Wednesday, February 24, 2010

It Ain't Easy Being a Man

Why I Wrote This: 

I've been often informed what tragically difficult lives women lead, from being genetically forced to bear children (do the math on the marriage rate if you couldn't), cultural pressure, inequality etc, now, this annoys me, particularly if it doesn't actually apply to you and just like to just because it's fashionable to whine about it, because at some point in the future you expect yourself to be tormented by societies expectation. I get it, it's not cake walk being a girl, but lets clear something up, join the freaking club; it's no easier being a guy.

I doubt most/any women will agree with me (Mankind; losing arguments against women since Adam & Eve "why don't you just try  the apple? small bite"), but guys have our own set of problems;

Show me the Money (or at least tell me how much you make):  There is a huge concern by all parties (particularly match making Aunties) on how much of it we make. That's our damn business. Period.

Now some guy's are comfortable talking about their monthly 6 figure salaries, but it's a freaking recession for god's sake, it seems like really bad form. Going forward, post marriage, this exacerbates even further; It's a man responsibility to make the dough, if a women decides to bring in a nice chunk of change, then that's great, but ultimately it's the guys duty

For the very practical reason that if and God willing when a couple decide to have kids, the loss of the female partners salary shouldn't drastically hurt their standard of living. If it dips in the slightest, then it's the man's fault and he's culturally skewered for it.

Perfect Partner Syndrome; Girl's like to talk about the pressure they are under to get married and find the right guy. Join the club, for guy's the stakes are much higher. In Pakistan, when a couple gets married, the couple usually move into the guy's family home (tradition rather than necessity, unless you are a broke young couple). A wife seems a lot less perfect when she live in family home than they do if the couple simply lived in a different zip code. 

If it's a 'love' marriage, then hell, it's a diplomatic catastrophe waiting to happen. Because the guy will always be blamed for not bringing home an appropriate girl. Try placating your own mother and partner at the same time without taking sides, whilst living in the family home...I dare you. 

Job Pains: Job: If a guy has a boring, repetitive job, he ought to smile and bear it; to add insult to injury, he's made to feel that he's not working hard enough to find something better, on the other hand if a woman has a boring repetitive job its exploitation.

Lord help a guy if he tries to defend why women make less than men; it’s because you (married women) took 3 years off to have kids, you need to be home at a certain hour to be with the kids and employers are perpetually scared that any day now you are going to get up, get married and then quit (after she has used all of her paid leaves, and blame it on family pressure). Note: Can someone please explain me why there isn’t enough money left over from a ladies salary to pay for domestic staff? 

Career Orientations: Women don't have careers, they have hobbies, guys on the other hand are expected to have career goals. Plenty of women quit their 9-5's once they get married, or in the very least when they have children, a guy has no way out. Trust me, a lot of guys I know would love to wake up late mornings, yell at the sweeper for being lazy and then take an afternoon nap, but we don't get that option. 

Workplace Competition: Women rights activists lament how few women there are in the workplaces, now as true as that may be guys have a different spectrum of expectations; men compete with other men for position and growth, for women, there is no pressure to succeed, at best they get to kill time, make a good salary and find a man. 

If a women comes in, does well and gets promoted ahead of an similarly qualified guy, that’s equal opportunity; and that’s quite nice and all, the office might be treated to some cake. If a guy gets promoted ahead of a girl, it’s favoritism, nepotism and unfairism. We’d be lucky to get a Congrats card and a high five out of it.

Errands & odd jobs: Does 'can you grab the laundry, fix the tap and bring the pile of bricks indoor' sound familiar, well if your a guy you've heard some version of this exploitation. Even though a guy will (eventually) do it, in our heard we're screaming, why can't you grab the laundry? Do I look like a plumber? And what part of I have a slipped disk in my back did you not understand and can you please tell me why we bought a pile of bricks? In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s taking advantage of her. In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s the asshole who is taking advantage of her.

Women who make couple oriented decisions without men are liberated, men who make decisions without consulting their partners are chauvinistic. Go Figure. I guess we’ll continue to grim and bear it (worked so far). 

Acting Pain Vacant: men are never allowed to express pain, if they do, they are labeled as wimps. When a guy cuts his hand, he is required to profess that he feels no pain, needs no medical attention, and that it's nothing......For the love of God his hand is bleeding, there is blood every where and if he doesn't get a bandage, some pain killers and a Smoothie he's going to pass out. 

Guy feel pain, since we're obligated to act tough, it makes it awfully difficult to cheerily proclaim that it happens all the time and it doesn't hurt at all....really.....When women give birth, are they expected to extol how the pain is non-existent? No, the doctor shoots them up with as many drugs as legally permissible, and still it sounds like the delivery room has a collection of dying banshees

What do we Own: Guys are judged by their watches, suits, wallets, car's, houses and their (preferably offshore) bank accounts. 

Women are judged on their (preferably hot) looks and clothes, even if you factor in the cost of drastic plastic 'corrective' surgery, which do you is tougher to accumulate and is more superficial.  
With the growing trend of Pre-Nups, it's almost like it's like guys are being audited for a reverse long-term prostitution contract. 'So if we stay together 3 years and have 2 kids you owe me 12 million a month'. Lovely.  

Dating Women Expenditures: For men it is a privilege to pay for a date, and that should always remain true. But unless you are making serious bank, having to take your girl friend to upscale snob restaurants like Aqua Lounge and Okra on a weekly basis gets extraordinarily expensive, unless your family shits money. 

Shopping expeditions is a whole different story, if we're dragged along, it's not for advice (we're obligated to say, you look good in anything sweetie), it's to tactfully pick up the bill bill and pretend that we really really want to. When guy’s see a girl shopping bill, we see a potential X-box down the drain.

The Big Idea:  It sucks being a guy just as much as it does a girl, society judges in many of they ways that they do women. And to be honest, we’re okay for that, it’s the price we pay for being men. We’ll grim, bear it and pretend that it’s no burden at all. And to be honest, it should be hard, but if society & women in particular can make our lives a little bit easier, that would be wonderful. We’d return the favor. 

