To My Baby Niece

Dear Child Who Has Yet To Be Officially Named

Happy 'Birth' day Congratulations on being Born....some 9 hours ago! and even greater congratulations on having me as your Uncle. I wish I could have been there in Toronto when you decided to make your presence felt in this world, but life isn't fair. And I wish it was and that I could tell you that we brought you in a world where it was, where everyone was good, and fair, but it isn't. However, for now, that's not something you ought to be concerned about...hell, if I had a cogent thought when I was your age, I'm sure it'd be along the lines of asking the nurse where the hell my water bed went?

I'm sure you're all confused with the whole being born thing, the bright lights (don't worry, they'll adjust, but if you want to re-live that sensation then there is this great place called Las Vegas), complete strangers fawning over you and telling you how much they love you and how cute you look (considering your tremendous gene pool, I suggest you get used to it) and lastly not understanding a speck of what is going on (don't worry, most of it will be religious rites that you won't care about till you have your own bundles of joy...assuming you want a few).

The reason I'm writing this note isn't to tell you about how great I am, or for you to obey your family at all times (I'm sure they wouldn't mind), it's to pass on little bits of knowledge that I'd wish I had when I was..well, newly born, trying to figure out this loud odd ball, water bedless world of ours.

You can get away with anything. You will always be cute and utterly precious to us (congratulations, you have an automatic family battalion well into the dozens), but right now, whether you spit, gargle, poop, urinate, vomit or even salivate our of your hands, we don't care, we'll even think some of it's cute...until we call your mommy to clean it up. You can do all the crazy things you want and get away with it, I don't even think they even prosecute cute babies for murder. Though, we'd prefer it if you took all the jostling, nap time interruptions in relatively good cheer. We'll love you no matter what, however, the spillage chaos is frowned upon the older you get. You'll also find that odd baby voice that everyone talks to you in will become extraordinarily annoying.

Little boys can be mean, if they are every mean to you, you either mace spray them (I'm sending you a carton with baby hand appropriate sized spray cans) or tell them that they have cooties and it means that they are going to die. It'll work at least the first few times, little boys are stupid...and they actually don't get much better. What everyone says, friend or family will seem like a big deal to you, remember that words are mostly verbal sewage, don't take them seriously and know that you have the Uncles to make anyone who annoys you very sorry. But if you can learn to forgive and forget/get even, then that's even better.

Smile all the time, nothing makes anyone happier than seeing a baby smile, if Hitler (don't worry, you'll learn about him eventually) spent more time around smiling babies as opposed to starving ones, the world would be a better place. If you'd spend less time crying, that would be nice too, your Mom will be juggling her various responsibilities like an acrobat on steroid medication.

Name recognition; it's going to take you a few years to get a hang of all the names of everyone, don't feel bad, it doesn't really matter. Hell, I can barely still keep track of half of family's names; it get's hazy into second cousins region. When in doubt, ask your Mom or better yet, Grandma. But get used to meeting people who know your name and can regale you with stories about cute acts of infant-ness you performed. You won't remember, trust me. Just take their prodding in cheer.

You won't be having much other than smelly mush and breast milk for a while, just roll with it and trust as when we say that you'll need teeth for all the good stuff (oh, yeah, teething ain't fun either). You may think it's a good idea to play with your food, which is find, but kindly limit your projectile range to your food bowl, it'll make clean up easier...and yes, none of us want to try the carrot mush anymore than you do.

Enjoy the free range pooping and peeing privileges, eventually those are going to end; you're going to have to give up the pampers and take care of yourself like everyone else. In the mean time, enjoy the rare sensation of knowing that you don't have to miss a second of your favorite show just to use the bathroom.

You're beautiful and we love you no matter what anyone else says, we don't care if you decide to grow an extra foot or decide that dread locks are the way to go. You are family and family loves each other unequivocally with such a resolute absoluteness that you won't find anywhere else. If you do, then congratulations, you've met your best friend.

Did I mention how much we love you, and that you're going to be the best loved baby the world have seen.... since your Aunt?

Take care of your Mom and Dad

I Love you very much and I always will.

Murtaza Mamoo (Uncle)

PS: If your first words can be Murtaza Mamoo, that would be great.

EID! EID!....oh Miserable Eid.

Now, I'm usually the sort of guy who is all for anything resembling a holiday, hell, I even get excited during half-work days (cheap thrills, I realize), so a four day Eid weekend should theoretically be celebrated with a gusto bordering on a three day Depeche Mode rave at the Play boy mansion...or a Pakistan sports team actually winning something*; it's been a while, I can go either way.

