Thursday, September 16, 2010

EID! EID!....oh Miserable Eid.

Now, I'm usually the sort of guy who is all for anything resembling a holiday, hell, I even get excited during half-work days (cheap thrills, I realize), so a four day Eid weekend should theoretically be celebrated with a gusto bordering on a three day Depeche Mode rave at the Play boy mansion...or a Pakistan sports team actually winning something*; it's been a while, I can go either way.

*Aisam Ul Haq; "Second Place is First Loser"

There is just something about THIS Eid, that didn't sit well with me. Whether it's the flood victims, incompetent corrupt officials, cricket scandals, or the lack of world peace (apparently really matters to all the Miss World Candidates; how can I not support their passion?)

I used to like Eid as a kid, the (theoretically) cool gifts, envelopes theoretically full of money and everyone lining up to tell you how great you are (thankfully that aspect hasn't changed). Now that the shoe is on the other foot (Damn having to Grow Up!), I'm rather less enthralled by the process.

Maybe one should get stacks of 5 rupee notes and give them out 100 bucks at a time. It'll look way cooler and keep the Hounds off my trail....particularly as my strategy entails throwing the said notes up in the air like a Baller at a Casino. 

Everyone is chasing you for money (by chasing, I mean chasing you down); Whether it's little rabid children, to whom you are only loosely related to, or the local sweepers who feel totally justified in banging your door down all day to ask for Eidhi (after all, after a year of neglect they finally cleaned your street the previous month); everyone who sees you is just excited to augment Eid Cash Hoardings.

Now I know I shouldn't mind, I make decent money and get a fair amount of cash for Eid, but something about the expectation of doling out dough that annoys and ruins the gift giving act to me. Particular when it erupts into a dollar denominated tsunami of who collected or gave more Eidhi; personally I'd rather stay in the former category, but alas more wishful thinking on my part (did I mention how awesome world peace is?).

Itchy Brand New Clothes: I am a terrible shopper. The only new clothes I've bought since I've come back to Pakistan are office shirts (I look very snazzy thank you very much). I really don't need yet another Eid occasion Shalwar kameez that has to suffer my complete awkwardness.

Odds are I won't wear it for the rest of the year. Sadly, it's almost always the kind that makes my body shake like a fire ant attack.I never get into that 'breaking it in' phase. I'm a waste of a good overpriced Shalwar Kameez.

Women tend to take Eid to a whole new level of wardrobe hell. how many Naked Sheep have they left in their wake I can only imagine..... There is winter wear, wedding wear, summer wear and Eid wear. Eid is twice a year and lasts a combined total of less than a week. And let's not pretend they judge each other like they were on America's Satan's Next Top Model.

Graveyard: I understand that it's important to pay one's respect to the dead, but it seems odd to go from somber grieving to the Desi equivalent of a house party. Who came up with that?

Eid Prayers: I and every other Muslim male (Fair occasion Muslims or otherwise) wake up earlier on Eid than on any typical work day (going to bed at 3am because of Chaand Raat doesn't help matters either). How does that come under the definition of a holiday?

Last I checked holidays were for sleeping in. Since Eid gives the mosque it's largest (incidently most apathetic) annual audience, the resident Cleric feels obligated to treat us all with the longest sermon humanly possible at 7 am in the morning. He calls it providing guidance, I call it Cheap Disposable Eidhi.

Germs: We are a country that strongly believes in the romantic ideals of Personal Space. On Eid, you hug everyone in sight and shake their hands like they cured cancer. If by some miracle you didn't get sick during ramzan, during Eid it's definitely a miracle if you don't catch something from the barbarian horde of germ swapping huggers.

If anyone has a hugging fetish, celebrating Eid naturally fits the bill. Why someone doesn't take the day off and set up a street stall selling Sanitizer is beyond me.

