Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Bugs Bunny Army



I used to love playing army as a kid, I'm all into that strategical warfare dimwit stuff, in real life who'd give me command of several hundred Orcs or battalions of Riflemen. Hell, in Sid Meier's Civilization 2, I'd make treaties just to break them.

For all of you CIV2 Fan's: I Love Communist Governments; Guess I'm a North Korean Kim Jong Il dictator at heart :( 

But in real life, Armies are big, expensive and most of the time, they're pretty much just chilling waiting for someone (who they think they can actually crush into oblivion) to pick a fight.When they do have something to do, they are usually incompetent at it (Israeli army, one of the best trained armies in the world, gets regular beat down from kids throwing rocks...I mean, c'mon, it's not like those rocks are made out of plutonium).


The Pakistani Army needs reforms. Simply put, I want an army that will affectionately be known as Bug's Bunnies. Now, it has occurred to me the difficulty in getting Paper illustration to carry out army operations, particularly when my own drawing skills usually made my teachers assume that I was mentally challenged (Thank God for A's for Effort).


Self Replenishment: Medical insurance, pharmaceutical drugs, stretchers, trained doctors are expensive. That's the first thing that we can immediately lop off from the defense budget. This is why; Bunnies tend to procreate...alot. Hence the army will continuously replete itself one bunny organism at a time.....or once a month (Rabbits have a gestation period of 31 days!).


You can continuously churn out the little buggers, (Rabbits can start breeding as early as 3-4 months) and unlike cows and pandas, you don't need to mess with the genetics. (I considered a cow army, but having the entire Indian army commencing worship whilst the Taliban slaughtered them for dinner seemed counter productive...besides, I love a good steak waaay too much).


The great armies of lore were mating machines...in the raping pillaging sort of way; basically they were very virile. If you ever meet a blue eyed chap from the subcontinent, odds are that several dozen generations ago their grandmother had a semen spilling romp with a Greek Legionnaire. Rabbits, are also mating machines quick and repetitive.


For those who want to know: The male rabbit will sniff the female and hop around her. Once she lies on her stomach, the male rabbit will mount her. A few quick thrusts later, a premature ejaculation later, bugs will emit a squeal and fall to one side of her. The rabbits will then rest, only to repeat the process several more times with a gutso...till preggers is achieved.

In addition to fooling hunters the world over, Rabbits can purr similar to a cat, hence which makes them exceedingly useful for covert operations. 

They'll also eat their enemies, if that doesn't inspire fear, I dunno what will.


If you've ever tried to blast a rabbit, you'll have noticed that they move really tricky quick (maxing out at 35 mph), changing direction all the time; they're just damn hard to pin down to get a clean shot at. Ask Elmer Fudd or just watch a few episodes of Bugs Bunny....and that's despite Rabbits have a blind spot infront of their adorable noses. Pesky but adorable rabbit indeed.

Riot police have the unfortunate reputation for kicking the shit out of protesters. A force of Bunnies would make the rage riddled mob mellow down in a spate of 'aws' and 'oohs'.



If that doesn't work, they bunnies can coated in weed (the chillllllll out kind). The mob would completely forget what they were upset about and simply resort to feeding the fluff muffin warm blooded bunnies some nice peeled carrots.If that doesn't work, keep the genetically enhanced Mc Donalds Human Flesh Easting killer bunnies Parachute Division as backup.


Identity Issues; It's no secret that most young kids who get dragged into the military because they have identity issues (I think). There are over 50 established breeds of domestic rabbits....so easy to leverage that into some sort of identity crisis. The military it is. 



Soldiers get into trouble when they have egregious amounts of free time. Having a Bugs Bunny army, save funds spent on the gaming rooms, swimming pools and fancy gyms. A rabbit will sleep up to 16 times a day...often with 16 different partners. It's much like a dysfunctional Mormon family.


Low Maintainance: Most Militaries require remuneration of say a salary, Bunnies, don't. Infact the only cost would be in food; We're an agricultural economy, we can grow lots of carrots and lettuce (I plan on opening a few farms and selling directly to the military). Thous shalt not skimp on the lettuce, besides, humans don't eat lettuce...unless their weight conscious and have no sense of deliciousness.  Trust me, there is nothing to be gained on skimping on food...oh and don't keep a chainsaw handy.


