Thursday, October 28, 2010

Insane Aunties: The Scourge of The Sub-Continent

We're Coming For Your Brains!.....Betas loge!

Whilst men, like myself, are quite adept at proclaiming a general lack of fear in our 'manly' endeavors to climb mountains, enter in hot dog eating contests, date our friend's sisters (just kidding...or am I?), drink milk after a substantive meal of Nihari or even drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, there is one thing that makes all desi men quake in there boot. Aunties. Crazy ones. 


I even have a complex, mathematical formula that quantitatively expresses the conundrum, in...well...loosely put....BS form. Bhai Statistical....ism...ish....stuff.



Puppies + Goldilocks + Maldivian Coffee = Darth Vader
Proof: Puppies are deceptively cute till they bite you. Goldilocks is a nasty wench who goes around sleeping in people's beds and eating their food. No one like Maldivian Coffee; because it gives you the runs. Hence, No one likes Darth Vader because he smells like Maldivan Coffee has the propensity take other peoples stuff and he's a wench. 



Darth Vader = Desi Genes
Proof: If their mothers and bosses would let them, Desi guys would own nothing else other than black clothing and talk in throaty cig-wretched voices. Can't mess with Science. 

Female Puppies = Rabies = Aunties
Puppies have rabies, since rabies rhymes with babies and Aunties have babies or call everyone baby, therefore they are just like Aunties.

Desi + Aunties = Insane Aunties   
Proof: Brown Aunties have a special skin pigment that upon coming into contact with Rabies mutates them into a Chai drinking Zombie on Ecstasy. 



Aunties + Rabies = Insane Aunites = Darth Vader = Evil
Proof: All Aunties have rabies are insane, and by virtue of being Desi are insane and do inappropriate things like Darth Vader. Like looting, pillaging, murdering, lying, stealing, coughing, war mongering, cheating (for a more complete list, refer to Star Wars). 

Hey, Pinky, we're So hip na, your son is soooo Hot!


Every Desi person is well aware of the 'Insane Aunty syndrome' that has infected our happy, peace loving society. What is surprising about this condition is that every desi women's catches it...usually in wedding halls (close proximity in tight spaces is a boon for diseases of all sorts), it just manifests in different ways. 

Women, undergoing the Insane Aunty Phase can be cured; a detox of Hajj, the Bahamas or a dearth of 'good' marriage grade girls and boys is highly recommended. As is a charity they can pretend to be a substantial part off. These infected Aunties are actually rather easy to spot, they are often observed with latest big buggy sun glasses, latest designer wear that always seems a few inches too tight, are replete with over sized bags, state of the art cell phones (which they only use to call & occasionally take picture) and the talent to spread news faster than the black plague, or more currently, denguey. 

I'm not sure what it is about Pakistan that nurtures these women, but I'm betting on a conspiracy spearheaded by the insidious European Pygmies of North Southern Slovakia....it's a top secret group....like the Zionists!


I'm certain off is that there is some sort of genetic disposition in sub-continental women that, at a drop of a hat, makes them turn into bat shit fucking crazy beings hell bent on ridding the world of the unmarried, and mosquitoes. not necessarily in that order. 

In Pakistani, 'Hot Aunties' is a very popular search term. In the spirit of lucidity, I'm fairly confident that a disproportional number of these childish searches are by boys (and girls, I'm broad minded like that) seeking materials of the pornographic nature (Side note: I love that I can pretend to write like an adult). I think it's the Desi equivalent to MILF or perhaps the searchers were hoping to view their favorite Insane Aunty on Fire. 

Tell Us More About This North South Slovak Consipiracy!

Now Pakistani girls in general are rather blessed in the looks department. They have what can only be described as copy right on Diva'esque 'God deems that you'll definitely get married...if you want to' body type. However, once a woman enters the Aunty stage (loosely defined at say 35, though I do know a toddler lass who prances around with an over sized hand bag, cell phone and shades large enough to protect her brain from UV rays), she tends to....um change.  

The Visual Facts Speak for themselves

The 'it's natural to put on a few pounds' comment, turns into several...dozen... of those 'few pounds', which is fine, because that's genetics. However, Insane Aunties love to 'barely notice' and have decade long conversations about everyone else's weight except for their own; I have the feeling that lack of mirrors and being self-delusional helps. As do prescription drugs.



PS: Their Tailors are lying to them about their waists.

