Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Pakistani Capitalists Rock!


Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan, the typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicos, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their facebook accounts.

What our Talent Pool Really Looks Like...

I on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we'll never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the right formula (The Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and lets face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in, deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the international Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan, being jointly sponsored by the Jamaat-e-Islami and Mossad.

Patriotic Pakistanis: Always Representing
I feel that the only class of people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we're ashamed of our good fortune sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As the wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well fed man to become an extremist". Now in order for that to happen, the not well fed  likely to become a terrorist fellows, would need something resembling gainful employment and not be an avid risk for life insurance companies.

Its not that difficult to convince drunk people to do stupid things though.
Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our Magical 'We believe in unlikely Miracles' Nation:

Desi Friend Finder: Most fights or 'phuddas' in Pakistan involve a substantive amount of posturing and grandiose threats, however, before the fight begins, there is typically end with some form of 'compro' (compromise), when some of the opposing sights recognize each other from a family they both attended whilst still in their nappies. The resulting 'compromise' typically entails an embarrassing assortment of black shirted pubescent teen boys hugging each other whilst acknowledging the brotherhood of Islam and how Mr Burger really does make the best burger.
I'm gonna hit you.....in a few....scared yet?
The reason this height of pathetic-ness tends to occur is because neither are particularly serious about fighting because they are scared of the sight of their own blood. The Desi Friend Finder will officiate these 'compros' by carefully interviewing the 'diaper gangsters' and find some obtuse relationships that will prevent all unwanted bloodshed. Facebook will come in handy too.

Baby Gangsters

I doubt that there is a parent on the planet that wouldn't pay the Desi Friend Finder his fees. After all, hospital bills are expensive.

Haha, All the Boys Want to Save US!

Honor Warriors: All men like playing hero whether its rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing and even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan isn't as lawless as your average 'gora'/foreigner is led to believe, or cutthroat scum of the halal earth thieves are just more polite around good looking women. This however, presents a significant problem, how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?

Honor Warriors
Hence, the Honor Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their purse or harass them, whilst a brave knight (who will be paying rather generously for this service based on a combination of his sexual frustration, access to porn and the attractiveness of the damsel in distress), will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' Desi CHAMAAAAT.

Who wouldn't help a naked-ish woman?
The Damsel, so grateful for her Savior's appearance (after all, a girl can't live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of Grandchildren.

Honor Warriors: Fulfilling Every Woman's Romantic Dream; Making their Friends Jealous

The Honor warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy. Kind of like Super Heroes.

Do You Want like 7.5 Oranges?

Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, Combs and Balloon Animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, cell phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They'd make alot more money and I wouldn't be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats.

If you want to make a living, sell stuff that you won't have to take home every night!

Financing this wouldn't be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate them some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out? 'Charitable' donations are tax exempt......Yay Capitalism!

Paid to Read Qurans....SWEET!...Dental Plan?

GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it's for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that an object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and whats the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for Madrassahs to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and Religion.....Who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs....

I bequeath you my Beard!

Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend alot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard, unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprout copious amounts of face fuzz and sell them for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.

Get Fit.....Chase Her
Personnel 'Fit Hai' Trainers: Most Pakistani's live a fairly sedimentary lifestyle, one's social life revolves around going to dinners and eating anything that can be easy deep fried in month old cooking oil.....fortunately month old cooking oil makes everything from a Mars Bar to anything resembling a vegetable rather tasty.

"Hey, wanna work out?"

To amp up the lifestyles of the Pear Shaped, a service of personnel 'Fit Hai' trainers will stalk and emotionally molest their clients into living a healthier lifestyle, whether its going to the gym, eating that salad for lunch or saying no to that 30th cup of hot sugar water laced with a sprinkling of Tea leaves

She's thinking "Don't Fart, Don't Fart!"
He's Thinking "Hope She doesn't Fart!"

They'll motivate and emotionally batter their clients by comparing their clients deluxe lunchbox to how the food would feed their entire village....for a week. The Personal 'Fit Hai' Trainers will get you in shape, if not through exercise that well thought out malnourishment.

Hope they made sure they got the right chick!

Wedding Attenders: The sheer volumes of weddings during any given season is mind boggling. Particularly strange considering how rarely anyone knows the Bride and Groom in question. Its usually some distant relatives that one hasn't seen in decades. However, decorum dictates that some for of attendance is mandatory. Enter in the 'Wedding Attenders', a service that will enhance all wedding invitation loaded socialites lives in question.  Very simply put, the Wedding Attenders will act as their clients representative at the wedding, and for additional fees, would even impersonate their clients.

Wedding Attenders: Who the hell is going to remember who anyone is anyway?

