Farmers Against Agricultural Taxation Standing United (F.A.A.T.S.U)

DON'T TAX ME BRO!

To be a farmer in Pakistan is to reside in a financial paradise. You have government subsidized irrigation and electricity, your output has set government funded support prices ensuring healthy dependable profits (Thank you Pasco!)...particularly since the guys setting the prices are the farmers themselves.....and in a country of a 170 million hungry mouths, demand is never a problem. Career and profitability wise, life is good.

Because talking just got harder.....

Now, it has been well documented (by most of my professors and lady friends) that my mind tends to wander off (mind you, it rarely comes back in a sane state), and on such an occasion I contemplated a scenario where the noted hard hitting, hard talking, and soft drinking BBC show Hard Talk's Tim Sebastian ....would actually interview these esteemed group farmers, over their lack of taxable income. Farmers in Pakistan pay nil tax.

They call me Sebastian. Tim Sebastian. Like the Sex Symbol. Which also happens to be Me.

Note: Sorry Stephen Sackur, every time I see you, I think of much needed hair implants and Donald Trump's vagina. It's nothing personal. I just can't take your weirdly pitched voice seriously.

Stephen 'Everyone makes fun of my name' Sackur

The topic of discussion is a farm tax to help pay for the damages caused by the floods. Needless to say, the Farming community is not happy with such a scenario. Simply because once we start taxing agriculture even a little bit, they can tax it again later. Which is the real doomsday scenario. Hence, the creation of FAATSU! Farmers Against Agricultural Taxation Stand United! A league dedicated to the preservation of Farmers rights from breaking the law (that is not paying taxes) by simply not allowing agri-taxes to be put into play.

This is how my day dream went.

If we were rich, wouldn't we be using tractors?

Nice Glib talk on the state of the agricultural economy of Pakistan. Tenth Largest Output in the world, biggest source of employment blah blah, who cares. We get it. It's important, just like every other agricultural economy on the planet.

Tim Sebastian AKA Harder Talk: So Mr. Wack'em Vedera, It is FAATSU's position that this proposed farm tax is unfair, why do you feel that the farming community should continue to be exempt from paying taxes, as the government scrambles for sources of revenues? 

Wack'em Vedera: I am off the belief that our taxation system should not punish the poor. It may not seem it to you, but I am a poor man, even a 1% tax is too much of a hardship on me (he proclaims as he wipes the sweat off his forehead with his Solid Gold Rollex watch.)

%$#%$#$ I SAID GROW WEED NOT WHEAT!

I and the rest of the FAATSUs do much good for the country, we sow crops that people eat...well, we don't personally do it, but the guys that work for us do! Personally, I even collect Zakat from my employees, I am such an subservient muslim that I adjust and increase the amount every year for inflation, so by my last count I collect 68% of my workers salary and that goes straight to Charity.

Harder Talk with Classy British Cockney Accent: That's a rather tidy sum, How is that spent? Do you deposit it with the government or donate it to a foundation? Can you provide documentation to such effect?

Wack'em Vedera: No,no, those organizations are full of wasteful scoundrels, I take a trip every year with my family to perform Hajj (religious pilgrimage), and we stop by in Spain on the way, last year it was very tough, I had to sell some of my workers, their livers, kidney's and their first borns to raise funds for the Bentley I rented. RENTED. Naturally I can provide receipts for the hotels, flights, etc...the prostitutes might be tricky, those poor girls were Scottish after all, didn't understand a word of the Queens English.

Do you realize how mercilessly the Rich Zamindaars (Land Lords) mocked me when they realized I was renting as opposed to buying and then crashing it into a strip club like my family has done for generations? ooh, the shame. I was profoundly embarrassed, I shamed my village. Next year I'll have to buy two Bentley's and an F-16 just to get back on even footing. And my village will know pride again!

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Harder Talk: You don't seem to be making any sacrifices, you took an opulent trip to Spain before going for an equally luxurious religious pilgrimage. What do you say to those, who contend that you are taking advantage of the sacrifices of your people and essentially manipulating them?

