Thursday, October 28, 2010

Insane Aunties: The Scourge of The Sub-Continent

We're Coming For Your Brains!.....Betas loge!

Whilst men, like myself, are quite adept at proclaiming a general lack of fear in our 'manly' endeavors to climb mountains, enter in hot dog eating contests, date our friend's sisters (just kidding...or am I?), drink milk after a substantive meal of Nihari or even drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, there is one thing that makes all desi men quake in there boot. Aunties. Crazy ones. 

I even have a complex, mathematical formula that quantitatively expresses the conundrum, in...well...loosely put....BS form. Bhai Statistical....ism...ish....stuff.

Puppies + Goldilocks + Maldivian Coffee = Darth Vader
Proof: Puppies are deceptively cute till they bite you. Goldilocks is a nasty wench who goes around sleeping in people's beds and eating their food. No one like Maldivian Coffee; because it gives you the runs. Hence, No one likes Darth Vader because he smells like Maldivan Coffee has the propensity take other peoples stuff and he's a wench. 

Darth Vader = Desi Genes
Proof: If their mothers and bosses would let them, Desi guys would own nothing else other than black clothing and talk in throaty cig-wretched voices. Can't mess with Science. 

Female Puppies = Rabies = Aunties
Puppies have rabies, since rabies rhymes with babies and Aunties have babies or call everyone baby, therefore they are just like Aunties.

Desi + Aunties = Insane Aunties   
Proof: Brown Aunties have a special skin pigment that upon coming into contact with Rabies mutates them into a Chai drinking Zombie on Ecstasy. 

Aunties + Rabies = Insane Aunites = Darth Vader = Evil
Proof: All Aunties have rabies are insane, and by virtue of being Desi are insane and do inappropriate things like Darth Vader. Like looting, pillaging, murdering, lying, stealing, coughing, war mongering, cheating (for a more complete list, refer to Star Wars). 

Hey, Pinky, we're So hip na, your son is soooo Hot!

Every Desi person is well aware of the 'Insane Aunty syndrome' that has infected our happy, peace loving society. What is surprising about this condition is that every desi women's catches it...usually in wedding halls (close proximity in tight spaces is a boon for diseases of all sorts), it just manifests in different ways. 

Women, undergoing the Insane Aunty Phase can be cured; a detox of Hajj, the Bahamas or a dearth of 'good' marriage grade girls and boys is highly recommended. As is a charity they can pretend to be a substantial part off. These infected Aunties are actually rather easy to spot, they are often observed with latest big buggy sun glasses, latest designer wear that always seems a few inches too tight, are replete with over sized bags, state of the art cell phones (which they only use to call & occasionally take picture) and the talent to spread news faster than the black plague, or more currently, denguey. 

I'm not sure what it is about Pakistan that nurtures these women, but I'm betting on a conspiracy spearheaded by the insidious European Pygmies of North Southern's a top secret the Zionists!

I'm certain off is that there is some sort of genetic disposition in sub-continental women that, at a drop of a hat, makes them turn into bat shit fucking crazy beings hell bent on ridding the world of the unmarried, and mosquitoes. not necessarily in that order. 

In Pakistani, 'Hot Aunties' is a very popular search term. In the spirit of lucidity, I'm fairly confident that a disproportional number of these childish searches are by boys (and girls, I'm broad minded like that) seeking materials of the pornographic nature (Side note: I love that I can pretend to write like an adult). I think it's the Desi equivalent to MILF or perhaps the searchers were hoping to view their favorite Insane Aunty on Fire. 

Tell Us More About This North South Slovak Consipiracy!

Now Pakistani girls in general are rather blessed in the looks department. They have what can only be described as copy right on Diva'esque 'God deems that you'll definitely get married...if you want to' body type. However, once a woman enters the Aunty stage (loosely defined at say 35, though I do know a toddler lass who prances around with an over sized hand bag, cell phone and shades large enough to protect her brain from UV rays), she tends change.  

The Visual Facts Speak for themselves

The 'it's natural to put on a few pounds' comment, turns into several...dozen... of those 'few pounds', which is fine, because that's genetics. However, Insane Aunties love to 'barely notice' and have decade long conversations about everyone else's weight except for their own; I have the feeling that lack of mirrors and being self-delusional helps. As do prescription drugs.

PS: Their Tailors are lying to them about their waists.

