Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How to Improve Pakistan's Crappy Image

Why I Wrote This:

We seriously need to improve our PR. Our Government is horrible at it. We do dumb things and then say even dumber things whilst defending it. Seriously we need to start spinning things in a good way. So I've come up with several measures which ought to improve Pakistan's global standing, and frankly considering how much we like getting foreign aid, it's the only audience we truly care about.

1. Market Your Country Properly: No, I'm not suggesting we hawk Pakistan like it's a product, even though the idea has some merit. Hire Hot Foreign Tour Guides to travel the country and take tourists groups to Parliament. The tourists will be spell bound by our Country's scenery...and the tour guides if our selection process from the Brazilian Brothels is correct....and before you know it, they'll have no idea what the problem with Pakistan was?

Now these Imported tour guides will have many functions, like learning about Pakistan's history (our version, not India's) and on the off season (like Pakistan actually gets tourists in the first place), they can be assigned to teach in rural Pakistani schools. I can almost guarantee that male Pakistani boy's academic performance will improve exponentially, we might even have our own Albert Einstein...without the Jewishness....and bad hair.

2. Hosting Wicked Fun International Conferences: Pakistan ought to host SAARC, the UN, NATO etc (it's good manners to return the favor). Instead of the usual political correct procedural crap We can make it interesting and have all International delegations have their meetings in classy whore houses (by classy, we mean the curtains ought to be drawn).

Since most international meetings are in fact boring, tedious and full of dumb self important speeches (except to the minority of super dorks), we feel that we have much to contribute in the sphere of entertaining and learning....with emphasis on the entertaing. We ought to entertain our guest will cool social mixers, complete with exotic food, shows, Belly Dancers, Lollywood whores....I mean stars. Eventually Pakistan will be like the Play Boy mansion for foreign diplomats....Hell, we'll build them a Play boy mansion....I hear the President's house isn't really being used...Soon enough, we'll have corporate clients.

3. Women Rule Ordinances: Pass a wide ranging resolutions saying how awesome women are and how they OUGHT to have lots of rights.....it won't do anything, it's just good PR. In order to make sure the legislation passes, tie it up with some Pakistani based beauty pageants...It'll be super liberal yo!

India has won tonnes of these international 'honors', why can't we have the world no.1 most desirable wannabe slut? ...we'll even 'leak' a sex video...promise.

4. Global Charity Work: Set some charities up for things like Haiti, Obama's receding hairline maybe even a fund for Bernie Madoff's Ponzie scheme victims, God knows that their mansions could use a fresh coat of paint.

 If we are broke we can just find innovative ways to be charitable, send some unemployed guys to be the painters and pool boys Madoff's 'Investors' (who are idiots btw), and to Haiti we can send some Wheat...we have a shit load just stocked up. I do think there is a great deal of social utility to be gained via bikini car washes to pay down America's Deficit....hell, Bikini Car washes are profitable!...not that we'll be keeping a slice of the profits or anything....

5. Grand Safari Drive: Import exotic elephants from Africa, breed them (make them temperamental and huge with steroids), paint them green and invite hunting expeditions. If we can catch some Taliban, we can do the same to them....

'Imagine the experience, $1 Million per elephant and $2 Million for a Taliban...that's an experience for a life time foreigner Dude/Mate/Amigo!'.... We'll be getting paid to have people we'd kill for free hunted down. How awesome and innovative is that?

6. Tax Prostitution:  These Women work as hard as men do, even though men have to get hard in order for them to do their work, but I digress. We ought to tax their hard work, after all, they work hard for their money, the government is surely entitled to spend it on their behalf.... however there is the down/upside that once a prostitutes registers herself, she'll be targeted by fundamentalist nut jobs who are trying to protect our morality....hey assholes, why don't you stop going to them in the first place, it's not our fault you are that ugly and are so desperate that you want to hook up with the girl that everyone else has....

7. Proper Incentives for Foreign Direct Investment: Provide Tax Exemptions to foreign exploitative multinationals, allow them to buy people into a slavery like arrangement, I'm sure Pakistan's rural Feudal lords would be willing sellers. Foreign companies would start pressuring their countries to be really nice to us. After all, why suck up to each country individually, while you can suck up to an international conglomerate and get everyone on board that way. Damn, our government lacks some good common sense.

8. Recreational Atmosphere: One of the great things about Saudi Arabia, is that they let their expatriate workers drink and let their women drive as long as they are in their compound. I think we should steal that idea and add a Pakistani twist. Open some bad ass bars...but open them on properties owned by other countries...neutral ground if you will. It can be called, 'cultural centers' and it'll be a nice little side earner.

 All the Ambassadors and embassy folk can rave about how awesome we are and that the news reports of 'Dangerous Pakistan' are all just a batch of lies...we ofcourse expect them to be perpetually drunk henceforth. In fact Bilawal Bhutto, Pakistan's heir apparent might make a comeback...then again, he can't possible do any more damage in the UK than he could here....good thing he doesn't inherit the country....oh shit... DAMMIT...

9. Professional Media Spinning: Hire professional dirt spewing strategists (probably republican, which is good since most are unemployed) and have them go on international networks lauding Pakistan. They can also be part of our charm offensive by producing cool provactive ads for eg. Saying how going to India sucks because it's dirty, but Pakistan is awesome because it's so clean and fun filled.

They can also develop attack ads, so whenever a country bad mouths us or doesn't give us money we were promised (we need our pocket money, we're fighting a war on terror here), we can put out ads publicizing the failings of that government and how they are letting millions of innocent people die.

We also feel their is great utility in televising the hard work the parliament does, and with carefully choreographed fight scenes, we can show out allies how serious we are about fighting terror and enacting sound fiscal non-corrupt policies. Gotta love freedom of speech.

10. Half Promises With Billions in Return: Say we might consider recognizing Israel as a country if they are willing to give us aid to the tune of $1 billion or so per year, we can spin it as saying we are taking their money and weakening the Zionists...it'll work seriously, though the Israelis might get pissed when start using the money to fund those Palestinian rocket launching stone throwing chaps. But this 'charitable giving' will subvertly make us look super awesome in the Arab/Muslim Ummah world. All we need to do is leak it via the our super secretive 'intelligence agencies'

That said, we do have a game plan when Israel realized that they are being duped. It's so simple we keep forgetting. Pretend Iran and Saudi Arabia did it....if that doesn't work, we can hand over a few Taliban....We Got Millions!....and to think that we considered them as a foreign liability.