They called Regan the Great Communicator: They call us the Great Provider

Wack'em Vedera: Gora Saeeen (White Sir) That is completely ludicrious, I pride myself on the sacrifices I constantly make for my people, when my daughter got married the villagers from all over the region put a bit of money together, so naturally we didn't want to offend them and we ordered Mithai...from Switzerland, and ate the entire shipment....in one sitting! We didn't share it with them or anything. It's been 6 months and I still have the taste of Swiss Chocolates out of my mouth. I don't even like sweets, I'm diabetic. but for the love of my people I gulped down every bar of brandy filled chocolate till I felt closer to God.

I don't slur, I slam down the beat yo!

Harder Talk: You mean drunk

We're Number One, We're Number One!

Wack'em Vedera: No, I mean closer to God, I couldn't even remember what happened the next morning. But I remember that through the haze I felt Almighty Allah's presence demanding that I take care of my people so I did!

Harder Talk:  What did you do?

Wack'em Vedera: Two things, firstly I gathered the closest several thousand people and had them build a sand castle city (Always wanted to be on Ripleys Believe it or Not) and secondly, in order to support the flood victims, I threw a flood relief party, it was a high class affair, the elite of elite were there. Almost 15 people showed up for a night of frivolity, Shakira performed, and I can tell you, her hips certainly don't lie.

We had Gordon Ramsay cook some Tikkas in a savory cockroach sauce, it was lovely. Inspirational even. Completely worth the very reasonable 1000 pounds a plate that it cost.

Harder Talk: How much money were you able to from this glorified party fundraiser?

Wack'em Vedera: Well, we actually ended up losing money, I never went to school, so my accounting skills were never good, I always believed that one ought to leave the Math to God. but I think it's important that we at least showed up and made our voices heard. Now all those rich people will feel shamed into doing their part, and it's all because of us! All hail FAATSUS!

Harder Talk: You must be joking.

Wack'em Vedera: I'm not, I even remember one of the guests telling the Playboy Bunny Models

Malnourished Women

how he had more than enough sugar to be all of her friends Sugar Daddy.

Harder Talk: How is that Charity?

Wack'em Vedera: Have you seen how thin those poor girls are? They probably eat once a week. They are very needy. See he's going to give them free sugar, and we all know how expensive sugar has become, though that's because of the crazy Nauruans; Have you seen how fat they all are?  Besides, I think we've all agreed that our next benefit will be dedicated to those poor girls.

Nauru: Fattest People in the World. Respekt!

Harder Talk: I think I'm going to be sick. You're all unbelievably delusional not to mention insane.

Wack'em Vedera: Don't mention it, we're all just humble servants of our people. We strive to set an example for the coming generations on how survive in the midst of poverty. Would you like a crumpet, I just had it flown in from some quaint little island called Monaco, have you heard of it?

Shit, Now what? This takes forever to grow.

 The End.

EID! EID!....oh Miserable Eid.

Now, I'm usually the sort of guy who is all for anything resembling a holiday, hell, I even get excited during half-work days (cheap thrills, I realize), so a four day Eid weekend should theoretically be celebrated with a gusto bordering on a three day Depeche Mode rave at the Play boy mansion...or a Pakistan sports team actually winning something*; it's been a while, I can go either way.

*Aisam Ul Haq; "Second Place is First Loser"

There is just something about THIS Eid, that didn't sit well with me. Whether it's the flood victims, incompetent corrupt officials, cricket scandals, or the lack of world peace (apparently really matters to all the Miss World Candidates; how can I not support their passion?)

I used to like Eid as a kid, the (theoretically) cool gifts, envelopes theoretically full of money and everyone lining up to tell you how great you are (thankfully that aspect hasn't changed). Now that the shoe is on the other foot (Damn having to Grow Up!), I'm rather less enthralled by the process.

Maybe one should get stacks of 5 rupee notes and give them out 100 bucks at a time. It'll look way cooler and keep the Hounds off my trail....particularly as my strategy entails throwing the said notes up in the air like a Baller at a Casino. 