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article is printed with great reluctance on

I'm Tiger 'F**king' Woods

Warning: Extreme Profanity! (Just so you know that your kids will love it too).

Tiger Woods just released a very lame statement about how he's sorry and hopefully regain his fans (by fans he means sponsors) support back. I'm frankly disappointed, I expected the Tiger to come out swinging. I can't see how he in his presumably drunk, heavily medicated state would really, unload all the crap. For starters, find me a single sane lawyer who can argue that Tiger Woods is legally obligated to act in an appropriate faithful manner. Slavery is Over. 

If the man wants to cheat on his wife, with multiple combinations of gorgeous women and abuse narcotics, freaking let him. If you're golfer, do you think your chance of beating Tiger gets better when he's high or when he's sober. Destroy the man's professional pride and that'll hurt more than any media feces avalanche you can come up with. 

Now I recreated the Pre-press briefing strategy meetings in my head. 

So this is how I think prep camp went:

PR Asskisser: So Tiger, are you ready to run through the speech we gave you.

Tiger Woods: yeah, I left that at the strip club, but don't worry, I know exactly what I need to say.

PR Asskisser:  but...but we agreed on a script Mr. Woods, perhaps I can go back to the club and get your copy complete with the notes you made?

Tiger Woods: Doubtful, I jammed the paper up some Eastern European hotties anus, Kandi Kebab or something. 

PR Feminsta: Jesus Christ, that dimwit is High as Air Force one. 

Tiger Woods: I'm not high yet, but give me 30 minutes and I'll be banging Alice in Wonderland. 

PR Asskisser: Maybe we should let him do a run through to see how he does, after all, he's Tiger Woods, the man shits gold bricks under pressure.

Tiger Woods: Hot Ladies & Gentle fuckwads, thank you for being here; though I'm not exactly sure why the hell you leeches came, probably because shit like Iraq, Haiti, Health Care don't matter for shit anymore, but in fact think that the biggest story of the decade is the location of my huge swinging penis and the collateral damage it's caused to my marriage, not to mention vagina's everywhere. Thanks a lot, and to show you that no hard feeling, I'm going to bang your wives, daughters, hell even your grand mother is going to get a little Tiger. 

PR Asskisser: Uh, Tiger, I don't think you should say that. They are pissed that you pretended to be Family man awesome, the super hero of the ideal family man.   

Tiger woods (ignore him and keep going): So lets clear up a few things, firstly, the rumours are true, I'm huge, like a whale but on a tiny man's body. If you want proof ask those gold digging whores all looking for some quick bucks, never pick women off street corners....damn I should really just bang married women from now on.

PR Feminista: yeah, like how about your own wife.

Tiger Woods: bitch, watch your mouth. Those are the lips that kiss my kids good night. Besides, have you ever seen a woman give birth, because I have, and after you see your model wife poop on the flipping delivery table your attitude towards banging her goes a whole different way. 

PR Chief Ass Kisser: C'mon Tiger, if you want to get back on the tour, you gotta apologize.

Tiger Woods: To who exactly, I am Tiger Woods, I made Golf, I'm bigger than golf, fuck, my penis is bigger than all of the golfers put together. But hey guys, the news your all waiting for! I will eventually return to the tour, whenever, I god damn please, and don't freaking expects any interviews, and if you are wondering why I from time to time hook the ball and it smacks right into your head through the camera lens with pin point accuracy, say my name douche bag, it's Tiger Fucking Woods!. 

If I'm deemed too inappropriate for the tour, I'll still tag along maybe not to play, but to do my own sex tour, lets just say I'll still be shooting 18 holes a day in a competitive environment.

As it is, finding women on a fucking golf course is tough enough, can you imagine how much tougher it'll be to get away from my wife and minders. Game on. Be a Tiger.

PR Chief Ass Kisser: Good job Tiger, quote your sponsors!

Tiger Woods: To my fellow professional and yet largely unsuccessful golf pros, The only reason you little skanky shits are up in arms about this is because your utterly jealousy of me. I made Golf cool, and you know that the next generation of multi racial golfers are going to whup your prep school asses. You look to the future and see nothing but empty trophy closets, wearing Tyre shop sponsored sweaters and crappy Indian made golf clubs....Indian's don't even play golf you cheap fucks. And the kicker is that you are all going to remain completely broke ass. Suck on that.  You silly shits are an embarrassment to any profession. 

But hey I can't blame you mostly white elitist snobs. You lost Baseball & Soccer to Latinos, Basketball & Football to African Americans, and now you have to wake up every morning knowing a super half Asian half black hybrid is beating the pants off every white man on the tour, and that if their wives are blonde and hot, you can bet your bottom nickel that Tiger will be spending a lot of time practicing on their putting green.

Tiger: They say I have sex addiction, that's bull shit. All guys would be addicted to sex if they could get as many bimbos as I could, I'll bet you a billion freaking dollars, that women are the ones who came up with the sex addiction rap to justify their cheating husband. 

I am the Hugh Hefner of Golf. That wuss has to tell people that he's Hugh Hefner, I got laid in the damn middle east, do you know how hard it is to get laid there? But I did, take that Hugh, you old wrinkly skinned bum fuck.

PR Asskisser: Tiger, that's not going to work, Play boy actually wants to sign an endorsement deal with you.  

Tiger Woods: Hey I have an idea, why don't I just walk into the room, high five everyone and then leave without saying a word. 

PR Feminista: You read the speech we gave you and I'll blow you later. 

Tiger Woods: I'll read the speech and you do whatever disgusting thing I want, I'm paying for that new Armani suit you skank. 

(Tiger reads the actual speech, sheds some tears, gets laid and lives happily ever

The End

To see my last Tiger Woods Post: Click here

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Inaccurate Story of How We Were Paid Off

Has anyone wondered why Pakistan, a deeply religious country, is allied with the United States; the chief exporters of convenient looking democracies? and instead of talking about the usual BS about moral imperatives and global securities, I decided to take a crack at truthful and all that.