City Tour: I love Karachi, but just because I love my city doesn't mean I enjoy the scenic jaunts to slums like North Nazimabad (just kidding, I hate it because it's far). On a holiday, I rather stay at home or go somewhere that's Egregious notion on my part, I realize. Maybe next year I'll get a tour bus...or just invest in a GPS. 

Mithai Overload: I love Sawwayya (vermicelli noodles) as much as the next Pakistani, infact I often thought I could eat an entire Harry Potter Cauldron full of the stuff.

However, wishful thinking translated into my male testosterone compelling me to try (read succeed) to finish the vat. But by my 7th innappropriately large bowl I realize that I may have both clogged my arteries and ravaged my taste buds to such an extent that they could hardly differentiate between munching an apple and consuming toxic waste.

Now, if there really is a sugar shortage (I'm all about the Zionists being behind everything) and has accordingly become obscenely expensive, then why is everyone being loaded up with enough sugar to inflict diabetes to a 5 year old. I'm confident that if we skip Eid for a year, we'll have enough sugar to last a few sweet tea enfused decades.

Over eating: You spend the entire holy month of Ramadan being famished; you don't eat all day, your stomach accordingly compresses and shrinks to the size of a baby fist; and then we decide that we should celebrate the imbalance by eating enough food to feed a family of elephants......every hour or so.

There is nothing worse than stuffing one's post fasting pea pod of a stomach with an insane variety and quantity of  food at iftaari; then Eid comes along and I'm reminded that atleast during Ramadan, it's acceptable to stop eating without offending the world in general.It's not what do you want to eat, it becomes a how much can someone charmingly jam down your throat without causing a leech splattering tummy explosion. 

Mehndi: That CRAP STINKS! It's poop colored muck that its odd patterns all over a girls hands and arms. How does that connect to festivity??? Is their a mud wrestling extravaganza that I'm not invited to? And what's with the bangles? All I hear about how flimsy they are and how they keep breaking after the first 35 hugs of the day!

Usually, when Eid comes around, we think of the things we want, be it treats, or an assortment of cool gifts, and hey maybe even that electronic extravagence that you had been saving up for. I'm no different, but for some strange reason I didn't want an Eid complete with a shiny new phone or a riddiculously awesome TV (I wouldn't say no), I wanted something that I know that I wouldn't get.

I really wanted some Pakistani Leaders that aren't charismatically flawed pieces of stinking horse shit. That would make me strikingly happy and make it feel a bit more like something worth celebrating.....for everyone.

Oh yeah, Belated Eid Mubarak/Rosh Hashana/Holidays Peeps!

Congratulations, we can totally do the opposite of what we were supposed to be doing in Ramzan without feeling like abnormally bad Muslims. The whole wasting my time on useless activities was really getting to me.

Proof that Hip Computer Literate Clerics Exist: The Truth is Out There....Waaaay Out There


nuffsaid. said...

Hahahaha. So true. I'm not a huge fan of Eid either. It just seems so pointless to get all dressed up for relatives. Eid is the one thing Muslims actually officially celebrate, we should make the effort to make it more fun.

Unknown said...

Eid Grinch.

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Haha, definitely is something we need to make more fun; maybe have lightsaber and Mithai Food Fights. You can wear the same drab robes to both events; or just yank on a bedazzled burqa.

Corrupt Politician Roasts sound like an inspired idea.

Sadly, Chaand Raat does turn out to be more fun than Eid itself.

@Humaira: :(

Someone got a substantial Eidhi Stash this year.....

Unknown said...

Is this one of those statements where you say someone, but you actually mean me? If yes, are you kidding me? I am one of 6 kids, I get no Eidi!

Alpha Za said...

@ Humaira: So ?....I'm one of 5 kids. I guess we're both rich in loving siblings then,.

haha, chill, I just find Eid rather batshit ridiculous; interesting, but still nuts. Then again, one could make the same arguments for most holidays. Chasing Choc eggs on biological clock fertility jokes?

