Pakistani Capitalists Rock!

IT ROCKS!

Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan, the typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicos, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their facebook accounts.

What our Talent Pool Really Looks Like...

I on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we'll never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the right formula (The Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and lets face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in, deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the international Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan, being jointly sponsored by the Jamaat-e-Islami and Mossad.

Patriotic Pakistanis: Always Representing

I feel that the only class of people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we're ashamed of our good fortune sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As the wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well fed man to become an extremist". Now in order for that to happen, the not well fed  likely to become a terrorist fellows, would need something resembling gainful employment and not be an avid risk for life insurance companies.

Its not that difficult to convince drunk people to do stupid things though.

Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our Magical 'We believe in unlikely Miracles' Nation:

 

Desi Friend Finder: Most fights or 'phuddas' in Pakistan involve a substantive amount of posturing and grandiose threats, however, before the fight begins, there is typically end with some form of 'compro' (compromise), when some of the opposing sights recognize each other from a family they both attended whilst still in their nappies. The resulting 'compromise' typically entails an embarrassing assortment of black shirted pubescent teen boys hugging each other whilst acknowledging the brotherhood of Islam and how Mr Burger really does make the best burger.

I'm gonna hit you.....in a few....scared yet?

 
The reason this height of pathetic-ness tends to occur is because neither are particularly serious about fighting because they are scared of the sight of their own blood. The Desi Friend Finder will officiate these 'compros' by carefully interviewing the 'diaper gangsters' and find some obtuse relationships that will prevent all unwanted bloodshed. Facebook will come in handy too.

Baby Gangsters

I doubt that there is a parent on the planet that wouldn't pay the Desi Friend Finder his fees. After all, hospital bills are expensive.

Haha, All the Boys Want to Save US!

Honor Warriors: All men like playing hero whether its rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing and even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan isn't as lawless as your average 'gora'/foreigner is led to believe, or cutthroat scum of the halal earth thieves are just more polite around good looking women. This however, presents a significant problem, how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?

Honor Warriors

Hence, the Honor Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their purse or harass them, whilst a brave knight (who will be paying rather generously for this service based on a combination of his sexual frustration, access to porn and the attractiveness of the damsel in distress), will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' Desi CHAMAAAAT.

Who wouldn't help a naked-ish woman?

 
The Damsel, so grateful for her Savior's appearance (after all, a girl can't live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of Grandchildren.

Honor Warriors: Fulfilling Every Woman's Romantic Dream; Making their Friends Jealous

The Honor warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy. Kind of like Super Heroes.

Do You Want like 7.5 Oranges?

Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, Combs and Balloon Animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, cell phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They'd make alot more money and I wouldn't be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats.

If you want to make a living, sell stuff that you won't have to take home every night!

Financing this wouldn't be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate them some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out? 'Charitable' donations are tax exempt......Yay Capitalism!

Paid to Read Qurans....SWEET!...Dental Plan?

GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it's for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that an object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and whats the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for Madrassahs to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and Religion.....Who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs....

I bequeath you my Beard!

Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend alot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard, unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprout copious amounts of face fuzz and sell them for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.

Get Fit.....Chase Her

Personnel 'Fit Hai' Trainers: Most Pakistani's live a fairly sedimentary lifestyle, one's social life revolves around going to dinners and eating anything that can be easy deep fried in month old cooking oil.....fortunately month old cooking oil makes everything from a Mars Bar to anything resembling a vegetable rather tasty.

"Hey, wanna work out?"

To amp up the lifestyles of the Pear Shaped, a service of personnel 'Fit Hai' trainers will stalk and emotionally molest their clients into living a healthier lifestyle, whether its going to the gym, eating that salad for lunch or saying no to that 30th cup of hot sugar water laced with a sprinkling of Tea leaves

She's thinking "Don't Fart, Don't Fart!"
He's Thinking "Hope She doesn't Fart!"

They'll motivate and emotionally batter their clients by comparing their clients deluxe lunchbox to how the food would feed their entire village....for a week. The Personal 'Fit Hai' Trainers will get you in shape, if not through exercise that well thought out malnourishment.

Hope they made sure they got the right chick!

Wedding Attenders: The sheer volumes of weddings during any given season is mind boggling. Particularly strange considering how rarely anyone knows the Bride and Groom in question. Its usually some distant relatives that one hasn't seen in decades. However, decorum dictates that some for of attendance is mandatory. Enter in the 'Wedding Attenders', a service that will enhance all wedding invitation loaded socialites lives in question.  Very simply put, the Wedding Attenders will act as their clients representative at the wedding, and for additional fees, would even impersonate their clients.

Wedding Attenders: Who the hell is going to remember who anyone is anyway?

The service will be rather cost effective, with the food provided at the wedding being worked into the fees (why let all that good food go to waste?).  In addition, start up costs for this enterprise would be minimal, a few good suits and garishly decorated Kurtas. In fact, both the men and women divisions of the 'Wedding Attenders' can share and recycle the Kurtas.

"I don't know who you are, but I'll still hug you" Wedding Syndrome

Chastity Belts: What law abiding proud parent wouldn't want to get a chastity belt for their daughter.....or son for that matter. have you seen kids nowadays? It'll come with a GPS tracking service for women (and men) of every size. Luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushion finish....for comfort.... and to show off.

Its Classy Tight, but not Air Tight.

Entrepreneurs create business to service needs that aren't currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence taxable revenue (which one can do their damnedest to avoid paying) In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it's time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as oppose to crawling through the minefield we're currently nestled in.

A version of this piece was originally published on Dawn.com

Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn