Life is Beautiful: Unrelenting Optimism

I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of  'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.

Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!

Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!

Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!

The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!

Pakistan/US Relations: Just bribe us and get it over with.

Now many may mistake the relationship our nation has with our international friends aka the goras whom we affectionately call Obama, which is funny, because he's not gora, but we're too polite to say anything. Contrary to popular misconception, we're actually the best of friends. Infact they come over for sleep overs all the time, lend us money every so often, even though we never actually pay them back, they even look after our borders for us! Such silly news anchors we have, what more can one ask for in a friend?

Pakistan is AWESOME!; Ignore Anything Else I've Said to the Contrary.

The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!

The More Glasses the Merrier

Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.

Dealing With Inflation: Where there is a will, there is a Way!

Women have rights, plenty of rights, in fact I distinctly recall offering all women the right to come on over to my house clean the dishes, tidy up my room and make me a nice tasty meal (I prefer Lasagne), I'm sure all other Pakistani men are just as generous. We're an inviting lot you know! Almost to a fault, I daresay. We invited these Taliban chaps, and they like it here so much (duh, we're awesome...and tight), they decided to stay. Slumber parties for all!

Don't date Prudence! Prudence is Not Halal! YAY Overspending!

Government over spending, you see every once in a while, the world's economic powers would date a girl called 'Prudence', but since prudence is not a Muslim name (and is probably promiscuous as a result), we decided that it's in the best interest of the nation to shy away from her and over spend, just so that she doesn't get that idea that we're open to temptation. Besides, why would the most perfect Islamic state in all the lands, follow the fiscal example of the rest of the world? Sheer lunacy.

Optimism is believing these Girls are all 21 and have no STD's

Besides, the more we borrow to spend now, the harder our children will have to work in paying off our debt, and we as a society want nothing more than for our future generations to develop a strong work ethic. A bunch of Lazies they will never be!

Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.

A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

EID! EID!....oh Miserable Eid.

Now, I'm usually the sort of guy who is all for anything resembling a holiday, hell, I even get excited during half-work days (cheap thrills, I realize), so a four day Eid weekend should theoretically be celebrated with a gusto bordering on a three day Depeche Mode rave at the Play boy mansion...or a Pakistan sports team actually winning something*; it's been a while, I can go either way.

*Aisam Ul Haq; "Second Place is First Loser"

There is just something about THIS Eid, that didn't sit well with me. Whether it's the flood victims, incompetent corrupt officials, cricket scandals, or the lack of world peace (apparently really matters to all the Miss World Candidates; how can I not support their passion?)

I used to like Eid as a kid, the (theoretically) cool gifts, envelopes theoretically full of money and everyone lining up to tell you how great you are (thankfully that aspect hasn't changed). Now that the shoe is on the other foot (Damn having to Grow Up!), I'm rather less enthralled by the process.

Maybe one should get stacks of 5 rupee notes and give them out 100 bucks at a time. It'll look way cooler and keep the Hounds off my trail....particularly as my strategy entails throwing the said notes up in the air like a Baller at a Casino. 

Everyone is chasing you for money (by chasing, I mean chasing you down); Whether it's little rabid children, to whom you are only loosely related to, or the local sweepers who feel totally justified in banging your door down all day to ask for Eidhi (after all, after a year of neglect they finally cleaned your street the previous month); everyone who sees you is just excited to augment Eid Cash Hoardings.

Now I know I shouldn't mind, I make decent money and get a fair amount of cash for Eid, but something about the expectation of doling out dough that annoys and ruins the gift giving act to me. Particular when it erupts into a dollar denominated tsunami of who collected or gave more Eidhi; personally I'd rather stay in the former category, but alas more wishful thinking on my part (did I mention how awesome world peace is?).

Itchy Brand New Clothes: I am a terrible shopper. The only new clothes I've bought since I've come back to Pakistan are office shirts (I look very snazzy thank you very much). I really don't need yet another Eid occasion Shalwar kameez that has to suffer my complete awkwardness.

Odds are I won't wear it for the rest of the year. Sadly, it's almost always the kind that makes my body shake like a fire ant attack.I never get into that 'breaking it in' phase. I'm a waste of a good overpriced Shalwar Kameez.

Women tend to take Eid to a whole new level of wardrobe hell. how many Naked Sheep have they left in their wake I can only imagine..... There is winter wear, wedding wear, summer wear and Eid wear. Eid is twice a year and lasts a combined total of less than a week. And let's not pretend they judge each other like they were on America's Satan's Next Top Model.

