Monday, April 19, 2010

Man Up Hour: Bro's Before Beau's

How many brave men have been lost to relationships with clingy controlling women? How many pure souls must be sacrificed to appease the female dieties. Far too many guys date far too many controlling women, for the simple reason that controlling women are the only ones left in circulation.

Men want the same thing from their perfect piece of under wear as they do from their perfect woman; a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. If we don't get that, a life of misery beckons.

As men are not entirely perfect, periodically mistakes are made (the selection process is a crap shoot; Styles & Sizes vary brand to brand...which is why mothers do most of the shopping for us, till we decided to be independent), and in the thrill of man's independence, tragedy strikes and you see a friend get a bit too star struck with his own freedom and acquire an inappropriately tight pair.

You tell him over and over again, that he (or in actuality his friends) will live to regret it (what mommy doesn't know won't hurt her).

But we're men, if it hurts, we grim and bear it telling ourselves that we'll get used to it, grow into it even and our friends will make do with our sour pained expressions....except for shoes.... Men must wear comfortable shoes (it's easier to scurry across the heavy traffic on II Chundrigar in comfortable shoes).

Tragically, it's a pretty common occurence, a close loyal friend suddenly ensares himself a seemingly sweet woman friend. Covert operations ensue, after all, you wouldn't want everyone to know about your new Armani Egyptian Cotton boxers, you wait to make sure it's worth the excitement. 

Before you proclaim to the world, usually on face book, or tweet; 'I have found the one, come see and tell me how awesome I did, but don't touch ya, that's just too much londa pan'; this proclaimation is not uncommon, as men can have very stimulating conversations about the last legendary dump they took.....usually, when excitment strikes calls are made to the network whilst still on the toilet (blue tooth and hands free is a blessing... talk about the simple pleasures in life; In fact, I have man friends who make their most important calls from the pot. Say what you will, but we are time efficient).

At first, men are inclined to naturally humor their friends, in your heads you think, 'Silly man, everyone thinks they find the one atleast a dozen or so times', but the real question is are you ready to handle the one right now

After all, people change, tastes change, sizes change, put on a little weight, lose a little weight, flabby muscles and just plain flab wreak havoc on your life's choices. Is your one, flexible? Is it of suitable quality? After all, it's a commitment, you can't just go to the bazaar and pick out another pair, the one you have will get jealous....if you do, make sure to hide it....different drawers.

You should however try to empathize, after all, it might even be your friend's first (Armani's are super comfy) and young romance is nothing to scoff at mind you (but you roll your eyes anyway), and at first you are glad for him (man law requires overt displays of 'Well done, you shagged a good one right there'). 

But then your pal changes, sometimes literally; he's got a fancy new hair cut that requires as much product as is legally permissable, his new array of designer clothes reek of credit card debt and his appearances at friend's outings become as common as a parliamentarian showing up at the assembly. The realization strikes 'That bugger thinks because he has the one he's better than everyone." If a guy thinks having a girlfriend is a terrific status symbol, he is unfortunately mistaken, as far as your guy friends are concerned, your friend is her new accessory. Infact she can call him I-friend, have him chauffer her around, run errands, speak when spoken too etc. He has been sacrificed to the alter of women, but he doesn't know it yet....

Believe it or not, after guys are done laughing about their friends utility maximizing, they silently fume, they are pissed, but in the end, are just plain sad that their comprendo is never around anymore. 

So as petty (actually horrible) as it sounds they wait for the day the (hopefully) inevitable break up happens, because then he'll be free and need his boys again to roam the earth.....preferably in a hilux.

After all, the gang wickedly imagines, the sheer volume of hair product will have induced baldness, he can't afford hair plugs now that his credit card(s) are maxxed out (supply it and a relationship will consume it as my venerable economics professor once said) and he'll give all of his old clothes to the Edhi foundation because they'll remind him of her.....the one. Bloody hell, you feel mildly sadistic now for wanting this...but it's for your friends own good!

