A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

Pakistani Capitalists Rock!

IT ROCKS!

Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan, the typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicos, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their facebook accounts.

What our Talent Pool Really Looks Like...

I on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we'll never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the right formula (The Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and lets face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in, deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the international Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan, being jointly sponsored by the Jamaat-e-Islami and Mossad.

Patriotic Pakistanis: Always Representing

I feel that the only class of people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we're ashamed of our good fortune sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As the wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well fed man to become an extremist". Now in order for that to happen, the not well fed  likely to become a terrorist fellows, would need something resembling gainful employment and not be an avid risk for life insurance companies.

Its not that difficult to convince drunk people to do stupid things though.

Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our Magical 'We believe in unlikely Miracles' Nation:

 

Desi Friend Finder: Most fights or 'phuddas' in Pakistan involve a substantive amount of posturing and grandiose threats, however, before the fight begins, there is typically end with some form of 'compro' (compromise), when some of the opposing sights recognize each other from a family they both attended whilst still in their nappies. The resulting 'compromise' typically entails an embarrassing assortment of black shirted pubescent teen boys hugging each other whilst acknowledging the brotherhood of Islam and how Mr Burger really does make the best burger.

I'm gonna hit you.....in a few....scared yet?

 
The reason this height of pathetic-ness tends to occur is because neither are particularly serious about fighting because they are scared of the sight of their own blood. The Desi Friend Finder will officiate these 'compros' by carefully interviewing the 'diaper gangsters' and find some obtuse relationships that will prevent all unwanted bloodshed. Facebook will come in handy too.

Baby Gangsters

I doubt that there is a parent on the planet that wouldn't pay the Desi Friend Finder his fees. After all, hospital bills are expensive.

Haha, All the Boys Want to Save US!

Honor Warriors: All men like playing hero whether its rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing and even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan isn't as lawless as your average 'gora'/foreigner is led to believe, or cutthroat scum of the halal earth thieves are just more polite around good looking women. This however, presents a significant problem, how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?

Honor Warriors

Hence, the Honor Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their purse or harass them, whilst a brave knight (who will be paying rather generously for this service based on a combination of his sexual frustration, access to porn and the attractiveness of the damsel in distress), will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' Desi CHAMAAAAT.

Who wouldn't help a naked-ish woman?

 
The Damsel, so grateful for her Savior's appearance (after all, a girl can't live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of Grandchildren.

Honor Warriors: Fulfilling Every Woman's Romantic Dream; Making their Friends Jealous

The Honor warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy. Kind of like Super Heroes.

Do You Want like 7.5 Oranges?

Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, Combs and Balloon Animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, cell phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They'd make alot more money and I wouldn't be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats.

If you want to make a living, sell stuff that you won't have to take home every night!

Financing this wouldn't be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate them some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out? 'Charitable' donations are tax exempt......Yay Capitalism!

Paid to Read Qurans....SWEET!...Dental Plan?

GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it's for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that an object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and whats the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for Madrassahs to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and Religion.....Who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs....

I bequeath you my Beard!

Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend alot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard, unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprout copious amounts of face fuzz and sell them for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.

Get Fit.....Chase Her

Personnel 'Fit Hai' Trainers: Most Pakistani's live a fairly sedimentary lifestyle, one's social life revolves around going to dinners and eating anything that can be easy deep fried in month old cooking oil.....fortunately month old cooking oil makes everything from a Mars Bar to anything resembling a vegetable rather tasty.

"Hey, wanna work out?"

To amp up the lifestyles of the Pear Shaped, a service of personnel 'Fit Hai' trainers will stalk and emotionally molest their clients into living a healthier lifestyle, whether its going to the gym, eating that salad for lunch or saying no to that 30th cup of hot sugar water laced with a sprinkling of Tea leaves

She's thinking "Don't Fart, Don't Fart!"
He's Thinking "Hope She doesn't Fart!"

They'll motivate and emotionally batter their clients by comparing their clients deluxe lunchbox to how the food would feed their entire village....for a week. The Personal 'Fit Hai' Trainers will get you in shape, if not through exercise that well thought out malnourishment.

Hope they made sure they got the right chick!

Wedding Attenders: The sheer volumes of weddings during any given season is mind boggling. Particularly strange considering how rarely anyone knows the Bride and Groom in question. Its usually some distant relatives that one hasn't seen in decades. However, decorum dictates that some for of attendance is mandatory. Enter in the 'Wedding Attenders', a service that will enhance all wedding invitation loaded socialites lives in question.  Very simply put, the Wedding Attenders will act as their clients representative at the wedding, and for additional fees, would even impersonate their clients.