Money makes the world go round, round, round. And it's a principle that certainly applies to us. It's harder to buy people who have principles, rather than people who have swiss bank account bursting with space. We don't elect national leaders, we elect politicians, who have their own best interests at heart, when they coincide with the Pakistani people, it's highly fortuitous, but mostly, justifying it and spreading the wealth through their well paid militias.....I mean political activists. To be fair, when they spend their cash on sweet homes and fancy rides, that does do something for the public scenery.

We were paid off. Plain and simple. Pakistan's elite classes; the military, civil service, politicians, etc, may all enjoy a fairly western array of tastes and style, but the overarching nature is overtly conservative to the point of fundamentalist Islam. Practically, it plays well with the electorate to quote the Qurans (it's easy enough to ignore acting on it), particularly when your country's name is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

How it Started: Military Rule

Zia ul Haq (Z-Man), Pakistan's Islam obsessed military dictator in the 80's, ruled for a solid decade and made Islamic idealism, the key feature of his blue print for Pakistan; it justified his actions, his military support in Afghanistan (why the Russian, didn't tramp on into Pakistan for a cool Murree brew is beyond me).

Z-Man channeled support to the Afghan cause by fueling religious sentiment. this is hardly an innovative ploy, but he was praise worthily effective. As part of his re-invention on Pakistan, he took that generation of Pakistani's and inculcated them with a sweeping Islamic doctrine (You can't mess with God's Law, particularly if your masses are illiterate), and we are still paying for it. All of Pakistan's modern day political head honchos (it makes me cringe to call them leaders), are by-products of that era. No new influential, democratic political voice has emerged since then.

However, at the time, this was extremely pragmatic. We were promised enough money to build a house and burn ourselves in it. The US funded the Afghani Mujahideen, and Pakistan was it's strategic ally/errand boy.
So we felt compelled to gorge ourselves on as much money as our US allowance could support (and then some). Corruption was rampant, but it was nothing new. In fact, we were oddly okay with it. A religious war was being fought after all.

When the Afghan conflict ended with the Russian troop pull out, Pakistan lost it's strategic importance as the gulf war rose into prominence and became the new battle ground.

In essence, Pakistan was laid off, contract up, with no unemployment benefits. It sucked to be us, and we had to continue managing the remnants of the Afghan problem, having only theMujahideen as our only tool, we big brothered in a crazy conservative Islamic regime with highly ascetic tastes. It appealed to the whole Islamic Republic of Pakistan image we had going.

I'm actually pretty convinced I know how that policy came into Pakistan, all strategic policy decisions are made on a lush Golf Course in Islamabad.

Corp Commander Anus: Hey guys, I'm really sorry for being late, my chopper took off late, because Colonel butt face started prayers early for some cool khutba (sermon) he heard from some Saudi Royalist, Osama something, one those Bin Laden boys....they went on forever.

Brigadier Butt: Ugh, those guys are such illiterate nut jobs, for the love of god they wasted so many missiles because they couldn't read the damn instructions on the Stingers Rocket Launchers. And then they have the nerve look at Afghanistan and see an Islamic victory, don't the realize that the 'infidels' are the ones who funded their suicidal crap. Hell, even the turbans they're wearing have labels that say 'Made in the USA', what the hell do they think that is, United Shambles of Algeria. bloody imbeciles.

General Cuntwalla: Yeah, that freaking General 'I Love the Quran' and his minions, they are always talking about Islamic piety and it's really freaking annoying, I hate to break it to that retard, but that Quran is Israeli made; they were simply cheaper. After a hard day, or well, even during a not so hard one, I really enjoy my glass of scotch (high fives are exchanged across the green), and so what if I do,go mind your own god damn business. What the Fuck difference does it make to their lives, if I'm plastered. It's not like we have nukes. ooh, I wish we could get rid of those assholes.

Corp Commander Anus: Say, I have an idea, why don't we send those cluster fucks to Afghanistan, it' s in pretty shitty state, and I can't find anyone who wants to be stationed there, there isn't a brewery for miles. They can go and live there, see how pious they'll feel after that hell hole. haha.

General Cuntwalla: Brilliant.

Brigadier Butt: Good Show, when should we tell the President.

Corp Commander Anus: eh, no need, he'll probably be replaced in a few weeks anyway, which reminds me, do any of you guys know anyone who want's to be the President? or maybe even the Cricket board chairman?

General Cuntwalla: By jove, I'll do the Cricket thing, I love getting smashed with those boys.

Golf Game Resumes

Shit Happens: Like the 90's & 9/11

That is until the late 90's when we officially became a nuclear power. whoopdee freaking doo. Because sanctions were the last thing we needed. After the sitting Prime Minister was overthrown in a military coup, we continued to remain on the fringes. Then 9/11 happened.

Our natural allies in Afghanistan refused to hand over Osama Bin Laden and the rest is history (well in the making). How no one questions the insanity of going to war over the hand over of a single person is beyond me.

But atleast the Afghan's had principles and couldn't be bought anyone. In many Islamic traditions, a guest is to be honored and protected, no matter what the cost. It's a pity that so many Afghans had to pay with their innocence, their lively hoods and their lives. I can also bet you all of the money in my (empty) pocket, that they'd do the same all over again.

What did Pakistan do? Well, it was a happy day, after all, 'We were called into Service!', the military government was given legitimacy and a fistful of dollars were thrust into our greasy palms, complete with a speech on historic allies (it brought tears to my eyes...really).

As expected we gratefully accepted. Money in the Bank (even if it was money ending up in foreign accounts, but I'm not hating on corrupt officials right now).

We Are Still At It: The Mathematics of Consistency

Fast forward the better part of a decade, we're still on the payroll of the US government. New President (well, not really), same old policy. Got to love the consistency.

If left to their own devices (assuming that they are not already), government intelligence agencies and Pakistan's military would much rather be finding ways to co-exist with the 'Taliban'. For the love of god, they are Pakistani citizens (whether we like to admit it or not). And no humane person would condone widespread military action against it's own people, unless it was out of necessity. Here is the kicker. It really isn't.

