Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fakeroids: The Annoying Zombie Plague

Intense, Crazy Wired, Hip, Retarded
Dear "Mr. My Fake Shades Make me Better than You",

You may not remember me, but fate briefly introduced us when you decided that your intake of red bull justified annoying me. I wish I could remember your name, but it's rather a blur. It's not that I didn't enjoy your fake American-British encrusted accent or your expertise in decadent frivolities (no, I didn't know that 'Rambo' center was where all the cool people hung out and my life was better for it).  I'll even go as far as to concede that I found your caffeine frothing threats to 'BBM' me from your Chinese Blueberry cell completely amusing. Fact: The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

Drinking Coffee Makes Me Cool
Now, I don't mind the average person pounding 12 Red bull cans a day, but must you insist on running up to strangers and telling us how 'Crazy Wired' you are? There is a gaping chasm to what is cool, and what is woefully pathetic. You're not on the right side of the chasm. The silly stunts don't help either. As for me, I can drink a red bull and go straight to bed.


It's wonderful to meet such wannabe cultured souls whose love for all things "Areamani" (yes you read right) define their existence, and to be with fair, half the population is illiterate. And no one can be more persistently stylish than our fashionista Fakeroids. however, it is with great regret that I must point out that most of us can tell the difference between Areamani and Armani. It's something to do with being functionally literate I imagine.



The floods have devastated people's lives ... please don't try to equate it to the misery you feel when your servant left to rebuild his waterlogged ancestral village, nor is it a particularly tasteful excuse to attend 'charity' events, primarily to complain how the rich folk aren't doing their part to help the flood victims, all whilst gulping down 375 rupee coffee (You'd magnanimously donate the 25 rupee change, of course). That's the cost of a weeks rations for a small family. If you like, I have the receipts to prove it, they may seem unfamiliar since they aren't from the high end stores (Aghas/Epcos) you're used to frequenting.

I love me some intellectual debate
The Fakeroids have deemed unemployment to be devastatingly in vogue, I mean how else would Mummy and Daddy feet utterly grateful for the delight that they are privileged enough to replenish the holy wardrobe...  Particularly when an Armani pants costs the equivalent of the country's GDP per Capita.

Indoors, Shades, Girl passed out on me. Quick. TAKE A PICTURE....Who is the $#%$# Random Guy?

With great apology, I must point out that because your esteemed plain black sequined pants (which you got from Zainab market) because they look just like the pair that Paris Hilton once wore, doesn't mean make you a fashion icon or a size zero.....and no, a corset won't help. Cutting down on the ice cream might. I'd also appreciate the opportunity to gently point out that Paris Hilton rose to fame because of things other than her sense of fashion.
Cute Pup Laden With Jewelry that's going to get it Killed
Does your dog really have to wear ruby encrusted shoes that cost as much as the annual GDP of Balochistan?I love dogs as much as the next person, which is why I encourage everyone to vote. And no, liking a politician's facebook profile because it rhymes with 'VersaCHEE' doesn't count.

Now, as much as you love to prance into Coffee houses demanding the most complex pretentious drink known to man (asking for yak milk in your cappuccino much?), the rest of the 'we're drinking our damn coffee' republic doesn't care how well traveled you are or how Pares (Um...Paris) is just like Iceland (that habit of smirking and insisting Pares that's where all Parsi's come from and that Ice was invented in Iceland gets on my nerves too). At this point, the audience at large is unlikely to be impressed by your opinions on the state of Karachi either, particular if you've never been past Hotel Metropole because it is kacha abbadi and there are no good cafe's past there.

I don't care how well you know ANY of these people. 
The Fakeroids seem to live some charmed existence, the only indication they have that there is some modicum of unrest in the city is when Espresso shuts down for the day; which translates into a calamity ofcourse. But it is certainly a lovely chance to play 'oooh the roads are empty (minus the mob) look how fast I can drive my car.'

Please don't pretend that all of your clothes are khaadi; knock offs lack a certain something....usually referred to as tags. the flimsy quality is a dead giveaway too. But don't fret, you can buy another before the color starts to run.
Just because we can tell, doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures
I would never say that my wearing original Ray Beans shades makes me better than you, I'm far too cultured and polite for that. However, if a Fakeroid insists on trying to pass off their collection of 100 rupee shades whilst expertly proclaiming that my shades are obviously fake, I must insist that they carry a receipt, warranty and a letter from the manufacturer with them at all times. Think of it as a 'put up or shut up' badge of honor.

My Mistake, you don't actually have to say 'Do you Want Fries with that' to Work at McDonalds
So, Fakeroids, be who you are, be proud of it. You think that you're a Snob, but what you really are is a bun kebab who really wants to be a wannabe burger....hell, even they don't want to claim you. Rest easy, and learn how to say 'would you like fries with that'.

And don't bug me again, my time is valuable, I actually have to work to make a living and pay taxes to ensure that others don't.

Person who'll gladly use your fake Lacoste Polo to clean his Kenneth Cole Boots

PS: You know who you are.

