'all so much. And as sweet as that sentiment may sound, it is my sad duty to inform you that we don't blindly abhor you; we hate you the same way that a drug addict prostitute hates her 'clients'. You only give us money to fuel our angst, and baby, we'll cluster fucking burn that wad of bills until there is nothing left and you have to come back to give us more. We know what you're trying to do..... You pay us off like we're trash, like beggars on the street, like parents who pay off their kids so they can justify not spending time with them. So fucking be it you impotent assholes.

Now that we have nukes (which you paid for, thanks btw), come and try to beat us with your big bad stick. Make our day.  Does Nuclear Holocaust and potential genetic mutation sounds particularly awesome?

We grew up disenfranchised, with one dictator/thief after another, all promising that our lives were going to be better, and all the while you looked on in appreciation that your newly hired nanny was actually going to take care of us. Bull Fucking Shit. These so called 'guardians' raped and pillaged everywhere they went, and you know fucking what, history repeats itself. Telling us that they're democratic doesn't make their crimes any less painful. Yes we elect them, you prop them up, we elect them. That's the story 'morning glory,' call it part of the Stockholme syndrome that you infected us with. Thanks a load, the family thanks you.

And what the hell is it with Afghanistan? Why is their every fuck up our god damn fault. We didn't make those pot growing Islamic Hercules loving hippies the way they are, you did. Just like you made us just the way we are with your Jihad against the Communists...

We get it, it's cheaper for you to train and send us to shed our blood than having to deal with all the bad press of American soldiers coming home in body bags. Btw what the fuck is this whole bringing the body back home for burial. Seriously, WHAT? You bury a man on the ground he dies on. Period. Carting a dead body complete with hash filled coffins just seems far more disrespectful. What the fuck are you? Made of Money? Oh yeah...wait.  

You want to make things better? Well here's a start, try focusing on the actual people who live here, the ones that don't have enough to eat while you make your regular deposits in our leaders Swiss bank accounts. How about a little electricity for those poor bastards living like slum dogs. The movie was cute, but it's fucking reality. How about educating a few folk? Only half the population can write their bloody names.....and that's the litmus test to see if they are literate. And most of all, how about investing in our Future rather than offering us military hardware and bucket loads of your dirty money.

Thank you for your mother fucking money, here is to us making you choke on it!

Sincerely yours,

The Pakistani People



Monday, May 24, 2010

Pillion Riding: Double Sawari Zindabad!!!

The Government of Pakistan has banned Pillion riding. Only Government officials and children under the age of 12 are exempt, however that is expected to change once a child (under the age of 12) bearing a Klashnikov takes out a hapless MNA who is already protected by an entire division of Black Water, Pakistani Rangers and the State Police.   

One is admittedly supremely impressed that our highly educated political figures even know what pillion riding even is. Bravo. Double Sawari as it is commonly known is where multiple individuals squeeze themselves onto a motorcycle. The government decided to institute the ban when the number of target killings that occurred via double sawari increased exponentially; Attackers would load up on motorcyles, and their pillion rider(s) would shoot their targets in true drive by fashion. 

First let me applaud the government and express my intense gratitude that the government is so concerned about its own safety. After all, running Pakistan into the ground is an extremely dangerous job, as evidenced by the regiments of body guards required to maintain our political savior's safety.

Unfortunately, even the10 strong vehicle convoys and head of state style protection detail is not enough to maintain the safety our esteemed selfless leaders. And nothing is more important for our nations’ interests than to preserve the safety of our brave leaders. In order to defeat terrorism we must protect the people who stand up and.....whine about how powerless they are to stop it? SHIT FUCK DAMMIT SHITASS POLITICIAN GARBAGE POOPERS  uphold democratic values as embodied by the constitution. 

One is compelled to applaud our brave principled leaders’ unpopular (not to mention completely ineffective) but highly necessary stance to ban pillion riding. They certainly know how to defeat domestic terrorism. One arcane piece of legislation at a time. 

Now I can see why the government would fear for their lives (even I want to beat a bunch of them senseless; those hypocritical, child molesting, step sister banging fucks) , but honestly can they actually justify an outright ban on pillion riding (exempting government officials and children under 12). The reason given is to stop militants. By this logic perhaps they should consider a ban on cars for the same purpose…unfortunately they can’t, as their convoys are highly reliant on having expensive four wheeled vehicles. Pity they can’t walk or take the buses like the people they claim to represent (I claim to represent no one, hence my guilt free driving around Karachi in my imported car with an AC blasting on the ‘Artic Circle’ setting). Global Warming eat your heart out. 

