Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.
Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.
........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.
Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc
Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'
Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.


Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?
Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes
Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!
Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is
Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies
Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards
Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.
The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard
Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....
Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....


♪♪HARINI♪♪ said...

Loved it!!

Maria said...

True true true.
And funny as hell :D

Gorilla Bananas said...

How nice to hear of a country where girls still have reputations to lose. Does pretending to be gay really put their parents off guard? Why doesn't everyone do it?

Anonymous said...

I really hope that the girls here aren't that bad. Well I can't speak for all women but I KNOW I'm not like that.

Different cultures I suppose.

secret.whispers said...

dude i didn't even know it was socially acceptable to openly date in pakistan yet! o_O
totally scandalizzzzed. lol.
whatever man. it just seems too much of a hassle. WHO HAS ALL THAT FREE TIME (AND MONEY) LYING AROUND?
good looking guys don't even register in my brain anymore i'm so busy with trying not to fail out of college..

P.S. but yeah..i LOL'd.

Maryam said...

Alpha, you are so mean. I loved this post even though I don't agree with a lot of things =P

Funny tha.

Riot Kitty said...

That sounds terribly complicated. Glad I am no longer dating!

Amna K said...

hahahah! I just love the way you defined dating in the beginning of the post! Politics, plots, intelligence, etc. :-D

Although all of this doesn't really apply to all those of my friends who 'liked' and/or 'dated'. But it does apply to a massive number of random and not-so-random girls at my college. Their men would've loved your tips! :-D

Alpha Za said...

@ Harini: Thanks, Glad you Enjoyed it!

Alpha Za said...

@ Maria: Haha, thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Women in Pakistan keep their reputations in a safe, hidden under as many versions of the Quran they can fit in there.

If you're a parent, would you rather your teen hormonal daughter spent copious amounts of time with a straight boy or a gay one?

The reason more people don't do it, is that some mothers may feel that you'll turn their daughter's lesbian. Now that's some extreme matchmaking to find a spouse for that in PK.

Alpha Za said...

@ The Adorable Ditz: Let me put it this way, as a friend once put it so aptly, 'In Pakistan, women think that they are God's Gift to Mankind, and demand to be compensated as such for even the minute grata of their youth, because thay ain't gonna get any hotter.'

Different cultures indeed. God bless your ilk.

Alpha Za said...

@ Secret.Whispers: There are certain things we keep strictly on the Down Low. Did I ever tell you how I'd make a bad ass investigative reporter?

I'm sure your Father would not be pleased that I told you dating actually exists here....beware. the Scandals!

Time. Money......I think you are discounting the power of hormones. Behind every drug dealer is a chick whose cell phone habit he couldn't support.

In the unlikely occurrence that you do fail out of college, perhaps those good looking guys would be of significant use.

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Don't be hatin, because I'm right! Glad you enjoyed the post! :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Riot Kitty: I'm sure the local stud population is saddened by your marital state.

Life is complicated, it's part of the thrill. Being a rock would be damn boring!

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Thanks! I do tend to revel in my cleverness.

Fate obviously didn't smile upon those men, that is indeed their loss.

Thinking said...

hmm...what makes me curious all the time is how and where you get all these type of pictures?


Alpha Za said...

@ Thinking: Lo and Behold the Power of Google Images.

Ria said...

Gosh thats bad!! Dating sure seems to sound like a tedious task here. :) :P

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether it's true or not, but it's very funny. I'd certainly date the guy in the first pic, but I expect his Dad would call on drones to rain down on his backside if I did! Sorry, Pakistan!

Anonymous said...

I am 'terribly' amused at how smartly you managed to sneak the male chauvinism into it. Totally blended.
And yeah this post tasted like the dark chocolate. Bitter yet worth devouring. Despite how awesome your blog is I would still make sure that my guy doesn't read it for obvious reasons. lol =P

Alpha Za said...

@ Ria: Tedious is one way of looking at it..... :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Alec: Glad you liked it bud, I'm sure he'd be very open to your overtures as well, I do recommend you hold off till they develop drone proof jackets.

Alpha Za said...

@ Xehra: Aw, thanks. I'm terribly amused by it too. FTW!

haha, I'm sure you're just protecting him for his own good. Is not a slave happier not knowing the pleasure of freedom, or having knowing it and bearing that loss.