87 comments:

Asha said...

The Fakeroids are taking over the world! It burns me that being stupid is what's "in". The population is spiraling out of control into a pit of idiocracy and shallowness.
Interesting read, as always.
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

Alpha Za said...

@ Asha: Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed the post. The Fakeroids virus does seem to be spreading the world over. maybe our immunity just sucks....or it's just a phase....finger crossed.

Maryam said...

P.S. I really hope its not me =P

I don't even own shades. How *incool*.

Gorilla Bananas said...

375 rupees for a cup of coffee sounds a hell of a lot. To give us a frame of reference, how much is a slap-up paratha-kebab meal in an open-air eatery in Karachi? If such a place exists.

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: You are safe. The only people who I know that don't own shades are vampires and wizards (they can just dim the sun with a spell).

Maybe you're just a whole new level of cool ;)

@ Gorilla Bananas: Paratha Kebab Meal would cost you around 25-40 bucks.

375 rupees is hell of a lot.

We have alot of those places. The food is usually awesome. However, they don't take well to sensitive digestive systems like those of a Gorilla.

Maryam said...

Haha! 'Wannabe bun kebab' is what I call such people :D And yeah, at university I have people lamenting about how their tailor has gone back to his flood afflicted village, and how they'd possibly survive two weeks of not wearing a new outfit every day. So blegh.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

Although some of the references were lost of me, I got the main message of the blog and yes, I hate fakers. They are one of the most annoying people on the face of the planet. Especially when they're politicians. That's one of the reason why I don't trust a politician as far as I can throw them.

http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

Christopher said...

I think they've invaded the north side of Chicago too. This could be a worldwide pandemic. I disagree with classifying them as zombies though, at least zombies want brains (even if it is only to eat them).

Drake Sigar said...

You are my new hero.

bebo ♥ said...

The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

LOL

I have a collection of shades but thats not to make me feel better .. and they all are not brands.
I purchased them to avoid sunlight straight into my eyes..

I have cousins who have gone to such extents that they PURCHASED a dress from a roadside shop (witnessed) and they upload the pics on fb claiming its a brand..
NOW CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Fakies think they are taking over...
Not true.... They aren't..
Real is attractive.

Nas said...

It's better to a be a good image of yourself than a bad one of someone else :).

Great post!

=]

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Thanks for the comment, I really ought to copyright the term wannabe bun kebab.

@ The Adorable Ditz: Thanks for the comment, Fakers and politicians are usually cut from the same cloth. So you got a very accurate gist of it!

@ Christopher: But I thought that Zombies eat any part of the human anatomy? I mean, if the brain comes first, duh they'll go for it, but the skull casing must make that difficult. To think that I actually like Chicago....Then again, it's primarily because of Pot Belly's, Brick's Pizza and Second City. This doesn't make me shallow.

@ Drake Sagar: Thanks Drake, I appreciate the Hero Worship. Love your profile pic.

@ Bebe: Haha, thanks for sharing, I would never accuse your adorable self of being a faker. Fakeroid's have no limit to their brand shallow wannabe'ness.

Real is the way to go.

@ Nas: Thanks for the comment, very well put ;)

Riot Kitty said...

There are plenty of them in Portland, Oregon, US unfortunately. BTW, who killed Elmo?!

Alpha Za said...

@ Riot Kitty: Pity, I always though Oregon as more of a Green hippy state aka Down with Environment and Being Real State. The plague spreads.

Elmo was killed by Courtney Love, as was Kurt-eous Cobain and Big Bird. The Cookie Monster might be next.

ash89 said...

Lets find all these fakeroids and shoot them. They annoy me.
All the people in my class insist on having coffee every 20 minutes. Because its COOL and makes them feel intellectual.
Whats the world coming to??

Ghausia said...

I insist that you tell us exactly what prompted this rant. Its only fair to share with your adoring public after all. And if you don't, is that any way to treat your biggest fangirl? :(

Furree Katt said...

this is exactly why i do not mingle, and why i'm glad i'm homeschooled so that i never have to meet people like this. (horrified at the school girls' picture)

YOU ARE SO AWESOME AAAAHHH

Alpha Za said...

@ Ash89: I'm locked and loaded, ready to go whenever you are.

Having Coffee is Cool! Especially in this heat. It's brilliant thinking for an over heated underused brain.

The world is in a state of "WTF is going on?"

@ Ghausia: Thanks for commenting, your insistence has paid dividends. Let's pretend, that I was standing in line in espresso and I couldn't help but over hear some very ridiculous conversations that made me want to puke. Particularly since they thought that they were at Starbucks.

My biggest fangirl is awesome!

@ Furee Katt: Haha, to each their own, personally I doubt that you'd quite turn out that way. Jackie would not approve.

Thank you so much for the compliment and the comment. You're very sweet.

Zabrinah said...

Great post. Nice Paris Hilton and Red bull inserts. You're a fabulous writer. What a biting letter!