Everyone is chasing you for money (by chasing, I mean chasing you down); Whether it's little rabid children, to whom you are only loosely related to, or the local sweepers who feel totally justified in banging your door down all day to ask for Eidhi (after all, after a year of neglect they finally cleaned your street the previous month); everyone who sees you is just excited to augment Eid Cash Hoardings.

Now I know I shouldn't mind, I make decent money and get a fair amount of cash for Eid, but something about the expectation of doling out dough that annoys and ruins the gift giving act to me. Particular when it erupts into a dollar denominated tsunami of who collected or gave more Eidhi; personally I'd rather stay in the former category, but alas more wishful thinking on my part (did I mention how awesome world peace is?).

Itchy Brand New Clothes: I am a terrible shopper. The only new clothes I've bought since I've come back to Pakistan are office shirts (I look very snazzy thank you very much). I really don't need yet another Eid occasion Shalwar kameez that has to suffer my complete awkwardness.

Odds are I won't wear it for the rest of the year. Sadly, it's almost always the kind that makes my body shake like a fire ant attack.I never get into that 'breaking it in' phase. I'm a waste of a good overpriced Shalwar Kameez.

Women tend to take Eid to a whole new level of wardrobe hell. how many Naked Sheep have they left in their wake I can only imagine..... There is winter wear, wedding wear, summer wear and Eid wear. Eid is twice a year and lasts a combined total of less than a week. And let's not pretend they judge each other like they were on America's Satan's Next Top Model.

Graveyard: I understand that it's important to pay one's respect to the dead, but it seems odd to go from somber grieving to the Desi equivalent of a house party. Who came up with that?

Eid Prayers: I and every other Muslim male (Fair occasion Muslims or otherwise) wake up earlier on Eid than on any typical work day (going to bed at 3am because of Chaand Raat doesn't help matters either). How does that come under the definition of a holiday?

Last I checked holidays were for sleeping in. Since Eid gives the mosque it's largest (incidently most apathetic) annual audience, the resident Cleric feels obligated to treat us all with the longest sermon humanly possible at 7 am in the morning. He calls it providing guidance, I call it Cheap Disposable Eidhi.

Germs: We are a country that strongly believes in the romantic ideals of Personal Space. On Eid, you hug everyone in sight and shake their hands like they cured cancer. If by some miracle you didn't get sick during ramzan, during Eid it's definitely a miracle if you don't catch something from the barbarian horde of germ swapping huggers.

If anyone has a hugging fetish, celebrating Eid naturally fits the bill. Why someone doesn't take the day off and set up a street stall selling Sanitizer is beyond me.

City Tour: I love Karachi, but just because I love my city doesn't mean I enjoy the scenic jaunts to slums like North Nazimabad (just kidding, I hate it because it's far). On a holiday, I rather stay at home or go somewhere that's well....fun. Egregious notion on my part, I realize. Maybe next year I'll get a tour bus...or just invest in a GPS. 

Mithai Overload: I love Sawwayya (vermicelli noodles) as much as the next Pakistani, infact I often thought I could eat an entire Harry Potter Cauldron full of the stuff.

However, wishful thinking translated into my male testosterone compelling me to try (read succeed) to finish the vat. But by my 7th innappropriately large bowl I realize that I may have both clogged my arteries and ravaged my taste buds to such an extent that they could hardly differentiate between munching an apple and consuming toxic waste.

Now, if there really is a sugar shortage (I'm all about the Zionists being behind everything) and has accordingly become obscenely expensive, then why is everyone being loaded up with enough sugar to inflict diabetes to a 5 year old. I'm confident that if we skip Eid for a year, we'll have enough sugar to last a few sweet tea enfused decades.

Over eating: You spend the entire holy month of Ramadan being famished; you don't eat all day, your stomach accordingly compresses and shrinks to the size of a baby fist; and then we decide that we should celebrate the imbalance by eating enough food to feed a family of elephants......every hour or so.