The service will be rather cost effective, with the food provided at the wedding being worked into the fees (why let all that good food go to waste?).  In addition, start up costs for this enterprise would be minimal, a few good suits and garishly decorated Kurtas. In fact, both the men and women divisions of the 'Wedding Attenders' can share and recycle the Kurtas.

"I don't know who you are, but I'll still hug you" Wedding Syndrome

Chastity Belts: What law abiding proud parent wouldn't want to get a chastity belt for their daughter.....or son for that matter. have you seen kids nowadays? It'll come with a GPS tracking service for women (and men) of every size. Luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushion finish....for comfort.... and to show off.

Its Classy Tight, but not Air Tight.

Entrepreneurs create business to service needs that aren't currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence taxable revenue (which one can do their damnedest to avoid paying) In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it's time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as oppose to crawling through the minefield we're currently nestled in.

A version of this piece was originally published on Dawn.com


Gorilla Bananas said...

Did I see a Desi girl showing chest cleavage? No, I must have been hallucinating.

Anonymous said...

Bitingly satirical as always, and funny, but do I detect a more despairing sombre note? Perhaps it's my imagination. I liked your deployment of a heavily signalled *alleged*. Are you taking care to be
more *responsible*? :) Alec xx

Furree Katt said...

GotPrayer and Wedding Attenders are excellent ideas.

p.s i changes the URL of my blog to http://furreekatt.blogspot.com/
you've most probably lost my feed, so you'll have to unfollow and follow again, if that's not a problem for you. thaaankyou! :D

Unknown said...

I love this post.
I think most of these suggestions could work for us too xD

Asha said...

Pshhh...chastity belts are not a bad idea.

secret.whispers said...

i seriously never know who anyone is at weddings. half the time i don't even recognize the people i do see on a somewhat regular basis.
and i can clearly tell they don't know who i am either hahahaha

Thinking said...


Maryam said...

Haha! Don't get me started on weddings. Every time a wedding guest list is made in my family, a number of people always call to complain about how naraaz they are that they're chachi's daughter in law's son's family wasn't invited. Maybe they could join Wedding Attenders.

On a more serious note, selling useful stuff at signals is a great idea. I'm sick and tired of how much my marketing teachers harp on about MNCs catering to the bottom of the pyramid (rural areas). There are people in urban cities they could cater to much more easily.

Tazeen said...

the Dawn version was quite ... umm chaste

Riot Kitty said...

My dad and I were talking about the situation in Egypt the other day, and he made the same point as you: will the next lot be any better?

Anyhow, I'll get semi-nakedish the next time I need help and let you know how it goes...

Anonymous said...

I loved the Maggi Noodle reference!

Murtaza bhai, this blog is a subtle endorsement of President Zardari. Lawls to us.

Ghausia said...

I'm vaguely alarmed by the number of hot girl pics here Murtaza. We need to get an auntie to arrange things for you.

The chastity belt is horrible. Blegh. If I want to sleep around, I'll sleep around so there! Although I won't obviously. Papa will be upset.

What do you have against Maggi noodles btw?

Also, a) I missed you! And b) My Vinccis got ruined at a dawat with kharab Coke and kachay gola kebab and they were the heelies I bought specially for when we had to go over to Sana's to meet them! :( It had a matching clutch and everything! I should have stuck to my rule of only using both when we go to visit them. :(

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hey mister. I really liked this post and it had valid points/ideas.

And I have another idea...That chastity belt looks like it would be a great award...like an (Oscar)Academy award or grammy. So I say let's suggest that governments have Beauty Virginity pagent awards. The trophy would look just like that one in the pic.

I would so enter if I was a...um. If I had the time. :)

fab post honey.

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorillia Bananas: I'd suggest you wear glasses....if Gorillas actually wore glasses.....Lasik?

Alpha Za said...

@ Alec: Being responsible is hardly a trait I particularly excel at.....but glad you enjoyed the post!

Alpha Za said...

@ Furree, thanks, I am locked and loaded!

Alpha Za said...

@ Anuradha: I'm all about cross cultural ideas :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Asha: I think its something most parents could get on board with :)

Alpha Za said...

@ secret whispers: haha, exactly why the wedding attenders would work so well!

Alpha Za said...

@ Thinking: Glad to provoke such thoughtfulness :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Tazeen: Yes, I though it was rather boring comparatively too. But what can you do?

Alpha Za said...

@ Riot Kitty: Your Dad is a wise man. In short, the answer is no. Corruption will be even more rampant than before and the locals will remember Mubarak rather fondly, particularly as the economy takes a beating as investors shy away from egypt and unemployment figures start resembling Mt. Everest's shady cousin.

Please feel free to upload a video detailing the incident, I feel that the results may be beneficial for feminists the world over.

Alpha Za said...