~Zabrinah

Alpha Za said...

@ Zabrinah: Thanks for the comment, really appreciate the compliment. You are making me blush.

I would say that Paris Hilton is a terrific actress, she always makes me happy when i see her get brutally killed in House of Wax. Heart Warming Stuff.

Red Bull gives you wings, unfortunately it gives morons an excuse to speak, where silence would be better appreciated.

Your blog is awesome btw.

Ghausia said...

HAHAHA now I'm too scared to go to Espresso anymore damnit and I was craving a vanilla latte :D The same happened to me at Vincci, i went to exchange my shoes for a smaller size and there was a very ugly couple there who kept conversing loudly in fake accents about which shoes the dude liked (I bet they never bought a pair, or ended up getting the ones which were cheapest and that was why they went through so many pairs) I feel for you.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: though Shalt Fear Espresso! If it makes you feel any better, they deliver. Or if you prefer, you can go to Club Havana and they'll bring Espresso to you. It's brilliant.

I'm more surprised that it actually mattered what the dude liked.

The Reason You Come said...

There are a lot of people in my world who are fakers; shallow, insecure people who think a branded purse, pair of shoes, or shades - or a knockoff of any of those - will make them better than everyone else. I was in danger of buying into their shallowness. Fortunately for me, I met a man who's the opposite of a faker. He's as real as real can get, and doesn't care about who or what is fashionable or not. He saved me from their clutches, and that's one of the reasons I'm marrying him. :)

Alpha Za said...

@ The Reason You Come: Thanks for the insight. That is one awesome dude you're permanently shacking up with. It's fantastic that you recognize that in him and enjoy that. He saved you. yay to mankind!

Man: 1
Fakeroids: 0

haya said...

THAT WAS REALLY SOME ARTICLE!
hahahah woah, people are so fake I know..
and especially that picture where a bunch of college girls are flipping-- OHMYGOD! so true... FAKE ATTENTION SEEKERS.

Ghausia said...

But I like Espresso more! I'm trying to go either today or tomorrow I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh I don't think the dude's choice mattered. He kept saying oh I like this one, get this one and she kept agreeing and pulling out another pair. I bet she just wanted to show off that I'm so cool I go shoe-shopping with my boyfriend (And never listen to the poor bastard when he tells me what he likes)I bet they loudly agreed to come back later, and ended up buying a cheap pair of knockoffs from somewhere.

*Dulce* said...

how do you find the time to write such long, articulate and thoughtful posts AND reply to every comment commented ever!

Alpha Za said...

@ Haya: haha, thanks for the compliment. I think being fake has become an art form, the college girls being a prime lame example.

@ Ghausia: Haha, I wouldn't bet against running into you there.

they have their tactics sorted. Poor shop walla, must hate their guts.

@ Dulce: Thanks, um, complicated series of questions, some of which may justify a future redundancy. haha, just kidding.

I write primarily to destress, so it's not exactly a whole lot of serious effort, I genuinely do enjoy writing, so I often cram in a few paragraphs when I'm taking a break from an excel spreadsheet.

I guess I've always thought it courteous to respond to people commenting on my personal blog, after all, it is at best a crack pot piece of insanity and musings, even if it's articulate and thoughtful.

Madame DeFarge said...

Love it. There are fakeroids everywhere and we should root them out and remove immediately!

Alpha Za said...

@ Madame DeFarge: Completely agree. Well put!

Roshni said...

dudee...hard hitting's the word.

Alice X said...

hey thanks for stopping by my blog. This was a very amusing read! I swear half the world seems to think that carrying a Starbucks cup equates to being "fashionable.," and don't even get me started on people who wear sunglasses indorrs!

Alice X
http://theboyfrienddrama.blogspot.com/

secret.whispers said...

i definitely LOL'd. Being a karachiite..i feel your pain. espresso is pretty kick ass. except it's amazingly over priced and has mediocre coffee "/

Alpha Za said...

@ Roshni: Thanks dude. Hard Hitting pseudo news. Holla!

@ Alice X: My pleasure, thanks for taking the time to comment. Glad you enjoyed the blog!

I've seen people walk around with empty starbucks paper cups. beat that.

@ Secret Whispers: Haha, thanks, glad you enjoyed the piece. I must refrain from mocking espresso, I'm fairly certain my family's consumption of their products over the years has paid for their rent, expansion and new Straws.

Ghausia said...

WOOHOO mission successful! Headed to Forum today for Halloween shopping, there is nothing good at Teens n Kids btw, all the good shit always comes AFTER Halloween, but I picked up coffee at Espresso. Oh and I am very amused by the fact that people always tell you what you're ordering, like at Carlton, when I was there for the Lit Fest, the polite lady serving me told me that I was ordering a shot of coffee without milk, and today, the Espresso dude kindly informed me exactly what a macchiato was. No shit Gandalf, do I have to be wearing jeans and a tshirt to qualify as someone who knows their coffee? Honestly!