There is nothing worse than stuffing one's post fasting pea pod of a stomach with an insane variety and quantity of  food at iftaari; then Eid comes along and I'm reminded that atleast during Ramadan, it's acceptable to stop eating without offending the world in general.It's not what do you want to eat, it becomes a how much can someone charmingly jam down your throat without causing a leech splattering tummy explosion. 

Mehndi: That CRAP STINKS! It's poop colored muck that its odd patterns all over a girls hands and arms. How does that connect to festivity??? Is their a mud wrestling extravaganza that I'm not invited to? And what's with the bangles? All I hear about how flimsy they are and how they keep breaking after the first 35 hugs of the day!

Usually, when Eid comes around, we think of the things we want, be it treats, or an assortment of cool gifts, and hey maybe even that electronic extravagence that you had been saving up for. I'm no different, but for some strange reason I didn't want an Eid complete with a shiny new phone or a riddiculously awesome TV (I wouldn't say no), I wanted something that I know that I wouldn't get.

I really wanted some Pakistani Leaders that aren't charismatically flawed pieces of stinking horse shit. That would make me strikingly happy and make it feel a bit more like something worth celebrating.....for everyone.

Oh yeah, Belated Eid Mubarak/Rosh Hashana/Holidays Peeps!

Congratulations, we can totally do the opposite of what we were supposed to be doing in Ramzan without feeling like abnormally bad Muslims. The whole wasting my time on useless activities was really getting to me.

Proof that Hip Computer Literate Clerics Exist: The Truth is Out There....Waaaay Out There

Council of Man: Man Made Movement!

Pakistani’s need a new kind of political force to sweep the nation, (not another sycophantic NGO or dissident party), I think it's time for a party that will represent MEN. I'd like to introduce The Man Made Movement (MMM), not to be confused with the dissident Jamaat Islami offshoot ‘Majalis and Maulanas Rock Movement’.

The Party shall be run by the Council of Man; Members are to include Movie Star Shaan, Rocker Ali Noor, Cricketer Shahid Afridi, Celebrity George Clooney, Golfer/Womanizer Tiger Woods and PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt. I nominate myself as communications director and the Chief Councilor of MMM (CM).

Our official symbol will be the Man Salute (Borat style High Five, followed by chest bump) to be recognized as the official symbol for Peace, Love and Brotherhood. We are also willing to undertake the risk of Swine flu and other diseases spreading exponentially, which would increase pharmaceutical firms share price and hence attract foreign investors.

In an innovative new concept, our parliamentary votes will openly be for sale, probably via E-bay. A significant percentage of the revenues will be used for the upliftment of men, the remaining portion is expected to stimulate the entertainment sector's contribution to the western notion of 'Bachelor Parties'....we also recommend Las Vegas trips....strongly.

There seems to be outrage over parliamentarians entitled perks, we feel that this needs to be corrected immediately and the PR be turned over to the MMM communications staff. The MMM advocates a position where all of the various perks such as Free Chai, Peons, Land Cruisers, Salary, Security detail, Air travel etc. This will be explained in exhaustive detail and used as part of an advertising campaign to actively recruit the youth into considering a career in politics....worked for the Armed Forces. Alternatively, bankers and other high level corporate positions packages can be revealed and vilified through the media.

Men’s Rights Bills;

There seem to be a lot of bills floating around for Women, I think men ought to get in on the action as well. After all, we vote too!!!

Men's Anti-Violence Bill; where forcing men to roam bazaars with women is deemed an affront to a man's emotional condition. We recommend Lassi treatments.

Battered Men bill; for men who are beaten by their wives. The men will be sentenced to bootcamp/prison for 6 months and will emerge as a Desi version of Rambo, complete with Vedera moustache and long range chalia spitting skills.

Man-ic depression to be recognized as a medical problem and special vacation leaves will be established (men love holidays); if women get maternity leave, so should guys....guys know how exhausting it is to work fulltime, manage their wives and their children all at the same time. We deserve some time off…preferably away in Dubai.