And not only do they groom themselves, they'll even eat their night crap.In case the 'handlers' are overwhelmed by the amount of poop, it's good to know that Rabbit droppings make excellent  fertilizer (Did I mention anything about a farm?) 


Ideal Suicide Bombers: I know no one likes the idea of suicide bombers, particularly when they're used against civilian targets, but from the Arab Assassin cult, the bomb strapping 1964 Pak-India war to the Tamil Tigers, it's a military tactic.

 
Most human suicide bombers require copious amounts of brain washing. Since we eat Rabbit's, it's not like we're condemning ourselves to hell....well, maybe PETA hell. They're totally disposable; I know they're cute, but c'mon they don't think beyond their next meal or next available copulation period. Strap on a cute terrain neutral suicide bomber jacket and you have your ideal operative.



Quick, nifty, disposable and completely dumb.You also save on the brain washing costs. Not to mention you can make your enemy feel like wusses for being afraid of cute, albeit deadly bunnies.


Alternatively, if you can make a Rabbit swallow the explosives, you are in luck; Rabbits can't vomit. Something to do with a God given gag reflex (I just made that up, no idea why). Hell, if that doesn't work, you don't mess with Bug's Bunnies. They'll use your bones to pick your perpetually growing teeth.



If this well thought out recruitment strategy doesn't work out and you're wondering what you're going to do with your horde of Rabbits, it's useful to note that rabbit meat is a pure all white meat lower in fat, cholesterol and calories than chicken, pork and beef.



If it doesn't taste right, that's what ketchup and hot sauce are for. Bunny Kebabs! Tastier than the Bun Kebabs.


 Armies are expensive, and the costs keep spiralling up each technology discovery (plus kickback) at a time. In Pakistan, with the added risk of military coups, the question becomes when does it stop being worth having one of the largest armies in the world? Does it really do more good than harm? Are we really safer? I dunno, I just like the idea of an army of Bug's Bunnies.

27 comments:

haya said...

AWWWWW-
I love rabbits and bunnies too.
I mean wow, it was reallly fun reading these all diverse perspectives regarding bunnies. Lol
man, I want a buny now - but they pooped around my house every where the last time I bought them..
Guess later!

Alpha Za said...

@ Haya: Thanks for the comment, haha, glad you enjoyed reading my brain poop.

Tell the resident Gardner that you got some natural fertilizer for him... and then make him clean it up and apply them to the soil.

.....Or just get a diaper bunny (assuming they exist...and you don't mind changing them).

MK said...

Haha! Bunnies are so cute! I don't like the idea of them blowing up into smithereens :(

Ghausia said...

Don't blow up the cute bunnies! It makes baby Jesus cry!

Also, so much more random than me dude.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mk: Yes, they are very cute, but they are sacrificing themselves for a greater cause. Think of how many lives they'll save!

ohk, we can look for some ugly breed of rabbits instead.

@ Ghausia: Baby Jesus won't cry if they blow themselves up, especially once he realizes how delicious they are.

I am Za, I am Random.

Amna Chaudhry said...

You're very cool. In a weird, surreal sort of way.

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna Chaudhry: Thanks, I think....you're pretty cool too. In a Post Neo Classical Modernistic sort of way.

Ghausia said...

But they're too cute to be yummy! I think you're cool in a deranged kind of way, since we're on the topic and I delight in jumping on bandwagons. Oh man, I really hoped I used that in the correct context lol.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia; thanks, I always wondered why I wasn't a good enough candidate for the ISI. Apparently my coolness poisons the required deranged-ness.

It's not only yummy, it's also healthy.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It might work if you could stop the enemy from eating them. I always thought Daffy Duck was more of a fighter than Bugs Bunny. Daffy had a mean streak whereas Bugs was just a smart arse. You don't win wars by being a smart arse.

Maryam said...

Wow. You're either very farig (which I doubt) or very easily able to come up with random nonsense that makes you laugh and is also somehow making sense =D

Teach me!

Paige said...

oh god that one bunny pic is effing scary

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Excellent points; It'll work because they won't know if the rabbit is loaded up with explosives or just scampering around with a rocket launcher on it's back.

Daffy can head up the Marines, they're all fighters with a mean streak. Bug's IS a smart arse, they make excellent Generals. I'm also thinking about drafting in Atom Ant to head up Covert Intelligence.

@ Maryam: Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed my 'random nonsense' enough to laugh ;) The logics are irrefutable.