Who does this help? Is Transport Mafia having a hard time filling up their buses?...highly unlikely, buses are still packed to the brim….because…wait for it….Most people in Pakistan can’t afford bikes, but those who do typically attempt to compete with small cars in terms of number of passengers.

Dammit Riding Pillion is freaking cool, look at Aamir Khan, that bastard can afford a couple of dozen tricked out Monster Trucks....then again, maybe he's just being paid to sit there.  

Is it safer to ban it? Yes, pillion riding in Pakistan’s bumpy roads is hardly the modicum of safety but no one has ever forced another person to ride pillion style. We live in Pakistan, we have to contend with bomb blasts, large scale faulty wiring and swarms of criminal activity on a daily basis. Pillion riding is safe as all hell by comparison. Those who ride pillion style do so out of necessity, not desire.

We hate motorcyclists...seriously. They are the worst drivers on the planet, all they do is bitch and complain about how poor they are compared to people who own cars (your much richer than the dude who has to walk or take the bus, asshole) and if they ever get into an accident, they always manage to inflict more remunerative damage on others than on their own rides. So naturally there a vendetta against motorcyclists: Every person I know owns a car hates motorcyclists and I have never seen a motor cyclist elected to Parliament. If there is anything else we can do to make your lives hell, feel free to let us know or bust ass at work, get promoted and get yourself a car. Gari walla (Dudes who own cars) Zindabad. 

It’s really a morality law; 'May no man every ride with a girl', it's disgusting it in the back seat OF A CAR like everybody else. It benefits the politicians’ car driving progeny/beneficiaries and increases their ability to pick up girls. After all, the buses are in a putrid state and walking is just plain boring. 

Through this law, the government can now further reduce interaction between the sexes; how completely deviously brilliant of them. Besides, seeing two (or three) guys huddled together on a bike is one of the most gay friendly things you will ever see. Oh, how cute do those guys look grinding against each other and holding hands on that rackety bike. 

What I think the real purpose of this ban, is that the cops can use this inane law to catch other suspected criminals. No one would dare suggest that our honest cops would use this law as an excuse to increase their bribery revenue. Yep, no one. Besides, Cops are exempt from the law.     

Actually this law is completely logical. Once our esteemed elected officials feel safe, they’ll be able to focus on legislation and actually work for the betterment of the country. Ever wonder why military governments’ (appear to) get things done? It’s because they are all packing heat 24/7. You mess with the military and they'll drone bomb your house and pretend that the Americans troops did it. 

Oh, incase anyone is wondering, the ban isn’t working and oddly enough, even odder people are actually getting together to protest against it. So, Pakistani's won’t protest against corrupt government officials, but pillion riding is protest worthy...national strategic concern even. What a nation we live in.

A version of this piece was published on

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Court Decision: Banning The BookFace

The Lahore High Court in it's infinite wisdom made the unilateral decision to ban Facebook. No more poking, no more changing statuses every 30 minutes, No more fb events and no more Facebook Fan Pages....not to mention, no more Farmville. Needless to say, I and every other facebook user in Pakistan are probably still reeling from the shock of being cut off.  (The ban is temporary, and only till the 31st of May) Suddenly I have several few hours of the day free, in which I’ll constructively use to write hate mails to Facebook, the Lahore High Court, Mr. Faisal “I’m just an incompetent fool’ Shehzad and Shoaib Akhtar (he just seems to annoy me lately with his “I can bowl 6-7 overs’ whining"). Then a remembered what Proxy Servers were and my life went back to order. whew.

The reason for the outright ban was because of the controversy generated by a facebook page, created by a Seattle based 
imbecile cartoonist, that proposed a cartoon drawing competition of the Prophet (PBUH), in response to the notoriously un-politically correct South Park decision to censor an episode that depicted the Prophet (PBUH). BTW: The Cartoonist withdrew from the campaign citing that her intention was to emotionally castrate South Park for their censored episode.  

