Thursday, August 12, 2010

Happy Birthday President Musharruf!

Hail Fuhrer…I mean Dear President Musharruf (do we get to keep calling you that or did we strip you off the right to call yourself that too?)

Anyhow I bet you think we all forgot, but we totally didn’t, it’s your birthday! Happy 67th Birthday Mushi 2010! What are you like 30 years old now? You look all vibrant and stuff with your 261,620 facebook buds and hip London pad. Now, we have a big surprise for you, because we know you like Unexpected Presents! After all, that’s a fair description of how you stumbled into power.

 Infact we are so awesome and generous as a people we got you two gifts. I know, we shouldn't have.

Firstly, oops, you were right we admit it, our politicians are corrupt soul sucking fiscal account leeching scoundrels. We know how you tried to warn us, be we were all hyped up about this democracy thing, but you sure knew what you were talking about. But it’s not like you can blame us, the politicians promised us that they’d behave better….they promised naa

Secondly, we got you….wait for it….President of PAKISTAN! Now, I know it’s kinda lame, but Pakistan was just too damn big to properly wrap even and lately it’s been leaking water everywhere and think of all of those protestor fires as if they were candles….might be a few more than 67, but you get the idea. We’d offer up some cash but we don’t really have any. Quick question; do you accept payment in smiles?

Please excuse our insincere dysfunctional gifts, but things have gone a bit awry since you…um went on vacation. Rampant inflation, hurricanes, energy shortages, target killings, nut job local Taliban, unemployment, planes crashing and now widespread floods….. We blamed most of it on you and the rest on the most convenient Zionist conspiracy we could find.  Cheer up old bean, look on the bright side you don’t really have to do much to exceed our now neglible expectations!

We even know how to fund your come back, the President’s Relief fund! (Which reminds me, Zardari wants to know if he can sublet your pad in London at a discounted rate?). We lost your uniform, but we’re sure that Nawaz Sharif’s old boy scout uniform will fit you nice and tight. It’ll come in handy when we shoot your Pakistan come back commercial for 14th August. You’ll be dancing with a Pakistani Flag on the glaciers of Siachen to the tune of ‘Truly Madly Deeply’; Savage Garden wasn’t available, but Salman Ahmed offered to step in. We got Ali Azmat, he was just plain cheaper....oh Lux is sponsoring. 

We hope you’ve kept that dastardly smile and puffed up chest in good shape. After the military’s sterling flood relief efforts, Pakistani would definitely appreciate having a military man steer the ship (we mean you, not Kayani; we can’t get him to take a demotion to president)

Mushi, on the occasion of your 67, we humbly offer you the second most powerful post in all the lands; Sorry, but you’ll have to report to Kayani like everyone else.

Pakistani People

PS: You might want to take the long leisurely sea cruise route back to Pakistan. Flight safety in Pakistan; not so great as of late.

PSS: We promised Marvi Memon, that you’d let her sing ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ on your return. Fear not, we got you some German made ear muffs.


Rukhsana Shama said...

hehehe, A very nice one.

Wasay, the idea of controlled democracy is not bad, if it is controlled by people like Atatürk.

Alpha Za said...

@ rsh: Thanks man, glad you enjoyed it.

Ataturk does seem to have his fans. But the problem is that once you make an individual so much power, you're placing your trust in a person rather than in an institution. At the Mercy of one mans whims.

Mackers said...

How sweet, I am surprised you knew his birthday. I am sure he appreciates the sentiments

Rukhsana Shama said...

'enlightened' and 'wise' leadership leads to stronger institutions, as institutions, in the beginning, do depend upon individuals before being well established as pillars of society, that's how democracy emerged in Britain centuries back.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mackers: Thanks for the comment; Mushi is totally a regular reader. A facebook fan even.

@rsh: They depend on individuals setting precedence and a rule of law. However, if the positions are made too powerful, they are open for abuse.

Institutions are only as strong as the laws that protect them. And how much people respect them.

Arfa Shahid said...

Love how cynically and sarcastically the love was delivered :P

Mad props, man ^__^

Whatever the cae, 'Mushi' was good for Pakistan..

Alpha Za said...

@ Arfa; Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. I think I'm well on my way to becoming and old, cynical man. I'll have an awesome walking stick coupled with an inappropriately young second/third wife and everything. Aah. What a life I have in store.

To be honest, the most prosperous years I have ever known have been those under his leadership.

Leena Khawaja said...

Haha, I'm confused if I liked the article more or his bollywood picture! LOL

Pakistan was MUCH MUCH MUCH better during his run as the President regardless of how he got there and stayed on. Its sad because everyone who voted for the current government knows that too. We always learn the hard way, when its too late for change.

Alpha Za said...

@ Leena: Thanks for the comment, I'm going to go on a limb and assume that you like my article more ;)....much more

We get change every 4 years! Yep, things certainly were better.

Yo Mista! said...


And here I was thinking I was the only one who thought we would soon start crying for Musharraf again with the floods being the straw that broke the camel's back.

Alpha Za said...

@ Yo Mista, thanks for the comment man.

Haha, I've actually been predicting it for a while, I'm glad that great minds think alike!

Floods are pretty devastating. No two ways about it.

Anonymous said...

Since you've disappeared, I have decided to be a total asshole and go back, read all the blogs I didn't read, and comment on each and every single one. buaahahahhaha. Serves you right for robbing us of entertainment. hrmph. This is me informing you of how much I'm going to torture you. tralalalalala. *skips off*