How do you make a fairly Islamic looking fellow do your bidding. You buy him off, with more money than his limited imagination can take. Once that is done, he'll have set his price, and you'll know what it'll cost you. The problem arises when you breed a groups of individuals who believein the doctrine.

Then you have a problem you cannot control. In some cases you can hide them away, send them to India and pretend that they don't exist, but the truth is that they are out there and they always will be.

I'm sure some were created as an extreme counter balance to the decades long regime of institutional corruption. This doesn't make them good or bad, but it makes them committed to the Death. Herein lies the problem. You can't create religious Zealots and take away their cause without killing them. Even if you do, your just as likely to further their cause by devoting money, personnel and blood in order to do so.

On a strategic basis, for a country like say Pakistan, this makes utter sense, once you create them and let them loose in say...Afghanistan, you can indefinitely force Nato troops to camp out there. Highly advantageous, particularly when your country, in this case Pakistan, remains loyal....and flush with cash....indefinitely.

These Islamic Fundamentalist Nazis, were not created in a vacuum, they were carefully groomed to fight in Afghanistan, Kashmir and India. Turns out they don't like being told what to do, particularly as they've been on an extended power trip post US invasion, and they've noticed the liquor cabinets; No compromises, just principles (incidentally messed up ones).

There goal isn't creating an Islamic Pakistan, it's a turf war, it's a case of 'you get out of our hood, and we'll get out of yours'. But we (Pakistani forces) can't do that, because we're still in the employ of Pentagon.

So now now we are being paid to blast our own people out of oblivion...and we call the Taliban the terrorist. At least they believe in their principles, while all we've consistently believed in the almighty dollar. Fantastic. They pay in blood for what we did for Money.

How does this end? Well, it doesn't, not until hard line Islamists gain legitimate power and placate the nut jobs. Think it's unlikely that the people responsible for murder might get elected. It happened in Nepal. Maoist rebels are now in government with the Monarchy loyalists. Go figure, everyone needs to get paid off. I guess the moral of the story is that causes die down, the crusades only went on for as long as they did because the trade routes were profitable.

Money still makes the world go round, round, round.

News Flash: Men are Not Stupid!!!

I hate to break to all the women in the world, but men are not stupid, boorish or simply clueless (well, 90% of the time). But I will say that women are highly complex creatures blessed with tremendous faculties that allow for a great deal of lateral, in depth thinking, most which men are highly unlikely to ever understand let alone appreciate. But the truth is, that Men
aren't as limited as Women like to believe.

I understand it is in man kinds interest to perpetuate this myth, if for any other reason than it is highly convenient. The lower expectations are, the easier it is for guys to meet them (All in the interests of continuing the species). I also firmly believe it acts as a useful coping mechanism for women to justify a guys behavior.

Myth 1: Men Do Not Listen:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do listen, we also tend throw away bits of information that are irrelevant to our more immediate concerns and interests. It's not that we don't want to hear everything women have to say, we do, and we do try to, but after repeated inane detailed driven information overloads, our brain categorizes certain data as superfluous and deletes them.

A man may remember during his courtship that his future wife's favourite flowers are lily's, but have no clue by the eve of their first anniversary. Ever wonder why a man will never expect his partner to remember random details about his day, it's because think its irrelevant. Say what you will, but we are consistent.

Myth 2: Men are Calender Averse:

Highly untrue, ask any straight man and he can tell you the exact date and time of the next world cup final as well as the team's preseason friendly schedule. Women take severe issue with men forgetting birthdays, anniversaries etc, however, it's because women put a tremendous store of value into certain occasions.

Men don't dress up and plan their weddings as children, they may pretend that they are Sporting superstars and hence our interest in sports, but we don't have the same deep rooted appreciation for the same dates that women do.

For some guys, marriage is the day they stopped being the baller to end all ballers, and became a husband, a life partner responsible for the happiness of a union, throw in some added family pressure it's akin to waking up with a sack of bricks permanently attached to one's head. But we do it anyway. If that's not love, I dunno what is.

Myth 3: Men are Immature:

Men are not immature, we have adolescent habits that prove to be extremely confusing to women, but its because once we like something, we are pretty happy to continue doing them. No man I know who is hooked on video games or sports started playing when he was well into his 30's, once we develop an interest, we are consistent about adhering to them. One would think that women would appreciate this quality in men, however once those interests include womanizing, once can see why a gal would want a chap to change.

The root of the matter is that men suck at change, we like our youthful carefree selves and love doing the same things in our 30's that we did in our teens, it makes us feel cool. Perhaps, its sad and really does make men immature, but I took a poll and all of us agree that as long as it brings no direct harm to our partner, its totally fine. (One of my friends missed dinner with his fiance's parents because he was in the middle of his Football fantasy draft picks (he's 36 years old), in his defense, he did win).

Myth 4: Men are Terrible Communicators:

The truth is that we are very direct communicators, we don't have the desire to recount every detail of our day, we also are highly environmentally conscious and find using scare oxygen unnecessarily to be a huge environmental faux paux.

On a more serious note, men typically say what they mean and are very good at compressing tonnes of conversational material, deleting the inappropriate bits and concisely explain themselves. We say what we mean, and prefer to stick with it rather than overload others with superfluous information which doesn't directly pertain to them.

Myth 5: Men do not Feel:

This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing feelings. This is 100% down to how men are socialized, we are taught to compress our emotions and bury them under as many layers of feces as we can find. Some men choose to drown their feelings, typically in collaboration with their friends Jack, Jose and Jim (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean).

Emotional self-expression is considered a useless trait for many men, in fact it is frowned upon; Grim and bear it, male kids are told to stop crying, girls are allowed to cope by expressing themselves, go figure. A part of being a man, is having a sense of stoic control; solely carrying the burden of responsibility no matter how heavy that may be. It's what we are taught, it's what we see and most importantly it how we function.