Thanks for thinking my Blog is Awesome. I find myself hard pressed to disagree. :-)

Deepika Vasudeva said...

is that really??...

Maryam said...

HAHAHA! Hilarious!
I was so gonna stand up for the gfs, but then I remembered that everything you've said about them is true! Add making their bfs get them expensive clothes from branded stores which they've never even bothered visiting previously.

I know this female who got her bf to get her a cell phone, bags, clothes AND a camera.

P.S: My CFA exam went well Mashallah. It was unexpectedly easy. I so wanted to write a post on the weirdos I saw at Regent, but didn't want to jinx anything before the result comes out :S

Alpha Za said...

@ Deepika: I am happy to report that this is a Satire blog with more truth in it than most Newspapers.

That doesn't reflect well on most newspapers.

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Thanks! glad you enjoyed the post. The truth shall set you well substantial amounts of money. One out of two ain't bad.

Men are suckers for pretty (Pretty being a relative term) faces. it's so much easier to buy someones affection than earn it.

Behind every guy who spends shit loads of money on his gf, is a boy whose afraid that he has a small penis/ isn't good enough for the lady in question. There. i said it. FTW!

I hope this female's bf kept receipts or atleast the original packaging so he can regift the gear later. It might stunt his dating criteria if he dates differently shaped girls, then again, he could just call it 'vintage'.

Congrats on the CFA Ass kicking! I'm sure you'll pass with no worries. I did have a fair few thoughts about the odd balls at the Regent, but I felt it cruel to unveil them and further reduce the small number of attractive women currently enrolled in the CFA program.

Amna Chaudhry said...

Very clever =P

I don't do any of this. Maybe that's why I'm single ^^

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post.

Don't worry, one day you'll make a perfectly nice boy completely broke. A fairy tale life indeed.....C'mon, thats a good thing. :P

secret.whispers said...

but yeah. i don't think any of the good looking ones out there can support my expensive tastes :P
sigh..i have no one to rely on but myself.

Kelly said...

Hilarious satire! And shit loads of truth can be found here. We have more than our unfair share of money hungry witches in the U.S., too. Not all are like that but enough. Women, in general, are INSANE. The dating scene of your country and my own are almost identical, Alpha Za. Thanks much for the funny and practical tips. I wish I could use them but I've already been enslaved by a wife. :(

Also: That pic of the Female Terminator gave me an awesome boner!

Favorite line: 'Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon'.

Also still: I'm adding you to my blogroll. Don't you feel just too special... or something? lol.

Take care, dude.

Ghausia said...

I can't believe you left out the 'but kissing under the burqa ian't wrong!' part out. Pout. Oh, and also, the girls that for some annoying reason, like to give their boyfriends their phones. "Oh honey, you keep my phone for me na!". So when I text my friend XYZ saying "Sigh, I don't like you anymore" because she doesn't keep in touch, I get a reply from Mr. XYZ about how its better that she gets to be his now, followed by a statement about how I have to ask Mr. XYZ's permission to talk to her, and ending with allowing me to talk to her when he's asleep or in the bathroom. I swear to God Murtaza, this really happened. I'm not kidding. Sure, either XYZ or Mr. XYZ could stumble across this and know I'm talking about them, but really, when will they have the time to do so when they're lost in each other's eyes? Blech.

And if its not texting his/her freinds in replies(girlfriends reply to me from their boyfriend's phones as well to my chagrin!) its the "oopsie, I left my phone with Mr. ABC, giggle." No you did not bitch, fuck you, I loathe feminists but I want to sic an entire crazed bunch on you just because I find you disgraceful. Grr. Why do they do this Murtaza, why why why?!

Heh, that was fun. Sorry dude, I'm bored, my parents won't let me go to schoooool! :( Oh speaking of, I scored a 17 out of 25 in the peebreak exam. :(

Bodaciousboomer said...

This post made me laugh out loud! Since I had a crappy morning, your witticisms came in most handy to elevate my mood. Flamboyantly gay! I love just that.

Alpha Za said...

@ Secret Whispers: It depends on how liberal your definition of 'Good looking' guys is.

