A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

The Bugs Bunny Army

I used to love playing army as a kid, I'm all into that strategical warfare dimwit stuff, in real life who'd give me command of several hundred Orcs or battalions of Riflemen. Hell, in Sid Meier's Civilization 2, I'd make treaties just to break them.

For all of you CIV2 Fan's: I Love Communist Governments; Guess I'm a North Korean Kim Jong Il dictator at heart :( 

But in real life, Armies are big, expensive and most of the time, they're pretty much just chilling waiting for someone (who they think they can actually crush into oblivion) to pick a fight.When they do have something to do, they are usually incompetent at it (Israeli army, one of the best trained armies in the world, gets regular beat down from kids throwing rocks...I mean, c'mon, it's not like those rocks are made out of plutonium).

The Pakistani Army needs reforms. Simply put, I want an army that will affectionately be known as Bug's Bunnies. Now, it has occurred to me the difficulty in getting Paper illustration to carry out army operations, particularly when my own drawing skills usually made my teachers assume that I was mentally challenged (Thank God for A's for Effort).

Self Replenishment: Medical insurance, pharmaceutical drugs, stretchers, trained doctors are expensive. That's the first thing that we can immediately lop off from the defense budget. This is why; Bunnies tend to procreate...alot. Hence the army will continuously replete itself one bunny organism at a time.....or once a month (Rabbits have a gestation period of 31 days!).

You can continuously churn out the little buggers, (Rabbits can start breeding as early as 3-4 months) and unlike cows and pandas, you don't need to mess with the genetics. (I considered a cow army, but having the entire Indian army commencing worship whilst the Taliban slaughtered them for dinner seemed counter productive...besides, I love a good steak waaay too much).

The great armies of lore were mating machines...in the raping pillaging sort of way; basically they were very virile. If you ever meet a blue eyed chap from the subcontinent, odds are that several dozen generations ago their grandmother had a semen spilling romp with a Greek Legionnaire. Rabbits, are also mating machines quick and repetitive.

For those who want to know: The male rabbit will sniff the female and hop around her. Once she lies on her stomach, the male rabbit will mount her. A few quick thrusts later, a premature ejaculation later, bugs will emit a squeal and fall to one side of her. The rabbits will then rest, only to repeat the process several more times with a gutso...till preggers is achieved.

In addition to fooling hunters the world over, Rabbits can purr similar to a cat, hence which makes them exceedingly useful for covert operations. 

They'll also eat their enemies, if that doesn't inspire fear, I dunno what will.

If you've ever tried to blast a rabbit, you'll have noticed that they move really tricky quick (maxing out at 35 mph), changing direction all the time; they're just damn hard to pin down to get a clean shot at. Ask Elmer Fudd or just watch a few episodes of Bugs Bunny....and that's despite Rabbits have a blind spot infront of their adorable noses. Pesky but adorable rabbit indeed.

Riot police have the unfortunate reputation for kicking the shit out of protesters. A force of Bunnies would make the rage riddled mob mellow down in a spate of 'aws' and 'oohs'.

If that doesn't work, they bunnies can coated in weed (the chillllllll out kind). The mob would completely forget what they were upset about and simply resort to feeding the fluff muffin warm blooded bunnies some nice peeled carrots.If that doesn't work, keep the genetically enhanced Mc Donalds Human Flesh Easting killer bunnies Parachute Division as backup.

Identity Issues; It's no secret that most young kids who get dragged into the military because they have identity issues (I think). There are over 50 established breeds of domestic rabbits....so easy to leverage that into some sort of identity crisis. The military it is. 

Soldiers get into trouble when they have egregious amounts of free time. Having a Bugs Bunny army, save funds spent on the gaming rooms, swimming pools and fancy gyms. A rabbit will sleep up to 16 times a day...often with 16 different partners. It's much like a dysfunctional Mormon family.

Low Maintainance: Most Militaries require remuneration of say a salary, Bunnies, don't. Infact the only cost would be in food; We're an agricultural economy, we can grow lots of carrots and lettuce (I plan on opening a few farms and selling directly to the military). Thous shalt not skimp on the lettuce, besides, humans don't eat lettuce...unless their weight conscious and have no sense of deliciousness.  Trust me, there is nothing to be gained on skimping on food...oh and don't keep a chainsaw handy.