Graveyard: I understand that it's important to pay one's respect to the dead, but it seems odd to go from somber grieving to the Desi equivalent of a house party. Who came up with that?

Eid Prayers: I and every other Muslim male (Fair occasion Muslims or otherwise) wake up earlier on Eid than on any typical work day (going to bed at 3am because of Chaand Raat doesn't help matters either). How does that come under the definition of a holiday?

Last I checked holidays were for sleeping in. Since Eid gives the mosque it's largest (incidently most apathetic) annual audience, the resident Cleric feels obligated to treat us all with the longest sermon humanly possible at 7 am in the morning. He calls it providing guidance, I call it Cheap Disposable Eidhi.

Germs: We are a country that strongly believes in the romantic ideals of Personal Space. On Eid, you hug everyone in sight and shake their hands like they cured cancer. If by some miracle you didn't get sick during ramzan, during Eid it's definitely a miracle if you don't catch something from the barbarian horde of germ swapping huggers.

If anyone has a hugging fetish, celebrating Eid naturally fits the bill. Why someone doesn't take the day off and set up a street stall selling Sanitizer is beyond me.

City Tour: I love Karachi, but just because I love my city doesn't mean I enjoy the scenic jaunts to slums like North Nazimabad (just kidding, I hate it because it's far). On a holiday, I rather stay at home or go somewhere that's well....fun. Egregious notion on my part, I realize. Maybe next year I'll get a tour bus...or just invest in a GPS. 

Mithai Overload: I love Sawwayya (vermicelli noodles) as much as the next Pakistani, infact I often thought I could eat an entire Harry Potter Cauldron full of the stuff.

However, wishful thinking translated into my male testosterone compelling me to try (read succeed) to finish the vat. But by my 7th innappropriately large bowl I realize that I may have both clogged my arteries and ravaged my taste buds to such an extent that they could hardly differentiate between munching an apple and consuming toxic waste.

Now, if there really is a sugar shortage (I'm all about the Zionists being behind everything) and has accordingly become obscenely expensive, then why is everyone being loaded up with enough sugar to inflict diabetes to a 5 year old. I'm confident that if we skip Eid for a year, we'll have enough sugar to last a few sweet tea enfused decades.

Over eating: You spend the entire holy month of Ramadan being famished; you don't eat all day, your stomach accordingly compresses and shrinks to the size of a baby fist; and then we decide that we should celebrate the imbalance by eating enough food to feed a family of elephants......every hour or so.

There is nothing worse than stuffing one's post fasting pea pod of a stomach with an insane variety and quantity of  food at iftaari; then Eid comes along and I'm reminded that atleast during Ramadan, it's acceptable to stop eating without offending the world in general.It's not what do you want to eat, it becomes a how much can someone charmingly jam down your throat without causing a leech splattering tummy explosion. 

Mehndi: That CRAP STINKS! It's poop colored muck that its odd patterns all over a girls hands and arms. How does that connect to festivity??? Is their a mud wrestling extravaganza that I'm not invited to? And what's with the bangles? All I hear about how flimsy they are and how they keep breaking after the first 35 hugs of the day!

Usually, when Eid comes around, we think of the things we want, be it treats, or an assortment of cool gifts, and hey maybe even that electronic extravagence that you had been saving up for. I'm no different, but for some strange reason I didn't want an Eid complete with a shiny new phone or a riddiculously awesome TV (I wouldn't say no), I wanted something that I know that I wouldn't get.

I really wanted some Pakistani Leaders that aren't charismatically flawed pieces of stinking horse shit. That would make me strikingly happy and make it feel a bit more like something worth celebrating.....for everyone.

Oh yeah, Belated Eid Mubarak/Rosh Hashana/Holidays Peeps!

Congratulations, we can totally do the opposite of what we were supposed to be doing in Ramzan without feeling like abnormally bad Muslims. The whole wasting my time on useless activities was really getting to me.

Proof that Hip Computer Literate Clerics Exist: The Truth is Out There....Waaaay Out There

Conquering CFA Level 1: Passing the Exam!

I am happy to report that I recently discovered that I passed my CFA Level 1 exam.... on my first attempt. Pretty handily, I might add. Though honestly, I'm more relieved than happy.

Although the exam was in June, I've retained a remarkable amount from the actual experience itself which I felt that I ought to share, lest any of you mere mortals dare attempt an exam with a 1/3 pass ratio. (It's lower if it's your first try).