The Big Idea:

We could be honest, less corrupt and actually find real solutions to solve our local and national issues, but that would difficult, and why bother when you can do ridiculously superficial things and hire professional spinners to make us seem, well....Rad.

I love being Rad, wouldn't you?

Monday, March 29, 2010

The BRA Ministry: Officially Dealing with Silly Crap

Why I Wrote This:

I think most governments tend to spend their time on spurious useless things and generally enjoy wasting the tax payers money (my money!). However, I think the government ought to celebrate it's uselessness and inaugurate a Ministry of Silly; of course it cannot be called that, it'll probably be called something truly grand like 'The Ministry for the Betterment of Resource Allocations (BRA)'

The Ministry will focus on the very important prevailing issues of the day that are distracting the hearts and mind of our Parliamentarians.

1. Patriotic Fire! Burning all American, Israeli Flags and have a national effigy burning day. That way we can get it out of our system on that one day and proceed to spend the rest of the year begging them for Money. The Ministry will also levy liberal taxes on the sale of such items that may be used to produce such flammable goods like textiles, flag makers, handicrafts. The revenues will be used to fund terrorists, I mean Freedom Fighters....Location of Said Freedom Fighters is Yet to be Decided.

2. Travel Arrangement made Awesome: International Relations Junkets, because nothing raises awareness and foreign investment than trips to Monaco, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Cancun and St. Barts. Did We mention that we are so awesome, that we can't hear the people of Pakistan crying of Poverty? We are that Awesome!...Maybe we should buy a few Starship Enterprises....

3. Prostitution Drives: To drive out all the prostitutes from the streets of our morally sound nation, luckily location of these prostitutes should be easy as they are all embedded in our Parliamentarian's speed dials and Rollodexes. Look under, 'Dolly'. 

4. Pakistan is the Greatest Nation of All Time: Promoting that concept will create an environment that will make everything the government achieves to be far more fruitful. In fact, Bill Clinton and John Edwards are being recruited to head up that effort. Bill Clinton is being paid in the Prostitutes and John Edwards is being paid in Hair cuts....and diplomatic immunity in case he knocks some poor girl up and has to flee.

5. We don't Pollute Really: We'll hire second grade school kids in Japan to develop a report complete with interactive power point telling the World how Pakistan actually does not pollute at all....seriously. They even promised to paste Green Peace's Logo onto it. Steve Job's will present the report at the next Apple convention. We even have a Pakistani Logo ready that'll fit nicely on a Mac....

6. Superiority of Masculine Pakistani Men: NONE of us are gay, not one bit...seriously. We interpret Islam to say you can't marry a man, but it's totally cool to get all butt wild on each other....Just to prove it, we'll legalize gay marriage. However, we will not be responsible for any honor killings that may or may not happen (depending on how much evidence the damn Western Satanistic media has).

7. Superiority of Pakistani Women: All of them are morally sound virgins...even some of the ones that are married. That's how freaking pure they are. Keep your Whores Eastern Europe!

8. Put a Heavy Tax on all Sugary products: Sugar makes kids fat, hyper and more likely to be disruptive in class and stay up late at night, which destroys the relationships between men and women.

9. Earth Hour Every Day: Just to Prove Pakistan is doing it's bit to save the planet, we're so damn awesome that we'll have 3 hours of load shedding...I mean energy conservation methods every day. Suck on that you Damn polluting Earth Haters.

10. Fiscal Space Finders: Special Tasks Forces into Alleviating the Pressure of Government Spending...by cutting non essential programs like Infrastructure development, International debt repayments and government salaries. We may also lease the parliament building to Black Water and hold all of the parliaments votes via video conference or at the local sports club....pity no women allowed.  

11. Food & Health Functions: Visits to all restaurants to be used for reviewing their health and safety standards, primarily 5 star establishments will be targeted....Food and Beverages will be free. However we humbly request BYOB, Bring your own Black Water; Booze and Bimbos are Free of course.

12. Sports Corruption Management: All sporting Athletes are to be audited for corruption, if found corrupt, they must pay taxes as well as undergo a a tax penalty. No retribution for actually match fixing as that would our national sentiment, in fact all the proceeds will be wired to Swiss bank accounts for discretionary spending on the Ministry's activities.

13. Polling Data Management: Crucial Survey's into whether or not the government of Pakistan ought to pay it's bills to the imperial dictators. After all, it's not our fault that the last 60 years of governments made the country into a mess. We ask the people, we pretend we know what they are saying, and do whatever we like. What up Democracy!

14. Foreign Policy Input: Take care of particularly unsavory diplomatic meetings with opponents like India, the Taliban and the USA with saying 'I can't hear over the sound of how awesome I am'. Much Success. We will send them Gold Plated Cats just to prove how cool we are.

15. Government of the People....Seriously: Send the common man to talk shows and do nothing but curse at the media. Reward them with key position in the foreign diplomatic corps....Go Luxembourg & Haiti.

16. Social Welfare Initiatives: Pass laws on spitting pan but tax rebates on those who can spit further than ten meters. Then make them practice with gasoline....Army militia can be supplemented.

17. Author Laws Banning Tight Fitting Jeans...yet leave a loophole for skirts (For both men and women). The Ministry will Hire English Majors from super liberal American Universities to do so.

18. Strictest Allocation of Resources: Strict checks & balances on Perks and Protocols will be established, no more than 50% of Pakistan''s armed forces (or Budget) can be used for parliament and govt. protection. The other 50% are to invade the Middle East....what? everybody is doing it...we have NUKES biatch!...did we mention how awesome we are that we can't hear you?

19. Women are Banned from Smoking....Period. From hence forth, their only methods of smoking will be by inhaling smoke via kissing men who are more than happy to do so out of the generosity of their hearts.... Everyone wins. We expect as a side effect youth marriages to increase exponentially and the birth defect rate to drop significantly. A married society is a happy society.