And not only do they groom themselves, they'll even eat their night crap.In case the 'handlers' are overwhelmed by the amount of poop, it's good to know that Rabbit droppings make excellent  fertilizer (Did I mention anything about a farm?) 

Ideal Suicide Bombers: I know no one likes the idea of suicide bombers, particularly when they're used against civilian targets, but from the Arab Assassin cult, the bomb strapping 1964 Pak-India war to the Tamil Tigers, it's a military tactic.

 
Most human suicide bombers require copious amounts of brain washing. Since we eat Rabbit's, it's not like we're condemning ourselves to hell....well, maybe PETA hell. They're totally disposable; I know they're cute, but c'mon they don't think beyond their next meal or next available copulation period. Strap on a cute terrain neutral suicide bomber jacket and you have your ideal operative.

Quick, nifty, disposable and completely dumb.You also save on the brain washing costs. Not to mention you can make your enemy feel like wusses for being afraid of cute, albeit deadly bunnies.

Alternatively, if you can make a Rabbit swallow the explosives, you are in luck; Rabbits can't vomit. Something to do with a God given gag reflex (I just made that up, no idea why). Hell, if that doesn't work, you don't mess with Bug's Bunnies. They'll use your bones to pick your perpetually growing teeth.

If this well thought out recruitment strategy doesn't work out and you're wondering what you're going to do with your horde of Rabbits, it's useful to note that rabbit meat is a pure all white meat lower in fat, cholesterol and calories than chicken, pork and beef.

If it doesn't taste right, that's what ketchup and hot sauce are for. Bunny Kebabs! Tastier than the Bun Kebabs.

 Armies are expensive, and the costs keep spiralling up each technology discovery (plus kickback) at a time. In Pakistan, with the added risk of military coups, the question becomes when does it stop being worth having one of the largest armies in the world? Does it really do more good than harm? Are we really safer? I dunno, I just like the idea of an army of Bug's Bunnies.

Defending My Petty Little Blogosphere

Blogging is good, Blogging is democratic, Blogging is the debate of ideas and an avenue for self expression. Some may find bloggers desire to write offensive, and that is fine. I’d like to turn their attention to their computers ‘Shutdown’ setting.

If one doesn’t like what my blog or any particular message board they stumble across says, then by all means, don’t participate. Because it is the ability to participate in the debate is what makes the blogosphere democratic and unique.

Blogging, is my right. If I or any other member of the blogosphere decides to express our own opinion, then that should be lauded (I laud myself all the time). It is when one represses the rights of individuals that one spreads terrorism.

There is nothing more important to a society straining to attain a health democracy than diversity of thought and multiple platforms of expression, unless one advocates a ‘controlled democracy’ (read totalitarian society; we’ve tried that, it doesn’t work).

If one finds it acceptable to restrict what people think into their own personal realm of accepted views, then perhaps they prefer the days preceding the internet. However, in this time and age, short of banning the internet, one had better accept the notion that one can’t restrict writers from expressing themselves, in the blogosphere or otherwise.

Here are the primary criticisms of the blogosphere

A: Bloggers are far too young to write intelligibly

It's my generation that taught the um… ‘experienced’ (by experienced I mean Older) generation of writers how to use their fancy 'laat-top' to bang out their artfully crafted pieces, check their gmail and make their own fan pages on book-face (in the vain hope that the government would ban them).

With no offense intended on Pakistan’s glorious veteran truth speaking establishment, I doth do protest (as is my right; I checked). As old as some of these distinguished experienced journalists may be, I imagine that back in the 1800’s some were still in the pinnacle of their youth and attempting to learn their trade, becoming great at journalism or any other field requires time, patience and accountability and most of all, a platform.

Being old doesn't give one a patent on being able to write any more than my chaiwalla is a banker.

B: That Bloggers know nothing, and that only experienced Journalists hold the elixir of truth in their soft hands, hence ought to have the exclusive privilege to spread their message

Ideas matter, and if we’d like to live in a society with actual freedoms, we have to shy away from debating in fear. It is the ideas that pulsate on the blogosphere that reflect what people are thinking.