Personally, I'm thankful that I passed because I doubt my ego could withstand being ranked in the bottom 2/3rd of anything (which is why I was more relieved than happy).

Here are some of the tips I followed and I hope it helps a few of you:

Start Early

This course requires a significant amount of work. The CFA institute prescribes at least 250 hours, I probably did around that or a little less spread roughly over 2.5 Months. I was also working at that time, so it got hectic, even though I had a great boss who was willing to be flexible; If I were you, start earlier, ideally 3-4 months and give yourself a extra time cushion.

That said, if you do not have any background in finance you might require considerably longer time than the 250 hours, I work in finance, so I actually got some studying through my work load.

This exam can be very expensive; I registered in the last deadline and it cost me $1435 dollars. Realize that this is an investment and behave accordingly.

Get the Right Study Material

Unfortunately the material supplied by the CFA Institute is bulky, cumbersome and at times plain stupid. I've yet to meet anyone who has actually used it and passed. In fact its almost designed to put candidates off.

In Pakistan, majority of the people who clear the exam used Schweser Notes (In Pakistan a bootlegged copy costs $35). I'd offer to sell it to you, but then the Schweser folk might get really mad that I reduced there sales by thousands of dollars and sue me.

However, Schweser Notes or Analyst Notes are your best way of efficiently wading through the course and still have enough time for the all important practice exams. I've heard decent things about Stalla as well.

Calculator

The CFA Institute allows you to use only 2 or 3 calculators. I recommend buying either the Texas BA II Plus or Texas BA II Plus Professional as soon as you intend starting with your prep (The HP is acceptable, but has fewer functions).

It is important you get used to the calculator and adjust its settings to your convenience (decimal places mostly). LEARN TO USE IT. It is your lifeblood. And buy, beg or borrow a spare, or at the very least a spare battery and a philips screwdriver (to change the battery).

Work on a Schedule

Make a damn schedule; so you know what your doing and when your supposed to be doing it. If you fall to meet deadlines make sure you have some back up time to eat into. Attempt to diligently follow your plan, you probably won't but it's the thought that counts.

Weekends are ideal for studying, thought what worked for me is planting my butt on a chair for 6-7 hours at a stretch and working through the course. But whatever works for you. A scheduale is important because it gives you a sense of time to the exam which builds the anticipation and sense of urgency.

Course Breakdown

Quantitative Methods, Financial Statement Analysis and Ethics are massive chunks of your course (combined 112/240 or 47%) and more importantly Quantitative methods actually helps you navigate the rest of the CFA course. This is roughly the scheduale I used; It served me well. I strongly recommend it.

A: Economics
B: Quantitative Methods
C: Financial Statement Analysis
D: Corp Finance & Portfolio Theory
E: Fixed Income & Alternate Investments
F: Ethics 
G: Practice Paper 1
H: Revise Course
I: Practice Papers 2 & 3.
J: Last minute forumla & Concept prep

Your strengths can be quants or fixed income and equities. Whichever they be make sure you know that topic inside out, and set your time accordingly. My yardstick was that if I could do the concept checker questions at the end of each study session, I was ready to move on.

If I couldn't, I'd figured out why, they are good barometers to the actual questions in the exam. (The answers are worked out for you in the answers section).

Practice Papers are vital. Take them very seriously and realize that they help evaluate your strenghts and weaknesses as a candidate.

Form a Study Group

I hear great things about study groups, but for me personally, it didn't happen. I would still recommend forming a study group that meets either after work or on weekends; but make sure it's a productive focused group; the fewer close, personal friends the better. If you do make a group, set targets and meet them.

Outside Help

I don't recommend classes unless you are someone with no financial experience. It's a do it yourself kind of course and there are alot of people who've already cleared CFA level 1 whom you can probably access for the tough road blocks. That said, do what suits you. Analyst Notes has a forum that is actually a terrific resource for answering your questions online and they have practice sections for one to attempt as well.

Develop Exam Temperament

Practice papers are very important, do atleast 3. Recreate the environment as best you can. Remember, you have to be able to effectively time yourself and finish attempting all your questions on the answer sheet. Simulate exam environment as far as possible. The Regent Plaza in Karachi for example is always freezing cold, I brought an extra long sleeve polo just incase. My hands also tend to get sweaty when in Exam mode so I brought tissus.