20. Bra On? The Bra Ministry will make on the spot checks to ensure all women (between the ages of 16-35) are wearing govt. approved Bra's. It must provide adequate support and enhance cleavage.

The Big Idea:

By having this Serious yet utterly Facetious Ministry perhaps the other branches of government can actually do their jobs rather than involve themselves with non-issues and idiotic legislation.  Then again, they are so awesome they can't hear the People...My Bad.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Health Care: Are You Kidding Me....

Why I Wrote This:

Having spent around 5 years in the United States both studying and working, I have alot of friends who are quite passionate about health care. And I'm still amazed that the US doesn't have universal health care. Then again, this is the same government that hasn't passed anything meaningful in recent history, so I shouldn't be shocked....

However, what does shock me, was how people were still doggedly convinced that Obama wouldn't be able to pass health care reform even after he was basically elected on two things. The Economy (which he actually can't do a whole lot about, unless he starts hiring a lot of people) and Health Care....So health care it is and the reasons why the idea of universal health care is opposed sounds fairly dumb & elitist (my people, high fives) at least to me.

1. It Was Inevitable: Firstly, it was always going to happen, the woman who gave birth to the freaking President (who died of cancer) spent her last days arguing with insurance agents. Regardless of who you are, that sticks with you and it makes you want to do something about it (Lo and behold that Black boy became President). Health Care was the center piece of his campaign. If he didn't do anything with it then 'Yes We Can' would be "We Almost Sort of Could'....and that doesn't bode well in a re-election campaign. Democrats swept the Republicans, 60 Seat Majority in the Senate (Now 59) and a commanding lead in the House of Representatives, Democrats had the go-ahead to do whatever they liked...and how they have.

2. Polls Riders: I hate people who quote polls. Stop quoting polls, they are a snapshot in time, leaders don't follow polls, polls follow leaders when the time is right. Relax, these stupid things keep changing. For God sakes, if I poll the right segment, they'd probably think Clinton is President....and the kicker is that they won't know which one.

3. 'This is our Freedom' Argument: Now Americans love freedom, and they talk about individual liberties as if Adam himself came down to them and personally said, 'here these are your freedoms, now go rock out with you C**K out.' However, I feel argument that freedoms are enjoyed far more if you are alive is remarkably attractive, and that health care does in fact prolong your life (nope Jesus doesn't really provide a health care plan you evangelical nut jobs). As the bill stands you still get to pick your own health care provider, so chill.

4. Health Care is a Privilege not a Right....HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND $&^%&$@, you are trying to tell me that in the most powerful, richest country in the world, it ought to be a privilege to ensure that it's citizens have health care? Half of EUROPE has health care, and I'm talking about the damn continent that's been fighting each other for hundreds of years...CUBA has health care!!! That tiny Island that has it's communist middle finger perpetually pointed at Florida. Is it good policy t to let people die or place an unfair burden on poor people so that you can buy yourself a brand new Ferrari instead of Audi? (Personally I think both purchases ought to be tax exempted)

5. Overreach of Government: The government acts in the best interest of all, and the funny thing about democratically elected governments is that they are elected by the people, so if you wanted limited government, you ought have campaigned for Ron Paul or the Constitution Party. Quit Whining if you were on the side lines when it mattered.

6. Why am I Subsidizing Everyone else: Becasue Mr. 'I have alot of Money' Asshole, you are already subsidized yourself in various ways through taxes even if you are super rich (Tax Loopholes anyone?), so unless you make over 250,000 a year, you aren't really affected, and if you are making that much money, think of it as the price you pay for having a healthy society.

If you run a business, it'll mean that your employees will be in better health, your customers will be in better health and the guy who runs the hot dog stand down the street is in better health, and if you get really fat and develop some diseases as a consequence of eating those hot dogs no insurance provider can turn you down or jack up your rates. I think it's a fair deal.

7. It's too Expensive: It will pay for itelf, $930 billion in ten years and by the end of the second decade it will actually reduce the deficit. Now I'll be honest here, I haven't crunched the numbers and I really don't care, if the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office says the math works and pays down the US deficit, as far as any sane man is concerned, thats a home run. Making up your own numbers by inputting your own (biased) assumptions is even more facetious than I am. Which is an achievement in itself.

But what would be lovely is if someone could please explain to me why it's better to throw hundred of billions away as part of the war or terror to avenge some 4000 folk when thousands upon thousands die every month in your own country? Basically your willing to go into debt to play class bully, but not to save lives.

8. Party of No: Now, I realize that the original idea was for a bi-partisan bill, but since that didn't happen, the US public got a partisan bill that still added in some of what the opposition wanted. But what I think was particularly crazy was that there was no constructive reaching out by the opposition to be put together a viable bill. The idea stems from by saying no to everything and without even working out some sort of good faith compromise that all they were interested in doing was making sure nothing of substance was done (To be fair the Republicans did author their own bill, which would cover 3 million Americans....sure would have sucked to be in the other 29 million).

It make make good politicking to say that after 4 years that the Democrats were unable to do nothing, but what it eventually did was make the Democrats pass a bill and become the party of Yes (Yes We Did). What I want to know, why wasn't there a party of 'Why' who questioned the proposals and indeed the strategies. Health care is broken, there are far too many people without health care, and when a President passes legislation that give 32 million people access to health care, what that does is give him 32 million MORE votes going forwards. What's plan B Republican Strategist morons? Promising to over turn it when it's your turn? Good luck it selling that message.

The Big Idea:

This Bill is far from perfect, but end of the day, even if it costs a few more extra bucks than you would like, you can't put a price on saving lives year in and year out, even if it means having to forgo some expensive toys. A truly fair Humane society tries to look after it's own members; Make sure that everyone is capable of living a decent life, particularly in the hard times, ensuring that they have access to the most basic human necessities, and one of those is health care. So there you have it. The argument for Universal Health Care in a nutshell. It's the Humane Thing to Do, and once you are a super power, you can't save the world without saving your own people.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Earth Hour: Power Out

Why I Wrote This:

Now, I'm usually pretty peeved off at environmental nut jobesque sounding organizations like Green Peace who I'm convinced are an alarmist end of the world driven cult. And I rarely give time to any the 'go green'  sycophantic dribble, unless it's a hot Iranian Green Revolutionary political activist; in which case, I say 'hello, good looking and yes I'll buy whatever your selling'. But having to actually consider the idea, I must admit they have a point.