News will be news, one cycle after another. Journalists will always remain relevant, but it is the response to news items that adds to the realm of debate even more crucially than the original news pieces themselves.

As terrific as the news that emanates from this country of ours, the response is what really matters. If the Hindu community is viciously attacked by fanatics, do we raise our voices or mutter something about ‘them finally accepting Islam’.

C: Bloggers actually care what others think.

We don’t, my own personal writing and thinking fetish aside it may be pertinent to note we all shall pass from the earth at some point, if our legacy is to be our deeds, our ideas fall in that category.

Long after we are gone, our ideas will live on, and does it really matter if one doesn’t like it?

Well, they can write a blog about it.

A version of this piece was published in the Tribune

Reformed Banking- J-Model

I Love finance. The stock market, the company projections, the concepts, macro economic trends, having to care about Iraqi and Brazilian Oil Fields, I love it all (okay...maybe not so much the number crunching).

But it's an inherently unfair system, the people who get loans are the ones who already have significant money and assets lying around (generally in offshore accounts). What I'd like to see is a bank that'll give a homeless guy off the street a loan to start his own business. A bank that's both profitable and altruistic. I'm a dreamer I realize, and I thank God every day that I never tried LSD, Cocaine, or any other kind of banned substance, otherwise I'd really be tripping....loans for baby mama's maybe?

I think the world needs a new kind of bank, the kind that actually has some social development goals coupled with the profit motive that can actually uplift a country and change peoples lives for the better?

1. Don't give Loans, buy Equity: Make any business loans akin to a partnership for a specified period of time. The bank doesn't earn fees; it earns a share of the profits. This may result in Banks meddling with companies to make them more efficient, but I don't think that's a bad idea.

It sounds a bit like venture capital and private equity, but the key difference here is that the profits will be shared in equal proportion to the DEPOSITORS (Management gets a sweet stake too....If you want the best, you pay for the best). And yes, the depositors will still have access to their accounts as usual, but at the end of the year, they will receive a weighted average portion of profit. If the banks declares a loss, then the depositors lose money. It's that simple. Take it or leave, it's also completely Islamic for all of you people I get to call infidels for not agreeing with me.

2. Standards & Regulations: Require companies that the Bank does business with to meet minimum standards like actually paying a minimum wage, address environmental concerns and spend a portion of their profits on non-for profit charities.

I vote donations to the Charity of Knocked up Play Boy Bunnies....It'll be good for PR...I promise.

3. Private Loans Conundrum; Now individuals often need loans for education, weddings and perhaps a good oven toaster (everyone needs a good over toaster), the question is how do you make loans under my model? Well, as always, I have a solution.

Not only will the loan be based on their credit history, their salary slip, assets etc, but that persons severance package. No loan is to exceed that amount. Period. And a contract will be signed that they will directly debit the amount from their salary on a monthly basis and if they get fired their severance will be...Or we can just take the market value of their disposable organs and monthly blood and sperm donation revenue and factor that in....what? It's a Win.

4. This Greed is Good for an Economy: Businesses will be run more efficiently, entrepreneurs will have actual business partners, Corporations will only be on the hook for amounts that they use, The government will be assured more revenue as there will be greater documentation of taxation.

The government ought to be happy about it, because they'll be more money for them to steal/borrow. I expect imports of 100 year old Scotches, BMW's and space ships to sky rocket....oh and sugar, Pakistani like their sugar.

5. Who would invest in such a Awesome model: I think the IMF, World Bank, Asian Development bank to name a few might be a tad bit interested in this sort of innovative model. Buffet and Soros like minded people might think its a good idea to park their idle cash in a system that promotes innovation and strong returns. Any excess cash can always be parked in other banks and financial institutions using liquid'ish debt instruments.

If you think about it, what the bank will be doing is entering into partnership with businesses and that assures them a share of any profits made, which thanks to efficient measures could be higher interest.

Obviously this would be balanced down by businesses that don't perform well, but that's when the debt revenue comes in handy to cushion losses. So theoretically it works....Must drink more red bull to delve deeper.

6. It Breeds Entrepreneurs: Banks themselves will help build, train and give experience to future entrepreneurs who manage their 'loan' portfolio, the next generation can get into the nuts and bolts of how to set up, run and efficiently manage a business.