Classes start next week, bring money...or cartons of Turkey Sandwiches.

@ Paige: Thanks for the comment. I Love your blog btw! Haha, yeah, they are rather crazy!

If you have a nightmare about a Rabbit consuming you while you lie petrified in fear...well....you're welcome ;)

ash89 said...

Wow! And till now, I thought rabbits JUST made cute pets. Now u've made an entire army of bunnies! What next?!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ash: Thanks for the comment, what can I say? Rabbits are multi-purpose. They'll cure cancer next.

Hmm...what's next... Cellphones infecting our blood with Alien spawn.

Sidrah said...

bunny army? population will be too much.
I like bunnies but am sure they won't like, i inject them in the eyes in uni. Poor creatures. Arent they adorable? I think they are also evil, though. Since forever. Maybe cos of bugs bunny.

nice fun post =)

Alpha Za said...

@ Sidrah: Thank you for the comment. The Population can be kept under control thanks to Baqra Eid.

Adorable, yet Evil. Sounds like the Perfect Military Operative.

Bugs is an accurate depiction of his race ;)

Glad you enjoyed it.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

AlphaZa, you've really thought this one through. The pics are great, too. It's a pretty solid argument. I just wonder if a truce would be declared on Easter and/or who would first get to the chocolate eggs (me or the militia)?
You got a laugh out loud from for the cow prayer - Taliban line.
xoRobyn

Anuradha said...

This post is so funny and stll makes sense.

I love you. You're cool.

Alpha Za said...

@ RawknRoby: Thanks for the comment, when stuff festers in my head for a while, it tends to develop.

Easter would be a truce, as the bunnies celebrate (covert ops will continue...nothing like the element of surprise).

You'd be wise to stay far away from the militia.

Glad I could make you laugh ;)

@ Anuradha: Thanks for the compliments, nice to know my satirical logical is infallible. I'd make an excellent eccentric politician.

Appreciate the Love! If it's only because I'm cool ;)

bebo ♥ said...

Awwwwwwwww I LOVE BUNNIES..THEY ARE SUCH A BFUL CREATION OF GOD..
feel bad that people eat them up too :((

I hardly get to see them these days

Maryam said...

I agree, you'd make an awesome crazy politician. Crazy. Not eccentric =P

Alpha Za said...

@ bebo: They are not only beautiful, they're pretty damn useful! Well, it's not people's fault that they are so tasty. like veal?

If their was a bunny army, you'd see them all the time....patrolling the streets.

@ Maryam: haha, thanks for the comment, i guess one man's crazy is another man's eccentric.

Shumaila said...

KILL THE BUNNIES! KILL THEM ALL! hahaa

you forgot to mention - if you're tired of eating them or blowing them up, give them to the scientists to research on! I'm sure we can find a good use for them.

very random article man :P but funny in a way :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Shumaila: Thanks for the comment! glad you enjoyed the post in all of it's amusing, bemusing randomness.

KILL THEM ALL; but, aren't they cutest lot ever?

I dunno if scientists ever would need several million rabbits for research, that's just impractical :P

Dr. Capt. Stownwhal Jaxson said...

Hilarious, poignant, and great pictures! What an awesome post man!
I played games similar to Civilization 2 called Age of Empires and Empire Earth, I was also a tyrant. Starting wars because I was bored watching my
villagers peacefully farm pumpkins.

I think the Pakistani army should be replaced with bunnies too (you made some compelling reasons).
Can't wait till the 1st Rabbit regiment storms the Swat valley!

Did you know in WW2 the Russians strapped explosives to dogs took out a ton of Nazi armor at Stalingard? They used dogs for the same reasons you put forth for rabbits. Nowadays our former allies, current enemies the Muj are using dogs in the same manner, does the cycle ever end?

I’d follow your blog, but my browser doesn’t let the follow icon appear for some reason, so I guess I’m following in spirit.

Alpha Za said...

@ Stownwhal: Thanks for the comment bud, glad you enjoyed the post.

I've actually rocked Age of Empires too, being a tyrant is fun, it lends to our natural human tendencies. Which is bad when you realize that the dictators of the world are in fact playing age of empire...with real people.

It will be a great day once the Rabbits begin their reign of murder...I mean killing enemies.

I actually didn't know that. I can see the logic though. It's used because it works. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

aw, that sucks, I think you should be able to add directly on your main dashboard page, regardless, it's good to have you following in spirit!