Gossip: Aunties are criticized for minute things like not knowing how to use the world wide web. Which is true, but the reason why is very simple. Aunties are the world wide web. Gossip spreading in an aunty circles like a plague of well... denguey. 

Once a bit of gossip gets the tiniest bit of attention, one may as well have announced it in the north pole via loudspeaker. They're getting in on Facebook too....The Millat Kind (everyone's outgrown Orkut).

Insane Aunties have an enhanced sense of smell, which they use for their sleuthing. Want to know if a girl is pregnant, ask an insane aunty and she'll give you accurate intel. One whiff. The American Drug Traffickers Association must piss in their pants every time they see one. 

In an age where most older people can't understand cell phones, Insane Aunties have some psychic relationship with their phones, they always are on it, know when it's going to ring and why. I'm betting that there is a Swedish chip tucked away in the recesses of their brains. Right next to the hypocrisy ignorer kill switch.

Women carry massive bags, that's not secret. Insane Aunties, not only carry massive bags, they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of Sugar, Ketchup, Hot Sauce Sachets, BBQ Tonight Wet Wipes, decade old receipts,....and it's no wonder why they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of 'Bootilicious'. Kill me now. 

Devious; no matter what position you take, an aunty will be able to add some insight that makes it sound like she agrees with you. before she lambasts you later in a classy bitchy way ofcourse. they call it 'being polite'. Want to create a scandal? Tell her anything....even Alien stories work.

A nation of Match Makers: In a culture where arranged marriage are the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it get's done? it's the Auntie nation coming to the fore! Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate Peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made. 

The sad thing is that as crazy and ridiculous as Insane Aunties are, leaving the youth quivering in their wake, it's these kooks that help make our lives entertaining. So as much as the grief, it's totally worth it. No one complained about the plague after they died from it did they? If you can't beat them, know that eventually you'll be genetically required to join them.

Special thanks to all Desi women that do not morph into Insane Aunties. Your contribution to the male sanity is appreciated. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fakeroids: The Annoying Zombie Plague

Intense, Crazy Wired, Hip, Retarded
Dear "Mr. My Fake Shades Make me Better than You",

You may not remember me, but fate briefly introduced us when you decided that your intake of red bull justified annoying me. I wish I could remember your name, but it's rather a blur. It's not that I didn't enjoy your fake American-British encrusted accent or your expertise in decadent frivolities (no, I didn't know that 'Rambo' center was where all the cool people hung out and my life was better for it).  I'll even go as far as to concede that I found your caffeine frothing threats to 'BBM' me from your Chinese Blueberry cell completely amusing. Fact: The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

Drinking Coffee Makes Me Cool
Now, I don't mind the average person pounding 12 Red bull cans a day, but must you insist on running up to strangers and telling us how 'Crazy Wired' you are? There is a gaping chasm to what is cool, and what is woefully pathetic. You're not on the right side of the chasm. The silly stunts don't help either. As for me, I can drink a red bull and go straight to bed.

It's wonderful to meet such wannabe cultured souls whose love for all things "Areamani" (yes you read right) define their existence, and to be with fair, half the population is illiterate. And no one can be more persistently stylish than our fashionista Fakeroids. however, it is with great regret that I must point out that most of us can tell the difference between Areamani and Armani. It's something to do with being functionally literate I imagine.

The floods have devastated people's lives ... please don't try to equate it to the misery you feel when your servant left to rebuild his waterlogged ancestral village, nor is it a particularly tasteful excuse to attend 'charity' events, primarily to complain how the rich folk aren't doing their part to help the flood victims, all whilst gulping down 375 rupee coffee (You'd magnanimously donate the 25 rupee change, of course). That's the cost of a weeks rations for a small family. If you like, I have the receipts to prove it, they may seem unfamiliar since they aren't from the high end stores (Aghas/Epcos) you're used to frequenting.

I love me some intellectual debate
The Fakeroids have deemed unemployment to be devastatingly in vogue, I mean how else would Mummy and Daddy feet utterly grateful for the delight that they are privileged enough to replenish the holy wardrobe...  Particularly when an Armani pants costs the equivalent of the country's GDP per Capita.

Indoors, Shades, Girl passed out on me. Quick. TAKE A PICTURE....Who is the $#%$# Random Guy?