Gossip: Aunties are criticized for minute things like not knowing how to use the world wide web. Which is true, but the reason why is very simple. Aunties are the world wide web. Gossip spreading in an aunty circles like a plague of well... denguey. 



Once a bit of gossip gets the tiniest bit of attention, one may as well have announced it in the north pole via loudspeaker. They're getting in on Facebook too....The Millat Kind (everyone's outgrown Orkut).

Insane Aunties have an enhanced sense of smell, which they use for their sleuthing. Want to know if a girl is pregnant, ask an insane aunty and she'll give you accurate intel. One whiff. The American Drug Traffickers Association must piss in their pants every time they see one. 


In an age where most older people can't understand cell phones, Insane Aunties have some psychic relationship with their phones, they always are on it, know when it's going to ring and why. I'm betting that there is a Swedish chip tucked away in the recesses of their brains. Right next to the hypocrisy ignorer kill switch.

Women carry massive bags, that's not secret. Insane Aunties, not only carry massive bags, they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of Sugar, Ketchup, Hot Sauce Sachets, BBQ Tonight Wet Wipes, decade old receipts,....and it's no wonder why they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of 'Bootilicious'. Kill me now. 



Devious; no matter what position you take, an aunty will be able to add some insight that makes it sound like she agrees with you. before she lambasts you later in a classy bitchy way ofcourse. they call it 'being polite'. Want to create a scandal? Tell her anything....even Alien stories work.



A nation of Match Makers: In a culture where arranged marriage are the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it get's done? it's the Auntie nation coming to the fore! Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate Peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made. 



The sad thing is that as crazy and ridiculous as Insane Aunties are, leaving the youth quivering in their wake, it's these kooks that help make our lives entertaining. So as much as the grief, it's totally worth it. No one complained about the plague after they died from it did they? If you can't beat them, know that eventually you'll be genetically required to join them.

Special thanks to all Desi women that do not morph into Insane Aunties. Your contribution to the male sanity is appreciated. 

62 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Haha, you sound as if you've been on the receiving end of some heavy duty matchmaking! And the hot chick photos must be your way of telling auntie you've got other thing on your mind. I think you could get round any auntie by pretending to admire her big bottom. I wouldn't have to pretend, of course.

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Haha, I think everyone become a 'person of interest' during the investigation.

The hot chick photos were my way of offering up some eye candy to my readers. I strive to be generous.

Haha, I'm sure they would appreciate your attention, your outstanding code of conduct will naturally be tested.

Maryam said...

I loved Auntie No. 1! Hilarious! Anyway, girls always end up getting the worst deals when it comes to aunties. A number of things I've been told:

'Beta, BBA kar rahi ho? Pehlay MBA kyun nahin kia?'

'You're getting dark. Stop going to university.'

'Nobody wants a bahu who wants to work after getting married. Haye haye.'

:S :S :S :S :S

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: haha, thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Girl's do get pretty bad deals from Aunties, but I guess the point is that men aren't exactly enamoured either. Atleast women get to turn into Aunties. We get all that grief with know end game...or revenge.

Haha, your Aunties are hilarious. See they have immense entertainment value. I particularly love 'You're getting dark. Stop going to university'.

Chin up, you're both going to University and Working. You can officially enroll yourself in the Desi Lass Bad Ass Awards.

Riot Kitty said...

Thank you for the laughs! This cracked me up...over here, I believe we call them "mothers-in-law."

The Reason You Come said...

This is funny! I've got one of those insane aunties, who's been driving me and my cousins nuts since we were little. We used to cower in fear; now we just roll our eyes. ;)

Christopher said...

haha, this is pretty funny

secret.whispers said...

i resent this implication of transformation..
however, that being said, i saw an aunty at the gym once who admitted to joining the gym to look for bahus. seriously. what kind of trouble is she trying to get her son into?!

P.S. i did have some BBQ tonight wet wipes in my purse for a while. but only because they smell nice xD

Asha said...

I LOVED the Darth Vader meets Cat Woman picture.
Also, I think that rather large woman ate the aunties your were trying to show us...lol.
As always, you have entertained me.
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

Zabrinah said...

Interesting post with a lot of vivid pictures.

I definitely think gossip is kryptonite for most women--in fact most men, too. It gets us all.

Best wishes,

~Zabrinah

Ria said...

Omg! This post was simply hilarious. Loved every bit of it, and the whole analogy on aunties....lol too freakin good!!