Assuming the relationship is still in play, it is your duty to support him through this tough time, even if you feel entitled to his regular attention. 

Where should a guys priorities be? To his gang of friends or to his potential partner (if this was a democratic process, its pretty apparent who would win).

But alas, circumstances have changed. The balance of priorities have shifted, the only time he (is allowed to) contact his gang is when She deems it appropriate (she's busy) or when his testosterone levels have dangerously diminished and are in drastic need for replenishment in the form of man time; good mint Shisha, man talk and perhaps a game of football.

While we may appreciate that our fallen comrades life has changed (hopefully for the better),  it's still hard to get around the female induced disloyaly. Guys will always support a Bro, which is why Obama got elected yo!

Our bonds are the only thing that tie us to this world, and the bonds of brotherhood are absolute. Guy's don't judge each other and are instead support each other stupidity much in the same way residents do their local politicans, consistently and without reason.

It's not that we don't care, but we've developed friendships that supersede each other's inadequacies, we don't sweat the small stuff. Women (as ever evolving creatures) like changing their partners and are quite liberal in doling out constructive criticsim.

It damages a guy's ego levels and his masculinity, the only medically approved treatment is man time, in particularly serious cases, we fly into Dubai or PC Bourban I mean Bhurban for immediate treatment. Vast sections of the Bro Code by Barney Stinson will be reviewed.


From time to time guys will admonish their whipped friend for his lax man time. Meeting your guy friends is an important ritual, one that should be taken seriously and occur frequently....daily in some cases. When the funny obscene text message stream abruptly end, the time for extreme action is  these matter to us, it keeps us connected, just because they aren't to your taste doesn't mean the rest of man kind shouldn't. 

Guy's don't give other guy's ultimatums on the status of their partner, as far as we are concerned, that's his business and as long as he's happy, grim and bear it. Girlfriends on the other hand, show no such restraint, they see his time, as their time, and ought to be allocated as such (well, to her preferences). 

Relationships are finite and most of their shelf lives expire well before wedding bells. The most endearing relationships guys have are with his amigos, they are as special as a golf club (it'll last forever if properly maintained and you don't do anything stupid with it). 

No islamic contract required or family pressure needed, we choose to chill together and telling us that we can't is a slap in the face. Afterall my soon to be sister-in-law (we are serious about the brotherhood), how do you think your guy got so damn awesome in the first place? If you make us hate you, the odds are your relationship isn't going to stand the test of time. We are prepared for that, men are excellant at damage control, which is why the Fire department is man staffed.

We are all enfused with the desire for a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex (it's only natural...genetic procreation insanity some would say), and we want that for each other. However, the bonds of brotherhood are just as vital and shouldn't be taken for granted. 

Obviously there needs to balance and most relationships need alot of time investment. But there is a chasm of a difference between neglecting friendships and nurturing a potential life partner. It's just bad form, and that's just cricket (fair). 

Man Up Hour; Lose that vital level of man time, and trust me ladies, you have no idea what the hell your getting yourself into. It's very simple, the more you try to control a guy, the more he's going to covertly piss you off. The ones that are too spineless to do so are a waste of space. So let them have that much desired man hour. We'll have him home at a reasonable hour, unless ofcourse the police arrest us for something we can't bribe ourselves out off. 

Before you know it, the happy couple has announced their engagement and your attending their wedding. Still a bit shell shocked by the occasion, you wish them well, but you still feel compelled to find a private corner with your remaining comrades and empty a bottle for your fallen homie. Woman:1 : Man: 0

When that happens, it is the guys friends who are left picking up the pieces. The reason for that is because friends are like bra's, close to the heart and always there for support.

So the next time your lady friend (for the millionth time) asks you to cancel plans with your boys, look her straight in the eyes, shrug your shoulders and say 'Gotta chill with the boys, later'.

