Saturday, April 3, 2010

Gangsters: The Poster Boys For Efficient Governance!

Why I Wrote This:

I Loved the Godfather (All of them, though the first stands out), and the truth is that men typically do, every man has a Don Corleone part of him and loves the uncompromising principled approach of the Mob Bosses depicted in the Movies.

It was in my Don Corleone mindset and general thoughts about gangsters that I had a eureka moment. I know exactly who we can blame Pakistan's culture of corruption, back dealing, etc on......Mario Puzo (Author of the Godfather book) and Martin Scorcese (Director of the Godfather Movie). 

Now I am of the belief that Pakistani politicans in their younger days saw the Godfather and loved it as much as I did and promised themselves that, that was who they want to grow up and be like. Now imitation is the best form of flattery, so maybe we can place the blame of Pakistan contunuing descent into the abyss of corruption and poor governance on younger Zardari's, Sharifs, Altaf Hussains watching the 'Godfather'. But the problem is, that imitation is still imitation. You need the real deal, and unfortunately, these guys are in fact amateurs....the nut jobs even have a T-Shirts made.... WTF, ever heard of Omerta or plausible deniability....

With increasingly irate frequency I am repeatedly informed (with the strongest possibly authority) that 'Pakistan is run by a punch of amateur Gangsters', now I normally nod, smile and count the seconds in which the tirade finally ends (and I typically do) with the added emphasis that we need to kill all of these political divas and replace them with either some obscure separatist group or some 'good honest people' (who may as well be a separatist group). However, having expended some gray matter on the issue, I'm made some important conclusions.

I've derived the great folly of our ways....we don't need to just eliminate the gangsters and replace them with honest folk, we just needed to replace these amateurs with truly professional mob bosses.

Now I realize how silly (yet brilliant) this sounds but bear with me;

Excellent Legislative Records: All of their laws are passed and implemented immediately. Minimal time is spent haggling over the details. With their kind of efficiency all things are possible, even unjust ones. You ask a guy and he gets it done. No mess, no public haggling or pathetic pandering. Things get done ASAP.

Fewer Press Leaks: More often than any one would like, there are breaches of security and the media leaks information citing un-named sources. Under a professionally Mobster run administration these would drastically  fall.The press corps may have to reduce their newspapers number of pages as they run out of dumb quotes from 'Senior government officials', so it's a win win situation really. As it is the press is getting a bit big for their boots....saving Pakistan with the expression of ideas, free though and information...bah. A starving educated man is just as hungry as a starving uneducated man. 

Money Makers: Say what you will about their methods, but Gangsters run highly Profitable enterprises. They not only keep a healthy profit margin but deliver a superior product. They are also highly innovative and find practical solutions to problems; we expect these to continue. If professional mobsters were in charge of the country, they'd definitely find creative effective way in 'encouraging' the local tax defaulting citizenry to pay their taxes.

Revenue are Just like Taxes: The only differences is that the mafia makes sure you pay them. This will lessen the burden on richer salary paid Pakistanis who are almost entirely responsible for keeping the country afloat. Hey Mr. 'I'm just a poor farmer', stuff that opium up your A$$ because the Mafia is going to tax & collect....

Swift justice: The Godfather is really Chuck Norris. He Kills in His Sleep (Note: Chuck Norris doesn't sleep...he waits) ...he's also never been seen with a gun...why?...Because he is Chuck Norris.

Family Style Loans: The Banking system is generally obsessed with the concept of 'collateral' needed, just 'friendship' and services to be rendered later. Gangsters take care of their friends with whatever they need, they understand the value of friendship and the bonds of brotherhood etc. And it's because they know that they'll get paid back one way or another.

We really do need to start thinking of the government as our extended family. There whenever we need them...minus the F**K ups. A Mafioso run society is a well cared for society. 

Personal Liberties: The mobs stay the hell out of peoples personal lives, no judging or preaching time in parliament...I call it efficient. No wasting time in other peoples personal matters or feeling that they have the moral duty to speak to the people and pass resolutions promoting good morals....MORONS, DO YOUR DAMN CLUSTER FUCKING JOBS!!!

Less Corruption: lower amounts of corruption within organizitation because ppl are afraid of being caught and dying versus the status quo of pat the hand with stacks of money (or pat on the back), or a lengthy court appeal. Justice must be Fair, Brutal and Swift

Meritocracy Rules: No more lip service to meritocracy. Let the gangsters in and it'll always be the most capable ones that'll get promoted. Mafia's don't care as much about your family as they do in your ability to get shit done. Extra chances for promotion based on ability to either be a lawyer or use fire arms.

Better Security: It Freaking Works. Unlike the govt system, if you pay protection money, you will be kept safe without incurring other fees like private security guards, insurance, alarm systems, Rocket launchers etc

Enforce International 'We Have Deal': When they make a promise they tend to keep it...particularly if the other side has a bigger gun. Since all gang related agreements consist on shaking hands, nodding and perhaps a trip to the local bordello, the paper work reduction alone will save us billions in administration expenses, not to mention the benefit to the environment. The Trees Love and Appreciate you Godfathers.

Coalition of the Effective: Now I imagine how difficult this is to implement, but luckily we'll have a great deal of support from functional organizations all over the world. We can send SOS to the warlords of Eastern Europe, Drug King Pins of Columbia, Cambodia and Mexico and the scions of American society (don't be fooled, they were all original gangsters)....and now, they are just the Rich Man's Mafia.

The Yakuza, and other mobster organizations will also start placing their 'wealth' in Pakistan. And we will become the Switzerland of South Asia. We'll all get RICH BIATCH!!!

The Big Idea:

We are already hostage to a series of incompetant corrupt individual, though we are certainly allowed our 'freedoms' (to a large degree), but I feel that most of us would be happy to limit those 'liberties' in exchange for competent governance, as corrupt as they may be. Atleast they get things done. 

Jefferson once said that 'A society that is willing to give up liberty for the sake of security deserves neither security nor liberty'. But the question I tend to ask is, what is the point of individual liberties without the safety to indulge in the pursuit of happiness.

But screw that, we want it all. 


Anonymous said...

I don't know about your posts Murtaza. I'm reluctant to venture a critism about style because it's so personal. I've always loved your posts, really loved them, but *drawing deep breath* do you think it possible that you might be stuck in a stylistic rut. Your posts seem to follow the same form recently. You were lovely enough to give me advice recently about a possible direction for my posts - could I say to you, 'write a polemical essay rather than the point by point form you use at the moment'. There I did it. I would love you to do a more straightforward piece expressing your views more directly rather than in the elliptical style you use at the moment. I'm not saying give up this style, just vary it.
It's a powerful ending. Does the Jefferson quote end 'and will lose both'?

Anonymous said...

Hey, Murtaza. I'm missing you! What happened? Love, Alec

Alpha Za said...

Dear Alec: Thank you for the advice,I know it's because you care and I want to assure you that I don't take offense.

I'll see what I come up with, straightforward seems like a new tact. ;)

Jefferson was a wise chap.

Sonia said...

Its good to be back from tiring vacation.

My family does not let me watch such movies, so after reading your blog I have the flavor now... enjoyed it a lot.

Liberty without security is no liberty.

Alpha Za said...

@ Sonia: Thank you for your comment, I'm glad you appreciated it. I think you should ask your family to reconsider their attitudes towards gangster movies, they have great educational value.

I think the question boils down to how much liberty are you willing to give up for security. In Pakistan, we appear to be willing to give up a lot.

Hope you enjoyed your vacation!