If you get rich enough, just buy yourself a nice good looking boy who knows how to clean.

Alpha Za said...

@ Kelley: Thanks man, glad you liked the post. The insanity of woman kind is baffling.

Your wife has enslaved you with her loins. It is the oldest trick in the book. I recommend changing your identity and moving to Bali to enslave hot female tourists with your own loins.

Female terminators are an invention thats just waiting to happen.....FTW


I do like that line, though I preffered the bulge in pants being proportionate the wallet size.

Have a good one. is it quarter to 4 yet? Time for the fury to unleash?

PS: You're fucking awesome too. Your blog makes me cough up blue blood because its just that awesome.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Who wants to make out under a burqa? the lack of visuals and the possibility to having contact with unsavory lady facial fuzz is a long held fear of mine. That and bald spiders with 7 legs.

Just tell your friend that all her BF wants to do if Fuck her silly and then sleep with all of her friends. The truth shall set you free. On a more serious note, your friend is a cunt and you should replace her.

They are victims of Hormones, Indian Movies and rank stupidity. It has been spoken.

congrats on your pee break score. Why won;t your parents let you go to school? Do they fear the males in the school attacking your honor?

Alpha Za said...

@ Bodacious Boomer: Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post. It pleases me that I can be the upside to someones shitty morning.


Ugly Shoelace said...

Fun fun :D. I like the captions under pictures. Hehe!!!!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ugly Shoelace: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

Ghausia said...

I just giggled from start to finish reading your comment. Your awesomeness meter just broke due to being unable to support the intensity of your awesomeness. Either that, or I need to start easing myself off the flu meds. WHEEEEE!!!!

Oh, all the pretentious burqaywalis who preach Allah and the Rasul's way to you, while sexting their boyfriend madly. God doesn't mind what you do with a boy as long as its under the burqa don't you know.

LOL omg I totally know a girl who would do that exact thing, she's a friend(I think) but she doesn't spare anyone, not her friends, not her teachers, I can't say about the family though. Just yesterday, she called me a dumb fat slut. I was hurt. :( Moreso because I may do worse things than her, but she isn't exactly an angel herself. And at least I don't smoke! Sob. I was so sad Murtaza, who talks to their friend like that? :( Anyway the annoying boyfriend friend, heh, I'd love to say that but the girl is my bestie, even if she's annoying and weird now, and she got me a cool beret from her Eurotrip, so I just keep talking to her to a minimum to avoid frustration now. Oh, the boyfriend also (good-naturedly) mocked me because I couldn't attend her surprise bday lunch. (Because I was busy attending a 3 hour lecture of one of my major subjects, duh!)Sob. Everyone hates me!

Now which Indian movies are we talking about, the slutty Emraan Hashmi ones, cause then I gotta agree! Ohhh I once saw this really weird movie where this couple starts making out and then the dude goes "I love you baby" and that was where my sister changed the channel. Later, I heard graphic scenes followed and the dude was hairy, so I sent up a little prayer to bless my sister in all that she does. Thank God for older siblings!

lol noooo although considering what the crowd is like at my uni, they should really worry about my honour, them boys be too desperate to care that I'm short and fat. :D Its the fluuuuu they won't let me go I'm so fucknig bored at home and I'm totally fine now, and they insisted I spend three more days resting, I'm sick of resting damnit! Look at how long this comment is, even by my standards, I mean, sure I talk a lot, you know it, I know it, but this is a lot of babble even for me. I need to get out and run around classrooms threatening boys with cooties damnit, I'm a hyper person on a normal day, imagine shutting me up inside the house when I'm super-bored! I wanna go to schooooool!

You know, if you read all of this, I SO owe you lasagne.

Katie said...

LMBO... Great post. Intersting, witty and well hilarious!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hehehehe...well done my friend. And I think you can use this post as a basis to write a movie script. It would make a great comedy laced with dramatic sequences...

it would be a hit. Come on, write the screen play. :) life goes on a different road from here. hehehe.

and let me know if you have a bit player part for me. hehehe

Kelly said...

Seriously, man, thanks for saying that about my blog. I feel the same way about yours.