Our power usage is out of whack, and this is during a time where a good slice of the world doesn't even have access to electricity and power. Once we, in Pakistan at least, (eventually) develop more infrastructure, 3 hours of load shedding will quit being a burden seem like a boon.

Now after making the usual cracks about the 3 hours of load shedding my house undergoes on a daily basis, I thought, hey, maybe we need to save planet Earth, the moon won't be ready for colonization for a while now and neither will Mars....and we haven't officially found Aliens yet who can hook us up with some cool alternate source of power. Our Planet, it's the only one we've got. So here is an excerpt from the folks at Earth Hour

"In March 2009, hundreds of millions of people took part in the third Earth Hour. Over 4000 cities in 88 countries officially switched off to pledge their support for the planet, making Earth Hour 2009 the world’s largest global climate change initiative.

Earth Hour 2010 takes place on Saturday 27 March at 8.30pm (local time) and is a global call to action to every individual, every business and every community throughout the world. It is a call to stand up, to take responsibility, to get involved and lead the way towards a sustainable future. Iconic buildings and landmarks from Europe to Asia to the Americas will stand in darkness. People across the world from all walks of life will turn off their lights and join together in celebration and contemplation of the one thing we all have in common –Our Planet"

They even made a snazzy video here 

Anyhow, this is why I recommend people be part of this historic movement that ought to have no discernible impact on the years to come.

1. It's cool. Lance Armstrong bracelets were all the rage a few years back. Now it's going to be Earth Day! besides, when the lights go out, all the bad girls come out to play...

2. Chicks love it when guys act all environmentally conscious. The Iranian Political Green Movement Hotties are now moving on to save the planet. Want to make a girl squirm, try bringing up how your passionate about saving the world. If her knees don't buckle...well try saying it again, she might not have heard you the first time. All you need to say with earnest passionate (and probably lusty) eyes is 'Don't you care about the world you want to leave for our children' (Note: Focus on the 'our children' part, women are inclined to reproduce...and if she's really hot, you want to hope that it's you)

3. It's a statement, one hour of candle light is unlikely to make a difference, but it shows that in the midst of the Desi Race, The African American Race, The Arab Race, Etc Etc, at the end of the day we recognize that we are all a part of the human race. There are already so few things that actually unite us, maybe it's not a bad things to add to the list and celebrate our commonality. (Note: I also advocate a McDonald's Big Mac day).

4. We don't have unlimited fossil fuels, eventually they are going to run out and the power outages that we in Pakistan look at as a burden, will be a burden that the entire world shares. In essence, we are the working experiment for a world without power, if there ever was an incentive to sell power energy saving devices and learning ways to conserve power, then this it is. We need to realize that, if not for our own future, but for future generations....then again, I'm not sure if we should just be like screw em, we ought to leave them with a few challenges to contend with...spoilt brats.

5. If you are married, having the lights out has certain marital advantages that I am too embarrassed to get into. Think Family guy and giggity giggity.

6. Hit up the rally's you'll make friends and fingers crossed, make some new attractive ones. If you have no friends, this is your chance.....(note stay away from the feminista's, they (like you) are on the prowl for chicks)

7. There seem something really Islamic/Religious about wanting to preserve the planet...I mean, c'mon. If God likes it, there must be something in it for you in the afterlife....you never know...it might be the tie breaker!..probably not, but why take the chance?

The Big Idea:

Please take part in this, my volumetric number of sins need some writing down....oh and I care too....seriously....about hot girls mostly, but then again I am incorrigible.

The Mind of a Cow

Why I Wrote This:

During my senior year of college, whilst taking a quiz in a newspaper, my room mate answered a question on which animal he'd like to be the most, he answered, 'a cow, because they seem so relaxed'. At the time, I could help barreling with laughter, but having put more thought into it, I can't help but think... that bugger was right. Cows do have it good. Now many may question my sanity as they chomp into their steak sandwiches but bear with me.

Try to see things from a cows perspective.....here is what I came up with. 

Cows Have 'Hefty' Goals: Eating is fun, Eating is a sport, Must get fatter. God will reward me for being really fat...maybe he'll set me up with even more stomachs (the 4 I have are inadequate). In fact, there is no such thing as a fat cow, I'm just a big hunk of cow loving. My goal in life isn't just to be fat, it's to be the provider of the best milk and tastiest steak ever.... or to move to India and be worshiped....then again the food sucks there. 

Communication Stamina: We've been playing Chinese whisper for generations....in fact we aren't sure when it's going to end, but I'm still hopeful because I really want some of those sugar cubes those horses seem to be getting...the word is Moo....maybe they are trying to say moove?

Kinky Animal Syndrome: The fatter I get, the more likely that I'll be used to continue the genetic line...even if that mean's being knocked up by that manly mechanical bull....he goes on forever. Being limited to those organic rodeo bulls it a drag, they just keep talking about how they bucked some human off. Yeah, like that human isn't going to get his revenge by cooking him over a spit and using his head as an ashtray whilst his horns are mounted on the wall....freaking idiot. 

Body Art: Tattoos rock! We all get tramp stamps. Though it hurts getting singed with them in the first place, but whatever, it looks so freaking cute and it's so easy to forget the pain when your get high! Damn, I look hot. All the cows moo at me!!!....damn lesbo's

Education: Don't expend too much time thinking, it'll lessen the quality of your brain gravy and no one wants that. Once you learn how to eat....well, thats all the education that you'll ever need. 

Fitness Fortune: Exercise is bad, being fat is awesomely attractive, all of the Bulls say so, then again they keep getting on and trying to make us buck them off, but the thing is that we're too lazy. No we don't care that they slept with our sister, that bitch is skinny. 

Food for Thought: No such thing as over eating. In fact every meal is a competition to see who can eat the most, the winner receives a nice pat on the hind quarters (which is handy as it gets rid of the flies that the tail missed). Besides, our diet of grass, hay and genetically modified weird stuff is pretty much what human fashion models eat. 

