Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

To My Baby Niece

Dear Child Who Has Yet To Be Officially Named

Happy 'Birth' day Congratulations on being Born....some 9 hours ago! and even greater congratulations on having me as your Uncle. I wish I could have been there in Toronto when you decided to make your presence felt in this world, but life isn't fair. And I wish it was and that I could tell you that we brought you in a world where it was, where everyone was good, and fair, but it isn't. However, for now, that's not something you ought to be concerned about...hell, if I had a cogent thought when I was your age, I'm sure it'd be along the lines of asking the nurse where the hell my water bed went?

I'm sure you're all confused with the whole being born thing, the bright lights (don't worry, they'll adjust, but if you want to re-live that sensation then there is this great place called Las Vegas), complete strangers fawning over you and telling you how much they love you and how cute you look (considering your tremendous gene pool, I suggest you get used to it) and lastly not understanding a speck of what is going on (don't worry, most of it will be religious rites that you won't care about till you have your own bundles of joy...assuming you want a few).

The reason I'm writing this note isn't to tell you about how great I am, or for you to obey your family at all times (I'm sure they wouldn't mind), it's to pass on little bits of knowledge that I'd wish I had when I was..well, newly born, trying to figure out this loud odd ball, water bedless world of ours.

You can get away with anything. You will always be cute and utterly precious to us (congratulations, you have an automatic family battalion well into the dozens), but right now, whether you spit, gargle, poop, urinate, vomit or even salivate our of your hands, we don't care, we'll even think some of it's cute...until we call your mommy to clean it up. You can do all the crazy things you want and get away with it, I don't even think they even prosecute cute babies for murder. Though, we'd prefer it if you took all the jostling, nap time interruptions in relatively good cheer. We'll love you no matter what, however, the spillage chaos is frowned upon the older you get. You'll also find that odd baby voice that everyone talks to you in will become extraordinarily annoying.

Little boys can be mean, if they are every mean to you, you either mace spray them (I'm sending you a carton with baby hand appropriate sized spray cans) or tell them that they have cooties and it means that they are going to die. It'll work at least the first few times, little boys are stupid...and they actually don't get much better. What everyone says, friend or family will seem like a big deal to you, remember that words are mostly verbal sewage, don't take them seriously and know that you have the Uncles to make anyone who annoys you very sorry. But if you can learn to forgive and forget/get even, then that's even better.

Smile all the time, nothing makes anyone happier than seeing a baby smile, if Hitler (don't worry, you'll learn about him eventually) spent more time around smiling babies as opposed to starving ones, the world would be a better place. If you'd spend less time crying, that would be nice too, your Mom will be juggling her various responsibilities like an acrobat on steroid medication.

Name recognition; it's going to take you a few years to get a hang of all the names of everyone, don't feel bad, it doesn't really matter. Hell, I can barely still keep track of half of family's names; it get's hazy into second cousins region. When in doubt, ask your Mom or better yet, Grandma. But get used to meeting people who know your name and can regale you with stories about cute acts of infant-ness you performed. You won't remember, trust me. Just take their prodding in cheer.

You won't be having much other than smelly mush and breast milk for a while, just roll with it and trust as when we say that you'll need teeth for all the good stuff (oh, yeah, teething ain't fun either). You may think it's a good idea to play with your food, which is find, but kindly limit your projectile range to your food bowl, it'll make clean up easier...and yes, none of us want to try the carrot mush anymore than you do.

Enjoy the free range pooping and peeing privileges, eventually those are going to end; you're going to have to give up the pampers and take care of yourself like everyone else. In the mean time, enjoy the rare sensation of knowing that you don't have to miss a second of your favorite show just to use the bathroom.

You're beautiful and we love you no matter what anyone else says, we don't care if you decide to grow an extra foot or decide that dread locks are the way to go. You are family and family loves each other unequivocally with such a resolute absoluteness that you won't find anywhere else. If you do, then congratulations, you've met your best friend.

Did I mention how much we love you, and that you're going to be the best loved baby the world have seen.... since your Aunt?

Take care of your Mom and Dad

I Love you very much and I always will.

Murtaza Mamoo (Uncle)

PS: If your first words can be Murtaza Mamoo, that would be great.