The reason why so many people are corrupt is largely because they have no other way to increase their earnings rather than make more at their current jobs through....out sourcing themselves. By having programs that breed entrepreneurs, people who have no other means to make decent money have avenues for future opportunities.

Small Businesses create more jobs that big ones. And Banks can help....because it makes them money....oh and we care...a lot....seriously.

7. Promote Efficiency and Actual Credit Standards in Banks! Banks would become lean efficient machines that would have very low rates of delinquent loans, because their own profits would be directly on the line. No more 'friendly' loans. A business better have a pretty compelling power point and business plan on why it needs money.

Banks earning would go through the roof. Particularly as it's shareholders are literally everywhere. If their are some negligent morons (as there probably will be), firing them will be a public monthly spectacle where shareholders will be invited to bear witness...Sell tickets and popcorn, it'll increase revenue.

8. Banks have a Solid reason to care about their Customers: Currently, banks do what's best for the shareholders first and depositors second. Push comes to shove, they'll tack on higher fees on the depositors to keep the share holders happy. Now by making them both one and the same, it gives the bank access to it's shareholders funds, as well as it's depositors to induce better returns.

This might give the clientele a huge power trip, but there will be a lot less Customers put on hold while folks go on their 3rd tea break of the morning.

9. Give Preferential Loans to Women. They carry men's babies and need something to do during the day, have programs that help them run businesses from their homes, be it web based, sewing, writing etc.

Give some special loans for really cool innovative businesses like a Bungee Jumping facility (I love the idea of bungee jumping).

10. Invest in your Employees, expand EVERYONE'S Horizons: Offer educational programs and opportunities to everyone within the organization. I don't care if it's the maid or the CEO, everyone is entitled to the same opportunities as everyone else. If they want to go to school or gain a degree, the company ought to be obligated to cough that cash up.

It's fair and it's good PR. The costs can be mitigated by educational loan financing or that body part collateral thingy I talked about. If a bank is truly going to succeed, it needs to realize that it's merely the sum of the people that are working there. The truth is that most banks have awful work cultures, and people feel stifled by the lack of freedom.

The more educated a banks employees they are, the more they can contribute to realm of ideas on how to improve that bank. Ivy league grads are going to have a hard time figuring out how to expand their banks presence in depressed areas, but someone from that area who has gained educational opportunities through the bank is likely to be more valuable. It breeds good will in the industry. End of the day, it's good for business to local solution via the natives of the area.

The Big Idea:

The Greatest countries in the world are ones where small innovative businesses have thrived, thanks to the freedom and sources of capital to match their dreams. They have the avenues for their citizens to gain opportunities for a better life. That's meritocracy, and the J-Model of Banking can take us one step closer to opening up that dream for others (and make a butt load of money). Banks are the forefront of change.

Governments are too big, corrupt, unwieldy, inefficient and just plain unaccountable. Banks are the only sector that actually are connected to the rest of the economy and the country.

Getting a loan is hard, as it should be, but let's make it a little bit more fair.

My Blogging Experiment

I've always wondered if blogging is an art form or just a way for frustrated people to voice their ideas, thoughts, and general reservations about whats going on in their lives.

Then I realized that I don't really care what most people have to say as much as I enjoyed what latest thought was provoking the cogs in my own head.

The reason why I've decided to blog and unload whatever is going on in my mind is actually very simple. I can't afford therapy (retail or otherwise) and I personally enjoy writing (whether others will enjoy my brand of rambling remains to be seen). In time this will probably act as a diary (preferably an entertaining one) I'll share with an older me to see if I've matured or grown as a person; At my current trajectory I should hit a mental age of 25 by the time I'm 80.

Since I am a social animal, over thinker to a fault, and an avid sports fan, critical movie goer and sanguine reader, I doubt any particular theme will emerge. I am at heart, a random soul; My love of learning obtuse ridiculous things and developing wishful ideas has yet to be diminished by time. And privately I hope it never will.

So here I am blogo-sphere, hope your as therapeutic as my personal writing has been. I promise to be as honest and unfiltered as possible.

Note: to be fair its been so long since I had a functional filter I'm not sure what that would look like anymore.