So….if this cartoonist made a plain website and had pages across different communities such as Twitter, MySpace, Xuqa, Orkut etc, would we ban all of those too? Or just ban the evil internet? What is a measured response and why are we the only country in the world that’s decided to ban facebook……

I conjectured a meeting between two bored (as opposed to boring) sitting LHC judges.

Judge 1 ‘Dude, I’m bored’
Judge 2 ‘Me too….lets do something’
Judge 1 ‘Prosecute Musharruf?’
Judge 2 ‘Someone else is already doing that, we don’t want to be copy cats, besides he already has like 200 thousand Bookface friends.....’
Judge 1 ‘hmm…intense.....We need to ban bookface.’
Judge 2 ‘alright….why?”
Judge 1’because I only have like a dozen friends and all of these cute gori girls keep turning me down….Hilary Clinton didn’t even accept me, even though we shared a really nice moment when I moved to the side as she stomped past with her Punjabi heroine strut’
Judge 2 ‘what a bitch’
Judge 1 ‘indeed’
Judge 2 ‘well, constitutionally, we can’t ban bookface over your lack of friends’
Judge 1 ‘Can we ban it because it’s immoral and corrupts  the impressionable  youth?’

Judge 2 ‘Can’t, that’s why the Punjab Assembly tried 
banning those late night cell packages, if we ban it for that everyone will think we actually care what the politicians say….and we would look like a bunch of dim witted copy cats.
Judge 1 ‘What about safety, can’t we just claim that the terrorists use bookface to  communicate, incite violence and carry out attacks on politicians’
Judge 2 ’Can’t, that’s why the city 
governments banned Pillion riding’
Judge 1 ‘Shucks, can’t we frame it that the less we use facebook, the more we can bridge the 
energy deficit….by like 1000 megatrons?’
Judge 2’ I think you mean Mega Vats, and no, that wouldn’t work either….unless we banned computers…’
Judge 1’ We can’t do that, we just banned the import of foreign computers, Shit, we need to figure out something, I got wasted last 
Fashion Week and told this equally wasted  hot model  that I could kill bookface, if I don’t do it, she’ll laugh, not take me seriously and never go out with me and keep dating those political vederas’
Judge 2 ‘ I know how you feel, you’d think after we got rid of a freaking President, that we’d be like instant babe magnets…haha, it’s brilliant when we can join a protest and then pretend to be spear heading it!’
Judge 1 ‘By jove, I’ve got it, we ban bookface, ‘because some kid’, who is actually a high ranking ISI agent, creates an fan page where everyone can depict pictures of our Holy prophet’

Judge 2 ‘So you want to ban bookface because one of the four hundred million users, who is actually a proxy of one of our agents, creates a page that calls on people to draw pictures of the Prophet....would they fall for it?’

Judge 1 ‘Yes!, it would work fabulously, both the Jamaat Islami and ‘I’m a modern Islamist’ folk would all rush to the cause! They seem bored nowadays. And as we’ve seen, students don’t need a reason to congregate and protest (by protest, we mean loot shops and burn cars).
Judge 2 ‘They do seem bored and lifeless lately….. and that was before their pet Rottweiler Taliban students  started bombing their own rallies’

Judge 1: ‘Well, the bookface owners name is Zuckerberg….that’s Zionist I think’
Judge 2 ‘Zionist works, but we can just claim that Zuckerberg is related to Fasi Zaka…that chap ruins my drive home every week’
Judge 1: ‘Bugger, can we ban him too?’
Judge 2 ‘nah, we’re thinking about putting him on the payroll. Though we could add something about an American plot somehow….maybe squeeze a few more $ billion out of them’
Judge 1 ‘They still have our swiss bank account no.?’
Judge 2 ‘Yep, and our ‘just incase’ green cards’
Judge 1 ‘We are going to hell’
Judge 2 ‘Nah, God’s a judge too, he’ll help us out.’

Unfortunately, I think these gentlemen may not have realized that there are these nifty things called ‘Proxy sites’, from which you can access facebook by bouncing servers.

Dear LHC Judges,

You can deny us electricity, you can deny us justice and you can deny us effective honest government, but we’ll be damned if you try to take away our facebook. You already gave the creators of this ‘Draw Muhammad (PBUH)’ what they craved the most…publicity. 

Thanks a lot for giving a voice to an unknown cartoonist and showing the rest of the world how out of control we Pakistani Muslims really are....Bat Shit Fucking Insane Bunch of Retards You Are.  
We are the youth,  
we are smarter than you and we’ll show off just to prove to you how capable we are.