Alpha Za said...

@ Riot Kitty: haha, thanks for the comment. Mothers in Law....turned Monsters In Law.

@ The Reason You Come: Everyone's got their own brand of Insane Aunty. It's like Desi moonshine. Glad you enjoyed the post.

@ Christopher: Thanks, Glad you enjoyed it.

@ Secret Whisper: She was obviously looking for a very 'fit' girl for her probably oversized son.

Haha, fine, no judgements about the wipes, but did you have dozens from multiple visits?

@ Asha: Haha, I particularly liked that one too. You don't mess with a Hungry Aunty...Thanks for the comment, glad that I continue to entertain you!

@ Zabrinah: Thanks for the comment. Knowledge is power, no one said anything about it being made up or how it's disseminated.

@ Ria: Haha Thanks! Appreciate the compliment.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Great post!

And now I have a new search term for those lonely nights, "hot aunties"

Alpha Za said...

@ Bob Melon: Haha, I always strive to ensure your adult internet search requirements are met.

Hina Khan said...

great humour, have to love the aunties.

Alpha Za said...

@ Hina Khan: Thanks for the comment, they are indeed worthy of our bemused love.

obssesor said...

Aunties in general are nosy and if they are insane god help us!
PS: I do agree it's a unique feature of the Sub Continenent!

Joanna Cake said...

Im an Aunty!

But Im determined to be one of a kind and keep my pert behind ;P

However, that won't stop me from trying to set up all my recently divorced male and female friends :)

Jason Shaw said...

Wonderful post. Thanks for the giggles.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Don't those Pakistani Aunties know that all they need to do is feed their nephews chocolate? I'm glad your aunties aren't insane, and I hope they give you chocolate.
xoRobyn

Alec Lindsay said...

Hey,Murtaza,I´mstillout here - just. There is an English comic writer called P.G.Wodehouse - you´ve probably read him, knowing you - who´s usual hero, Bertie Wooster, is completely aunt-ridden. The origin of all the difficulties he gets into can be laid at the door of one or other of his dreadful aunts. His contention is that aunts rule the world, and are universally to be feared. Maybe this appalling aunt thing is more world-spread than you think. Love from Spain, Alec xx

Mariam said...

Interesting write up, and I know what a headache they can be, when you are in your late-twenties and still un-married :P

Totally agree with your "putting up few extra pounds is natural" thing. This is what make them more and more fat, and I still cant find the reason of wearing tight clothes when they are unable to fit into it : D

Alpha Za said...

@ Obsessor: Thanks for the comment. We certainly do grow them here.

@ Joanna cake: You're an Aunty, but off the best kind. We completely support your efforts to keep your behind pert.

Haha, am I'm sure your recently divorced friends will deal with it.

@ Jason Shaw: Long time no hear, thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed the post.

@ RawknRobyn: I am well provided in the chocolate department. they even have Icecream at hand. What can I say, we're guillible.

@ Alec: Good to hear from you buddy, glad that you are enjoying Spain. I actually haven't read him, but now I feel that I ought to. Sounds like Aunt's have provided a rich source of comic relief. Talk about utility. It's certainly looking like it's spreading......

Take care Alec, God Bless.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: Thank you for the comment. I do believe that Aunties are far more blood thirsty towards un-married women than guys, particularly as you close in on 30. I say you just do the respectable thing and lie about your age.

What can I say, delusional can be taken to the extreme. I also blame their tailors....and anything resembling reflective qualities that they come into contact with.

Falaxy said...

LOL @ Betas Loge, i want to be an insane aunty just so i can address ppl by that term!

Anuradha said...

Haha this post was hilarious. Aunties scare me. Especially because I'm inching towards adulthood. -_-

Thank heavens I get to escape to university soon :D

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I'm going to make my own darth vaderette outfit for next years halloween party...awesome huh/

loved the post...funny. and I so know that about aunties.

I tell my nephews and nieces to repeat this joke to their mothers.

question: where do cousins come from?

answer: Ant holes.


hahaha.. later honey. xx

Alpha Za said...

@ Falaxy: Haha, give it some time, I'm sure you'll get there and be the best Aunty you can be. Betas Loge Zindabad!

@ Anuradha: Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post. Aunties have the ability to scare most young girls, you'll be surprised how not an escape university is....Aunties are everywhere!