*Aisam Ul Haq; "Second Place is First Loser"

There is just something about THIS Eid, that didn't sit well with me. Whether it's the flood victims, incompetent corrupt officials, cricket scandals, or the lack of world peace (apparently really matters to all the Miss World Candidates; how can I not support their passion?)

I used to like Eid as a kid, the (theoretically) cool gifts, envelopes theoretically full of money and everyone lining up to tell you how great you are (thankfully that aspect hasn't changed). Now that the shoe is on the other foot (Damn having to Grow Up!), I'm rather less enthralled by the process.

Maybe one should get stacks of 5 rupee notes and give them out 100 bucks at a time. It'll look way cooler and keep the Hounds off my trail....particularly as my strategy entails throwing the said notes up in the air like a Baller at a Casino. 

Everyone is chasing you for money (by chasing, I mean chasing you down); Whether it's little rabid children, to whom you are only loosely related to, or the local sweepers who feel totally justified in banging your door down all day to ask for Eidhi (after all, after a year of neglect they finally cleaned your street the previous month); everyone who sees you is just excited to augment Eid Cash Hoardings.

Now I know I shouldn't mind, I make decent money and get a fair amount of cash for Eid, but something about the expectation of doling out dough that annoys and ruins the gift giving act to me. Particular when it erupts into a dollar denominated tsunami of who collected or gave more Eidhi; personally I'd rather stay in the former category, but alas more wishful thinking on my part (did I mention how awesome world peace is?).

Itchy Brand New Clothes: I am a terrible shopper. The only new clothes I've bought since I've come back to Pakistan are office shirts (I look very snazzy thank you very much). I really don't need yet another Eid occasion Shalwar kameez that has to suffer my complete awkwardness.

Odds are I won't wear it for the rest of the year. Sadly, it's almost always the kind that makes my body shake like a fire ant attack.I never get into that 'breaking it in' phase. I'm a waste of a good overpriced Shalwar Kameez.

Women tend to take Eid to a whole new level of wardrobe hell. how many Naked Sheep have they left in their wake I can only imagine..... There is winter wear, wedding wear, summer wear and Eid wear. Eid is twice a year and lasts a combined total of less than a week. And let's not pretend they judge each other like they were on America's Satan's Next Top Model.

Graveyard: I understand that it's important to pay one's respect to the dead, but it seems odd to go from somber grieving to the Desi equivalent of a house party. Who came up with that?

Eid Prayers: I and every other Muslim male (Fair occasion Muslims or otherwise) wake up earlier on Eid than on any typical work day (going to bed at 3am because of Chaand Raat doesn't help matters either). How does that come under the definition of a holiday?

Last I checked holidays were for sleeping in. Since Eid gives the mosque it's largest (incidently most apathetic) annual audience, the resident Cleric feels obligated to treat us all with the longest sermon humanly possible at 7 am in the morning. He calls it providing guidance, I call it Cheap Disposable Eidhi.

Germs: We are a country that strongly believes in the romantic ideals of Personal Space. On Eid, you hug everyone in sight and shake their hands like they cured cancer. If by some miracle you didn't get sick during ramzan, during Eid it's definitely a miracle if you don't catch something from the barbarian horde of germ swapping huggers.

If anyone has a hugging fetish, celebrating Eid naturally fits the bill. Why someone doesn't take the day off and set up a street stall selling Sanitizer is beyond me.

City Tour: I love Karachi, but just because I love my city doesn't mean I enjoy the scenic jaunts to slums like North Nazimabad (just kidding, I hate it because it's far). On a holiday, I rather stay at home or go somewhere that's well....fun. Egregious notion on my part, I realize. Maybe next year I'll get a tour bus...or just invest in a GPS. 

Mithai Overload: I love Sawwayya (vermicelli noodles) as much as the next Pakistani, infact I often thought I could eat an entire Harry Potter Cauldron full of the stuff.

However, wishful thinking translated into my male testosterone compelling me to try (read succeed) to finish the vat. But by my 7th innappropriately large bowl I realize that I may have both clogged my arteries and ravaged my taste buds to such an extent that they could hardly differentiate between munching an apple and consuming toxic waste.

Now, if there really is a sugar shortage (I'm all about the Zionists being behind everything) and has accordingly become obscenely expensive, then why is everyone being loaded up with enough sugar to inflict diabetes to a 5 year old. I'm confident that if we skip Eid for a year, we'll have enough sugar to last a few sweet tea enfused decades.

Over eating: You spend the entire holy month of Ramadan being famished; you don't eat all day, your stomach accordingly compresses and shrinks to the size of a baby fist; and then we decide that we should celebrate the imbalance by eating enough food to feed a family of elephants......every hour or so.