Just because men don't express emotions doesn't mean we don't feel. Women can enjoy figure skating competitions, yet not know how to skate. Men express their emotions through their actions; providing for their loved ones, giving that leads to concrete measurable results. We do as we feel, lip service isn't a by product we're comfortable with. So judge men by their actions, not necessarily by what they are able to say. It'll make a lot more sense.

Myth 5: Men are Insensitive to their Spouses Feelings

Men don't understand why small things have such large emotional implications on their spouses, nor do they particularly care. That's actually a lie, we do care, but after the days 12th mini crisis, we tend to avert our mind from the attention seeking behavior and devoting less emotional miles. We don't intend on becoming completely disconnected from our partners, but we put things in a simpler perspective.

It's not the end of the world if the neighbors bought the same car that you wanted in the first place, it doesn't change your attitude to that car. If you wanted it because it's a great car, what has materially changed? In fact, you'll have someone to compare notes with in case that car gives you trouble (If you don't like your neighbors, you can always crack their hood open and snatch a few spare parts).

Myth 6: Men are Controlling and Want Controllable Women:

Women feel that men have the inherent desire to be the alpha male and control their partners; hence desire a passive mate that may not be their intellectual equal. Men don't want a partner that will always say yes or are completely under their control. It's not exciting, or what a normal guy would sign up for but on the other hand, men don't want a lass who would rather be their mother than their partner. There is a balance.

Some guys are genuinely controlling, and a girl ought to know that if he was controlling before they get together, odds are that he'll be controlling well after. To each their own.

As a general rule, Men do want a measure of control, particularly in matters that pertain to both partners, but if its something guys are not good at, we strive to pretend to know what we're doing because the truth is, that we're always trying to be better than we actually are for the women in our lives. If we are controlling, its more paternalistic than alpha male. There is a widespread view, that after marriage, the responsibility for a girl shifts from her father to her husband. This is powerful motivation to maintain control and the truth is we're scared shit less of messing up (hence why when things go bad, we just marry another chick till we get it right, Yay 4 wives rule).

Myth 7: Men Care only about Sex:

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

Myth 8: Men Prefer Hanging with the Boys:

You'd be hard pressed to find a girl who doesn't have that complaint, particularly some time into a relationship. Relationships are a crap shoot, however the one constant besides family is the guys buddies. They are tried and tested, and are the safest place for a man to unwind, talk non-sense and act like he did in his previous decade. Even post marriage, men value those relationships.

Especially as they are typically longer than the duration of the relationship. It's also important to get good man bonding time, the more we get, the less irritable we are. Now the reason why guys do sometimes prefer hanging with the boys is that we take our bonds of brother hood very seriously, we have things to talk about that girls just wouldn't want to talk about (Sports, new gadgets, cars etc). End of the day, you barely get to see your guy friends once you've been lampooned by Cupids arrow. Sometimes you need to take time of for the boys.

Myth 9: Men are Romance Clueless;

The truth is that men are more romantic than woman. Men fall in love faster (they also usually take longer to admit it), but that's to some supremely gifted genetic wiring are able to move on quicker after a breakup (Goodbye bitch, Hello girl of My Dreams!). When a man meets a woman who has a lot of qualities they like, we stop taking in new information,as far as we are concerned, we've processed the necessary information.

Which makes it harder for guys to clearly see the things that they wouldn't like about her. Put it down to short attention span, or simply the desire to make a decision and get it over with, once the basics are set, we don't sweat the small (and sometimes not so small) stuff.

Myth 10: Men are Pigs:

Men are not pigs, or see women simply as objects of visual/physical pleasure. The truth is that we are wired to appreciate attractive women, much the same way a girl is wired to try to look desirable to attract a potential mate. When it comes to women, this is easily done with progressively fewer and more shapely articles of clothing, and results in a wide appeal to a man's more carnal desires.

However, just because our eyes are drawn, doesn't mean we are actively going to cheat. In baseball terms, as much as I'd like to draft Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't because for one, it could be an expensive proposition, secondly, I'm happy with my current roster and thirdly, I think the idea would be ruined by the reality of actually having A-Rod on that company's books.

The Big Idea

Women live with in some magical dream world that you have to love everything about your mate. When there are certain habits that they don't appreciate, they add to the store of myths that women kind perpetuates. It's unhealthy and causes alot of heart ache. Chill outLadies, we Certainly do.

The cliche that you love people for their imperfections has a grain of truth to it, but it's realization that you enjoy spending time with that persons regardless of the unforseen imperfections There’s no formula for appreciating everything about someone regardless of how much we choose to love them. Everyone has their own unique and annoying little habits that we cannot totally ignore.

A man's bad habits shouldn't ruin the essence of your relationship with them. Is a guy that much worse a partner for leaving the toilet seat up? Focusing on trivial issues rather than the core of your partner could lead to constant and unnecessary worry about your compatibility. It goes without saying that you love your partner because of special qualities or characteristics that tugged at your heartstrings from the very first time. Ideally, loving every last thing about your man or woman is simply unrealistic and impossible, but as long as we continue to try to understand each other, we'll always be trying.

A version of this post has been published on

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Why I feel Sorry for Models

I have nothing against models or modeling as a profession, infact I think they provide a terrific public service, but I do have the deepest sympathy for them. 

The prance and pose in commercials, magazines, advertisements and corporate events and help set a brand's image. Wal-Mart gets their message out with Wholesome looking folk shopping at their mega stores (Due to their size, they usually need alot of models). Whilst edgier brands like Victoria Secret need drop dead gorgeous glamour gals.   

However, my sympathy is well directed to the spindly, painfully off balanced bodied Models that need to remain skinny enough to be considered acceptable by fashion gurus and media power brokers alike. 

Now, I'm not going to go into the viability or extreme pressure these girls are going through (I'm sorry, if you're a male model, you're doing it for the girls, and if your gay, your doing for the clothes). Conforming with societies expectations of models is hard enough, to be a successful model, can imagine how much of a bad girl you have to be? No longer can you just be chucked out of a club (do you know how hard it is for a hot girl to get thrown out of a club....hell some club owners would rather keep their puke as an inhouse momento rather than let them leave), but you have to be thrown out with style. 