@ Spiky Jones: Death Vaderette..That is Awesome. I expect to see pictures!

glad you enjoyed the post, the Aunties are everywhere, and they're spreading faster than the T-Virus in Resident Evil.

Haha, Ant Holes...I'm totally using that!

Thanks again for dropping by; Have a good one!

Mariam said...

Lying about age is the last thing i would do. And about tight clothes, the reason i found is that they are always optimistic that they will loose few extra pounds, somehow magically.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: That is very true, it's odd, when we're younger our parents would buy us really loose, baggy clothes with the intention that we'll 'eventually grow into' them, and on the other hand Aunties buy clothes in the expectation for magical future weight loss. Can you imagine what would happen once Lipo hits Pakistan like a Tsunami?

Roshni said...

No mention of the famous Hunter Wali? ..come'onnnnn

Mariam said...

People do go for lipo, though it has not much evolved in Pakistan yet, and is dangerous.

@ Roshni

Are you talking about hunter wali aunties, such as musarat shaheen or anjuman?? :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Roshni: After an intense discussion with my multiple split personalities I left the Cougars out of it. They legitimately scare me. Respekt.

@ Mariam: really, I never knew that Lipo happened much in Pakistan. Hopefully it doesn't catch on. the whole Lasik and skin lifts thing scares me enough as it is.

Ghausia said...

Woo, finally got a chance to read this. Erm, I have a lot of reciepts in my bag. To be fair, a lot of the scraps of paper are scribbled over with class notes and shit.

I don't know what you're complaining about. Do aunties bring burqay walis to see you and later tell you to wear your contacts when you come to the meat show? I like my glasses damnit. They define me. They keep me as Ghausia the writer, with Ghausia the girl emerging at weddings, parties, or just waking up way too early in the morning and having ample time to get ready. Aunties are a scourge I tell you. A SCOURGE.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: You write all of your class notes on old receipts? For Shame!

Hey, men have a right to complain as much as women do. We get treated like pieces of meat too. Albeit the kind kept for bull fights, as opposed to cows kept for milking and replenishment...those darn Insane Aunties act like those blasted farmers!

Ghausia said...

haha no the reciepts are from grocery trips and Espresso (of course. The scrap pieces of paper are because I rush out late and forget my notebook and thus beg paper from my friends. Plus, I'm CR-ing for two classes so have lists of names for things. And btw being a CR sucks. Sob.

What do you guys have to fear from aunties?! Its bad enough that every time granny sees me she goes, "Ullu ke pathi shadi kab karogi" which is mostly why I love her lol plus all the mamis and shit asking me why I'm studying so much, and then the bloody matchmakers come along. Grr. Thne system SUCKS. Plus, since my brother's soon-to-be engaged, I'm the last one left. Sob. Sure, the new bhabi-to-be's awesome but couldn't they have waited till after I graduate?!

Madame DeFarge said...

I shall have to ask friends of mine about this phenomenon. I suspect that the same is true of Scottish aunties. Maybe it's an auntie thing.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: aww, I'd suggest simplifying the process and just photocopying your friends notes later. Save that paper for the important things in life. Like passing notes in class. CR?

You're right, everyone is insensitive towards you. You have my support. Down with the Aunties.

@ Madame DeFarge: Obviously, the plague is spreading. The region needs to stop exporting people...and spices.

Ghausia said...

All my friends suck at taking notes, their writing speed is incredibly slow. Me, I write shorthand like a pro. Plus, passing notes in a class of twelve students is hard. We just text each other. See, this just shows the gap b/w our ages. In your day, they passed notes. Us, we use these things called cel-lu-lar phones. Heh how long before the you being ancient joke gets annoying?

CR as in the class rep, fancy word for monitor. But its not what you think! I'm cool damnit, I swear I am! I got stuck with it cause I'm the only one who takes notes and remembers things, so my teacher thinks I'm responsible or something and asks me to do things for him. I can't refuse because the guy is just so nice, and a great teacher. I'm still cool, I swear!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: This is why R2D2's are needed in this world. One of my friends in college used to tape all of her classes. But I don't see the point of having to sit through class twice......

My split personalities are debating whether or not the ancient jokes are annoying, not consensus as yet, but my 'Dexter' personality is not amused.

hhaha, you're the class rep. how funny is that. Nerdoo! In a class of 12 infact.

I won't even pretend to joke about all the things he asks you to do for him....it's too easy, it'd be unfair.