I am so fucking wired right now, should've stuck to my usual vanilla latte. My hyperness is beginning to annoy even me. This is all YOUR fault you know. Now I have to go bounce. A lot.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Congratulations. I'm obviously disappointed that Teen n Kids, has nothing Halloween appropriate. All the good shit comes after halloween because all the big retailer ship them to 3rd world countries because the holiday has past. It's economics :(

I think you'd qualify if you wore a skirt or a sarong.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Make sure you don't bounce into anything....alot. ;)

Ghausia said...

I don't sense much sincerity in your disappointment. :( The only other option is Funny Man which is too expensive, specially since its just something I'm doing to please my nephew. (And you care becaaaause...:D)

lol I have NEVER seen anyone at Forum in a skirt or sarong. And I go there quite a bit since I'm a total mall rat. :D

I bounced my way through a rantish blog that I'll regret in the morning. Thanks a lot. Is this any way to treat your biggest fangirl. :(

secret.whispers said...

hahahaha i totally get where you're coming from. i just visited pakistan this summer. i swear every time we wanted coffee off to espresso we'd go!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I'd like to go on the record, and express heart felt sincerity that I am disappointed.

You are a good Aunt. I care because I'm a fantastic chap. I recall being awesome.

Haha, I actually have seen such well dressed vat of pretentiousness. though I spend most of my Espresso time at Shahbaz espresso since it's so close to my house.

I can not compete with your Mall Rat-iness.

I do apologize for your excessive bouncing, I must remember to treat my biggest fangirl better. Consider your next Vanilla Latte on me.

@ secret.whispers: haha, well Coffee does equate to Espresso here in Karachi. It's actually quite sad. I actually think the staff notices when we don't come in for a while. The sad fact is that there are a lot of places with awesome coffee in khi, we're just addicted to Espresso.

Ghausia said...

Ewww you have? I don't know why I never come across such characters, my life is so dull compared to yours. :(

Oh how ironic, I always go to the Shahbaz one too cause its nearer to my house! Creeeepy. First you went to school with my bhabi-to-be, then you go to the same Espresso as me. Although I don't go there as often as you do, because I can brew a mean cup myself and plus, toooo expensive. Its the same reason I'm not getting cupcakes from Cupcake(s) By Cookie anymore, spending that much money on food when people are starving makes me feel bad. And then my dad reminds me of the fact which makes me feel worse. So I don't get as much Espresso as I want. :(

Although you're a total junkie so I'm glad I don't. :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Maybe craziness is just attracted to me like a magnet. Or it could be that I actually do go to Espresso with people already wearing Sarongs and Skirts. Just a guess.

Considering that they are only 3 espresso's in the Defence/Clifton area, it comes down to statistics and probability.

We're cheating on Espresso as well....we got a Coffee Maker, which makes brilliant coffee in spite of that fact that two boys use it.

You need to get your Dad addicted to Espresso, all will be well.

That lost comment could be construed as hurtful if I didn't know you were my biggest 'Total Fangirl' coupled with my inherent awesome humbleness. Hence, all is forgiven.

Ghausia said...

EEP embarrassing. No fair, you can't call it pretentiousness if its people you hang out with. Whatever dude, I'm going to raise an eyebrow at skirts so there. *pouts*

My mom won't let me get a coffeemaker because I already drink more than I should, doesn't it ever make you sick? If I drink too much, either my skin gets affected, or mty stomach does, I stop getting hungry and shit which is baaad.

Well, it could be statistics and probability, but how is that the dude whose blog I just happened to read despite my misgivings ALSO happens to be the dude who went to school with my bhabi and ALSO is an Espresso freak AND goes to the same one I do! Too much of a coinkydink!

Hey, I detect a pattern here. So I can get away with saying anything since I'm your biggest fangirl eh? Interesting... :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Have you considered the idea that I'm pretentious. HA>HA! You did not! I'm not, but still.

Why is Pakistan so anti-skirts? I mean, it's cool when little kids wear it.

Um, I wasn't aware of those side effects. perhaps my system is both immune and bad ass. I think it makes me sick when I haven't slept in about 30 odd hours and I'm relying on caffeine to keep going.

Law of Averages: Everything is Possible.

Not anything, you've exceeded your current quota, and you're getting very strong competition from a fellow blogger who insists on sending fully fledged cakes to my house. Some stay stalkerish, but I say, What up World!

Ghausia said...

Nope, you just came across as a typical guy, the kind most people hate because they think he's an obnoxious twat, and the kind I find hilarious because they are lol. See, this is why I'm an awesome fangirl.

Kids don't have curves and long legs for people to gawp at. It ain't decent yo. Personally, I don't have any issue with jeans, capris etc. cause they're a) pretty and b) hey at least you're covered more or less.

I think maybe girls are affected by this more. I swear all my girlfriends complain of zits and stomach problems and shit, but the guys keep downing their black coffee with smug satisfaction. The bastards. Your species sucks.