Memory Bonus: Short term memory is an excellent asset, you can keep forgetting other cows and not miss them when they are gone. 

Path to the After life: The slaughter house is actually cow heaven, who ever goes in there takes the meat packing truck to heaven. wow...talk about first class service...you don't even have to walk to heaven.  

Sun Bathing: One of the best things about being a cow, is that you get to spend lots of time in the sun and work on your tan....and you don't have to worry about skin cancer! Take that silly humans!

Lazy is our Life: Being lazy is a good quality, infact cows are so lazy, we don't even need a television to zone out. Walking is overrated, running is just sinful. A running cow is one that's been eating too much 'weed'. To fair, getting high is fun, the wave of munchies are AWESOME.

Musically Inclined: Studies have shown that Classical music makes us cows produce more milk, which is why we take great pains to moo at each other in melody, but unfortunately we are no Bach or Beethoven. However, we kick ass at cowbell. 

Efficient Sleepers: We sleep standing up, because it's too much effort lying down, on average a cow will lay down and stand up 14 times aday, but it's usually because the eat all the food around us or there is a particulary gorgeous grade A hunk of grass laying around just waiting to be ravished....sure beats watching that machine procreate with her.  

Excellent Health: No diseases ever recorded....except for this pesky 'Mad Cow' thing...you want to see a mad cow, go to Spain, those Matador Bulls are INSANE!...yet so hot. 

Perpetual Parental Approval: We can hookup with anyone we want without having our parents judge us....speaking of which, where the hell is Mom....Dad....Aunt Bertha?
Shit is Fun, and We Do Fun Shit: We have fulfilling lives, every day we compete to see who can produce the most manure...then we tell the youngest Calf that we hid easter bunny eggs in them....damn we're mean...

Poor humans and all of their 'constipations', I bet they get jealous of all of our glorious piles of shit. Oddly enough they even collect them, maybe they burn it because they feel so inadequate...SUCKS TO BE YOU! Hoove fives everyone. 

We also like crapping, sitting on it, and trying to make the horses other lick it! Or sometimes we'll taking our smeared excretion covered booties and sit on the chickens while they are laying their eggs....haha take that you shitty chickens. 

The Big Idea:

We may all be God's creatures, but cows don't get as big raw deal as we think. Obviously we ought to treat them with respect, but considering how poorly we treat other people, is it really all that surprising the way we treat animals? Cows Rock...I love Steak. 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Islamic Chastity Belts: Crazy or Genius?

Why I Wrote This

The whole fear that parents have about their children having sex is pretty outrageous, particularly in Pakistan. However, in my gracious self I have decided to cash in on this opportunity and re-invent an old age product for the times. After all, condoms are actually ancient technology re-invented...now it's time for

Islamic Chastity Belts; A Comprehensive All Encompassing Islamic Solution to Upholding Moral Values!

It sounds ludicrous, but just because it in fact is, doesn't mean that there won't be demand for it and be insanely profitably. After all, who would have thought that PET ROCKS, would be a viable business.....seriously.

1. Marriage Friendly: Buy two, get one free. Get them for the entire family (if you have multiple wives that is), if you ever have fears that your female spouse is cheating on you, no need to worry anymore! Just make her wear an Islamic Chastity Belt and all of your fears about extra marital affairs (well, hers anyway), will evaporate! Go to work stress free and come home with the remote controlled lock in hand. I'm not saying that everyone is at risk of cheating (even though they are), but why take the risk? (Note: I recommend removing these during giving birth.)

2. Rape Prevention Tool: No rapist in his right mind would ever approach a girl if he had the slightest inkling that she was wearing one of these. The mere thought of those potentially deadly spikes would take eradicate any bad intentions or Un-Islamic ideas.....also the desire to bring about a death penalty on rapists can inadvertently be passed....yeah, those spikes look damn scary and since even evil men like remaining men, the incidence of rape will fall dramatically. Ha, I bet some hot shot western entrepreneur/legislator wish they thought of that!

3. Protects against Girl on Girl Action: The latest fear parents have been having from sending their daughters to all girl schools and colleges is the new fear of 'lesbianism' (I'm looking at you Mount Holyoke, Wellesley College, Kinnaird, DHA degee College for Women etc etc). Now I don't think it's a problem, particularly when my kid sister, in responce to a Friends episode, once proclaimed that although she didn't like boys, she didn't think she could be a lesbian either.

These belts, will allow women to attend these institutions unmolested, free from any potentially lesbian activities rife that may disrupt their learning. Say what you will, but we Islamic men protect our women from sexual deviance. High Five!

4. Parental Trust Enhancer: Parents can finally heave a sigh of relief when their teenage hormonal daughters go out with their friends or even boyfriends. When they start imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, they can just chill out and (evil) laugh about it. Seriously, Parents don't trust their kids, and to be fair some of the time, it's for good reason. Now they can heave a sigh of relief and give me their money. (Note: Demand for other sexual stimulation may increase.)

5. Religion & Fear Based Demand: Parents are extremely fearful of what their kids may do. I expect fathers in particular to drive up sales into the millions in the first few months alone. My advertising campaign will show two sisters who go on divergent paths, the one without the belt becomes a Party going Socialite cum Actress who is actually manically depressed by her unfulfilling life, whereas the Islamic chastity belt toting one is bright, happy, probably a Hijabi and is very spiritual. Which daughter would you prefer to have?

There will also be a huge export market with the Arab market in particular being especially profitable, though we are mindful that copy right laws might still not prevent China from producing a cheaper copy cat product.... but we are prepared for that. We will have all of our stylish belts to be blessed by Crazy Clerics (no shortage of those!).

I expect that Michelle Obama will buy hundreds of these and have every female White House staffer fitted with these (just incase). So yeah, Pakistan will be exporting morality all of the world, how Awesome are we?

6. Parliamentary Stamp Approval: Our blessed Parliament despite it's rampant corruption and short comings, still has tremendous support in the country, after all, they were legally elected. Fortunately for the Islamic Chastity Belt business Pakistan's Parliament is always on the look out for ridiculous things to pass, they can pass a non-binding resolution lauding these Islamic Chastity Belts as a necessary tool in the upliftment of the morally depraved youth. Political Genius really. Just support the bill and count the votes till your liberal opponents starts crying.

