Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare


Now, I keep hearing that the reason all of these Jihadists are so inclined on blowing themselves up is for God's ultimate reward of 72 Virgins. Now if Muslims actually believed this, there would be (a hell of a lot) more than the 40 or so suicide bombers in a year...for the love of God, there are over a Billion Muslims. 

These remarkably short life spanned chaps do it, because they are unhinged, they are morons and figure if they are going to kill themselves, they may as well get some credit for it....and say God said it was OK, so they're peeps can be proud of them and tell everyone there is a 'Welcome to Heaven' halo on their heads. Needless to say, their mental faculties are compromised (or mis-wired). But this whole concept brought a new line of questioning to my mind....

Q1. Who is the complete cluster fucking idiot who thought that seventy two virgins? 

It's from an unreliable guy, who heard it from a guy, who heard from a guy, who claimed that the Prophet said it, completely unverified and the guy has a spotty record/memory. A bunch of the sayings he attributed to Prophet Muhammad have already been disproved.....including this one.  

Q2. How did it become the epitome of God's greatest reward? 

If this imbecile is somehow still alive someone ought to take a loaded pistol, shove it up his ass, and keep pulling the trigger (remember to take the safety off!) till you hear the gun click......reload and repeat exercises. If the sewage spewing mind molester is dead, then I'm sure God's got me covered.

I have no idea beyond this. I refuse to conduct research as I believe all knowledge gathering outside of the Quran is a western conspiracy designed to cloud our pure Islamic minds. 

Ever wonder why there are so few Jihadist suicide bombers? It's very simple. It's evolution. Only the most stupid human being would think that it's a blessing to have to live and appease 72 chicks, hence, they are the morons who get to die (preferably before passing on their genes). To prove it, Islam allowed 4 wives. 

Now find me a single suicide bomber who has more than a single wife (that isn't clinically insane.... which would actually explain a lot).

Women are highly complex mind altering creatures, and the truth is that being with just one of them will cause cancer, ulcers, brain hemorrhaging, and that's before your married (if you want proof, check out Bridezillas). Now do yourself a favour and multiply that by the power of 72.  

Every man, with half a brain (or old enough to experience a relationship), has considered this, and has swiftly passed out from the potential trauma (this is why men like taking naps...we have long recovery periods). It's a completely stupid idea. 

Can imagine all the girl drama? Typical groups of girls (5-6) are bad enough, but I can't imagine what 72 virgins will do to a man psyche. Chatter, Chatter, Chatter....and you'll be the one 'impartial' mediator....Good Luck playing Daddy and Husband with the same horde of women all day (If your into that sort of thing, I doubt your in Gods goods books anyway). 

How do you explain how you love them all equally....to 72 women!!! Be careful or they'll string you up and tear you open like a pinata, although that's what you deserve for wanting such a ludicrous thing.  

Since women are the ones with the power in any relationship (it's a fact, check wikipedia), they are the ones who get to decide who gets the lucky martyr for the night....and how exactly do they do that amicably? Rock Paper Scissors? 

Forget friendly pillow fights, think more Jail house brawls. That's a dangerous collection of estrogen (a Class A felony drug if there was any), and your the only guy, but the end of your first week you'll be looking into Sex Change operations. 

Whilst one may currently be praying for 72 Virgins now, once you get them, you'll be praying for Viagra....not to mention a shot gun to blow your own brains out. 

Q3. Is this Logical?

My Logic is impeccable, if you don't believe me, check out my formula.

Step 1. Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Step 2. Martyrdom = Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues

Step 3. Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues = Seventy Two Virgins

The Big Idea

Life is hard, living the life of a good person (let alone Muslim) is hard. 
The truth is that we all, in some way or the other, come short.
To kill yourself and others in the name of religion is a cop out, and one that God isn't likely to fall for.
Instead, why don't you (Cluster Fucking) Martyrs, try Living for Islam and bettering the world around you.
Even if you fail, at least you won't harm anyone and hey, you might do some Actual Good.

12 comments:

rsh said...

Hahahaha, I just cant stop laughing (since, I am in office, so read, smiling cum laughing)...so very well done, as far as, suicide bombers are concerned...but I disagree about women having the upper hand in relationships, this is not quite true for the majority of women in this country.