Think being thrown out because not only did you wreck the entire VIP section (as was expected, though peeing on the walls will leave challenging stains to remove) and snort a line of oreo shaped coke off the bouncers shiny bald head, but because you defecated into the fish tank whilst taking shots with 13 year olds (Teen is the new 21). Even then, they may laugh and decide to let the fish die, throw the 13 year old bar stars out, whilst the bouncer Ebay's his scalp. 

What makes a model a model; being hot and thin. Extra skills are added bonuses, but as long as they are the reincarnation of Helen of Troy and Bambi (with less weight), they are good to go. But they have to slim down to get to where they need to be.
Now let's say, you're a model and are being advised to follow the Kate Moss's 3C's and 1V 'Rock Chic' diet, comprising of cigarrettes, coffee, champagne and vodka (I believe a substitution can be made for cocaine once the cigs stop helping). 

You're basically having an almost zero calorie intake (I think) and are being asked to function like a normal working human being.....One may say Appalling, but I say Bravo. Insanity personafied, but that is what extreme dedication is. Going the extra mile, and in a cutt throat industry like modeling, ofcourse it's going to be a little bit more extreme

I don't know how I could function at my job without my daily regimen of tea, let alone 3 square meals (btw, what food is actually square other than Wendy's burger patties?...which models will never be allowed to eat).   

People complain how models are bitchy and notoriously difficult to work with. Firstly its a numbers game, if they are mean to ten people in a day, and brighten up the lives of 4 million, then I think it's a pretty justifiable cost. Particularly as we don't really care about the ten martyrs. 

When you're eating less than you're actual body requirements, you do become dumber, the brain gets less nutrition and is less likely to function properly (or think at all for that matter). The brain barely has enough energy to remind the heart to keep beating as opposed to figuring out where Haiti is. 

Imagine if you haven't eaten ( years), you're not allowed to eat, because every ounce you put on you'retiny malnourished little frame may as well be a pound of tummy fat. Your career is directly proportionate to the success you have in losing weight and looking hot. As human beings grow older, the harder that gets. So when Kate Moss is prancing around in her 30's looking supremely modelesque, I applaud her. 

So if you see a model, give them a smile and thank them for their contribution to society, and offer them a one that beautiful ought to go hungry. 
They're starving (and hot), be Nice to them. 

End of the World: FINAL 3

Imagine if Armageddon happened tomorrow, okay, maybe you don't think it's possible, so I'll tell you how it can conceivably occur. 

An armoured tank division from India gets lost and slips into Pakistan, fearing the worst Pakistan launches nuclear strikes (we also nuke Bangladesh for good measure; 1971 retribution), In retaliation India launches their Nukes at Pakistan. Iran launches their Nukes at Israel (Jews are obviously behind everything...duh). Israel launches their Nukes at the entire Arab world. Russia and China Launch their Nukes, America Launches their nukes (Obama decides he needs to look tough in the eyes of the world and nukes redneck country) and finally the Europeans finish gobbling down their freaking Danish and get in on the action. 

North Korea attempts to launch their Nukes, but they blow up in their silos. All remaining countries who may conceivably have nukes (Venezuela, Brazil, Nigeria, South Africa etc) launch them too (Contrary to popular belief, no terrorist organization has any). Eventually, the radiation and nuclear fall out is so catastrophic that the world in a adolescent boy style state of heat. The countries not completely nuked out of existence would have mushroom cloud cover, extinguishing all life (take that Australia)  

So, now that I've made my point. Who is left. Well, obviously no ordinary human could withstand this destruction. 

The question is that who could possibly survive this immense destruction? 
God, Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris

Jack Bauer because he is in CTU and has taken special drugs to withstand all manner of destruction. We are pretty certain he's not human. He does more in a day by himself than most countries. 

Chuck Norris, because he was taking a nap on Venus, because that was the only place whose women he hadn't shagged....he was in the process of pulling Venus apart rock by rock when the attack happened. (He already tore Mars apart because of his Daddy issues). 

God is God. I'm trying to be on his good side lately. 

What would they do? 

Trash Talk; God about making the world in 7 days, Bauer talking about saving the world in 24 hours and Chuck Norris for round house kicking the devil, and still having the Devils tooth lodged in his gleaning boot. God pokes fun at Jack Bauer for saving the world from a nuclear blast...oh wait he didn't...wuss. 

Get Man Tans: Ohk, God doesn't need a tan, but since he is everywhere, he'll like the heat wave. When Chuck Norris removes his shirt, several nukes will explode off the coast of Japan, because he's so powerful. Jack Bauer will show off his bad ass scars, and when he tans, you'll see that the scars are all strategically planned to say "I banged your wife before coming here' across his chest. There is also a scar that resembles a teddy bear fused with a shark. 

Go Hunting: Who can kill the most roaches by just farting. Chuck Norris is ahead due to his love of Beans, whilst Salad loving Jack whimpers and kills only a pathetic 2.5 million rodent sized roaches. However, God gets pissed when he realizes that's the cockroaches are his only remaining creatures. 

Fight Off: God plays mediator as Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris fight to prove who the toughest is. They started fighting on Tuesday, and haven't stopped yet. Chuck was particularly pissed that after administering a gargantuan array of round house kicks, that Jack, climbed into Chuck's Ass and started beating him in their. Chuck subsequently round house kicks himself in the ass, and now his boot is stuck inside Jack Bauer's anus. Needless to say, they are both very butt sore. God finds it really funny and has decided to call the move the BauChuck pounding manoeuvre.

Target Practice: Both Jack and Chuck swallow a bunch of bullets and start shooting at Mt. Rushmore from Michigan to see who can best make Washington look like. No guns are left in the world, so the shots are fired from their only remaining weaponry....
God keeps score and occasionally makes George Washington look like Obama to mess with Jack and Chuck.