Your writing style and my own are similar in the way that we both infuse the truth, or at least partial truth, with sarcasm and humor with a lot of our blog posts. I've always found it interesting that people will more easily swallow the truth of what is written when you mix it with humor.

"Funny", how that is to be the case with the words people write. Know what I mean? lol.

Alright... Anyway... my sermon is over. Take care, dude.

Christopher said...

ha, ruin it by giving you a steak! that's priceless.

now i've been shown a weapon collection before, never of the automatic variety though

Alka Gurha said...

Awesome...with great pics...Great insight into the dating scene.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thanks, I strive to amuse...and tell the truth. What lies, the truth is a secondary concern....though I am always on the look out for bald 7 legged spiders.

I wasn't made aware of that criteria, but to be fair, I assumed that if the goods are better surveyed hidden, that their probably faulty quality at hand.

I think you should replace your friends and hold an online open facebook event for people who may potentially want to be your friend and commence interviewing.

That beret was probably made in China.

Stop watching Indian Porn. It's unsavory for a Lady of your standing. Besides, the Lithuanian stuff is sooo much better.

Well, if you go to school and infect everyone, then you'd get even more days off.

Affirmative. I expect my Lasagne to be delicious.

Alpha Za said...

@ Katie: Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

Alpha Za said...

@ Spiky: haha, thanks, you're right I would be a kick ass movie script writer. but I'd also have made a totally bad ass Vampire Hunter. eh, the choices of life.

I think you might well be the star :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Kelley: aw, I know. Eh, We're awesome. Though lets discount the extreme gayness of the moment.

We serve steaming dishes of Satire laced with some roofies of truth.

Alpha Za said...

@ Christopher: haha, glad you enjoyed by haphazard captioning.

Parents are getting high tech. Did you know that you can legally own a tank without any permit whatsoever....

Alpha Za said...

@ Alka Gurha: Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post!

Smokey_Cat said...

I totally adore the way you write, but why must you always generalize so?

Anonymous said...

Awesome. I love extreme sports. Now if only I could convince the embassy to give me a visa to visit.

dr farrukh malik said...

i love the post of singles and dates. although i am engaged but it helped me to bring charisma in my engagement and wedding night ;) rock dude!!

Ghausia said...

What do you have against crippled deformed spiders? They're your FLENDS!

I don't think you could ever know unless you spend your life in a girl's school like me. That probably explains my lesbian tendencies lol. I was considering making a blogpost titled 'My life in a girl's bathroom'. Intrigued? And yes, I do mean bathroom as in "the" bathroom, not a metaphor for school. Oh the things you heard about there, and the things you missed and thanked your lucky stars for missing!

Why are you constantly trying to make me create FB events? Are you an FB event addict? GASP! Murtaza! For shame!

It wasn't Indian porn honest! The girl started off with some emo lines about her sad life story and implied rape! I didn't know they'd start doing it right there! And well the Emraan Hashmi movie, it was quite intriguing plus siiiiigh. I'm a suckah for Emraan Hashmi. Such pretty eyes he has. They speak to me. And not just about all the STDs he's picked up either.

But at least I have fun at school! We have random conversations many of which can be read about in my FB notes, and we bug and annoy the boys, just the other day, I told one of them who had a girl's sweater tied around his neck, I sez to him, I sez, dude, I say this as someone who's your friend its not that you don't look really hot today because you do, but take off that sweater ffs you look like a fucking faggot. Everyone laughed, and he didn't hear me and I wouldn't repeat it and he kept trying to get it out of me. Fun! Okay juvenile is more like it, but for some reason, the boys find it funny when I swear specially in Urdu. I'll be pissed off andcursing a blue streak and they're just standing there and laughing. In case you're wondering, the hyperness hasn't worn off. Oh and then he said The Cakery didn't want to make me cupcakes and was lying about her injury and I cried. Sob. Why won't anyone give me cupcakes Murtaza?!

I'm gonna go look up Lithuanian porn now. Oh btw I invented a new eatey thing today. Grabby-Gettys!

Editor said...

nice one

Alpha Za said...

@ Smokey Cat: I'm scared that if I didn't generalize so, you'd adore me just a little bit less :/

I should have a disclaimer that says that nothing I say is applicable for my blog's loyalists, due to their inherent awesomeness.