There is nothing worse than stuffing one's post fasting pea pod of a stomach with an insane variety and quantity of  food at iftaari; then Eid comes along and I'm reminded that atleast during Ramadan, it's acceptable to stop eating without offending the world in general.It's not what do you want to eat, it becomes a how much can someone charmingly jam down your throat without causing a leech splattering tummy explosion. 

Mehndi: That CRAP STINKS! It's poop colored muck that its odd patterns all over a girls hands and arms. How does that connect to festivity??? Is their a mud wrestling extravaganza that I'm not invited to? And what's with the bangles? All I hear about how flimsy they are and how they keep breaking after the first 35 hugs of the day!

Usually, when Eid comes around, we think of the things we want, be it treats, or an assortment of cool gifts, and hey maybe even that electronic extravagence that you had been saving up for. I'm no different, but for some strange reason I didn't want an Eid complete with a shiny new phone or a riddiculously awesome TV (I wouldn't say no), I wanted something that I know that I wouldn't get.

I really wanted some Pakistani Leaders that aren't charismatically flawed pieces of stinking horse shit. That would make me strikingly happy and make it feel a bit more like something worth celebrating.....for everyone.

Oh yeah, Belated Eid Mubarak/Rosh Hashana/Holidays Peeps!

Congratulations, we can totally do the opposite of what we were supposed to be doing in Ramzan without feeling like abnormally bad Muslims. The whole wasting my time on useless activities was really getting to me.

Proof that Hip Computer Literate Clerics Exist: The Truth is Out There....Waaaay Out There

Why Women Rule!...Seriously.

Why I Wrote This:

There seems to be a misconception that I've created that I hate all women, that women are terribly creatures and just plain 5 million varieties of awful. Now that's actually not true, I think women are the cornerstone of a society.

If you want to evaluate how progressive and ultimately successful a country will be, one should see how women in that realm are treated. Be it Japan, China, Wider Europe, Canada and the USA, women are the ones who drive growth, whether it's in small businesses or in job creation.

If a Nation relies on only men, it will never be working at more than 50% of it's potential. If a country wants to be great, it needs to let women contribute; it's a good thing that they are will and able.

1. Women Do It All: Women build families, and in many cases they have to balance their family life with their work life with a great deal of poise. I firmly believe that women are more productive during work hours because they know they have responsibilities after work, whether it's child care or family obligations. So they get their tasks complete within the allotted time, so they don't  have to sit late and mess around youtube during the work day. One that note, check this awesome video I found here.

2. Educated Women = Educated Families: If education is the silver bullet, then women are the Fully loaded machine gun firing off that silver bullet. If you educate a man, you educate a man, if you educate a woman, you educate her entire family; the next generation. And lets face it, since women spend a good chunk of their day with the kids, the better educated they are, the more likely and able they will be to help the kid out with his homework. Educated Moms + Whiny Child = Homework actually getting done well enough that kid won't Fail.

3. Online all the Time: Women are fully functional at all hours of the day. From the minute they get up in the morning to get the kids ready, make breakfast etc till they nod off in bed after a hard days work and home management, women are excellent at not only multi-tasking, but getting things done. It makes them great, and a truly enviable asset to have in our lives.

4. Women Make Men Better: Men if left to our own devices would be nothing more than hedonistic play boys hell bent on extracting as much fun out of life as possible....which is not necessarily a bad thing, just very shallow and self serving. Women have an unerring ability to focus men, to make them better than they ever thought that they could be. In some cases they um...'inspire' wholesale drastically needed changes, that men need. A lot of guy's strive to be better because they want to be worthy of that pretty face, it may feel superficial, but guys are willing to do it.

5. Women Strive To Be Better: Women actively combat societal norms for the very simple human reason that they are not fair. Guys are willing to find innovative ways to make the system work for them, but if women don't find that system to be fair, they find ways to go about changing it, whether it is through passive aggressiveness or simply going out and doing it. They act as our moral conscious when it's not convenient for us. And as men, we like convenience...which is why invented the 'remote control' for our TV's and 'Lazy Boys'.

6. Women Will Never Be Fully Appreciated: It's sad but true, after all the things that women do for men, we can never ever no matter what we do, truly appreciate them. A man can never fully appreciate what a girl goes through, and try as we might through glib conjectures (Guilty as charged), we will never completely understand the horrors of the female condition, the burdens and limitations society happily shackles them with. It's a wonder than women haven't killed off all the men yet and just used sperm banks to keep the human race going. Bloody Decent Of You All.

In The End:

Women are IT. They are everything, no society could function without women and no man can live happily without them. Which is why you have all male prisons. They get cable TV and perhaps some cheetos, but they are completely cut off from the opposite sex. Why? Because even with the head aches, women just make mens lives just plain better. Thanks a lot God.

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).