Smoke Off: Find any and all remaining carcasses (Human, Scorpion and otherwise), roll them into big blunts, and smoke them. Whilst reminiscenting about the good old days where they had fresh uranium omelets for breakfast, watered down with a cool glass of Piranha sewage water....with live Piranha still in them. 

Play Checkers: Because all the pieces have been incinerated, they use asteroids instead. God always wins....duh. So Chuck and Jack go back to fighting. For extra fun, they even take rides through black holes. 

Talk about Babes: Nothing says masculinity than recounting how many dames a guy has shagged. However, because of the awesome virility if the survivors, they recount the hot girls they hadn't shagged and never got to. 
Jack: 'Bro, that girl was going to be hot, she'll be 18 next week'
Chuck: 'Man, I follow tribal law, all they have to do is hit puberty, nice job God'
God: 'You know it, I kept telling Jesus that women are wonderful cretins, I meant creatures, but he kept putting it off; Ha, I sure taught him.'
Jack: That's cruel....yet not unsurprising.
God: I'm just messing around, though there is something to be said about Tough love, totally worked in you know how many wives he got?!
Chuck: Word...though I would have just round house kicked his ass. 


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Now, I keep hearing that the reason all of these Jihadists are so inclined on blowing themselves up is for God's ultimate reward of 72 Virgins. Now if Muslims actually believed this, there would be (a hell of a lot) more than the 40 or so suicide bombers in a year...for the love of God, there are over a Billion Muslims. 

These remarkably short life spanned chaps do it, because they are unhinged, they are morons and figure if they are going to kill themselves, they may as well get some credit for it....and say God said it was OK, so they're peeps can be proud of them and tell everyone there is a 'Welcome to Heaven' halo on their heads. Needless to say, their mental faculties are compromised (or mis-wired). But this whole concept brought a new line of questioning to my mind....

Q1. Who is the complete cluster fucking idiot who thought that seventy two virgins? 

It's from an unreliable guy, who heard it from a guy, who heard from a guy, who claimed that the Prophet said it, completely unverified and the guy has a spotty record/memory. A bunch of the sayings he attributed to Prophet Muhammad have already been disproved.....including this one.  

Q2. How did it become the epitome of God's greatest reward? 

If this imbecile is somehow still alive someone ought to take a loaded pistol, shove it up his ass, and keep pulling the trigger (remember to take the safety off!) till you hear the gun click......reload and repeat exercises. If the sewage spewing mind molester is dead, then I'm sure God's got me covered.

I have no idea beyond this. I refuse to conduct research as I believe all knowledge gathering outside of the Quran is a western conspiracy designed to cloud our pure Islamic minds. 

Ever wonder why there are so few Jihadist suicide bombers? It's very simple. It's evolution. Only the most stupid human being would think that it's a blessing to have to live and appease 72 chicks, hence, they are the morons who get to die (preferably before passing on their genes). To prove it, Islam allowed 4 wives. 

Now find me a single suicide bomber who has more than a single wife (that isn't clinically insane.... which would actually explain a lot).

Women are highly complex mind altering creatures, and the truth is that being with just one of them will cause cancer, ulcers, brain hemorrhaging, and that's before your married (if you want proof, check out Bridezillas). Now do yourself a favour and multiply that by the power of 72.  

Every man, with half a brain (or old enough to experience a relationship), has considered this, and has swiftly passed out from the potential trauma (this is why men like taking naps...we have long recovery periods). It's a completely stupid idea. 

Can imagine all the girl drama? Typical groups of girls (5-6) are bad enough, but I can't imagine what 72 virgins will do to a man psyche. Chatter, Chatter, Chatter....and you'll be the one 'impartial' mediator....Good Luck playing Daddy and Husband with the same horde of women all day (If your into that sort of thing, I doubt your in Gods goods books anyway). 

How do you explain how you love them all 72 women!!! Be careful or they'll string you up and tear you open like a pinata, although that's what you deserve for wanting such a ludicrous thing.  

Since women are the ones with the power in any relationship (it's a fact, check wikipedia), they are the ones who get to decide who gets the lucky martyr for the night....and how exactly do they do that amicably? Rock Paper Scissors? 

Forget friendly pillow fights, think more Jail house brawls. That's a dangerous collection of estrogen (a Class A felony drug if there was any), and your the only guy, but the end of your first week you'll be looking into Sex Change operations. 

Whilst one may currently be praying for 72 Virgins now, once you get them, you'll be praying for Viagra....not to mention a shot gun to blow your own brains out. 

Q3. Is this Logical?

My Logic is impeccable, if you don't believe me, check out my formula.

Step 1. Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Step 2. Martyrdom = Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues

Step 3. Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues = Seventy Two Virgins

The Big Idea

Life is hard, living the life of a good person (let alone Muslim) is hard. 
The truth is that we all, in some way or the other, come short.
To kill yourself and others in the name of religion is a cop out, and one that God isn't likely to fall for.
Instead, why don't you (Cluster Fucking) Martyrs, try Living for Islam and bettering the world around you.
Even if you fail, at least you won't harm anyone and hey, you might do some Actual Good.

Monday, February 8, 2010

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The God & Suicide Bomber Story

Another day and yet another gruesome attack, this time a Shia procession and a subsequent attack at a Hospital. I can barely mourn for the dead anymore, this wave of violence has gone on for so long, than even the most squeamish amongst us has become increasingly desensitized to these attacks.

However, this time around, I can't help but lament over the nature of the targets. Military bases, government institutions, symbols of liberalism (such as co-ed schools) I can somewhat understand, perhaps in some warped way justify to myself that would make these targets tenable for the massacres inflicted.

However, when it comes to bombing a hospital, any esoteric weaving of logic I was able to do dissipates. They attacked a hospital, a place which they knew would be overflowing with the injured from Jihadist's earlier attack on the procession is simply unconscionable.

A hospital is a place of healing, regardless of who the patient is, what views they ascribe to. In fact, I doubt most hospitals even know what views (religious, political or otherwise) their patients hold. It's mindless, senseless and just brutal.