Alpha Za said...

@ kyknoord: Do you actually need a visa to come to Pakistan....?

Alpha Za said...

@ dr Farrukh Malik: Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I'm glad it enhanced your wedding night charisma. Bravo!

Furree Katt said...

hilarious, this was. dating here sucks quite a lot. i actually know girls who have asked boys to buy them phones and things like that!
i do have dreams of making a boy broke though. ;O but like after marriage.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: They scare me.

I would have loved to spend a certain number of years in a girl school, as the only boy I think I would have been quite popular.

I look forward to this blog, it sounds epic!

fb events are awesome. I refuse to attend functions that aren't denoted as fb events. I think one should create fb events like 'Must Fire Incompetent buffoon' and send an invitation to several dozen people.

I think the drugs and STD's have given him crazy eyes. They be haunting you. becareful.

haha, you should dole out cards that say 'faggot', 'stupid' and 'Smoking Jello Hot'.

On that note, I'm hungry. Enjoy your porn and grab gettys.

Alpha Za said...

@ Editor: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

Alpha Za said...

@ Furree: Glad you enjoyed it, I'm sorry that your dating experiences haven't been quite upto par :(

Well, shouldn't the boy you marry be the sort that doesn't get broke easily?

It's a thought.

Ghausia said...

There should be a movie on that. One boy, on his own, in a girl's school. I'd either be crushing on him, or his wingwoman. Considernig how I was in school probably the latter I didn't get cool till college and cooler at uni. I'm the perfect wingwoman, I spot hot girls pretty easily(dormant lesbian tendencies and all that) and I can tell whether she's the type to nag or bitch. Unfortunately, all my uni guy friends are good little boys that will marry whoever mummy tells them to and never look at a girl otherwise. (Unless its porn of course).

You stop encouraging me young man, I already wrote one pee-related blog. :D I had another idea about what I'd really like to say when each semester, the new teacher makes me stand in front of the room and introduce myself to people I've spent the past two years with. That one is more fun, at least for me but I promise, you'll get your girl's bathroom yet. :D

I think you need to attend FB Event-oholics Anonymous.

I think the boys would just get confused and ask me what jello is.

You lied to me Murtaza. There is no Lithuanian porn on YouTube. Sob. (And the other porn sites scare the shit outta me, there is some naaasty stuff out there dude!) Oh funny story, my best friend once accidentally mistyped youtube skipping out on the y, and then she messaged me on MSN saying, "type in your browser" so I did. Then we both screamed together. You should try it out too. :D

*Dulce* said...

heheheh hillarious post!!!

sm said...

very funny and good post

alonewithcats said...

"If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it."

That's true in dating, and in life. Your wisdom knows no bounds.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: There is little doubt you'd be crushing on the boy who is the star of the movie. That said, your wingwoman skills do seem rather precocious. Maybe you can open up a business...

I look forward to this deluge of excellence that is sure to emanate from your blog :)

There is no such event....that said, maybe I should make a fb event.

Don't tell them,.... add to your mystery.

I don't think Youtube allows scene.

I think I'll save that site for a time I want to gouge my eyes out.

Alpha Za said...

@ Dulce: Thanks! :) Muchos Gracias!

Alpha Za said...

@ sm: Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

Alpha Za said...

@ alonewithcats: Logic to live by no? In fact, I would go as far to say that this strategy would prolong one's propensity to live.

Thank you (I bow to your awesomeness)

Ghausia said...

Its hard to find someone to be a wingwoman too though. That makes me sad. :(

I'm personally looking forward to the bathroom one. :D

You made that event already didn't you!

There is porn on YT. Never mind how I know. Just not Lithuanian porn. :D You'd probably like that site. Heh.