The biggest factor to recreate is planting your butt on a chair for 3 hours at a time and working in dead silence; if you like studying to music, start not liking it; the brain operates on patterns, you train it how to work. CFA don't allow calculator covers, but they'll most likely make you place them them under your chair. I'd still strongly recommend that one try to leave as much of your personal items out of the hall....like cell phones or study notes. They have a place to keep them, but I rather not lose my Phone because the millions of bags got mixed up.

Work Hard
There is no substitute for this one. Just Do It and think of the Pay Off (Money, Women, Prestige, Job etc).  Or in my case Level Two Books (Above)

The Actual CFA Exam: Know Thy Enemy & Vanquish with the Vengence of the Almighty!

The exam is broken up into 2 papers, one in the morning and the second in the afternoon. All topics are tested in both sessions. You have to pass every single section (I think), so there is no value in trying to game the exam. None.Whatsoever. Do not skip anything in your study prep.

The CFA Level I exam is 100% multiple choice questions exam. You will be under time pressure in the exam and need to answer on average one question every 1.5 minutes so you must keep moving through the questions. Because I was well prepared I finished rather early.

As per CFA, this is your day's scheduale

1. There is a strong argument for working methodically through the questions in the order they are set but you might wish to start with a subject where you feel confident and which you can work through fairly quickly. But avoid hopping from one subject to another, you'll waste time and you may end up missing questions. Personally, I did it methodically, and it's much smarter that way.

2. Don't panic if you hit some difficult questions, you can probably get as many as 30 or 40 questions incorrect on each paper and still pass the exam. Which ought to make you feel better. Me?, I like certainty. Just back yourself and soldier on through.

3. Ethics in study session 1 is an important topic, if you are a marginal candidate your ethics score could be the deciding factor whether you pass the exam. Study Ethics: it's infuriating because it's the one section that you can never be quite certain off. I thought I failed it and according to the break down I was in the top quartile.

4. There is no penalty for getting an answer incorrect, so if you don't know the answer eliminate any obviously wrong answers and guess which one is correct.

5. Mark questions in the exam booklet when you are not sure of the answer or where the calculation needs checking and come back to them when you have finished all the other questions.

6. Do not get distracted by a question that does not make sense, if the question turns out to be ambiguous then it will be excluded when it comes to grading the paper. Do not also get distracted by any pretty women in the vicinity. Imagine that they are all vampires and will kill you if you donot pass this exam. 

7. Read the questions carefully, particularly when there is a negative statement in the question. They can get tricky. Practice reading the questions. Practice reading the questions. Did I mention how you should practice reading the questions? 

8. Leave time to check your answers on the answer sheet, be careful you don't miss answering a question. Seriously. Go over your sheet the minute you think your done and review the questions that you weren't sure about.

9. Lunch break: I'm not sure about other testing centres but the food at Regent Plaza was both expensive and terrible, not to mention pure badly concocted junk food. Bring food from home if you can, brown bread, boiled eggs, salad. I went for multiple cans of Red bull. Lots of it. I shouldn't have (I know this but I'm a glutton for punishment). I was very lucky I used the bathroom before I went into the exam for round 2. Do not consume vast amounts of liquids. Imagine that they are are pure acid and will collapse your intestines & stomach should you consumer more than a mere palm full.

10. Testing Policies: Know where your center is: Some cities may have multiple centres. Karachi, didn't but make sure you know where yours is. Have your multiple HB pencils, sharpner, spare calculater, eraser, Government Issued ID ready to go. here are the relevent CFA testing policies

11. Don't Study during the lunch break. Remember, you may be on adrenaline but your brain is very taxed by the 3 hour morning session. relax, talk to friends, if you are so inclined talk to a few of the cute girls (there are few girls taking the exam in the first place; so it may be cute girl.). Donot talk to anyone about the exam. It serves no purpose.

12. Don't stress: Everyone will love you just as much no matter what the result. It's an exam, not your life. You can take Level 1 in Both June and December as opposed to Level 2 & 3 which are held annually in June. So if you don't pass, know that you can take the exam again 6 months later with a higher statistical probablility of passing.


Here are some useful links that actually served as a template for this post

http://www.cfainstitute.org/
http://www.complore.com/tips-cfa-level-1-exam-day
http://www.ehow.com/how_2079031_pass-cfa-exam-level-1.html
http://www.collegeboard.com/student/plan/boost-your-skills/10296.html
http://www.investopedia.com/articles/professionaleducation/07/CFAexam.asp