A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

Women & The Myths: My Turn!!!

Why I Wrote This:

Around a month ago I wrote a blog for dawn.com regarding Men & the Myths, and a few days a response piece Women & the Myths was published, I found it quite entertaining and felt that I should add my two cents and correct her where she went a bit astray.... I naturally also have my unedited blog posting...

1. Women Are Age Conscious: There is possibly no creature ever created that is more age conscious than a woman. The entire cosmetics industry relies on women's age appropriate insecurities. The goal for a woman, is to look like she's is perpetually 29. Apparently there is something magical about that number. Men, don't care. The older we get, the better looking we get. Women look hot in their teens while guys look scrawny and awkward. Men date younger women because we can. Older women find it exceedingly difficult to date younger men for the very simple reason that guys have no desire to date men their mothers age.

2. Women Are Weight Conscious: Yes, they are. Women care more about their weight than any  man in the history of time ever has. And with good evidence, has anyone seen a really successful obese women? Obese women don't get promoted to the top of their organization or Marry stellar looking guys. Men luckily can be the size of a whale and still make CEO, In fact in Italian culture, a man with a significant pot belly is referred to as a man of respect. Gotta Love the hypocrisy. oh and it goes without saying that fat men with big bank accounts can generally get their pick of hottie gold digging elite.

3. Women are Bad Drivers: Yes, they are. For the very simple reason that guys can zone out and thinking about nothing while they drive. Women have the amazing capacity to think about everything and  worry about anything that could possibly happen. Which is why women aren't issued licenses to operate heavy duty vehicles....and motor cycles. Besides, God said so, which is why women aren't allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia! Men Drive cars because they enjoy the experience, women drive cars because they enjoy where they take them...typically the malls. In Pakistan this has resulted in men hiring Chauffeurs for their women folk....bad drivers or just plain Genuis?

4. Women Are Shopoholics: Women are incorrigible Shopoholics, women love the experience, they cherish it and find it as addictive as men find Video Games. However, video games are a one time cost, whereas womens shopping tends to be life long journey of discovery for the perfect black dress, the perfect shoes etc...hint: they don't exist, The female form has the tendency to change over time.....I'm just saying. Women also equate it to a sport, however I'd like to point out that most sports are time bound and have clear objectives....unless they consider spending as much money as they can in an allotted amount of time as 'objectives', which reminds me why some men won't give their wives these things called 'credit cards'.

Men brag about how little they paid for something, women brag about how large the amount they paid was. Usually when it is their boyfriends money. When they do save a token amount on things like peas, they tend to reward themselves with things like an Coach Bag....math please?

5. Women Are Physically Weak: Women actually are not fragile, they are just built differently. I would say that they are sturdy, for no other reason than that the birth giving process seems hardly the pain free delicate task in the world. It's not their fault, it's nature. Men recognize that women are typically more fragile and act accordingly. Because we are gentlemen and all guys love be told how strong we are. And women do like stroking our egos so that can make men do whatever they want.

6. Women Are Bad at Numbers: Definitely not true, women are great at math, and they've solved an equation that says that if they play their cards right, they'll be married to a dude who can bank roll their lack of math. And in future they can use this lack of math to justify their spending. 'Oh, it was for five Hundred dollars. haha, I thought it was for 5.00 bucks...Silly me'...More like Silly US!

7. Women Are Maternal: Women are not inbuilt with a maternal gene. I can categorically confirm that some women don't care for children at all, in some cases even their own. Some women do, something to do with carrying 10 extra pounds over the course of 9 months does a lot to your mental state. That said, I have seen heavily pregnant women drinking coffee, eating cheese, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes (this says nothing good about the people I have known). My advice to men is simple, If you find a great maternal girl, marry her, have some kids and if you are still unsatisfied...well there are marriages numbers 2, 3, an 4. But make sure you marry maternal babe first.

8. Women Love Gay Men: I have known alot of women who think of a gay best friend as the ultimate prize to be had. They like the idea of a male to go shopping with, and who shares interests with them. I think women who find gay men to be perfect, should really re-think it, if they EVER compare a straight man to a gay man. I have also known girls who are freaked out by Gay men. No idea why, I assume it has something to do with their assuming that the guy is 'undercover' gay and are waiting to drunken shag them. Girls are Weird. Men sadly, just don't understand their gay brethren; 'Why would you go for a guy, when you can hookup with any hot girl you want?' Seriously, a motion in the UN ought to be passed thanking them for improving every other mans odds.

9. Women Take Forever to Get Ready: Men get ready very quickly, we pick what we want to wear and get ready to head out the door. Women seem to put on a fashion show every time they are about to go out. Which has led me to the conclusion that no man should ever be on time to pick his lady friend up.

10. Women Are Manipulative: Women can be manipulative and the reason why they are perceived as such is because of their subtle communication skills coupled with their passive aggressiveness. A girl won't outright tell her guy that she hates his clothes, but slowly and surely items will start disappearing and after a period of time a guys entire wardrobe looks like the Marks & Spencer/Banana Republic Catalogue. If men don't like something, we just say it....usually to our detriment for being insensitive.

The Big Idea:

Women have to live with man misconceptions about who they are and how they act. However women tend to find ways to make it work for them, usually through whining about their lifes difficulties, a Man's pride requires him to bear burdens silently. Bravo to Woman Kind for Making Myths Work For Them!