How do they know that the hospital wouldn't contain those who may actually support their agenda, it's not like they have a mailing list (the post office and computers are apparently tools of the infidel).

The isn't a war, Islamic and otherwise; its murder, plain flat and fucking simple. At the most basic level, in a war, civilian casualties are a by-product, not the goal.

Now in my pissed off state, I imagined a conversation God would have with one of these recently deceased self proclaimed 'Jihadist', I decided to call him Billy Islamacide, not only because his initials BI can also stand for butt fucked imbecile, but because the name Billy reminds me of billy goats, who are blessed with the most unfortunate scraggly facial hair and Islamacide is a good meld for mass murder using Islam as justification.

This is how I feel the story would go....

Once upon a time, there was a Suicide Bomber named Billy Islamacide, he attacked a hospital, died gloriously and went to meet God, so that he may be justly rewarded....

God: Welcome to the after life, Billy.
Billy Islamacide: Thank you my Lord, I am grateful to be here. I trust you are aware of the great sacrifices I have made in your name. I have killed many infidels and spread your glorious message of Islam, like the Prophet, his companions and missionaries before me.
God: You're not very smart Billy, I am God, I already know what you've done.
Billy: Of course, how silly of me. That's great! I imagine you must be very pleased with me!
God: Pleased doesn't quite justify how I feel.
Billy: I lived only to serve! I trust that you may be forgiving of my shortcomings. I strove to be the best Muslim I knew how to be, but I beg for your tolerance, I am imperfect.
God: Live to serve?...May I remind you that you are dead. Is Islam not a religion of tolerance?
Billy: Yes, and I have taken great pains to promulgate that message, we are extremely tolerant of those who follow the true message of Allah.
God: Billy, do you know what tolerance means?
Billy: er...sort off, but I think it's being nice to people, who don't always agree with you. For example, my homeboy Asad, I apologize for his lateness he should be here shortly, we're attacking a market tomorrow, thinks the Prophets favourite color was White, whilst I was like, haha silly boy, I am sure the Quran says that our glorious Prophets favored black, hence why the Mullahs wear black robes!
God: Prophet Muhammad's favourite color was green. He liked greenery, in fact he would water trees himself and ordered the Armies of Islam to not cut trees or cause such destruction on their war marches. As I am the one who composed the Quran, I can assure you that there is nothing in there about Prophet Muhammad's favourite color.
Billy: Oh...haha, of course, I must have misread that. Asad will find this so funny when he gets here....haha.
God: Billy, Have you read the Quran?
Billy: Of course I have, it is the most glorious perfect book in existence! In fact, its the only one I own. I burnt all the others!
God: Billy.....
Billy: Ok, I might have been stretching the truth there, I do own some issues of Play boy....
God: Billy....
Billy: Alright, Alright, I also have some issues of Butt Wild Gay Cowboys, but it was only for research purposes, you must know your enemy! and I was planning to burn them.
God: Billy, you can't read. Your followers think you can, but you don't.
Billy: Yes, my Almighty God, but in my defense I have recited and learned many verses from the Quran. Even though we were missing several holy pages, we were able to um...replace them.
God: and how was that Billy?
Billy: Well, we went into greater detail about killing fake Muslims and non-Muslims, just as you desired...
God: I did not desire it. Did your Prophet not live side by side with Jews, Christians and Idol Worshippers and treat them fairly?
Billy: Well, I don't remember reading that, but I'm sure his purpose was to eventually convert them to Islam by showing them the right path....
God: Then if that is the example he set, he allowed them free will, as is the right of every human being, why couldn't you do the same? You chose to make your point by killing your fellow man, MY CREATIONS, how is that not Murder?
Billy: It's not Murder, its Jihad! I did it for you, my Lord. I did it out of love, in hope that you would reward me! My intentions were pure. They were fake Muslims! They didn't follow your word! They deserve to die, at the very least this way they are an example for those who do not believe!
God: Your intentions were as pure as poison. What displeases me the most isn't that you killed, but you killed in my name, killed Muslims. You pretended to be a learned Islamic Cleric, whereas you hadn't fulfilled the most basic criteria. BTW, it is my prerogative to recognize who is a Muslim and who is not. If I wanted Non-Muslims dead, I would do it myself. You failed me.
Billy: But, they served as motivation to guide others to the right path and I am charitable, I fed, clothed and educated a dozen children!
God: Motivation and coercion are two different things. You stole children from their families and brain washed them with your doctrine of hate, whiles twisting my message of Love and tolerance. They was no real love, they were merely a means to an end. You intended to use them as an army of suicide bombers and you know that to be true as surely as I am God.
Billy: Are you sure your not Satan trying to play tricks on me?
God: No, but if I was, the trick I'd play was to let you think that you were getting a palace with 70 gorgeous virgins, whilst actually putting you in a dungeon with 70 rapists and murderers; All of whom are quite keen to score points with me by making you their raggedly doll bitch.

Billy: So what your saying 70 Virgins?
God: No, but I hear Satan has a pineapple strap on that he's looking to try, interestingly it's actually morphed with a porcupine and shark teeth. He sent me a picture from his I-Phone, you want to see? I even made an app for it.
Billy: God, no, please! But you're the most merciful, can't I repent somehow. Perhaps pray or compose a hip hop beat for the Quran?
God: Let me put it this way you illiterate cluster fucking idiot, if all of your victims, were willing to forgive you, which I can assure you that they are not, and even if they do, their progeny would not, you robbed them of their fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. When it's all said and done, you pissed me off, and that takes some doing as I'm a fairly temperate sort of fellow. I wouldn't forgive you for besmirching my name and committing murder. There are, and should always be, limits to my mercifulness and unfortunately for you I get to decide what they are, in fact if you used your brain and read your 'favourite book' you'd know what they were; You crossed that line with zealot like fervor and a big smile on your face. You can't be ruthless to others and expect mercy for yourself.
Billy: But....but....
God: Got to Hell (seriously, that is where you are going), and trust me, your hairy pimply butt will definitely be a focal point there.
Billy then goes to Hell
The End