Wedding Attenders: Who the hell is going to remember who anyone is anyway?

The service will be rather cost effective, with the food provided at the wedding being worked into the fees (why let all that good food go to waste?).  In addition, start up costs for this enterprise would be minimal, a few good suits and garishly decorated Kurtas. In fact, both the men and women divisions of the 'Wedding Attenders' can share and recycle the Kurtas.

"I don't know who you are, but I'll still hug you" Wedding Syndrome

Chastity Belts: What law abiding proud parent wouldn't want to get a chastity belt for their daughter.....or son for that matter. have you seen kids nowadays? It'll come with a GPS tracking service for women (and men) of every size. Luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushion finish....for comfort.... and to show off.

Its Classy Tight, but not Air Tight.

Entrepreneurs create business to service needs that aren't currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence taxable revenue (which one can do their damnedest to avoid paying) In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it's time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as oppose to crawling through the minefield we're currently nestled in.

A version of this piece was originally published on Dawn.com

Dear Britain

Dear Former British Oppressors, 

Has anyone told you how amazing you guys are? Well, we love you. You guys are awesome, and we’re not just saying that because you are (allegedly) giving us close to a billion dollars in aid. We also have great affinity for your Football League and currency. Just check out the exchange rate! Manchester United Rocks! (Seriously, you have to close Sir Alex Ferguson).

In recognition of how terrific you are, we’d like to humbly submit that you retake Pakistan. Our government as you may have noticed is quite useless. The poor security situation, obdurately rising food prices, unemployment and incessant load shedding is wreaking havoc on our general populace.  And no one is better suited to combating these problems better than you!

You definitely know how to tackle terrorist elements, as the IRA can attest to. Your inflation is a mere 3.4% compared to our 13.07%! You obviously know what you are doing.  You hate waste, so you can put our unemployed blokes to work….picking cotton if need be….but those quaint unemployment benefits seem nice too! We know that you’ll set up a few power plants and hydro projects (or just drill a few dozen cavities into Baluchistan).

We’re also quite keen on that National Health Service (NHS) you all have got; we’ll sleep easy knowing you’ll do right by us. Subsidized education is a nice bonus too! Uncle Sam Out, Queen In. In the Queen we Trust, God Save the Queen….we like Charles and William too. But be sure to give the old Lass a big desi hug from us all… 

Now we realize that you had to put up with a lot of whining and malcontent when you previous um….occupied these lands, but we can assure you with substantial evidence that we have since developed into quite a docile bunch. Look at our politicians….we keep (democratically) re-electing corrupt, ineffectual fake degree toting cheats; we have no standards, we are as accommodating as they come.

Couple that with the massive yearning we have for all things gora/white, just look at our fair and lovely facial whitening cream consumption! The mommy folk are totally obsessed with their daughters (and daughters in-laws) gora content. 

We’re also be highly appreciative of your parliamentary system (we mimicked it after all…poorly as things stand), but you’d have no problems over MP’s expenses over here. No sir. Never.  In fact, we may teach you a few things on how it’s done.

Now you are probably wondering, what’s in it for you? Well, for starters, we know how much you love your Cricket, can you even imagine how many world titles we’d win with Afridi and Peterson in the same team? That’s fairy dust magic just waiting to happen! You’d even be able to retain the Ashes from Australia…we do solemnly swear. 

You can justify your huge deficit by telling the world how you intend on increasing your tax revenue to GDP ratio, we’re one of the lowest, so it’s a game we can play together for a while. Take that IMF. 

We couldn’t help but notice how your great, but tiny nation is running out of real estate space; well, we have plenty.   

We also have lots of natural resources and we don’t have a history of kicking out invaders like Afghanistan. …er….except for you.  But seriously, in hindsight, we realize that you weren’t really invaders as much as pillagers….um…Managers. Gora Saahib Zindabad!

Admittedly, we’ve done a fantastic job of messing things up, with our religious infighting and blaming Israel for everything, but with your guidance (and love of Desi food), we’re sure that we can do better. So we implore you, take over and together we can re-kindle the glory of the British Empire!

Respectfully yours, Your Former and soon to be your current Colony

Pakistan

A version of this article was reluctantly published by the good folks at Dawn. They are Still Evaluating the Decision Made and Blood May Be Spilled. 

To All You Fabulous I Shit Glitter Folk

Why I Wrote This:

I am unfortunate enough to come across more than my own share of the 'fabulous' people, who wildly proclaim that they are sooo fabulous that they piss and shit glitter. Now the kicker is that these particular mutation of people aren't actually famous per say. But they just believe they are. Now, I know it's important for everyone to have a sense of self-importance, it's healthy and all that, but I rather not be involved in conversation with anyone involving how they are 'so famous, it's scary'...particularly as they are best described as Celeb leeches. 