Infact the female MP's can all sponsor the bill and extol it's virtues on how it makes 'youngsters' focus on their studies more instead of spending time in the pursuit of the opposite sex. I even have a name for the bill, 'Devices for the Promotion of Islamic Virtue Bill".

7. Special Features: 
A: An extra amount of cushion for comfort: Just because it seems brutal doesn't mean it can't be comfy...we're civilized after all!
B: A tracking device: Just to know where they are....for their own protection ofcourse, we live in such uncertain times.
C: A remote controlled opener, which will be activated the minute a girl enters her home: This will also encourage girls to stay at home more and spend quality time with their families increasing the family bond and making them far more virtuous, boys who now lack any purpose to chase girls will also sit at home and study.
D: Gold Version available: A poor family can literally invest their wealth in their women. Whilst richer ones can just show off that they're daughters literally shit on Gold.

The Big Idea:

We live in a society, nay in a world where we fear the occurrence of sex outside marriage, but the correct tool isn't an Islamic Chastity Belt, it's trust, it's parenting, it's imparting the values that you wish for your kids to have through setting a good example. If you can't do that, I'll be selling these Belts and protecting your daughters chastity online. You can't put a price tag on being Virtuous can you?

Can I get a High Five?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Why I Don't Mind Market 'Corrections'

Why I Wrote This:

Everyones loves to tell me that we are in a recession, I get it, we are, are in a deep putrid green glowing vat of shit. What is particularly annoying is how incredulous people sound when they are telling me this, like it never occurred to them that we were actually in a recession and they are NOW coming terms with that discovery. People are unemployed or underemployed, life is tough, people who have jobs are getting poorer and consumer based economies are facing the ultimate poltergeist nightmare of no consuming. Shit Balls.

I however, have no problem with recessions, in fact I call them market corrections. Seems a lot nicer that way, being as that millions are unemployed and all.

1. It is Necessary to Weed out the Crap Companies: 'Recessions Catch What the Auditors Missed'; John Kenneth Galbraith. Lets be honest here, big companies should not be considered important or vital for the structural soundness of an economy because they employ lots of 'hard working, honest folk'. Lots of big corporations are crooked and cook their books (sometimes with help from their auditors), to make themselves seem blue chip, when they really are the deep putrid glowing shade of green chip that I was talking about earlier.

2. My Values vs Your Values: When the market hits a correction trough, Companies become fairly valued or under valued. The best time to buy is when you can see the market bottoming out, the problem with the hysteria that is the stock market is that ones the pendulum swings, people don't realize that it's eventually going to swing the other way, unless it's a really crappy pendulum and just breaks entirely. Buy Low Sell High is more profitable than buy high and sell higher. When there is hysteria around a sector or a stock, it just makes smart investing that much more entertaining, even if it means that someone's pension fund just got ROBBED.

3. Debt & Capital Markets Squeeze Up: Like a Fat model looking for work, once something becomes too bloated it becomes unattractive, so like that model, it must loose weight and get rid of all that excess fat. But one important distinction that needs to be made is that Capital Does NOT mean Cash, it means access to human, physical and mechanical inputs constrained by nature. If you have decent access to Capital in a crappy market, that means that you are a pretty decent company. If a cockroach is the only thing that survives a world wide nuclear blast, you can bet anything that those will be the most valuable animal species on the planet.....well the only one left too.

4. Government's Posse to the Rescue: Whilst the most scariest ten word sentence in the English language is, 'We are from the government and we're here to help', it must be noted that companies get a lot of help from the government. They also have a right to whine more, but with the added advantage that the govt. needs your business to survive, so they'll give you more fun stuff. Tax break, stimulus packages, bail outs, big screen Tv's ...the keys to the nuclear arsenal etc. If you want a date with Miss '(Insert Home Country)' this is the time to ask for it.

5. Shitty Businesses are Meant to Fail: Capitalism is as much about failure as success. In fact statistically most businesses fail, and they ought to as the strong, truly viable ventures will survive. the reason why communist and socialist models stutter and fail even on the back of tax payer support is because they are inefficient, they aren't in the same cut-throat winner take all environment that you find in the free market. Shitty businesses ought to fail, it's not fair on those fair few who managed to get their shit together, what is their incentive to improve?

The Big Idea: 

Life is not perfect, companies are only as perfect as the people who work in them. Sometimes bad decisions are made and risk taken that really shouldn't have been taken, and there are massive far reaching consequences and the worst part is that people who don't understand the system that they are even in the first places are dramatically hurt. This sucks, but market corrections are necessary for the long term good of our species, to ensure that we can keep innovating, being more productive and just plain being better year in and year out. Think of it as the Evolution of business complete with natural selection fueled by money.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Why Women Rule!...Seriously.

Why I Wrote This:

There seems to be a misconception that I've created that I hate all women, that women are terribly creatures and just plain 5 million varieties of awful. Now that's actually not true, I think women are the cornerstone of a society.

If you want to evaluate how progressive and ultimately successful a country will be, one should see how women in that realm are treated. Be it Japan, China, Wider Europe, Canada and the USA, women are the ones who drive growth, whether it's in small businesses or in job creation.

If a Nation relies on only men, it will never be working at more than 50% of it's potential. If a country wants to be great, it needs to let women contribute; it's a good thing that they are will and able.

1. Women Do It All: Women build families, and in many cases they have to balance their family life with their work life with a great deal of poise. I firmly believe that women are more productive during work hours because they know they have responsibilities after work, whether it's child care or family obligations. So they get their tasks complete within the allotted time, so they don't  have to sit late and mess around youtube during the work day. One that note, check this awesome video I found here.

2. Educated Women = Educated Families: If education is the silver bullet, then women are the Fully loaded machine gun firing off that silver bullet. If you educate a man, you educate a man, if you educate a woman, you educate her entire family; the next generation. And lets face it, since women spend a good chunk of their day with the kids, the better educated they are, the more likely and able they will be to help the kid out with his homework. Educated Moms + Whiny Child = Homework actually getting done well enough that kid won't Fail.