Welcome to our world.

With all of the scorn & lack of respect we can muster,

Pakistani Youth

PS: Don’t worry about the blasphemous cartoons, we can crash the Facebook servers and make that cartoonist life a living online hell....and when we are done with them, we'll come for you!

Besides....We All Know What Facebook Is Really Meant For.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Food: The Silver Bullet

I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.

There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. 

Humility is a lesson that I suck at. Instead of losing myself in the frollicles of that hopeless battle, I have decided to embrace my suckiness, I am who I am. There is a part of me that refuses to sit down and pretend that I am nothing special, that my achievements are simply oddities that one litters my titanic sized desk with without really appreciating them. I have spoken, I have decided. I refuse to be ordinary.

To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?

Is the answer.... Dinner?

Now admittedly, I am actually pretty hungry right now, but it makes complete unrelenting sense.

We have a human interest to survive and the best way to do that is to eat. The countries that have the most miserable people are typically the ones that are the most underfed. Look at those poor North Koreans....and all those folks in Africa (sorry, if that's a bit racist....but Fuck you, it's not). Even in the US, people are going hungrier as they lose their jobs and what not. People who are hungry, are just miserable. Look at models....totally sucky people.

Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.

Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.

It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.

It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.

Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.

The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.

I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)

So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.

Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.

So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Rishta Exchange: Monetary Brilliance

I think I've spent atleast several hundred thousand hours of my time abroad explaining the concept of 'Rishta' or arranged marriages. So I'm quite well versed in talking about things that make me inherently uncomfortable. 

Imagine this with conversation with your room mate: 
Me: 'No we don't buy our women.....unless you are Saudi and have to give Mehr...but that's not really buying...more like a token of appreciation without which a marriage would not occur, in Pakistan you actually get jahez/dowry'
Friend: 'So you get paid to get married....are the girls that butt ugly.'
Me: 'No, but the furniture you get as dowry usually is, think of it as a garage sale turned donation....only with jewelry, clothes, money, furniture.' 
Friend: Bro, I want to be Pakistani now, it sounds awesome, and you can marry 4, it's like Christmas....but you get laid...and have better shot at an orgy.  

Rishta's is that proposal that puts the arranged marriage together. So it's basically the day your family points at a girl and says go marry her. In fact, they've already printed up the cards for the wedding, we've cleared the holiday time with your boss, just show up & don't be too wasted and isn't it nice how you are going to the Maldives for your honey moon? 

So, us brown folk have all seen how Rishta's work. A rishta comes, it goes, or it stays. We've (well me anyway) all read with assorted levels of amusement, the matrimonial section in the classified advertisement pages. So we know what goes into the making of a good rishta. I think we ought to professionalize it....stock market style. So here's what I propose (all puns and moral depravity intended).

A Rishta exchange, ala the stock exchange, where you can buy and sell shares in a Rishta. Anyone confused? No worries, I shall elaborate, elucidate and enthrall. And no, I am not talking about pimping (though such exchange would make sense).

Basically, A Rishta will become a commodity bond (which it is to a certain extent). Just like with bonds of publicly traded companies you can buy shares in publicly traded rishta's. Of course, a rishta is only a rishta for so long right? So each rishta will have to have a bond like maturity. The maturity being of course marriage. Of course, it doesn't have to end there, we could go into marriages as well, but thats diversification. Lets just focus on rishta's.

Since rishta's mature, they won't have pure ordinary shares like companies do. So they'll sort of be somewhere between bonds and shares. No, not like preferred shares or debentures or whatever else. These will be special rishta shares. They'll work like this:
Say a boy or a girl is born (holla!). We'll go with the boy first, since different things affect the prices of boys rishta's and girls rishta's:

So the boy is born, and after the birth, initial cuddling, naming, pooping and talk about how cute the kid's feet are, there'll be an IPO for the boys rishta. At this point the price will be determined by the parents status. For example if they're big land owners then the rishta's value is naturally higher. If they're big industrialists the value is higher. Etcetera. Now as time goes by the rishta will trade fairly evenly to start with. Changes in the parents status and in the child's surroundings will affect the rishta's value, but nothing the child does initially will really affect the rishta, unless it comes to light that the child has sadistic tendencies or is insane, or some assorted mental or physical deficiency or perhaps he's a little Mozart with the sitar. Anyway the boys own voluntary actions start affecting the rishta later. So if the boy gets into drugs, the value of the rishta will drop. I'm sorry, but this is a fact. A drug addled boy will lower his rishta value. And if the boy is gay....well, then the share price will drop exponentially till he can be 'cured' from the ailment.