With great apology, I must point out that because your esteemed plain black sequined pants (which you got from Zainab market) because they look just like the pair that Paris Hilton once wore, doesn't mean make you a fashion icon or a size zero.....and no, a corset won't help. Cutting down on the ice cream might. I'd also appreciate the opportunity to gently point out that Paris Hilton rose to fame because of things other than her sense of fashion.
Cute Pup Laden With Jewelry that's going to get it Killed
Does your dog really have to wear ruby encrusted shoes that cost as much as the annual GDP of Balochistan?I love dogs as much as the next person, which is why I encourage everyone to vote. And no, liking a politician's facebook profile because it rhymes with 'VersaCHEE' doesn't count.

Now, as much as you love to prance into Coffee houses demanding the most complex pretentious drink known to man (asking for yak milk in your cappuccino much?), the rest of the 'we're drinking our damn coffee' republic doesn't care how well traveled you are or how Pares (Um...Paris) is just like Iceland (that habit of smirking and insisting Pares that's where all Parsi's come from and that Ice was invented in Iceland gets on my nerves too). At this point, the audience at large is unlikely to be impressed by your opinions on the state of Karachi either, particular if you've never been past Hotel Metropole because it is kacha abbadi and there are no good cafe's past there.

I don't care how well you know ANY of these people. 
The Fakeroids seem to live some charmed existence, the only indication they have that there is some modicum of unrest in the city is when Espresso shuts down for the day; which translates into a calamity ofcourse. But it is certainly a lovely chance to play 'oooh the roads are empty (minus the mob) look how fast I can drive my car.'

Please don't pretend that all of your clothes are khaadi; knock offs lack a certain something....usually referred to as tags. the flimsy quality is a dead giveaway too. But don't fret, you can buy another before the color starts to run.
Just because we can tell, doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures
I would never say that my wearing original Ray Beans shades makes me better than you, I'm far too cultured and polite for that. However, if a Fakeroid insists on trying to pass off their collection of 100 rupee shades whilst expertly proclaiming that my shades are obviously fake, I must insist that they carry a receipt, warranty and a letter from the manufacturer with them at all times. Think of it as a 'put up or shut up' badge of honor.

My Mistake, you don't actually have to say 'Do you Want Fries with that' to Work at McDonalds
So, Fakeroids, be who you are, be proud of it. You think that you're a Snob, but what you really are is a bun kebab who really wants to be a wannabe burger....hell, even they don't want to claim you. Rest easy, and learn how to say 'would you like fries with that'.

And don't bug me again, my time is valuable, I actually have to work to make a living and pay taxes to ensure that others don't.

Person who'll gladly use your fake Lacoste Polo to clean his Kenneth Cole Boots

PS: You know who you are.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Limited Government = Limited Stupidity = Thumbs Up!

The Government Will Take Care of Everything.....Pinky Swear!

I don't understand the mindset behind Pro-Government interventionists. I really don't, and this is coming with a (rather charming) guy who is fairly okay with targeted socialism (by targeted, I mean give to the poor, I know, I'm a Softy Capitalist). I may be really thick (I contend that I'm not), but for arguments sake, let's say that the government intervening and actively managing society's moral conundrums is a good thing, because they're elected by the people and by having a legal responsibility to the people......But where in their job description have they suddenly inherited the titles of "Lord Protector of Morality" and "Awesome at Everything". Did we really think that we had a bunch of Bill Gates on our hands?

Those wonderful folks, both elected and serving in the Government cesspool of a bureacracy have something resembling a responsibility to the people to serve them to the best of their ability. In a purely Pakistani contest, we're better off letting them run a fruit stand, as opposed to a 170 million person country. Why? Because they don't have the damndest idea of what they are doing? Hell, I wouldn't either? After all, what do I know about running a Steel Mill?

It's disappointing really, I mean, I thought we were entering a wonderful age of specialization...or more plainly put, if Ali become awesome at one thing, Ali can be both really good at it and make better money. It's about being qualified for the jobs that you are supposed to do. 

How does prancing around in your gucci shoes in parliament and spewing the most fashionable version of a conspiracy theory qualify you to set policy, run a country and act as Nanny in Chief to a nappy overloaded nation. Hell, if you want your baby's nappies changed properly, then Do Them Your Damn you really want to deal with leaky human waste...or maybe you should just hire a professional, nappy changing maid. 

Let's say your house has a leak (not the Nappy kind), and you have both your pipes and your wiring are soaked (like so soaked, you'd get a positively Eisenstein-ian hair do if you mucked around). You're initial reaction shouldn't be to ask the most persuasive plumber to fix the electrical wiring, Why? because he's at the house and you never know, he might be a better electrician than what he's theoretically spent his entire life both training and practicing to do.