Wooow with you, I don't even know if you're serious or not but if you are, O_o. Sob, no one sends me cupcakes even. Hmm, cupcakes...

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Haha, ouch, but thanks.

So, we should mandate it for women without curves....and an exception for guys who want to wear scottish Kilts.

Girl's have a tendency to complain more. Just today, a blogger posted about how she has nightmares about being fat. Not a sentiment a dude expresses.

I'm not serious, I just believe in setting high standards.

Pesto Sauce said...

World is getting denser with fakes

I like the snaps used in this post

Ghausia said...

lol dude, obnoxious twats are the most fun guys, who wants to hang with a dull bore. :P

Women always have curves, its why they're women and not girls/teens, duuuh. And for God's sake, lets stay away from kilts. The horror!

Sigh. She has nightmares about being fat, I live the nightmare lol but you don't see me blogging about it.

Are you trying to drop hints that I should start sending over cakes to you? :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Pesto: Fakes are such a drag.

Thanks man.

@ Ghausia: I dunno, sensible people, who can't stand being around super awesome people.

Women do have curves. I might have accidentally come across them as I was herding my goats one find summer day.

Kilts are awesome. Man Skirts!

Haha, all women think they are fat. It's some genetic impairment.

I wouldn't oppose a steady series of cakes. I'm magnanimous like that.

Ghausia said...

Ooohh do the goats have names? :D

Kilts are horrible for a very simple reason; LEG HAIR. If a man wants to wear a skirt, well, I won't stop the dude but for God's sake, must he do it with such awful legs? Bleeeurgh. Think about it, you really want to see a fat chick in a skirt, or a hot chick with hairy legs?

I refer to a certain category of women as "fricking skinny bitches". You know, the idiots with a 25 inch waist whining about how they need to lose weight. Grr.

Trying to extract bribes from me, tsk tsk. And talking to you is a baad inflence; I'm already considering picking up a latte after class tomorrow, since I only have one from 8:30-9:30. Yay, Thursdays!

Thinking said...

hmm....I hope I don't fall in the category...

Well...its an eye opener so I will look about me...any brand if I carry all the time with me is my Troops College Bag...which is the courtesy of my sister...

Yeah...I have much better things to do than to just think about or working to get the BRAND...

hmm...nice post though.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: We don't give them names, that'd be inhumane. Besides, how would you like having 'Bhangra Bob' for dinner?

Leg Hair is manly. Manly is awesome. Therefore Leg Hair is Awesome for men.

If I'd have to choose, I'd pick the hot chick the hairy legs, after all, that problem is easily remedied.

Aah, those people. It's sad.

I wouldn't refer to them as bribes. I would categorize them as tokens of appreciation given out of Fangirlness.

A one hour class? What BS! Enjoy your Latte. I'm Jealous.

@ Thinking: Thanks for commenting. I think the most awful aspect of this piece is, that we all have the capacity, and maybe even in some cases are guilty of it.

Ghausia said...

You ate Bhangra Bob? How could you?! BOOHOO!

I'm sure leg hair is awesomely manly. As long as we don't have to see it.

You shallow bastard you. Fat girls have a good heart instead of being prissy like stuckup skinny bitches. Hrmph.

Ah, very clever. You'd make a great politician, covering up bribes so smoothly lol.

Sob. It was a 2 hour class. It was awful Murtaza, awful! It probably made baby Jesus cry too. And the teacher is on my case for some reason. And hey, I have three hour classes most of the time, thus my love for Thursdays. 8-4 classes are no laughing matter. Besides, you work, at least you're not a penniless student like me (With access to mom's purse/stash 24/7 of course)

Mariam said...

Wonderful post. Fakeroids k sath kuch zada hi kerdi hai aapne : D

Kher, I am glad that I am not one of them, and like the other mariam, i dont own shades :P

Pares and Areamani looks really coooollll :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Don't worry, Bhangra Bob died for a good cause. Mine.

How else can we prove our manliness? Fighting and gunda bazi seems frowned upon....unless you're a politician, then it's kinda a requirement.

Who said anything about Fat girl's having a bad heart? They also have great personalities.

haha, I'd be an excellent politician. I'd run on a campaign of KFC Zingers for everyone!

Aw making Baby Jesus cry is bad, he's such a cute little baby, one that talks infact. That's a pretty decent sched though. As for the payoff, you'll be working soon enough, trust me, you'll miss school....and your Mommy purse!

Cheer up, there is more to life than spending the money you earn...I think. besides, we were all penniless students once. I worked 3 jobs in college at a time!

@ Mariam: Haha, thanks for commenting. I assure you, you're not one of them. The shades being the obvious evidence.

Pares and Areamani is really cool indeed! Tobacco also comes from Timbuktwo

Ghausia said...

Poor Bhangra Bob. At least he's in animal heaven now. Sob.

Fighting, I don't frown upon as long as its just fistcuffs. I've been held back by friends from charging into possible altercations at uni more times than i can count lol. They never actually do fight, so my goal is to jostle them into actually throwing punches. They call me a fasadi for a reason lol.