@ TLW: haha, glad you enjoyed it. Someone has to stick up for poor Zardari, the man probably cries himself to sleep every night ruining its $10,000 sheets.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I strive to please my audience! ....keep the aunties away please....

Obviously Papa will be upset, but imagine how much awesome your social life would be if you could go out all hours of the night with your friends without your parents being the slightest bit upset.

I like Knorr noodles. Chatpatta....yes, I'm one of those!

I'm sure Sana was heart broken.

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Wedding Attenders seems to be the correct solution for alll then. As it is, people just like being invited rather than attending. Makes them feel cooler.

Selling stuff at signals is a brilliant idea, If only there was a do-gooder organization that was looking for an idea....

Alpha Za said...

@ Spiky: Hey, thanks, glad you enjoyed the post!

I love the idea for the Virginity Awards. Madonna can be a judge.

Aw, we'll name an award after you.

Ghausia said...

Just imagine what if the aunties found out you put up such shame shame pics on your blog? How will they find a good rishta for you then? THE HORROR!

Ohhh that is pretty cool! I'd get to stay out after 5PM? SWEET!Oh but what if someone sees me and thinks, Rashid's beti is out at night with friends she's a bad character, Papa would be upset about that toooo!

Oh come on Murtaza instant noodles? Seriously? Do you want me to give you my kickass Thai noodles recipe which are actually healthy since they're not instant food?

I don't have the heart to tell Sana yet dude. I already annoy her a lot as it is. :D

Also, how many slices of an 11 inch 8 slices pizza too many?

Ugly Shoelace said...

I bequeath you my beard. Hahaha! Hilarious.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I think most Aunties have given up on me.

I think you should also invest in a secret disguise....a Burqa for starters.

No, I'm quite happy with my awesome knorr noodles!

I'm sure she adores you in her own way.

I think Pizza is one of those wonderful things that you can consume dozens of pieces without it being too many. it is spoken.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ugly Shoelace: Haha, thanks, glad you enjoyed the post!

HumorSmith said...

Yeesh. I came here to laugh and ended up getting educated. You have completely disarmed me and rendered my snarkiness ineffective. Loved it!!

Ghausia Rashid Salam said...

I think the aunties gave up on me. Mom keeps them away cause according to her, I'm too unpresentable i.e. fat to be 'seen'. :D Oh you know what, I was at a cousin's wedding few days back and my cousins, they're like, totally conservative and old-fashioned, nice people but you know, the type that think science is the way and arts is a waste of intelligence and that girls should be married off at sixteen, that type. So a mamun of mine goes, when will it be your turn to sit up there on stage? And I was like, mamun you'll have to wait about four or five years so he goes that's what you're saying dil ke baat bolo na and I was like mamun I have to study, then I'll be working for a few years, then maybe I'll consider marriage. So I am now officially awara lol. They expect that if girls work they'll be going out after hours partying boozing around etc. I am awaaara lalalalala!

I would never do the burqa thing, in school and college I grew to hate any girl that wore the burqa cause I always knew that they were doing it cause their janu said so or so that they wouldn't be recognized on their dates. Cunts.

But Knorr isn't healthy! *pouts* Its junk food!

Oh that's what papa says all the time. :D She's so cute and bouncy and happy all the time, how can you not like her! I'm done gushing now. :D

See, this is why I like you Murtaza, you always say the right thing. So 5 slices isn't too much huh? :D

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I like the gotprayer.com resource. Thanks. They have me on hold. They're a little confused about what to do with a Jewish gal.

Shari said...

Woe you really worked on this post.

The maggie reference the marriage reference. Awesome. The way you put pictures is also commending. very relevant pictures.

Mariam said...

Nice piece Murtaza, as always, though I was expecting something on our desi version of Valentine Day ':P

The Reason You Come said...

Haven't been here in a while. I was busy joining poetry communities and migrating my blog to a different host. But I enjoy your writing, and that is why I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award: http://beatofmydrum.com/?p=4184. Hope you'll accept! :)

I'll drop by again to read more of your posts.

Ghausia said...

Murtaza where are you dude? Did the aunties finally get to you?

Mariam said...

I think Ghausia is right : D

Ghausia said...

Oh noo. Bechara. :( Fare thee well Murtaza. We'll always remember the laughter you gave our lives, even if there's none anymore in yours. :(

*draws veil over head*

Ghausia said...

Murtaza I'm this close to Facebook stalking you to see if you're alive. :P Blog damnit, I'm bored and demand laughter!

Falaxy said...

that word "Compro"...
i don't know whether i should laugh or cry...

Yo Mista! said...

Dude, post more. You haven't written in ages!

Ahsan said...

Why Pakistanis are so much divided?

jack said...

One of the best Pakistani Matrimonial site named as ZarooratRishta Is also freely available with a huge no. of matches. you just ave to make a choice.