I'm not exactly sure how it starts, but I imagine it has something to do with Facebook photographs and tagging. Once they get tagged standing next to someone 'famous', they get noticed and have something 'meaningful' to talk about for the next month, and soon an addiction kicks in. Suddenly, they consider themselves and their brushes/liaisons/insertions with relatively well known (broadly interpreting well known), as significant news that require frantic phone calls and multiple twitter updates.  

1. Celebrity Esteem: Just because you know, have hooked up with, or perhaps stole a sandwich from a mildly famous person doesn't mean you are particularly important. It means that you have low self esteem. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, after all, you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Being cool by association is sad. Be cool on your own damn right. Go climb K2 in a bikini whilst smoking a cigar or something. 

2. You are not Famous. Name dropping may sound grand in your own warped mind, but it's not. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't mean that I (or anyone else for that matter) noticed that it was you holding back a celebs hair when she was puking on camera. And why any one would like to draw attention to the fact that their moment of glory was Drunken Hair Management is beyond me. It's not like  anyone is going to put you on speed dial in case they need to revolt their latest meals contents and need your particular services. 

3. I Will Not Google You. If I did, I'm unlikely to follow your site, your twitter, your Facebook fan page, your blog or your official web page and I most certainly won't buy your Lance Armstrong style Magenta wrist band (FYI: wrist bands are over, and no you can't bring them back). Any fan mail you get is from your mother. 

4. You Do Not Warrant a Security Detail. No one is going to stalk you and people aren't going to swarm you at your local coffee shop. If you have security, hopefully it's to protect the general public from you.  

5. Stores Will Not be Shut down for You: If you walk into a store and have to start convincing the staff how famous and well known you are, and require that they shut the store down for your own personal safety, then the truth of the matter is that you are a nobody. Though the way the economy is going, odds are that the store will be empty anyway. 

6. Celebrity 'Free Stuff' Privileges: Celebs get free clothes where ever they shop, free meals where ever they eat. Odd considering they are the demographic that afford it, if you aren't gifted such items without asking, then you simply don't matter. Think of it as businesses feeling that there is nothing to gain from supplying their items to a glorified Celeb hanger on. Take a hint and bring your credit card with you when you decide to go shopping.  

7. No I haven't see You on TV: In a country with over 50 channels and growing, it's unlikely that the population continuously check the channels for your appearance. The real world doesn't watch or remember game show contestants. If you made a cameo appearance, I'm not going to be checking it out on YouTube and comment on how super star-esque you are. If I somehow do, I (and everyone else you coerce) will notice that you are the one whose made all the 'high five' comments.  If you are a VJ, and I did recognize you from a TV show, I'd mention it or have class and show nonchalance to ignore the fact that you flirt with random guys who have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Besides, how crappy are you that you have a show on a Saturday night? 

8. Quit with the Self promotion: If every conversation you have with people artfully steered towards what you said in your blog or in a conversation you had a with a famous person, I don't particularly care. You have a problem, and please, you are not allowed to 'quote' yourself. If you do manage to find a sycophant to make you a fan page, thats not cause for celebration, its cause to get sketched out. Get therapy...seriously

9. Not a Fan of being Famous Through You: No I don't want your wall paper on my desktop or want my photo taken with you and have the picture subsequently tagged on Facebook so people 'know' who I am. I couldn't care less. And honestly neither should you. Also I question those third tier losers who think it's neat to be cool by association to a person who thinks they are cool by association. 

10. Charitable Causes Doctrine: No I don't want to give to Haiti through a charity in your name. I think Pakistan has enough problems without sending money abroad. We still have displaced folk from the earth quakes not to mention a host of other problems...like people starving. However, if you wish to get mental treatment, I'd be happy to donate....as well as help stage your intervention. We can make it into a show even if it makes the process easier.

Big Idea:

I hate to be discriminatory, but you glorified Wannabe Celeb Hanger-Ons  annoy me. Superficiality should not be raised to the level of an art form. It should not be something to aspire to. People ought to develop their own self worth through their own achievements, and being friends with celebs is not an achievement of any sort. It's just a mark of how low our expectations of our selves can fall. 

Now, I hate to see people bask in their own brilliance (particularly if it's not me and it's not earned), but I truly do feel that some douchebags need to move out of LALA land, and perhaps give the real world a shot. Grow the Hell Up.