Unknown said...

I'd rather be rich in Eidi.

Just Kidding.


Ok I'm not sure.

Anyway, that means you're not just Eid Grinch, you're the holiday grinch!

Sidrah said...

Oh! This post seems fun but is too long.. I will come tomorrow to read it n will comment cos i have to go to bed now =D LoL

Followed ur blog, follow mine too? ^^

Alpha Za said...

@ Humaira: Money comes and goes but Family lasts forever.

haha, more like I'm in a holiday grinch mood because I've been feeling fairly cynical lately over the the things that we've all been going through.

@ Sidrah: haha, I do follow your blog, I guess I was on anon following, I changed that. I'm waiting in rapt anticipation when you have enough time to go over my entiiirrree blog.

Hope you enjoy it.

Ghausia said...

I agree. Grinch.

The solution to Eidi is, hit up all your loaded relatives for more Eidi. My aunts and uncles give like, one ten rupee note, bear in mind that nanay abba had two wives so I have two different sets of mamis and all, and they give me one ten rupee note per person. I just keep telling my closer relatives that I'm so lonely and I have no one and I can't stand being alive sometimes because I hate myself so much. BAM! 1000 rupee note! :D

Mehndi is so pretty. You're insane for not liking it. And hey, whatever happened to girls dressing up to look pretty for your lot? Bangles are the best accessory ever, and I'm not even that desi.

And btw, that losing weight in Ramadan thing is a myth. I actually regained the weight I lost at the gym. All that hard work and excruciating pain for nothing! :(

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thanks for the comment.

Et Tu Brute?

Eid Emotional Blackmail; You are ssoooooo a part of the problem at hand ;)

It's brown mulch covering your hands.....I don't see the prettiness....and it smells worse than general brownish muck!You get all of this work done on your hands and arms and then you cover it up with Bangles...which you all whine about later for breaking....seriously?

Sucks that Ramadan racked up your calorie intake, probably has something to do with the Eating at Sehri and going to sleep. Bad to sleep on a full stomach.

Sidrah said...

Germs! I agree. The fat ladies whom i never see but on Eid try to hug me n kiss me on my poor cheeks.. *SCREAM* i Hate it :s

we hardly have any relatives here -___- ..most of the eidi is given to me is by my Dad =/

Come on, Mehendi doesn't stink! I rather like it (but then am a girl) ..i got my hand done with it after years. Kinda weird.

I ate too much on Eid. Just like scooby.


The Great Brown Experiment said...

This was a really nice read. Got me smiling. You did spend a lot of time thinkin this one! Felt deja vu ;)

'I even get excited during half-work days, cheap thrills' Me too!

Alpha Za said...

@ Sidrah: Thanks for the comment; The germ spreading infestation gestures are particularly awful without the pay day.

You have no idea how lucky you are. Your Dad is a good generous man.

Mehendi SMELLS really really bad. Doesn't look great either. Maybe it is a girl thing....dysfunctional nostrils.

Scooby is a terrific role model for Human Beings every where....except the whole jumping into another dude arms bit.

@R: Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. I was actually prepping for a Radio show that I do and decided to take a slightly different approach for my Eid show; the results lie before you.

Haha, shorter work days are less preferable to no work days, but hey, we'll take whatever we can get.

Maryam said...



Oh-kay. Eid sucked this year =P

Ghausia said...

Look, I'm constantly broke, plus I'm a student and don't work. I do what I must to survive. I need new lipgloss damnit!

I'm not partial to the smell myself, but the design looks so pretty. I had a bad experience this Eid though, the mehndi artist was horrible, plus the cone wasn't a good one, my hands started itching so I had to remove it early, resulting in a crappy colour. :(

Oh also the hugging. I ran into my cousin's in laws while visiting them, his nani-in-law shook hands with my mom, saw me and I swear to God, her eyes literally lit up. I held out my hand to shake hands, she PULLED me in for a hug. I kept feeling the scratching of her beard for the next ten minutes. I cried on the inside.

