Saturday, October 2, 2010

To My Baby Niece

Dear Child Who Has Yet To Be Officially Named

Happy 'Birth' day Congratulations on being Born....some 9 hours ago! and even greater congratulations on having me as your Uncle. I wish I could have been there in Toronto when you decided to make your presence felt in this world, but life isn't fair. And I wish it was and that I could tell you that we brought you in a world where it was, where everyone was good, and fair, but it isn't. However, for now, that's not something you ought to be concerned about...hell, if I had a cogent thought when I was your age, I'm sure it'd be along the lines of asking the nurse where the hell my water bed went?

I'm sure you're all confused with the whole being born thing, the bright lights (don't worry, they'll adjust, but if you want to re-live that sensation then there is this great place called Las Vegas), complete strangers fawning over you and telling you how much they love you and how cute you look (considering your tremendous gene pool, I suggest you get used to it) and lastly not understanding a speck of what is going on (don't worry, most of it will be religious rites that you won't care about till you have your own bundles of joy...assuming you want a few).

The reason I'm writing this note isn't to tell you about how great I am, or for you to obey your family at all times (I'm sure they wouldn't mind), it's to pass on little bits of knowledge that I'd wish I had when I was..well, newly born, trying to figure out this loud odd ball, water bedless world of ours.

You can get away with anything. You will always be cute and utterly precious to us (congratulations, you have an automatic family battalion well into the dozens), but right now, whether you spit, gargle, poop, urinate, vomit or even salivate our of your hands, we don't care, we'll even think some of it's cute...until we call your mommy to clean it up. You can do all the crazy things you want and get away with it, I don't even think they even prosecute cute babies for murder. Though, we'd prefer it if you took all the jostling, nap time interruptions in relatively good cheer. We'll love you no matter what, however, the spillage chaos is frowned upon the older you get. You'll also find that odd baby voice that everyone talks to you in will become extraordinarily annoying.

Little boys can be mean, if they are every mean to you, you either mace spray them (I'm sending you a carton with baby hand appropriate sized spray cans) or tell them that they have cooties and it means that they are going to die. It'll work at least the first few times, little boys are stupid...and they actually don't get much better. What everyone says, friend or family will seem like a big deal to you, remember that words are mostly verbal sewage, don't take them seriously and know that you have the Uncles to make anyone who annoys you very sorry. But if you can learn to forgive and forget/get even, then that's even better.

Smile all the time, nothing makes anyone happier than seeing a baby smile, if Hitler (don't worry, you'll learn about him eventually) spent more time around smiling babies as opposed to starving ones, the world would be a better place. If you'd spend less time crying, that would be nice too, your Mom will be juggling her various responsibilities like an acrobat on steroid medication.

Name recognition; it's going to take you a few years to get a hang of all the names of everyone, don't feel bad, it doesn't really matter. Hell, I can barely still keep track of half of family's names; it get's hazy into second cousins region. When in doubt, ask your Mom or better yet, Grandma. But get used to meeting people who know your name and can regale you with stories about cute acts of infant-ness you performed. You won't remember, trust me. Just take their prodding in cheer.

You won't be having much other than smelly mush and breast milk for a while, just roll with it and trust as when we say that you'll need teeth for all the good stuff (oh, yeah, teething ain't fun either). You may think it's a good idea to play with your food, which is find, but kindly limit your projectile range to your food bowl, it'll make clean up easier...and yes, none of us want to try the carrot mush anymore than you do.

Enjoy the free range pooping and peeing privileges, eventually those are going to end; you're going to have to give up the pampers and take care of yourself like everyone else. In the mean time, enjoy the rare sensation of knowing that you don't have to miss a second of your favorite show just to use the bathroom.

You're beautiful and we love you no matter what anyone else says, we don't care if you decide to grow an extra foot or decide that dread locks are the way to go. You are family and family loves each other unequivocally with such a resolute absoluteness that you won't find anywhere else. If you do, then congratulations, you've met your best friend.

Did I mention how much we love you, and that you're going to be the best loved baby the world have seen.... since your Aunt?

Take care of your Mom and Dad

I Love you very much and I always will.

Murtaza Mamoo (Uncle)

PS: If your first words can be Murtaza Mamoo, that would be great.

42 comments: said...

This is so sweet. Congratulations, Murtaza Mamoo! She's beautiful.

Alpha Za said...

Thanks Robyn, she's definitely as perfect as God could have made her.

Maryam said...

Beautiful baby, Mashallah! Congratulations Murtaza Mamoo =D
Make her read this when she can read.

shootingstar said...

Adorable baby ! :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

"Mamoo" means she's your sister's child, right? Those are the best kind of nieces to have and you're going to spoil her rotten.

Maryam said...

Aw!!! This was so cute! Congratulations on the niece!

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Thanks, such a gorgeous baby she is. I'll definitely do that and make her read it when she's old enough!

@ Shootingstar: Thanks for the comment, the baby is simply perfect!

@ Gorilla Bananas: Yep, she is my sister's child. This is going to be the best 'taken care of' niece of all times.

@ MK: Thanks for the comment, I'm still overwhelmed at being an Uncle!

Ghausia said...

Awww! That's so sweet!

But as someone who's had four nieces and nephews, a) HAHA! and b) You poor bastard. Jokes aside nieces and nephews are awesome, plus I bet you're be the male equivalent of my cool aunt status which is awesome.

Unknown said...