Then again, on occasion it is just time to say 'farwell, good friend, may you live in interesting times and don't let the door hit you on the way out, because loyalty is a two way street'

We are Bro's and with some genetic fault will always be there to help each other out and tell each other that we are funny when we are not.

I will say that over doing it or being over committed isn't a one way street and is prevalant both ways. For girls, it's the pressure to settle down asap and for guy's family pressures tend to take their toll. So investment one's time, money and sanity takes a whole new meaning.

Bro's Before Beaus yo! Tweet It OUT!!! 


Amna K said...

This does make sense. I will spread your message to girls at my end to let their men have their 'Man up hours' with their Bro's. For the sake of sanity! :-)

Alpha Za said...

Thank you for the comment Amna: Please do so in haste. It is critical for Human Kind.

Sonia said...

I think girls will let you guys have fun together. Finally, guys have to come back to gals anyway ;)

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm! Hi, Murtaza. So you have written on the joys of male company - admittedly hung it on the idea that a man who continues to see his male friends is a better partner for his woman, but I wonder if there isn't just a hint of homo-eroticism in this. Running a mile yet? There is joy in male company, but I'll just leave that thought floating round! Sorry I'm not around so much. I loved this, and I loved the more discursive style. You will be better when you've completely abandoned the bullet point style presentation.
It's good to be reading you again.
Love, Alec xx

Alpha Za said...

@ Sonia: It would be a terrific kind thing if ladies would let Men have their fun. We have to come back, you guys have soft lips, skin AND can's a deal maker.

@ Alec: Long time no hear buddy, after you stopped following the blog, I came to the sad conclusion that you took yourself off Blogger, it's good to see you back and thanks for commenting.

Women marry men, not men who become more like women. Hanging out with men is completely necessary.

Nope, no homo eroticism, just good ol bromance.

Anonymous said...

just get laid and get over with it seriously.all this male-female dichotomy is such hyper sexualization of repressed societies. The West sells sex through this dichotomy and the East buys it with all its repression.. this particular entry in your blog is such an apt example of it.

Alpha Za said...

@ Anon; Thank you for your expressed interest in my sex life, unfortunately your opinion in this matter is essentially worthless in this regard. However, I'll be sure to facebook poke you when I decide to give a shit.

What I don't understand is how everyone naturally assumes that everyone in eastern societies is sexually repressed? Get the F out of your bubble dude.

Btw, it's a not a question of supplying or selling, it's a question of natural demand. East kids want to buy sex just as much as the kids in the west. We just get more focus because of our 'repressed religious' societies.

Give me a break.

Thanks for the comment btw even if you are one dimensional.

Bunny Olesen said...

Comprendo means 'comprehend' or 'understand' I think you meant to say Compadre. LMAO Yes it's very sad when your comprehension is gone.

That said, I have never in my entire life stopped a man from hanging out with his friends. I have however, dated many males who expected me to stay at home all the time WHILE they went out with their friends, and we were just dating. The biggest problem I have had is men being jealous and not wanting ME to go anywhere without them. I fucking hated it. It is miserable. When I was married, my husband and I had a fight. He would go out with work friends after work, drinking, having a good time for a few hours (which is fine) but one time I went out to dinner with my aunt, then went out for drinks after...told him I probably would be home around 12 & got there at 12:15 and he started a fight, started screaming at me. I told him it was bullshit, he went out all the time, I never said shit...who was he to scream at me like that.

He said 'Fine then, I'll never go out with my friends again!' (fucking lunacy) I said GEE that sounds real healthy. He never got it, that's why he's my EX.

As it stands now, my current man and I, well we're pushing 50 now and nobody really gives a shit about going out anymore. LMAO Even so, he takes hours long solo rides on his bike, watches movies I don't like while I play on the computer. Even within the same house it's important to 'do your thing'.

I think one problem is when men hang with buddies who are single and like to go out cruising for chicks at clubs. When you are not single, that lifestyle is supposed to end for both the men and the women. If the buddies are just watching games, going hunting or fishing, playing videos, etc., no problem.