Monday, January 11, 2010

The Beggarazzi

Anyone who has visited Pakistan (or any developing country for that matter) can't help but notice the multitude of beggars, whilst it would  be callous to think of every beggar as a professional beggar, drug addict, mentally ill, we grow tired of their constant prodding on every side walk, at every traffic light bugging people for money. 

Sometimes we acquiesce, sometimes we ignore them and sometimes we have the urge to cuss them out (rarely do we, as it would entail lowering the windows of our air conditioned cars and no one wants to waste cool air, its bad for the environment). 

But I think we should try to look at it slightly more constructively and find an awesome solution. None of the lame, pay the kids to go to school, or give food hand outs, or make the govt. give them jobs. Everyone has tried, yet it hasn't work. So I have come up with a uniquely awesome solution.  

I think of them as the Beggarazzi, as they tend to swarm and follow you at the slightest sign of weakness, which is what gave me my latest brain storm. 

Turn the Beggarazzi into Paparazzi. Yes, I am serious. Think about it, they have all the qualities to be successful.

1. They are masters are making people look at them with pity, even targeting people's sympathies, promise to pray for their fertility for a few rupees. (I'm not sure how God would feel about someone being paid for praying).

2. They have extremely well rehearsed lines that arouse a sense of humanity in the worst of us. They will have no problem in sticking to a script and eliciting responses/gather attention. 

3. Inconspicuous....when is the last time you remember what your local beggars wore? Whatever actual color the clothing was is now hidden by dirt and grime, they also have the scary ability to blend in with their surroundings....perfect for stalking a would be celeb. 

4. Completely thick skinned. They don't mind being despised by their bread and butter. The international Paparazzi all have one thing in common. Everyone hates them, (well except for publisher and editors). No one wants to associate with them, share a meal with them, and want nothing better than to have them out of their daily lives....sound familiar? 

5. They will have no problem working on commission, which means that they will be super effective to point of being willing to kill others to get the job done. Get'er done and they will with $$$ signs in their eyes and smiles all the way to the bank (though they may prefer cash).

6. When Celebs see these dirt poor people with camera's they can't help but feel sorry for them. After all, what celeb would (with cameras present) cuss out a poor destitute struggling to make ends meet. Traditional vile Paparazzi yes, no one likes them, but the Beggarazzi, would have their sympathy.  

Oh and we can get the Beggarazzi "Feed the Beggar" tee shirts, have a group of Bleeding Heart Volunteers drop off and give them lunch, so that they don't go hungry (while there on a stake out). It'll alleviate the bleeding hearts club because they can't stand to see others go hungry especially when in comparison you feel like a bastions of privileged.

7. They are Hungry....for success....well in all likely hood they are probably physically hungry too. So it's something they are used to. At least this way they have an avenue with which to make money and not annoying common folk (you celeb folk are screwed btw). 

Now I can see why some members of the Bleeding Hearts Club might see this at cruel and exploitative, and the current Paparazzi mish mash might feel a little territorial and go into a deep discussion about the merits of their craft and the skills and composition that goes into a good photograph and how beggars are unsuited for it. Fortunately, I have prepared some fairly simple responses. 

Dear poorly satisfied (yes I went there, some people just need to get laid) Bleeding Hearts: Please explain to me why it's not better that for beggars and destitutes to earn an honest wage, rather than live off others' meagre generosity. 

Lets not kid ourselves, they rarely give them enough money to buy anything other than cheap candy; and please don't make the ridiculous argument that so many people give them money that they earn a decent amount because it's insulting, you try living like that. 

This way they are able to live with dignity, I'm not saying that they'll be particularly well loved, but it's not like they were adored to start with. This way they can afford to feed their families and have a realistic dream for a better life, as well as a real future.

Dear Paparazzi: Digital camera's do all of that composition, light and angle crap automatically .....Your fucked. Even if they didn't your Editors care more about the content of the picture rather than the professional quality (assuming a basic level can be reached via digital cameras). Besides, cellular camera photo's go for egregious amounts of money. 

When you see a picture of Tiger Woods making out with Jude Law, your less concerned with the perfection of the shot, rather than the fact that two of world's biggest womanizers are making out. Sorry to bust your ego's about how your all artists, well your not. Your jobs are to chase people with cameras and I'll bet that the Beggarazzi can do a way better job than you can. 

It's a whole new world. Deal with it. However, in case life becomes too tough in the face of the severe competition there is always a begging spot open on 'Get the F**k Away from Me" Blvd.  

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