Heeeey they've got good personalities, a kind heart, AND they're pretty too. Sob.

Zingers and Espresso. The poseurs pooh-pooh junk food don't you know. Okay fine, I pooh-pooh junk food, okay.

Yep, its not bad, my batchmates have had class till 5 or 6 each day. My mommy purse is awesome. Its great for when papa doesn't understand how I can blow 2100 just on shampoo, conditioner, and hair serum. (Hint; I use Toni&Guy. 'Nuff said.)

Oh I am cheered up, I never have to strugglle with expenses lol. Which sucks cause I should be more dependant, but whatever.

And hey, I remember reading somewhere that you had some kind of swanky job that has something to do with numbers. See, that's good karma for when you worked hard.

Also, I just noticed that you changed your tagline. I'm so sad. :(

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: By Animal Heaven, I hope you mean decomposing in the Nala....um...sob?

Women fighting is awesome. The Bro code teaches us 'Thou Shalt interfere in the affairs of the wars of women, if anything supply jello'.

Are you seriously asking me to make a judgement call on all fat girls? fine, Doth bequeath all fat girls, the titles of good personalities, good of heart and comely looks. Restriction on bikini privileges to continue. Adjourned.

The posuers don't matter. If they give me trouble, I'll send them off to find Parsi's in Pares.

Um, yeah. Expensive tastes. You better get a really good job. I hope you meant 'independent'.

I used to have fridays off entirely in college....no class before 1pm. best semester ever.

Haha, Swanky job with numbers, sure. Let's call it that.

Im changing it again.....soon....muhahahah

Anonymous said...

Sniffle. Nooo he's in animal heaven where there's lots of grass and the whole world is one infinite petting zoo without people wanting to eat him. Sob.

Women fighting is lame because its mostly hair-pulling/screaming/pinching which sucks. I mean, grow a pair girls and throw a punch for God's sake!

Comely looks lol.

But the poseurs are the ones that will vote for you! The cool dude who talks about Pares and Aremani! You need them dude!

Oh lord yes, that's what I meant, I'm so embarrassed. Major typo, I was very tired. But my shampoo lasts me two months and my hair serum a lot longer and plus, shampoos always cost around this much. Besides, there is a price to looking good you know!

And plus I'm a writer which lets face, doesn't really pay much. So I'll just marry rich. :D

Heh I like this one. The old one was lame. The hot elitist satire was fun.

Alpha Za said...

@ Anon AKA Ghausia: Um.... Sure, Animal Heaven. The kind with vegetarians...or people allergic to goat meat.

It's the slapping and ripping of clothing that we're cool with.

I need everyone. Besides, would the poseurs really stand in line to vote in the Pakistani Heat? I think not.

Typos happen, don't worry....then again, Check the shampoo bottle for possible side effects...you never know...and knowledge is power!

Actually writers can make decent money, it just depends on how good you are...at both writing and office politics. Marrying rich is always a good plan!

I'm glad that my headers meet your approval ;)

Ghausia said...

Whatever dude, you ate Bhangra Bob. You suck.

True, but that's why you'd have a speshul indoor AC'd voting area for them.

Don't blame the shampoo, blame it on the teacher that managed to drive me insane in just two hours. The. Horror.

Eh, I'm stubborn and refuse to compromise. Plus, I wanna marry a doctor since I wish I had gone into medicine now, plus, dude, have you SEEN the people in medical? Why the hell are they so gorgeous?!

oh and I was too lazy to post again confirming it was me. I figured you'd get it. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: hmmm...we probably could make that work for Defense. VIP voting.

I think that teacher is obviously quite talented. Maybe become a therapist.

I think you've been watching too much Grey Anatomy, Scrubs etc

I'm insightful like that ;)

Ghausia said...

Defense? In my experience, all the poseurs come from a different district but want to be 'k3wl' like the DHA residents. :D

Duuuude that teacher, such a dull bore, plus he keeps trying to turn me towards the path of righteousness or something. He thinks I'm an atheist. None of my indignant protests work on the guy. He goes, "How is it possible that something was created out of nothing?" And I was like,w ell duh obviously, God made them and the poor guy just got confused. Which, okay mildly fun but still.

I do not watch Grey's because if I wanted that much drama I'd watch Star Plus. I have friends in medical, and they have their friends, and their friends are all very beautiful and gorgeous and I am very upset that I'm not in medical, although considering how hot their guy friends are, that kind of male crowd wouldn't look twice at me lol but still. A girl can only dream. Sob.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Fair point. Maybe I just wanted an AC'd room for when I go and vote.

Give him a particle physics book, and ask him to figure it out. Boring people suck. evolution isn't doing it's job.

The only reason they are good lucky is because of the easy access to Plastic surgery....and copious amounts of makeup. Dream on!

Ghausia said...

I think that's why our generation, well mine you're decades older than me, but its why my people don't vote. We're the brat generation, we refuse to be without our ACs!