Oh also I finally got to go to school today, but it kinda ended up badly because I woke up at 8 which is when I'm supposed to leave and was so late, I just grabbed my toothbtush, toothpaste, and facewash, dumped it in my bag and left. Then in the car, I jammed my shades firmly on my nose, plugged in my earphones, and turned it up to The Pretty Reckless, and dozed off as is my wont. Suddenly I woke up thinking why is it taking so long to get to uni and found myself in a place I definitely didn't recognize. Just as I was about to ask Papa where we were, I almost screamed WTF out loud as we passed Milennium Mall. Now how we got from DHA-----Bahria Uni-----Millennium Mall is beyond me, but apparently we skipped the in between place. So I ran a bit late, and got to uni massively carsick, dizzy, and nauseous. My friends came and got me when I texted them and stayed me in the loo while I cleaned myself up. I spent the entire first period nauseous but had a break in b/w in which I drank juice and felt better. By then, those goddamned Vincci's were killing my feet (Peeptoes, scourge of my life!)and since I was wearing socks, I calmly took off my shoes and walked around the entire university in socked feet. People stared. I shrugged sheepishly and said, painful shoes. My little finger on both feet still hurts. Then I bullied my friend into switching shoes cause my feet hurt. When I got home, (in my own shoes) an old family friend was visiting, and her daughter told me she didn't want to talk to me. (This is like, a 2 year old kid mind you) so I told on her and told her that her mom loved me more. (Which the friend was kind enough to corraborate so HAH take that mean little girl!) Then I fell asleep and woke up at 5 and stumbled downstairs to have lunch. The qeema matar was delicious. Anyway I don't know why I'm telling you all this other than the fact that its the kind of bad day that people find amusing and I like making people laugh. Did I make you laugh Murtaza? I'll absolutely die if I didn't!

Paige said...

you are hilarious. that is all.

Pesto Sauce said...

Bringing along others on a date!! Never heard such things before

Roshni said...

My eyes have been opened to a brand new world =o ..wtfuckness y0.

Mariam said...

I agree with the other mariam, I loved this post though I do not agree with few things : D

Just telling it like it is said...

Dr. I can't even failthum this

Sana Ali said...

Hahahah I loved everything about this post!

Ateeq Khaliq said...

Nice post....Liked it....but What President Patil is doing their... to save her daughter....?he he he.... "Aman ki Asha" ;)

Talha said...


very true though

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: A wing woman is a prize indeed.

That event is secret and invitation only.

I have no knowledge of pornographic material on youtube, what can I say, I rather it not get banned.

You made me laugh, haha, but I wished you didnt have to go through so much in order to do it!

Alpha Za said...

@ Paige: As are you. That is all.

I am also deeply flattered. :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Pesto Sauce: It gets worse, imagine if she decides to bring a horde of relatives who insist on telling you baby stories. I'm told, that it makes cleavage watching very uncomfortable.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: haha, fair enough. I strive to entertain.

Alpha Za said...

@ Just Telling it like it is: I tend to prescribe alot of laughing and to come back for stitches.

Alpha Za said...

@ Sana Ali: Thanks! Glad you loved it!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ateeq: Haha, true dat. Aman ki asha indeed. obviously.

Alpha Za said...

@ Talha: Thanks dude, appreciate it.

Alpha Za said...

@ Roshni: haha, your welcome. Fabulous educator I am.

Sadaf said...

H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S !
And Undigestible !

Alpha Za said...

@ Sadaf: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!....pity abt the digesting issue :P

Sadaf said...

Where did ya catch so much wit and equivocalness from!

Alpha Za said...

@ Sadaf: I'm thinking Aliens.

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hosein said...

jokes apart, i think dating dynamics in Pakistan hugely favor women. it could be due to a supply-demand gap bcos conservative society discourages girls from dating, while every guy wants female companionship and intimacy. but then we are talking about a small protected bubble here of fairly liberalized people rather than mainstream Pakistani society.

according to my observation, young women, as long as they are reasonable looking (nothing special) are hot commodities in the local dating market. there is no dearth of good looking , affluent guys who'd be willing to date them. girls just need intent and willingness.

consequently, most guys would agree how much more competitive the dating game is for guys. how much more effort they need to put in vis a vis girls. how much more they have to supplement themselves. girls just have to show up.

in sharp contrast to the dating market is our arrange marriage market which, as we all know, favors men. regular guys 'unfit' for the dating market can easily expect a beautiful bride as long as he is financially stable.

i'd also like to mention that the shorter and more casual the relationship, the greater the bargaining position of the girl. a young woman who wants to have some fun, flirt, have casual relationships can find herself having literally unlimited opportunities. id rather not go into the details on this one.

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