Alpha Za said...

Thank you rsh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I think women do have the upper hand, they are just more covert about it and do most of their bossing around indoors. Find me a man, who isn't at least passive aggressively controlled by his partner and I'll show you a man in denial.

rsh said...

Hmmm, looking at the larger socio-cultural setup of the country and the spouse relationships, what is this phenomenon of 'domestic violence' and I agree that I am talking of an extreme, and here, you were talking of relationships which are a bit more 'civilized' and which have say of both partners...but I am talking about majority and what we see prevalent in practice.

Alpha Za said...

Ah very simple....men can hit back harder than women.

Besides, as women are typically smarter, a really irate cave man of a person would resort to violence once they've failed in the oratorical hostilities.

I don't know as much about domestic violence as you do, but I imagine that people living together for a number of years, do on occasion completely lose their minds.

I don't pretend to speak for the majority, because I'm not, I think I can empathize (thank god for a good education). I'm special (or call it elitist brat-ism if you like).

rsh said...

Well, well, well what a naive definition of domestic violence. But in any case ofcourse, we don't expect you to represent those from whom you are not..so, I would be glad to take you as 'elitist brat'.

Alec Lindsay said...

I have a feeling this discussion is being conducted in generalisations and stereotypes. Is your discussion about domestic violence in Pakistan? What evidence is there about domestic violence in Pakistan? The idea that women often control a marriage in the privacy of a closed home, by some mysteriously exercised moral pressure, is a cross cultural and cross social one. I suspect it is in some degree a comfortable idea for some men, and allows them to justify preserving the existing form of marriage and family, even when that form is oppressive.

Alpha Za said...

Hey guys, love the debate. to be fair everything (or anything) I say isn't meant to be taken seriously, it's all tongue and cheek, and should be taken as such.

Domestic violence is a serious concern, not just in Pakistan, but all over the world. It's under reported and at times over estimated depending on which group you ask.

We all look some sort of justification for our actions and the prevailing status quo. On an absolute moral perspective it is easy to say that marriages ought to be perfect, and that is what we should strive for.

I apologize if I offended anyone with my comments, I do have the tendency of egging people on and pushing their buttons.

Alec Lindsay said...

I'm not qualified to write about domestic violence anywhere, let alone Pakistan. I'm interested, however, in the fact that there is such similarity of experience across cultures, even tho' the structure of families may be very different. I'm not sure what you mean by saying 'marriage ought to be perfect'. There was an English philosopher called A.J. Ayer who was famous for saying 'it depends what you mean ...' In this case he'd say 'it depends what you mean by "marriage"', 'it depends what you mean by "ought"', 'it depends what you mean by "perfect"' (and possibly 'it depends what you mean by "to be"'). You haven't, by the way, offended me yet. You can't be trying hard enough! Love Alec

Alpha Za said...

Thanks for the comment Alec, you make an excellent philisophical point (I should know, I minored in Philosophy).

What does make one qualified to talk about something like domestic violence? experience, talking a few ppl, memorizing some stats? I dunno, but as long as we're having the conversation it may as well be a good one.

I think rsh might be sending envelope stuffed with anthrax over to my place. fingers crossed I don't get any important looking male anytime soon...I'm a sucker for cool flashy envelopes (they make the best paper planes).

Alec Lindsay said...

I'm sure rsh bears you no illwill. She just wants you to be more 'sympatico' and less of a brat. Brat is the word you used to describe yourself. I don't think it's very appropriate - you are too self-aware to be a complete brat, but I agree you do like to provoke. Maybe that's not a bad thing as long as your provocative statements are not taken to be what you really believe. Sometimes you must say what you really believe, or have you lost sight of that? Sorry I'm being very rude. You are a bit wild I think, but I quite like that. Love Alec

rsh said...

Hmmm, well yea, I agree with Alec that you haven't tried really hard to offend us.

I do have lots of tendency to become a terrorist of my own kind, but I would like to opt for real innovative ways, rather than using antrax so that I take the world by storm and no 'suicide bombers' are not my inspiration. I am, my inspiration, actually:P

Alpha Za said...

I have yet to find any Anthrax filled envelopes. Sweet.

Wish I had more envelopes for Paper Planes though.

Keep Inspiring yourself rsh.