So a whole range of socio-economic factors will play into the boys rishta's value. Now, boys tend to have longer maturities than girls. This is not true across the board, but true enough that we can generalize. A boy's rishta tenure lasts from birth till after 25 in most cases. A girls would be generally less than 25. This is not laid in stone of course, and the tenure is subject to fluctuation, which will make valuations harder of course, but thats where the risk comes in. And of course inherent risk is always there, the rishta bearer may die. But hey, a company could spontaneously combust as well. So yeah inherent risk is of course the major Hand. but that's life. You could die too. So yeah moving along...

So the boy gets a green card = rishta value goes up, the boy breaks a leg juggling armadillo's with his feet = rishta value goes down. The boy is a doctor = rishta value goes up, the boy is a sweeper= rishta value goes down.

If a boys parents are major landowners and their political affiliations work out for the better, that is their party comes into power = rishta value goes up, and conversely it goes down. Though not too drastically, a land owner's kids rishta is a fairly safe bet.

If the boy has a rape case against him, thats a different story.

So anyway, the maturity date becomes more concrete when the boy gets baat pakki-o-fied. The rishta now ceases to trade like a share, and becomes a full fledged bond in nature. of course, it can always revert if the engagement is broken, but then the rishta value drops rather significantly. Once the nikkah happens, the rishta ceases and the owners get a payout from the jahez.

Now onto the Girls:
So a girls IPO differs only slightly from the boys, in that theres no khatna. Of course the perceived tenure for a girls rishta is shorter. Anyway, they trade in a similar mien. The parents Socio-economic classification is a major determinant of the rishta's intial value, and how it trades in the early years. Of course, education and other things come into play. The girls reputation of course bears more heavily on the rishta's value than the boys, due to of course the dual moralities prevalent in our society.

So, the girl moves on in the world, and of course the same factors dealing with the girls physical and mental state play into the rishta value. However the voluntary actions of the girls weigh heavily on the girls rishta's value. If the girl is into drugs, the value of the rishta fall a little more steeply than the boys. If the girl drinks, the value plummets (we are assuming perfect free markets where there are no closet drinkers). This is because a girl who is intoxicated can be taken advantage of by boys, whereas a boy who is intoxicated is less likely to be taken advantage of by girls (that poor tied up waiter not withstanding) or by boys (albeit the ones who deny being gay) for that matter. Needless to say the hotter the girl the more likely is her value to increase and this can be fore casted based on her genes.

So intoxication of all sorts bear more heavily on the girls rishta value than boys with nasha's. Again, it's the dual morality and double standards prevalent in society... well actually, no, this is just more common sense. Its the same as saying a girl can write her name in snow as easily as boys. No, it doesn't work that way.
Now if a girl gets pregnant, thats a major problem. The rishta immediately ceases to trade, and the maturity date is decided suddenly. The rishta effectively becomes a junk bond. However fret not, you can actually get lucky in this case and make a killing (assuming that the girl isn't killed). If the girl is taken to wife by a wealthy old man, you can actually make out good. Of course this is rare, and extremely risky. High returns for abnormally high risk....

So a girl approaches her maturity, and then it works much the same way as with boys, except that the maturity period is shorter. The older a girl gets and remains unmarried, her rishta has been restructured as unsecured debt, though this could be good as her parents may be willing to take enormous amounts of loans to provide for a good dowry. So there is still potential in this distressed asset pricing model.

Traders will make a killing.....BUT ALL ASSETS WILL BE FAIRLY PRICED!!! In fact some issues value may be artificially revised due to plastic surgery, and this investment would make all commodities listed in the exchange appreciate in value plus we'd have alot more good looking people around....and who wouldn't want that? 

So I think I've made it somewhat clear, other factors that Ive either not thought of, or I've not bothered listing because well, this isn't a book or a thesis...though it should be, as it would have made much more interesting reading than my thesis. 

NOTE: Majority of this has unapologetically been stolen from Asmer.