World's Craziest Fatwas

I WILL BECOME LEGENDARY!

Some people have crazy traditions, like wearing the equivalent to skirts in the wet damp UK weather (Scots), getting married multiple times (Mormons), Having Celibate preachers (Catholics), and in Islam, well, we get crazy fatwas or the legal equivalent to Supreme Court decisions....supported by the might of a fundamentalist Army. In fact, we get these sometimes odd, mostly bemusing and utterly embarrassing religious dictation all the time and sadly, it's usually not a random bearded chap screaming for attention in Mozambique.

It's some rather well respected fellow with a prestigious sounding title. Like Grand "Boom Boom Wappa Wappa" Advisor to his Royal "but not Cooler or higher than God" Highness for Sanitary Affairs; Hence your chief hand washing and cleansing fatwa expert is born. 

So, when I found this list of utterly ridiculous excuses for religious doctrine, I realized that the only way I can make myself feel better is by sharing them and enfusing them with my own brand of.... sardonic dastardliness.

Well...I'd need to recalculate all of my Frequent Flier Miles

The Fatwa: Grand Mufti Sheikh Ibn Baaz: The Earth is Islamically Flat oh and the Sun Revolves Around the Earth

In a 2000 Fatwa titled “The Transmitted and Sensory Proofs of the Rotation of the Sun and Stillness of the Earth”, Saudi Arabian Grand 'Slam" Mufti Sheikh Ibn (I've been Baadz) Baaz asserted that the earth was flat and disk-like and that the sun revolved around it. He had insisted that satellite images to the contrary were nothing but a Western conspiracy against the Islamic world. He also believes the Columbus officially fell off the face of the earth and that Queen Isabella drafted in his twin to ensure that she didn't become the laughing stock of the flat world.

Verdict:I couldn't agree more, generations of young Muslims looking to avoid astronomy and astro physics classes can thank you. Now, I wonder if I'm allowed to use Google Earth?

Source: Al-Ahram Weekly Issue 477, 13-19 April, 2000

Rushdie showing off his arm candy; Padma Lakshmi

The Fatwa: Ayatollah Khomeini: Kill for A Book None of Us Can Should Read!

In 1988, publication of Salman Rushdie’s novel “The Satanic Verses” led Iranian revolutionary leader Ayatollah Khomeini to issue a fatwa against Rushdie, with a huge bounty for his death. This triggered several attacks on the novel’s translators, publishers and booksellers, including the murder of a Japanese translator. Millions of Muslims around the world who had never read a single line of the book, and who had never even met Rushdie before allegedly wanted him dead. The Society for the Prevention of Un Islamic writing claimed that the book was a conspiracy by the Hindu God Jabba the Charpai

Verdict: It's a terrible book, awful overreaching prose, crack pot ideas and did I mention how awful the writing was? Khomeini did us a favor. oh, I've met Rushdie: I could have been ignoring the words coming out from his mouth, but I'm sure that he essentially agreed with my evaluation of his work, funny guy btw. In terms of insulting to Islam; Dante's inferno is alot worse. 

Source: “The West Is Choked by Fear”, Der Speigel Jan 4, 2010, Henryk Broder

Please buy our clothes. It's Halal...We Promise.

The Fatwa: Malaysian National Fatwa Council: Tomboy fatwa

A University of Massachusetts study reported that girls who play sports have higher self esteem (duh, so would mine if I was better at say giving birth than a woman), and are less likely to enter (or remain in) abusive relationships. The guardians of Malaysia National Fatwa Council were obviously compelled to act!. Kuala Lumpur had a near riot when the Sisters in Islam marched against a Malaysian fatwa banning tomboys, which branded any girls who act un-ladylike as violating Islamic tenets; Obviously unemployment is a severe issue in the nation of Malaysia. Fortunately, the as-yet undefined punishment for Malaysian girls in t-shirts and jeans hasn’t been incorporated into Sharia law yet.

Verdict: Epic Fail. This was a pro skirt rally I tell you! Besides, in a perfect world, wouldn't all girls be lady like? (and gorgeous).  Can't you rent protesters in Malaysia? oh wait, that's Indonesia; oddly enough the worlds largest Muslim nation.

The Fatwa: Muhammad Al-Munajid: Bring Me the Head of Mickey Mouse

That’s right, somebody put on hit on Mickey Mouse. Calling Mickey “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid decreed that household mice and their cartoon cousins must be “killed in all cases”, according to the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph.

And get this—the guy’s not your average nutjob, either—Munajid used to be a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington D.C....okay, that makes him an above average nut jobs. In context; He made the remarks on Arab television network al-Majd TV after he was asked to give Islam’s teaching on mice.

