The Mind of a Cow

Why I Wrote This:

During my senior year of college, whilst taking a quiz in a newspaper, my room mate answered a question on which animal he'd like to be the most, he answered, 'a cow, because they seem so relaxed'. At the time, I could help barreling with laughter, but having put more thought into it, I can't help but think... that bugger was right. Cows do have it good. Now many may question my sanity as they chomp into their steak sandwiches but bear with me.

Try to see things from a cows perspective.....here is what I came up with. 

Cows Have 'Hefty' Goals: Eating is fun, Eating is a sport, Must get fatter. God will reward me for being really fat...maybe he'll set me up with even more stomachs (the 4 I have are inadequate). In fact, there is no such thing as a fat cow, I'm just a big hunk of cow loving. My goal in life isn't just to be fat, it's to be the provider of the best milk and tastiest steak ever.... or to move to India and be worshiped....then again the food sucks there. 

Communication Stamina: We've been playing Chinese whisper for generations....in fact we aren't sure when it's going to end, but I'm still hopeful because I really want some of those sugar cubes those horses seem to be getting...the word is Moo....maybe they are trying to say moove?

Kinky Animal Syndrome: The fatter I get, the more likely that I'll be used to continue the genetic line...even if that mean's being knocked up by that manly mechanical bull....he goes on forever. Being limited to those organic rodeo bulls it a drag, they just keep talking about how they bucked some human off. Yeah, like that human isn't going to get his revenge by cooking him over a spit and using his head as an ashtray whilst his horns are mounted on the wall....freaking idiot. 

Body Art: Tattoos rock! We all get tramp stamps. Though it hurts getting singed with them in the first place, but whatever, it looks so freaking cute and it's so easy to forget the pain when your get high! Damn, I look hot. All the cows moo at me!!!....damn lesbo's

Education: Don't expend too much time thinking, it'll lessen the quality of your brain gravy and no one wants that. Once you learn how to eat....well, thats all the education that you'll ever need. 

Fitness Fortune: Exercise is bad, being fat is awesomely attractive, all of the Bulls say so, then again they keep getting on and trying to make us buck them off, but the thing is that we're too lazy. No we don't care that they slept with our sister, that bitch is skinny. 

Food for Thought: No such thing as over eating. In fact every meal is a competition to see who can eat the most, the winner receives a nice pat on the hind quarters (which is handy as it gets rid of the flies that the tail missed). Besides, our diet of grass, hay and genetically modified weird stuff is pretty much what human fashion models eat. 

Memory Bonus: Short term memory is an excellent asset, you can keep forgetting other cows and not miss them when they are gone. 

Path to the After life: The slaughter house is actually cow heaven, who ever goes in there takes the meat packing truck to heaven. wow...talk about first class service...you don't even have to walk to heaven.  

Sun Bathing: One of the best things about being a cow, is that you get to spend lots of time in the sun and work on your tan....and you don't have to worry about skin cancer! Take that silly humans!

Lazy is our Life: Being lazy is a good quality, infact cows are so lazy, we don't even need a television to zone out. Walking is overrated, running is just sinful. A running cow is one that's been eating too much 'weed'. To fair, getting high is fun, the wave of munchies are AWESOME.

Musically Inclined: Studies have shown that Classical music makes us cows produce more milk, which is why we take great pains to moo at each other in melody, but unfortunately we are no Bach or Beethoven. However, we kick ass at cowbell. 

Efficient Sleepers: We sleep standing up, because it's too much effort lying down, on average a cow will lay down and stand up 14 times aday, but it's usually because the eat all the food around us or there is a particulary gorgeous grade A hunk of grass laying around just waiting to be ravished....sure beats watching that machine procreate with her.  

Excellent Health: No diseases ever recorded....except for this pesky 'Mad Cow' thing...you want to see a mad cow, go to Spain, those Matador Bulls are INSANE!...yet so hot. 

Perpetual Parental Approval: We can hookup with anyone we want without having our parents judge us....speaking of which, where the hell is Mom....Dad....Aunt Bertha?

Shit is Fun, and We Do Fun Shit: We have fulfilling lives, every day we compete to see who can produce the most manure...then we tell the youngest Calf that we hid easter bunny eggs in them....damn we're mean...

Poor humans and all of their 'constipations', I bet they get jealous of all of our glorious piles of shit. Oddly enough they even collect them, maybe they burn it because they feel so inadequate...SUCKS TO BE YOU! Hoove fives everyone. 

We also like crapping, sitting on it, and trying to make the horses other lick it! Or sometimes we'll taking our smeared excretion covered booties and sit on the chickens while they are laying their eggs....haha take that you shitty chickens. 

The Big Idea:

We may all be God's creatures, but cows don't get as big raw deal as we think. Obviously we ought to treat them with respect, but considering how poorly we treat other people, is it really all that surprising the way we treat animals? Cows Rock...I love Steak.