Plus girls keep cheek kissing me. I'm not a cheek kissing type. I'll hug people, say what up, and that's it. As a result, they close in, I panic and end up with a mouth full of their hair. Do you feel better about my Eid blackmailing now? Plus my dad HAS to set out to visit at ten which means I have to wake up at 8, help make food for people I don't like and get dressed at the asscrack of dawn.

Okay so Eid stinks. Thanks a lot Grinch. :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Marium: :( Aw, now I feel bad. Better luck next time.

@ Ghausia: Haha, I don't suppose it ever occurred to you getting a job? Until then, adore your way into as much Eidi remuneration as possible.

Mehndi Itches? Waxing, High heels, scalding all of women ilk insane?

Maybe you need a "no hug" tattoo on your forehead?

Women have beards? I learn something new everyday...

In a sadistic way it does make me feel better, though I'd like to point out that if you wake up at the ass crack of dawn, we're waking up a good two hours before that!

What can I say, I love being right ;P

@Artkapakistan: Thanks for the comment, and making me feel less like a Grinch.

Animals are tasty. We wouldn't keep them around if they weren't.

Ghausia said...

I can't get a job because a) I'm a student and b) Uber conservative parents, my dad would get upset that is your father dead that you need to work for your own expenses, so its a dilemma. And besides, the lipgloss I want is from Bodyshop it costs about 600-900 I believe, and I've already spent a lot of money this month, so I'm waiting till its October. :D

Listen, would you rather have women be short, hairy, and have faces filled with blackheads and zits? Its hard work being pretty damnit!

The old ones have beards, there's some unwritten rule that when you're a granny you're too old to get waxed because they're white hair and people can't see. I had a teacher once who was that type, she was standing on top of my head talking to me, and all I could do was stare at her beard. Blegh. The mehndi had shitty chemicals btw, that's why it itched plus I have sensitive skin.

And no way, everyone I know wakes up hours after I do. People are texting me at eleven and I'm like, screw you my eid was mubarak at eight now I just hate everyone and want to go back to bed.

Closed eyes... said...

Okay. Keeping my many reservations aside, I loved this post.
Henna sucks big time. And Eid has always been miserable for me, at least. No eidi, no nothing, but serve all the guests!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: um, you seem to enjoy writing, why not write for the newspapers (work from home), or do a radio show (flexible scheduling).

Tell your Dad that your not working for your own expenses, so much that you are working for your own self esteem (something enriching like that).

Whatever happened to natural beauty?....shit, it's a myth, we've all been lied too.

Old Bearded women...such a scary thought.

Mehndi looks like shit and has shitty chemicals? What the hell?

You have a rather odd group of sleepaholic friends.

@ Closed eyes; Haha, thanks for the comment, but your reservations aside, I'm glad you loved the post.

I'm sorry that Eid sucks that much for you, you need to negotiate better Eidhi terms, tell the guests that if your not well compensated for your services that you'll spill the drinks on their brand new 5K Khaadi dresses.

It's a worthwhile strategy.

Unknown said...

I love this post alpha..
You know i didn't know its so much to this festival..i like i like...superb.

Alpha Za said...

@ Bebo: Aw, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

It's a pretty complex festival, that said it has to be. We spent an entire month of fasting to get to it. At that point our minds are so famished that we need some awesome-ish 3 day extravaganza.

Ali said...

this year's eid ul fitr is about to arrive. so Eid Mubarak to all my brothers and sisters in advance.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I 'm from Vietnam. I have a friend in Pakistan but I don't have any idea about Eid in your country. So I googled...then found your blog. It's not only colourful and usefull it is also very relaxing. I laugh a lot and enjoy very much when I read your written. So finally, thank you very much and enjoy your Eid your ways ,..^_^

Siddiqa said...

Totally agree, and nicely put :)

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