But don’t worry, Mickey won’t be alone. Munajid also put a hit on Jerry from “Tom and Jerry”.

Verdict: Get the man some cheese and a therapist. I love Tom & Jerry, couldn't he have put a hit out on Count Dracula instead?

THE EVIL EMOTICONS

The Fatwa: Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth: Emoticon fatwa

I can almost get behind this one. Sure, they’re annoying, but evil? Really? Well, to a Muslim forum looking to make a name for itself—yes.

According to Muslim Internet Forum Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth, “Emoticons are forbidden because of its imitation to Allah’s creatures whether it is original or mixture or even deformed one and since the picture is the face and the face is what makes the real picture then emoticons which represent faces that express emotions then all that add up to make them Haram.” Um...so should I hide away all of my child hood drawings while I'm at it? I sucked at art.

Additionally, “A woman should not use these images when speaking to a man who is not her mahram, because these faces are used to express how she is feeling, so it is as if she is smiling, laughing, acting shy and so on, and a woman should not do that with a non-mahram man. It is only permissible for a woman to speak to men in cases of necessity, so long as that is in a public chat room and not in private......Define 'necessity'....hormones count? or a really big smiley face...

Verdict: How do they find the time to think about this crap? :-) XOXOX ;-) XOXOX :-P XOXOX :-D

The Fatwa: Football fatwa

No, not even the beautiful game is safe from stupid fatwas, then again, it is the most popular sport in the world. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan lampooned one very real edict setting out new rules for football. Reasonable demands included “do not play with 11 people like the heretics, Jews, and Christians”(I advocate Muslim teams having an extra man...we might actually win a few games), and “play in your pajamas or regular clothes (because) colored shorts and numbered T-shirts are not Muslim clothing (did I mention how math wasn't our thing?)”.

However, the most ridiculous aspect is the edict to “remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system’s despotic international rules.” Hey, just because most Muslim country's teams suck, doesn't mean we change the rules. It's not like we're special needs children.

Verdict: Don't hate the player, hate the game. Football is Awesome. Just send some Verrry liberal Islamic Missionaries to Brazil and we'll be fine. 

Source: “A Fatwa on Football”, The Guardian, Monday 31 October 2005.

Corralling in The Wives of Afghan County

The Fatwa: Islamicly Getting it On.

In 2007, the former dean of Islamic law at al-Azhar University in Cairo issued a fatwa that nudity during sexual intercourse invalidates a marriage between husband and wife. Suad Saleh, head of the women’s department of Al-Azhar’s Islamic studies, pleaded for sanity saying that “anything that can bring spouses closer to each other” and Islamic scholar Abdel Muti concurred, saying “Nothing is prohibited during marital sex, except of course sodomy.”

For his part, Al-Azhar’s fatwa committee chairman Abdullah Megawar backpedaled and said that married couples could see each other naked but should really cover up with a blanket during sex. He was also treated for physical self esteem issues. 

He was also very hungry

Verdict: ...so many inappropriate jokes I could make that would book me a first class ticket straight to hell....

http://www.simplydumb.com/2007/04/egyptian-cleric-nixes-naked-sex/

The Fatwa: Ezzat Attiya: Adult Breastfeeding in the Workplace

In May 2007, Ezzat Attiya wondered how unrelated men and women could work together in the same office, when Islam forbids men and women who aren’t married or related to be alone together. His answer: let her suckle him FIVE TIMES. Yes, that’s right, an adult female breastfeeding an adult male coworker will defuse all sexual tension in the office.

Confused? See, the female worker will now be the male worker’s foster mother, and they can be alone together anytime. Attiya’s ruling was widely mocked...well by me anyway. He was later suspended from his job, bludgeoned for outright idiocracy in Arab newspapers. He later issued a retraction saying it was a “bad interpretation of a particular case.”

Privately, green elves have informed the multiple personalities of Alpha Za that Attiya  feels he has the support to launch a World Wide Jihad for his cause. He was last seen testing this thesis in the red light district in Amsterdam.

Verdict: Someone's been watching too much porn....and needs to get over his Mommy issues. 

Source: “A Fatwa Free-for-All In the Islamic World”, New York Times, Michael Slackman, Monday, June 11, 2007.

I'm a rather understanding fellow, but even I can't publicly defend most of this. Even if some of it's out of context or just misunderstood....what the hell? Are you guys really kidding me..... Do we not already have enough of a PR disaster?

Maybe what the Muslim's need are better, less juvenile Clerics in order to have a nation of better Muslims. 

Much thanks to: http://duniasyukron.blogspot.com/2010/08/top-10-bizarre-or-ridiculous-fatwas.html