Why? Well, because he's here and since everyone in the neighborhood association decided that he's the best possible plumber for the job, he is obviously the best electrician available as well. Obviously, that same chap can manage the Pakistani Cricket Establishment.

There are days where I doubt my own Pakistani'ness. You see, I suffer from this horrible affliction that can be charitably categorized as minimal government interventionism, I really like the idea of them not getting up in my business....Why one may (quite rightfully) ask?

No where does it state that it's meant for the poor...we're all needy
Low taxes, I want low taxes so I can choose to spend more of my money in whatever way that I like. If I want to give money to a charitable organization for flood victims, that ought to be my prerogative, the government's desire to implement a flood tax or decides that it should take my tax money and subsidize an Airline (which quite frankly, services a minute slice of the populace) is folly.I don't appreciate them collecting my Zakat money either, particularly when they spend it on an executive class Hajj.

I do sympathize with the government's drawing room politics philosophy because I reluctantly recognize that most Pakistani's do live under the illusion that everything is the governments responsibility (hence fault) and that they should get involved in every aspect of a persons life that they don't agree with (varies from imbecile to imbecile).

That's the Minister's own Daughter, (and even if she wasn't it's not anyones damn business)
I keep hearing about how Pakistan would be better if we banded together as Muslims and implemented a strict shariah code across the country. I tend to wonder whose version of Shariah? Osama Bin Laden or Shahrukh Khan's? Why can't people come to terms with the fact that Muslims are a diverse bunch, full of intricacies and multiple schools of thought? And everyone is utterly convinced that they've cracked the code of what it takes to be a perfectly acceptable Muslim.

Honestly, why can't everyone just follow their own brand of Islam as opposed to feeling that it is their God given right to have the government impose their ideals on anything with a heart beat, for them. Holding the goverment responsible for making everyone to their religious line is kind of like being mad that not everyone loved 'The Hangover' (though for the record, The Hangover, is Awesome). You want to spread your faith? Be an example to others. Don't expect the government to do it for you. It's not, and shouldn't be their job. Did I mention how awesome 'The Hangover" is?  

The Hangover is Officially Awesome
I want my government to focus on the things that are the absolute essentials, like maintaining security (which they suck at), disaster management (which they also suck at), providing basic health and education services (again, which they suck at), and maybe throw in a few worthwhile tax incentive schemes for entrepreneurs and industries (people need jobs...preferably at Google...Facebook is apparently evil).

If the Gov doesn't like Facebook...make a Page about it.
I'm not advocating handouts, even though, lets face it everyone wants a handout from the government because the truth is that secretly none of us respect those irresponsible corrupt pieces of intestinal pipe that run the country. They steal our money and whine that corruption is their right and they most certainly aren't as corrupt as the last guy. No duh we can't trust them, and if they are getting their 'kickbacks', we want ours. It's human nature.

 Now, I'm all for democracy, but the idea is to elect leaders, not Overlords. But, hey, I'm willing to give it a shot. But it's be nice the government was kindly asked to express their angst in as minimal spheres of influence as possible! Maybe our government would be a tad bit more efficient if they stayed out of matters of religion, morality and bailouts.

Helping the little guy up, means someone has to stay behind.
 Why is the government the answer to everything? Their track records reeks of a regurgitation of last years breakfast....which wouldn't be so bad, except that Nihari mixed with Dairy is positively explosive. Sadly, it's just easier to place the responsibility of doing everything at their feet and blame them when things aren't hunky dory, until we can collectively own up, we'll be at that uncomfortable impasse where we blame the government rather than figuring out the solutions of our problems things ourselves.

Patriotic Only in Colors

On a purely practical level. This is what I'd do. Lump off all Public Sector Enterprises, sell off the management rights to the likes of the General Electric, Government of Singapore (It's run like a business) or any other riddiculously massive capitalist company. Reduce the number of ministries, outsource the likes of education, health, development ministries to private contractors who are all audited quarterly. Passing a 'I'm sorry for all the Fuck ups and I won't do it again" Bill would be dandy too.