The worse part is, its a 2 hour session, I have one tomorrow as well. I am SO picking up a latte on my way to uni. Thanks a lot for enabling me.

The fake doctors on TV have plastic surgery, the real med students here not so much. Plus as a girl I can tell you that makeup can enhance beauty, or hide the fact that you had a rough night, but it can NOT make you look pretty. Its not magic after all. Plus, dudes don't wear makeup (much) thus the med school dudes are naturally hot and you are just jealous cause you're not a med student lol.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: haha, decades indeed.

I'm an enabler. hoot hoot!

Aah, the jealousy runs deep. As a man, I can tell you that we have no idea how much work you put into this sort of stuff. But thanks anyway.

I'm hot, and yet not a med student. I live the best of both worlds.

Ghausia said...

You do realize that being an enabler is a BAD thing right? :D

Makeup is hard man. I don't take too long to get dressed, it just takes me a long time to make myself look presentable lol.

You can never be as hot as a med student, so no, you're not. HAH!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I know no such thing. Besides, I'm oddly okay with it.

We are all as God made us...or something like that. that's why I think Mission Impossible style masks work best.

I beg to differ. The Facts speak for themselves.

Ghausia said...

You are SO going to hell. :D I'm cheating, I scored a bottle of French Vanilla creamer from Ami's on a grocery run, helloooo home-made coffee!

Ohhh, having a big ego is bad don't you know. But I understand how its a defense mechanism because you know how hot med students are. Plus, you're decades older, so age doesn't contribute to good looks. (Unless you're Sean Connery or the old dude from that Brad Pitt spy flick.)

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I'm not going to hell, not if my Mother's prayers have anything to do about it.

HA! I bought a French Cow. It also serves the dual purpose of being handy during Eid...Beat that.

People keep telling me I have a big ego, and whilst I can hardly object to their views, I must point out that I merely have high expectations for myself.

I hope you realize that I went to school with your bhaabi. Do the math.

Ghausia said...

Ah yes, a mother's prayers. They're what allow us to live our heretical hedonistic lifestyles without any worry about the afterlife.

Are you saying you're going to slaughter Pierre for Eid? You can't do that! Its PIERRE!

Oh, I remember that, I labour under the assumption that you flunked about ten times, thus very very old. Lalalala.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Indeed, All hail Mummy's Prayers!

Pierre will be delicious. Don't worry, he won't know what hit him.

Haha, I think you be overdoing your prescribed meds ....All of my split personalities agree ;)

Ghausia said...

But Pierre loves you! how can you betray his trust in such a cruel manner?!

The man with the split personalities thinks I'm on medication, am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? :D

Oh btw, I am much amused by a comment on your ET blog asking you to change your hiphop pic. I giggled.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Pierre is prepared to sacrifice. Such is his devotion. I will gain sustenance from him, and he'll be a part of me forever. it's what he wants? how can I deny him such an honor?

LALALALALA I take my skittle everday...LALALALA

What ET Blog?

Ghausia said...

If forever means the time between you eating him and shitting him out, then okay, pardon the crassness of that statement, but its true. :D

I do not like Skittles. Too sour. I like Maltesers! Hey, don't be trampling on my right to lalala.

Hah I forgot that you work, and thus have no life. :D Its that 'the government is stupid' one, an old one really I think you must have sent it in a while back. lol. Hiphop pic. Honestly, people get so personal there!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Forever is Forever.

Skittles are awesome, as are maltesers.

I was considering making a comment that as a woman in pakistan you have minimal social rights, but I won't because that would be rude. And I strive to be damn nice. Lalala away.

haha, I saw it, apparently suits equate to hip hop. delusionality extreme.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Forever is Forever.

Skittles are awesome, as are maltesers.

I was considering making a comment that as a woman in pakistan you have minimal social rights, but I won't because that would be rude. And I strive to be damn nice. Lalala away.

haha, I saw it, apparently suits equate to hip hop. delusionality extreme.

Ghausia said...

But its hard to get decent Maltesers anymore, so I've quit, plus, I have an obsession with peanut MnMs and Oreos, they're my exam munchies.

I think its the pose, its not hiphop but its not you smiling cheesily into the camera, thus, hiphop I suppose. Personally, I found it amusing, I think that was what made me read your blog the very first time, cause I figured, okay a pic like that, this has to be interesting. I don't like my pic up there. It was the only pic I had lying around damnit. Sob.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I hate to make you jealous (I lie), but I have a supply of more than decent Maltesers.

I personally abhor peanuts. Im sure the peanut farmer appreciates your exam consumption.

It's all about the pose, and I like mine. Some people are just odd.

Ghausia said...

Where are you getting them from?! All the ones I get have too much caramel for some reason!

How can you not like peanuts? Retard. But Oreos, what about the Oreos?! I make a mean Oreo shake.

haha the pose works for you, I'd totally mock you if it didn't, but it works because its very you. It wouldn't work on say, a wannabe fakeroid, which you're not. Wow, so this is why guys think I'm sweet, because I'm so generous with the compliments. :D I call it being honest. And hey, any pic which isn't a closeup of you beaming like an idiot is a good pic.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Saudi Arabia. They strike the perfect balance.