Ghausia said...

Oh I'm kind of geeky, I like scribbling clothes unless its, shudder, an econ class or financial development or something. The horror.

I'm assuming that your Dexter personality isn't the cartoon version?

Okay look in one of his classes there are 28 students and in the other there's ten okay! Someone has to do all the responsible shit! Plus, in the smaller class this girl we all hate assumed SHE was the CR because she's a 'senior' so when we joined that class, I deliberately started being overefficient till it was well established to the girl we hate that I was the CR and she was a lowly nothing BUAHAHAHA.

haha it is too easy, I didn't even realize what I wrote till you pointed it out.

I am not a nerd! boohoo!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Geeky = Nerdy. Fact.

Wouldn't you like to know?

So you started off wanting to be the teachers pet... ;) FOR SHAME!

Mayank said...

Haha.. nice post dude :) . Truly an auntie thing. One of my first posts was a tribute to the aunties.. Do chk that out :)

http://www.whatthefckisgoinon.in/2010/04/tribute-to-aunties.html

Mayank said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mayank said...

A nation of Match Makers: In a culture where arranged marriage are the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it get's done? it's the Auntie nation coming to the fore! Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate Peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made. " ..

.. This para reminds me of my post on aunties (http://www.whatthefckisgoinon.in/2010/04/tribute-to-aunties.html) .

I guess, everyone who knows aunties inside out shares a common irritation regardin them LOL

Alpha Za said...

@ Mayank: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Aunties do tend to elicit a strong response. But hey, so did the Nazis.

Checked your post out, pretty awesome stuff.

Ghausia said...

Look, being a geek isn't a bad thing because it means you're smart and well-read and that's a good thing! And, plus, I'm still pretty girly and fun and shit so I don't fit the stereotype. Shut up I'm not a geek or a nerd!

Nooo I didn't want to be the teacher's pet! The dude asks me to do stuff for him because he sees me as the only serious one and I can't say no so I have to upload class lectures and shit and make facebook groups. It sucks. Sob. I'm not a teacher's pet! Damnit I'm gonna ask the bhabi to give me some dirt on you so I can use it against you now. :D

Smokey_Cat said...

haha All aunties are the same!

alonewithcats said...

I'm pretty awful at math. But your Insane Auntie equations? They make total sense to me. I'm not sure what that says about you, though.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I always assumed that being a Geek meant that either one had a crush on a teacher, and it just kinda took hold to study. Actually most conventional geeks I know, arent well read, they just know how to study.

I'm glad for your friends that you are girly and fun. geek or no geek ;)

He sees you and asks you to do things that you can't say no to....my Lord, you're making it so difficult not to make fun of you.

He makes you make facebook groups for him?

Good luck with the Bhaabi information gathering.

@ Smokey Cat: That they are.

@ Alonewithcats: It says that we get to share an insane asylum one day. Yay.

Ghausia said...

Oh nuts. I did crush on my teacher. But hey, it quickly turned into hero worship because he was really awesome! I'm not helping my case any am I?

Stop twisting my words around, you perv. :D

Oh the FB group is for making announcements, uploading lectures, links, vids of political talk shows, etc. See, nothing dirty there!

Caffeinated Bliss said...

I had to stop reading several times to just laugh. Excellent post!!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: The truth shall set you free.

haha, maybe you're the one that's pervin! :D

haha, so it's sort of a hero worship group for class. But yes, nothing dirty.

@ Caffeinated Bliss: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed the post and that it made you laugh! I should probably add something about the laughing fits in my disclaimer.

artkapakistan said...

Aunties are the bane of my existence (as you already know from my endless ranting) but I just can't relate to them having anything to do with Darth Vader. I love Darth Vader and his asthmatic jabbering. Oh don't defile him by comparing him to aunties. Their special brand of evil puts him to shame though.

Alpha Za said...

@ Artkapakistan: haha, i know, that's why I thought this post would amuse you.

Darth is still crazy. Check out my equations above!

Nas said...

This was excellent!
&& so true as well to an extent!
:D.
awesome post.
Thank you
:)

artkapakistan said...

http://artkapakistan.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/hot-pakistani-auntie-pics/

Yeah.

Alpha Za said...

@ Nas: Thanks dude! Appreciate it! Haha, as long as it's both funny and true to an extent, I'm happy.

Glad you enjoyed the piece!

@ Artkapakistan: haha, I love it!

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