3. Online all the Time: Women are fully functional at all hours of the day. From the minute they get up in the morning to get the kids ready, make breakfast etc till they nod off in bed after a hard days work and home management, women are excellent at not only multi-tasking, but getting things done. It makes them great, and a truly enviable asset to have in our lives.

4. Women Make Men Better: Men if left to our own devices would be nothing more than hedonistic play boys hell bent on extracting as much fun out of life as possible....which is not necessarily a bad thing, just very shallow and self serving. Women have an unerring ability to focus men, to make them better than they ever thought that they could be. In some cases they um...'inspire' wholesale drastically needed changes, that men need. A lot of guy's strive to be better because they want to be worthy of that pretty face, it may feel superficial, but guys are willing to do it.

5. Women Strive To Be Better: Women actively combat societal norms for the very simple human reason that they are not fair. Guys are willing to find innovative ways to make the system work for them, but if women don't find that system to be fair, they find ways to go about changing it, whether it is through passive aggressiveness or simply going out and doing it. They act as our moral conscious when it's not convenient for us. And as men, we like convenience...which is why invented the 'remote control' for our TV's and 'Lazy Boys'.

6. Women Will Never Be Fully Appreciated: It's sad but true, after all the things that women do for men, we can never ever no matter what we do, truly appreciate them. A man can never fully appreciate what a girl goes through, and try as we might through glib conjectures (Guilty as charged), we will never completely understand the horrors of the female condition, the burdens and limitations society happily shackles them with. It's a wonder than women haven't killed off all the men yet and just used sperm banks to keep the human race going. Bloody Decent Of You All.

In The End:

Women are IT. They are everything, no society could function without women and no man can live happily without them. Which is why you have all male prisons. They get cable TV and perhaps some cheetos, but they are completely cut off from the opposite sex. Why? Because even with the head aches, women just make mens lives just plain better. Thanks a lot God.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Way Men See It

Why I Wrote This: 

News Flash: Men do resent women on the volumetric amounts of complaints and whining that they are allowed....it's bloody annoying, particularly as it's not manly to whine about anything short of losing a bet and having to donate a Kidney to the local Taliban Charity.

Men and Women think differently, that's a fact. But I think we need to shed some more light on how different we really are. Some things just need to be said.

Face Value: When a guy is on facebook and see's a girl whose profile picture is a cartoon, he doesn't think how cute that is, he assume that she's fat, ugly or a mutation of both. He is very likely to laud her ‘wonderful’ personality. Which is why Women see diets as a way to improve their health and look more appealing, men see diets as punishments for future crimes (that we are likely to commit, such as noticing ‘hot friends’).

Men will tell Women they look awesome in high heels (which they do). Women take that to mean we enjoy causing them pain and making it harder for them to run away from their oppressed lives. Women reciprocate by telling guys they look great in the most uncomfortable shoes available...no reason...just unadulterated revenge.

Food Tactics: The easiest way into a man's heart is his stomach, we are emotionally susceptible to fall in love with good cooks, infact food is our defacto tie breaker. Horrible but true, but since women use the size of men’s bank accounts as their rishta tie breakers, men find food to be both fair and prudent. Note: There has been no proof that women have hearts. It is thought that they develop them once they bear children…Until then, bank accounts it is.

Transportation: Men will rush to change a woman's flat tire for the very simple reason that it's shameful to let her do it on her own. A feminist views this as part of mans strategy to continually oppress women, after all a women is less likely to escape their horrible lives by car if they don't know how to change a tire. A minority of Women also cite the inflationary high cost of manicures.

Legal Standards: Women keep a wary eye on the laws passed in parliaments as a way to subjugate women. Men don't notice what laws are passed in parliament...because they don't really matter. Did anyone know that Smoking Indoors is actually illegal?...certainly not the restaurants that sell them off the menu. 

Guys are practical with regards to corruption, we do the math on how much it costs to bribe a policeman and pay the fee. Women are never in a situation to bribe policemen because all they have to do is roll their eyes and refer to the 'distinguished' Police wala as 'Bhai'. Because obviously, it’s only corruption when money is changing hands.

Work Place Environment: Men don't harass women at the work place, we appreciate them. Particularly when there is a good chance that they'll feed us. Women don't harass men at the work place unless there is a good chance it could result in all paid for shopping spree with an option for a life time commitment; Men work late to avoid going home to their wives. Women work late because their trying to get a guy to make them their wife.

Women can leave work early to go home and tend to the kids, men have to stay as long as it takes to get the job done. And yes, we resent you for it, though we try to be understanding about it. If a guy leaves work early, it's because he's a kaam chor or 'lazy', if a women leaves work early its because she has 'pressing family matters' to attend to.

The Home Life: Guy's see the home as a place to unwind after work. Women see their jobs as a place to unwind and the household where they have to do real work. Women see running, cleaning and caring for the household as a major responsibility, pity, as men couldn't care less as long as we are fed and we can find our stuff.

It’s not that we don’t provide feed back. Men are excellent at feedback, if we don't appreciate something that's done for us, it's not because we didn't notice, it is because we never cared enough about it in the first place. If the lady of the house puts more vegetables on the table, we might eat them and say nothing, but if she programs our TV to record late night T-20 matches, a guy is almost guaranteed to worship the ground she walks on. Try it…

Men Never Get to be Right: A man will tell a women that she's right, even when she's not, for nothing else than our piece of mind. Women, as far as recorded history can tell have never been wrong, and if they on occasion do admit they are wrong, they do it in the most condescending method possible. We don’t want to be right, if it makes you pissed and our lives a living hell till you forget our transgression (for proving you wrong)…which might take a few years.

Women see romantic ads, sigh and then yell at their guys for being so boorish in comparison, Guys look at that same ad, silently curse the male ‘model’, and wonder why the onus is on them to be romantic…was it in the Nikah Nama? And then (a smart) guy will turn to his partner, smile and tell her that she's right.