Establishment of a Man Rehabilitation Centre: A man exclusive treatment centre, Guys will be retaught the basics of fight club, how to watch cricket, smoke a Sheesha, blow smoke rings and curse like a man, be proficient in Kabbaddi, beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and be conditioned not to cry. For extra fees, complete emotional detachment courses will also be covered. We propose the location to be near an all girls college.

WORK PLACE:

We advocate a permanent 5 day work week, working 6 days a week is highly annoying, though we are mindful of the fact that women feel that they live in perpetual a 7 day work week. We feel that if MMM is successful in procuring an extra day off Pakistan’s largely male workforce will increase their productivity, be less irritable, enhance their family communication skills and help out more in the house work.....maybe...

FOREIGN POLICY:

Influence on Foreign Policy: High Fives being the way the President and other high level diplomats meet foreign leaders, it'll make Pakistan seem cooler to our allies and we'll get more foreign aid money; “Aw shucks, I had to give them the USD 5 billion Aid Package, he high fived me and let us have the meeting at a golf course, those Pakistani dudes is awesome.”

We also propose giving the United States and other key Allies fake keys to the nuclear arsenal. If they ever try accessing it, we can blame the Indian Locksmith we used.

SPORTS:

We all want seats on the parliamentary committee for sport. And free tickets to sporting events, yes, it's corrupt, but we are okay with it.  In exchange the party guarantees support any legislation related to religious morality. Quid pro quo.  

Sponsor and Host the first ever Man Olympics; Burping, farting and Eating contests, as well as tests of endurance of who can watch sports for the longest time without falling asleep. Events such as long distance spitting and arm wrestling are also under consideration. We conservatively project revenues from sponsorship, tourism and participation fees to be in the billions.

Holidays on all major and minor sporting occasions coupled with guarantees of no load shedding during sporting events. If we fail to support our national teams via television viewer ship ratings then we are indeed Un Patriotic Pakistani and our players have every reason to fix matches.

MISC:

World Peace bill: because we are international like that and demanding Peace is good inane politics. Precocious amount of blame will be leveled at Zionist scum for political pandering purposes.

A National What Up Day! A day celebrating ‘what up’, this will not just be for guys, but everyone. Every Pakistani citizen will be legally ‘encouraged’ (Anti-Terrorism Police and Rangers will be in charge of enforcement) to say what up to each other and give each other high fives, this will not only increase our tourism revenue.

More man space in shopping malls; Gaming Arcades, Kabaddi rings, indoor football and cricket space are to be incenticized. Men get bored in such consumer based environments and feel very pathetic following our womenfolk around (we can't let them go out alone, otherwise that might compromise their morality and our manliness).

Put the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on every TV channel by law. It is also recommended that a Cleric be found who is willing to proclaim the show is totally halal.

Abolish drug usage rights, grow, manufacture, export and tax. If this is not possible, the Council of Men is willing to compromise on a wide ranging subsidy on Glue. Trade with the Netherlands should increase by several billion dollars annually.

The Party promises to work for subsidies on foreign electronic equipment like big screen Tv's, Play stations and Cars (No Mini Coopers or any feminine looking cars; Proof of manliness required….like a copious number of cup-holders and ashtrays)

LEGAL;

Outlaw 4 marriages. Please. We can't do it anymore. The potential nagging, the whole 'if your tired of this wife, get another one, God lets you have 4' .....The law was made hundreds of year ago!!!! What the hell did we or the last 20 generations of men have to do about it? We only defend it because we want to be good Muslims. How many men do personally know who have more than one wife? Seriously. 

We demand that women be given as many rights as legally permissible, if for no other reason than to end their incessant whining. They whine less, we can enjoy our cricket matches and TV shows in peace....that is of course until they imagine something else to whine about.

The Big Idea.

The truth is that men want women to have their rights as well, but when the realm of religion versus vague traditions and political practicality come into play, we are typically at a loss to explain why, because it’s considered bad form to argue with ones elders and we have no desire to irritate the Almighty. So relax, and watch the MMM take over!

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