Aww, she's adorable. Congrats :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. I will insha'allah be the male equivalent! ;)

@ Anuradha: Thanks, she really is that beautiful. I foresee the next child star, or atleast Miss Universe.

Haya said...

I love that babyy ^_^
and you write really well, like - its really inspiring!
**Smile all the time, nothing makes anyone happier than seeing a baby smile, if Hitler (don't worry, you'll learn about him eventually) spent more time around smiling babies as opposed to starving ones, the world would be a better place. **
This was very true :)

Rukhsana Shama said...

Congratulations, she is cute:)
thoroughly entertaining read. she will definitely enjoy it once she understands it...the best part of blog is the P.S. although, you may get disappointed :P...but then I am a keep your fingers crossed, who knows;)

Alpha Za said...

@ Haya: Thanks, I love that baby too! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, it's nice to know that I have inspirational in my repertoire.

@ Rukhsana Shama: Thank you, she is rather unbelievably cute; I thought it was my Uncle bias, but it appears that I speak the truth.

haha, I hope she does enjoy it when she grows up, though the PS was more hopeful than anything at this point! ;)

ash89 said...

awwwwww.....shes gorgeous!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ash: Thanks! I couldn't agree with you more. I'm one lucky mamu! pictures of her are going to be adorning my wallet from now on!

Sidrah said...

Cure cute =D Yay, congratulations ^_^

Loved the post, the hitler part and the first words are epic =P


Alpha Za said...

@ Sidrah: haha, thanks! I feel lucky to have such a cute niece.

I should really let my niece know how lucky she is to have me as an Uncle.


Madame DeFarge said...

So sweet! And what a lovely post too.

Unknown said...


Alpha Za said...

@ Madame DeFarge: Thank you! She's one in a billion. Glad you enjoyed the post.

@ Bebo: Thanks, divine is certainly a good starting point!

Mariam said...

Woww, what a sweet mamu she has..

A beautiful post to welcome someone in this world.

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: Aw, thanks :) She's precious. pity she can't read yet.

Anil Sawan said...

awee she is soooo cute :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Sawan: She really is. Thanks.

Maryam said...

You're fast becoming one of my favorite people on my blog ;)

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Aw, thanks, I knew I had most juvenile all sewn up, but it's good to know that I can hit other peaks as well ;)

Feel better...and more importantly, go make your Mom feel better!

The Renegade Gypsy said...

God this is SO adorable!

MashAllah congratulations on the little bundle of joy.
I have an 8 month old niece and trust me when I say she'll be the center of your universe. Heck, she probably already is!ou

When you come back all tired and sweaty from a long day at work, she'll be the first person whose voice you wanna here.

Loved the note. Make sure to give it to her on one of her milestone birthdays.

Tanvi said...

Thats a great post! And may I say Congratulations :) She is super cute! God Bless her :) Enjoy the 'fun times' of bringing her up!!!

Unknown said...

Your blog is great! I love the "baby hand appropriate sized [mace] spray cans" so funny!!! Your niece is beautiful! Congrats!

Alpha Za said...

@ BoogieMonsterMan: Thank you for the comment and compliments. Adorable post for an unbelievably adorable niece.

She's pretty much taken the best niece ever....and my only one so far!

She'll get a copy on some really glossy paper...I'll add some money to it just incase....

@ Tanvi: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I am running out of way to explain how fundamentally adorable she is!

@ Alethea: Thanks Alethea, appreciate it! Loved yours as well!

Those mace spray cans are no joke, young boys nowadays need to be taught some manners.... particularly when dealing with my niece!

obssesor said...

He looks adorable!

Alpha Za said...

@ obssesor: Haha, thanks. It's a SHE btw.


Congratulaions!!! I have family in Toronto.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ubermouth. I definitely do feel blessed.

Toronto seems to be where it's at.

alonewithcats said...

Aww. You're an awesome uncle.

I hereby declare you an uncle to my cats, too.

They haven't said their first words yet, but I'll keep you posted. I'm expecting them any day now.

Alpha Za said...

@ alongwithcats: Aw, thanks dude.

It is both an honor and a privilege to be the uncle to your cats. I will spoil them egregiously with live mice, balls of yarn and skim milk (don't want them t get fat and image conscious).

I think they may all be straining to say "I love you' to you....just waaaaiiitt for it.

Shumaila said...

such a cutteee post! wish I had had a mamoo to explain all that to me when I was just a baby :D

and such a darling niece you have, you lucky mamoo :) take care of her!

Alpha Za said...

@ Shumaila: Aw, thanks for the comment. I strive to be the best Mamoo she ever has.

It is a terrible pity that you had no Mamoo to explain all this to you. I'm sure the sentiment rang true ;)

Thanks again, she really is a darling baby.

The Reason You Come said...

Awww, what a sweet letter to a newborn! I hope she sees this when she learns to read.

And she's so cute!!! Oh, I love babies! :D

Alpha Za said...

@ The Reason You Come: Thank you so much commenting. My Dream is for all new born babies to have such a letter written for them. What a world we would live in, if every child had someone who loved them this much who weren't their parents.

She's the cutest baby ever. Seriously. She'd gaga her way into winning Miss World with nothing her cute smiles for her talent.

Ess.See. said...

She's a sweetie. mash'Allah! may Allah bless her! Ameen!

Alpha Za said...

@ Sidra Chaudhry: Thanks! Truer words have never been spoken :)