There is also a very practical reason why a guy will never fight with a woman in public. For starters, because every guy in hearing distance will flip out and smack that boy’s head so hard, that it’ll look positively cartoonish (and quite rightly so). Women yell at men in public so that every guy in hearing distance will rush to her ‘aid’ and beat that boy to a shiny messy pulp. Thank you Patriarchal Protectionism.

The Big Idea:

Men are hardly perfect in their own right, but we live with our faults and silently bear our imperfections, for no other reason that we want to be better than we really are, which is deserving of the ‘perfect girl’. But we are faced with female hypocrisy at every turn and it makes us wonder if perfect is just the veil of love. Do men oppress women or do women oppress men?

The sad reality is that Men tell women horrible things because they are largely the truth, women say awful things to men to hurt them. It’s already a messy unfair world, but the question is that do we have to be as well? Or can we rise above it and hold ourselves to a higher standard. We are different, but indeed equal in every possibly measurable way.

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Women & The Myths: My Turn!!!

Why I Wrote This:

Around a month ago I wrote a blog for dawn.com regarding Men & the Myths, and a few days a response piece Women & the Myths was published, I found it quite entertaining and felt that I should add my two cents and correct her where she went a bit astray.... I naturally also have my unedited blog posting...

1. Women Are Age Conscious: There is possibly no creature ever created that is more age conscious than a woman. The entire cosmetics industry relies on women's age appropriate insecurities. The goal for a woman, is to look like she's is perpetually 29. Apparently there is something magical about that number. Men, don't care. The older we get, the better looking we get. Women look hot in their teens while guys look scrawny and awkward. Men date younger women because we can. Older women find it exceedingly difficult to date younger men for the very simple reason that guys have no desire to date men their mothers age.

2. Women Are Weight Conscious: Yes, they are. Women care more about their weight than any  man in the history of time ever has. And with good evidence, has anyone seen a really successful obese women? Obese women don't get promoted to the top of their organization or Marry stellar looking guys. Men luckily can be the size of a whale and still make CEO, In fact in Italian culture, a man with a significant pot belly is referred to as a man of respect. Gotta Love the hypocrisy. oh and it goes without saying that fat men with big bank accounts can generally get their pick of hottie gold digging elite.

3. Women are Bad Drivers: Yes, they are. For the very simple reason that guys can zone out and thinking about nothing while they drive. Women have the amazing capacity to think about everything and  worry about anything that could possibly happen. Which is why women aren't issued licenses to operate heavy duty vehicles....and motor cycles. Besides, God said so, which is why women aren't allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia! Men Drive cars because they enjoy the experience, women drive cars because they enjoy where they take them...typically the malls. In Pakistan this has resulted in men hiring Chauffeurs for their women folk....bad drivers or just plain Genuis?

4. Women Are Shopoholics: Women are incorrigible Shopoholics, women love the experience, they cherish it and find it as addictive as men find Video Games. However, video games are a one time cost, whereas womens shopping tends to be life long journey of discovery for the perfect black dress, the perfect shoes etc...hint: they don't exist, The female form has the tendency to change over time.....I'm just saying. Women also equate it to a sport, however I'd like to point out that most sports are time bound and have clear objectives....unless they consider spending as much money as they can in an allotted amount of time as 'objectives', which reminds me why some men won't give their wives these things called 'credit cards'.

Men brag about how little they paid for something, women brag about how large the amount they paid was. Usually when it is their boyfriends money. When they do save a token amount on things like peas, they tend to reward themselves with things like an Coach Bag....math please?

5. Women Are Physically Weak: Women actually are not fragile, they are just built differently. I would say that they are sturdy, for no other reason than that the birth giving process seems hardly the pain free delicate task in the world. It's not their fault, it's nature. Men recognize that women are typically more fragile and act accordingly. Because we are gentlemen and all guys love be told how strong we are. And women do like stroking our egos so that can make men do whatever they want.

6. Women Are Bad at Numbers: Definitely not true, women are great at math, and they've solved an equation that says that if they play their cards right, they'll be married to a dude who can bank roll their lack of math. And in future they can use this lack of math to justify their spending. 'Oh, it was for five Hundred dollars. haha, I thought it was for 5.00 bucks...Silly me'...More like Silly US!

7. Women Are Maternal: Women are not inbuilt with a maternal gene. I can categorically confirm that some women don't care for children at all, in some cases even their own. Some women do, something to do with carrying 10 extra pounds over the course of 9 months does a lot to your mental state. That said, I have seen heavily pregnant women drinking coffee, eating cheese, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes (this says nothing good about the people I have known). My advice to men is simple, If you find a great maternal girl, marry her, have some kids and if you are still unsatisfied...well there are marriages numbers 2, 3, an 4. But make sure you marry maternal babe first.

8. Women Love Gay Men: I have known alot of women who think of a gay best friend as the ultimate prize to be had. They like the idea of a male to go shopping with, and who shares interests with them. I think women who find gay men to be perfect, should really re-think it, if they EVER compare a straight man to a gay man. I have also known girls who are freaked out by Gay men. No idea why, I assume it has something to do with their assuming that the guy is 'undercover' gay and are waiting to drunken shag them. Girls are Weird. Men sadly, just don't understand their gay brethren; 'Why would you go for a guy, when you can hookup with any hot girl you want?' Seriously, a motion in the UN ought to be passed thanking them for improving every other mans odds.

9. Women Take Forever to Get Ready: Men get ready very quickly, we pick what we want to wear and get ready to head out the door. Women seem to put on a fashion show every time they are about to go out. Which has led me to the conclusion that no man should ever be on time to pick his lady friend up.

10. Women Are Manipulative: Women can be manipulative and the reason why they are perceived as such is because of their subtle communication skills coupled with their passive aggressiveness. A girl won't outright tell her guy that she hates his clothes, but slowly and surely items will start disappearing and after a period of time a guys entire wardrobe looks like the Marks & Spencer/Banana Republic Catalogue. If men don't like something, we just say it....usually to our detriment for being insensitive.

The Big Idea:

Women have to live with man misconceptions about who they are and how they act. However women tend to find ways to make it work for them, usually through whining about their lifes difficulties, a Man's pride requires him to bear burdens silently. Bravo to Woman Kind for Making Myths Work For Them!