Any Chance We Can Get All That Money Back?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

World's Craziest Fatwas

Some people have crazy traditions, like wearing the equivalent to skirts in the wet damp UK weather (Scots), getting married multiple times (Mormons), Having Celibate preachers (Catholics), and in Islam, well, we get crazy fatwas or the legal equivalent to Supreme Court decisions....supported by the might of a fundamentalist Army. In fact, we get these sometimes odd, mostly bemusing and utterly embarrassing religious dictation all the time and sadly, it's usually not a random bearded chap screaming for attention in Mozambique.

It's some rather well respected fellow with a prestigious sounding title. Like Grand "Boom Boom Wappa Wappa" Advisor to his Royal "but not Cooler or higher than God" Highness for Sanitary Affairs; Hence your chief hand washing and cleansing fatwa expert is born. 

So, when I found this list of utterly ridiculous excuses for religious doctrine, I realized that the only way I can make myself feel better is by sharing them and enfusing them with my own brand of.... sardonic dastardliness.

Well...I'd need to recalculate all of my Frequent Flier Miles
The Fatwa: Grand Mufti Sheikh Ibn Baaz: The Earth is Islamically Flat oh and the Sun Revolves Around the Earth
In a 2000 Fatwa titled “The Transmitted and Sensory Proofs of the Rotation of the Sun and Stillness of the Earth”, Saudi Arabian Grand 'Slam" Mufti Sheikh Ibn (I've been Baadz) Baaz asserted that the earth was flat and disk-like and that the sun revolved around it. He had insisted that satellite images to the contrary were nothing but a Western conspiracy against the Islamic world. He also believes the Columbus officially fell off the face of the earth and that Queen Isabella drafted in his twin to ensure that she didn't become the laughing stock of the flat world.

Verdict:I couldn't agree more, generations of young Muslims looking to avoid astronomy and astro physics classes can thank you. Now, I wonder if I'm allowed to use Google Earth?
Source: Al-Ahram Weekly Issue 477, 13-19 April, 2000

Rushdie showing off his arm candy; Padma Lakshmi
The Fatwa: Ayatollah Khomeini: Kill for A Book None of Us Can Should Read!
In 1988, publication of Salman Rushdie’s novel “The Satanic Verses” led Iranian revolutionary leader Ayatollah Khomeini to issue a fatwa against Rushdie, with a huge bounty for his death. This triggered several attacks on the novel’s translators, publishers and booksellers, including the murder of a Japanese translator. Millions of Muslims around the world who had never read a single line of the book, and who had never even met Rushdie before allegedly wanted him dead. The Society for the Prevention of Un Islamic writing claimed that the book was a conspiracy by the Hindu God Jabba the Charpai

Verdict: It's a terrible book, awful overreaching prose, crack pot ideas and did I mention how awful the writing was? Khomeini did us a favor. oh, I've met Rushdie: I could have been ignoring the words coming out from his mouth, but I'm sure that he essentially agreed with my evaluation of his work, funny guy btw. In terms of insulting to Islam; Dante's inferno is alot worse. 
Source: “The West Is Choked by Fear”, Der Speigel Jan 4, 2010, Henryk Broder

Please buy our clothes. It's Halal...We Promise.
The Fatwa: Malaysian National Fatwa Council: Tomboy fatwa
A University of Massachusetts study reported that girls who play sports have higher self esteem (duh, so would mine if I was better at say giving birth than a woman), and are less likely to enter (or remain in) abusive relationships. The guardians of Malaysia National Fatwa Council were obviously compelled to act!. Kuala Lumpur had a near riot when the Sisters in Islam marched against a Malaysian fatwa banning tomboys, which branded any girls who act un-ladylike as violating Islamic tenets; Obviously unemployment is a severe issue in the nation of Malaysia. Fortunately, the as-yet undefined punishment for Malaysian girls in t-shirts and jeans hasn’t been incorporated into Sharia law yet.

Verdict: Epic Fail. This was a pro skirt rally I tell you! Besides, in a perfect world, wouldn't all girls be lady like? (and gorgeous).  Can't you rent protesters in Malaysia? oh wait, that's Indonesia; oddly enough the worlds largest Muslim nation.

The Fatwa: 
Muhammad Al-Munajid: Bring Me the Head of Mickey Mouse
That’s right, somebody put on hit on Mickey Mouse. Calling Mickey “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid decreed that household mice and their cartoon cousins must be “killed in all cases”, according to the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph.
And get this—the guy’s not your average nutjob, either—Munajid used to be a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington D.C....okay, that makes him an above average nut jobs. In context; He made the remarks on Arab television network al-Majd TV after he was asked to give Islam’s teaching on mice.
But don’t worry, Mickey won’t be alone. Munajid also put a hit on Jerry from “Tom and Jerry”.