I love Oreos, but I resolutely hate all things peanut butter.

Thanks, I'll be sure to let the legion of fakeroids know. Maybe they have a fb group you can make for them?

haha, thank you for the compliments, they are both individually and cumulatively quite humbling.

Ghausia said...

Was Saudi Arabia the one that came up with the breastmilk fatwa, cause if so, ewwww how can you eat them? I got my Maltesers from everywhere, Ebco, Bombay Store, Naheed, Agha's, same caramel crap everywhere. And that's bad for the teeth.

Oh we agree on that point at least, what the hell is the point of peanut butter anyway? Why not just use some herbed garlic butter? (I can make that on my own you know. :D)

The FB group zing is noted, appreciated, and briefly felt hurt about lol.

Funny, that's the reply every dude I'm nice to gives me...right after I buy him lunch for the sixth day in a row...

Ohhh, funny side note, the word verification for posting this comment is 'prasonal' which sounds like a fakeroid's version of 'personal'. Giggle.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Hopefully not everything in Saudia Arabia is made via breast milk. Though it may explain why Al-Baik's Mayo sauce is so tasty.

I recommend excessive brushing.

You are obviously talented, I can cook, but no way I can make my own spice rack from raw ingredients.

Aw, I didn't mean to hurt you in my zing, perhaps to make you smile in appreciation.

I think it works the other way around, a guy is supposed to buy you lunch 6 days in a row, and after that you can acknowledge his existence. then again, maybe the lunch you buy them is rather spectacular. It humbles the soul...and it's taste buds.

haha, parsonal that is funny.

Ghausia said...

Oh dude, the mayo thing just isn't funny after finding out about that fatwa. Ewwww.

Well to be fair, I can't make butter, I can just mush it up, throw in random ingredients, wrap it in plastic and refreeze. See, so many girls think boys cooking is unmanly. It just makes them resourceful. After seeing the mess my elder brother makes just making himself tea, I have greater appreciation for men that can cook. (The poor bhabi doesn't know what she's getting into).

Oh yes, it is supposed to work the other way. Not when you're a stupid girl who's so insecure that just having someone be nice to her reels her in, hook, line, and sinker. To be fair, only one dude's been beghairat enough to get me to buy him lunch, and he was quite charming and cute, I have a hard time saying no to people. I like being nice damnit!

And the parsonal popped up on the fakeroid blog too. Coincidence? I think not! The stars are aligning dude. Just typing that made me laugh. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Haha, I guess that was a step too far.

I'm sure your future Bhaabi is well aware of the situation she is getting herself into; not all men are born equal in the kitchen.

The Garlic Herb Butter is still impressive.

Haha, I think you may be taking Jim Carrey's Yes Man role to heart. But that dude is pretty beghairat, I say you swipe his wallet and help him pay you back for your generosity.

Fate has a funny way of amusing itself. Parsonal Zindabad!

Ghausia said...

I don't know how you could eat your Maltesers after that one now. The horror.

I skipped my Thursday morning Espresso break today. :( I was pissed off at my course co-ordinator and just wanted to go home. Sob.

Aw shucks, the butter is nothing. I did make pretty kickass bhindi at eleven in the night last night, and it was kickass despite the fact that I a) Had no idea how to slice onions because the maid does that normally and b) Accidentally ended up burning the onion. Still awesome bhindis though. You may bow.

lol yes he is a pretty beghairat dude and funny part is, I kinda can't stand him now cause he's extremely preachy, plus he moved to somewhere in Punjab anyway. I bet his wallet would've been empty if I swiped it. My girlfriends are nice though, they feed me. :D

See, you're coming around to my theory of fate doing all this, and not just coincidence. Booyeah! Victory!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I am a man of fortitude. And I tend to forget.

that blows, I'd like to point out that the good people at Espresso deliver.

Bowing Madame Superman.

The friends that feed you are the best kind. Well, I'm sure Mr. Beghairat certainly thinks so! Fret not, if he ever comes back to Khi, you can swipe his wallet and sell his kidney.

haha, sure. Let's go with that.

Ghausia said...

Oh but its no use gettinf it delivered, the charm lies in going there, getting it made, contemplating getting a cookie or maybe cake, shaking oodles of chocolae and cinammon in it, and so on and so forth. Stupid incompetent course co-ordinator. :(

Hah, if he comes back here he wouldn't dream of hanging out with the likes of me unless food is offered! Sell his kidney, heh, that reminded me of Charlie the unicorn. I wonder if the beghairat is dumb enough to believe that candy mountain is real...

The stars are aligning dude. Its written in the stars. The fates have written our paths. That's about all the deep shit I can manage. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: haha, fair enough. You are high maintenance.

Why don't you ask the lad and find out?

haha, deep shit indeed.