EID! EID!....oh Miserable Eid.

Now, I'm usually the sort of guy who is all for anything resembling a holiday, hell, I even get excited during half-work days (cheap thrills, I realize), so a four day Eid weekend should theoretically be celebrated with a gusto bordering on a three day Depeche Mode rave at the Play boy mansion...or a Pakistan sports team actually winning something*; it's been a while, I can go either way.

*Aisam Ul Haq; "Second Place is First Loser"

There is just something about THIS Eid, that didn't sit well with me. Whether it's the flood victims, incompetent corrupt officials, cricket scandals, or the lack of world peace (apparently really matters to all the Miss World Candidates; how can I not support their passion?)

I used to like Eid as a kid, the (theoretically) cool gifts, envelopes theoretically full of money and everyone lining up to tell you how great you are (thankfully that aspect hasn't changed). Now that the shoe is on the other foot (Damn having to Grow Up!), I'm rather less enthralled by the process.

Maybe one should get stacks of 5 rupee notes and give them out 100 bucks at a time. It'll look way cooler and keep the Hounds off my trail....particularly as my strategy entails throwing the said notes up in the air like a Baller at a Casino. 

Everyone is chasing you for money (by chasing, I mean chasing you down); Whether it's little rabid children, to whom you are only loosely related to, or the local sweepers who feel totally justified in banging your door down all day to ask for Eidhi (after all, after a year of neglect they finally cleaned your street the previous month); everyone who sees you is just excited to augment Eid Cash Hoardings.

Now I know I shouldn't mind, I make decent money and get a fair amount of cash for Eid, but something about the expectation of doling out dough that annoys and ruins the gift giving act to me. Particular when it erupts into a dollar denominated tsunami of who collected or gave more Eidhi; personally I'd rather stay in the former category, but alas more wishful thinking on my part (did I mention how awesome world peace is?).

Itchy Brand New Clothes: I am a terrible shopper. The only new clothes I've bought since I've come back to Pakistan are office shirts (I look very snazzy thank you very much). I really don't need yet another Eid occasion Shalwar kameez that has to suffer my complete awkwardness.

Odds are I won't wear it for the rest of the year. Sadly, it's almost always the kind that makes my body shake like a fire ant attack.I never get into that 'breaking it in' phase. I'm a waste of a good overpriced Shalwar Kameez.

Women tend to take Eid to a whole new level of wardrobe hell. how many Naked Sheep have they left in their wake I can only imagine..... There is winter wear, wedding wear, summer wear and Eid wear. Eid is twice a year and lasts a combined total of less than a week. And let's not pretend they judge each other like they were on America's Satan's Next Top Model.

Graveyard: I understand that it's important to pay one's respect to the dead, but it seems odd to go from somber grieving to the Desi equivalent of a house party. Who came up with that?

Eid Prayers: I and every other Muslim male (Fair occasion Muslims or otherwise) wake up earlier on Eid than on any typical work day (going to bed at 3am because of Chaand Raat doesn't help matters either). How does that come under the definition of a holiday?

Last I checked holidays were for sleeping in. Since Eid gives the mosque it's largest (incidently most apathetic) annual audience, the resident Cleric feels obligated to treat us all with the longest sermon humanly possible at 7 am in the morning. He calls it providing guidance, I call it Cheap Disposable Eidhi.

Germs: We are a country that strongly believes in the romantic ideals of Personal Space. On Eid, you hug everyone in sight and shake their hands like they cured cancer. If by some miracle you didn't get sick during ramzan, during Eid it's definitely a miracle if you don't catch something from the barbarian horde of germ swapping huggers.

If anyone has a hugging fetish, celebrating Eid naturally fits the bill. Why someone doesn't take the day off and set up a street stall selling Sanitizer is beyond me.

City Tour: I love Karachi, but just because I love my city doesn't mean I enjoy the scenic jaunts to slums like North Nazimabad (just kidding, I hate it because it's far). On a holiday, I rather stay at home or go somewhere that's well....fun. Egregious notion on my part, I realize. Maybe next year I'll get a tour bus...or just invest in a GPS. 

Mithai Overload: I love Sawwayya (vermicelli noodles) as much as the next Pakistani, infact I often thought I could eat an entire Harry Potter Cauldron full of the stuff.

However, wishful thinking translated into my male testosterone compelling me to try (read succeed) to finish the vat. But by my 7th innappropriately large bowl I realize that I may have both clogged my arteries and ravaged my taste buds to such an extent that they could hardly differentiate between munching an apple and consuming toxic waste.

Now, if there really is a sugar shortage (I'm all about the Zionists being behind everything) and has accordingly become obscenely expensive, then why is everyone being loaded up with enough sugar to inflict diabetes to a 5 year old. I'm confident that if we skip Eid for a year, we'll have enough sugar to last a few sweet tea enfused decades.

Over eating: You spend the entire holy month of Ramadan being famished; you don't eat all day, your stomach accordingly compresses and shrinks to the size of a baby fist; and then we decide that we should celebrate the imbalance by eating enough food to feed a family of elephants......every hour or so.

There is nothing worse than stuffing one's post fasting pea pod of a stomach with an insane variety and quantity of  food at iftaari; then Eid comes along and I'm reminded that atleast during Ramadan, it's acceptable to stop eating without offending the world in general.It's not what do you want to eat, it becomes a how much can someone charmingly jam down your throat without causing a leech splattering tummy explosion. 

Mehndi: That CRAP STINKS! It's poop colored muck that its odd patterns all over a girls hands and arms. How does that connect to festivity??? Is their a mud wrestling extravaganza that I'm not invited to? And what's with the bangles? All I hear about how flimsy they are and how they keep breaking after the first 35 hugs of the day!

Usually, when Eid comes around, we think of the things we want, be it treats, or an assortment of cool gifts, and hey maybe even that electronic extravagence that you had been saving up for. I'm no different, but for some strange reason I didn't want an Eid complete with a shiny new phone or a riddiculously awesome TV (I wouldn't say no), I wanted something that I know that I wouldn't get.

I really wanted some Pakistani Leaders that aren't charismatically flawed pieces of stinking horse shit. That would make me strikingly happy and make it feel a bit more like something worth celebrating.....for everyone.

Oh yeah, Belated Eid Mubarak/Rosh Hashana/Holidays Peeps!

Congratulations, we can totally do the opposite of what we were supposed to be doing in Ramzan without feeling like abnormally bad Muslims. The whole wasting my time on useless activities was really getting to me.

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