Verdict: Get the man some cheese and a therapist. I love Tom & Jerry, couldn't he have put a hit out on Count Dracula instead?


The Fatwa: 
Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth: Emoticon fatwa
I can almost get behind this one. Sure, they’re annoying, but evil? Really? Well, to a Muslim forum looking to make a name for itself—yes.
According to Muslim Internet Forum Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth, “Emoticons are forbidden because of its imitation to Allah’s creatures whether it is original or mixture or even deformed one and since the picture is the face and the face is what makes the real picture then emoticons which represent faces that express emotions then all that add up to make them Haram.” should I hide away all of my child hood drawings while I'm at it? I sucked at art.

Additionally, “A woman should not use these images when speaking to a man who is not her mahram, because these faces are used to express how she is feeling, so it is as if she is smiling, laughing, acting shy and so on, and a woman should not do that with a non-mahram man. It is only permissible for a woman to speak to men in cases of necessity, so long as that is in a public chat room and not in private......Define 'necessity'....hormones count? or a really big smiley face...

Verdict: How do they find the time to think about this crap? :-) XOXOX ;-) XOXOX :-P XOXOX :-D

The Fatwa: Football fatwa
No, not even the beautiful game is safe from stupid fatwas, then again, it is the most popular sport in the world. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan lampooned one very real edict setting out new rules for football. Reasonable demands included “do not play with 11 people like the heretics, Jews, and Christians”(I advocate Muslim teams having an extra man...we might actually win a few games), and “play in your pajamas or regular clothes (because) colored shorts and numbered T-shirts are not Muslim clothing (did I mention how math wasn't our thing?)”.

However, the most ridiculous aspect is the edict to “remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system’s despotic international rules.” Hey, just because most Muslim country's teams suck, doesn't mean we change the rules. It's not like we're special needs children.

Verdict: Don't hate the player, hate the game. Football is Awesome. Just send some Verrry liberal Islamic Missionaries to Brazil and we'll be fine. 
Source: “A Fatwa on Football”, The Guardian, Monday 31 October 2005.
Corralling in The Wives of Afghan County

The Fatwa: 
Islamicly Getting it On.
In 2007, the former dean of Islamic law at al-Azhar University in Cairo issued a fatwa that nudity during sexual intercourse invalidates a marriage between husband and wife. Suad Saleh, head of the women’s department of Al-Azhar’s Islamic studies, pleaded for sanity saying that “anything that can bring spouses closer to each other” and Islamic scholar Abdel Muti concurred, saying “Nothing is prohibited during marital sex, except of course sodomy.”

For his part, Al-Azhar’s fatwa committee chairman Abdullah Megawar backpedaled and said that married couples could see each other naked but should really cover up with a blanket during sex. He was also treated for physical self esteem issues. 

He was also very hungry

Verdict: many inappropriate jokes I could make that would book me a first class ticket straight to hell....

The Fatwa: 
Ezzat Attiya: Adult Breastfeeding in the Workplace
In May 2007, Ezzat Attiya wondered how unrelated men and women could work together in the same office, when Islam forbids men and women who aren’t married or related to be alone together. His answer: let her suckle him FIVE TIMES. Yes, that’s right, an adult female breastfeeding an adult male coworker will defuse all sexual tension in the office.

Confused? See, the female worker will now be the male worker’s foster mother, and they can be alone together anytime. Attiya’s ruling was widely mocked...well by me anyway. He was later suspended from his job, bludgeoned for outright idiocracy in Arab newspapers. He later issued a retraction saying it was a “bad interpretation of a particular case.”

Privately, green elves have informed the multiple personalities of Alpha Za that Attiya  feels he has the support to launch a World Wide Jihad for his cause. He was last seen testing this thesis in the red light district in Amsterdam.

Verdict: Someone's been watching too much porn....and needs to get over his Mommy issues. 
Source: “A Fatwa Free-for-All In the Islamic World”, New York Times, Michael Slackman, Monday, June 11, 2007.

I'm a rather understanding fellow, but even I can't publicly defend most of this. Even if some of it's out of context or just misunderstood....what the hell? Are you guys really kidding me..... Do we not already have enough of a PR disaster?

Maybe what the Muslim's need are better, less juvenile Clerics in order to have a nation of better Muslims. 

Much thanks to: