Monday, November 8, 2010

Life is Beautiful: Unrelenting Optimism


I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of  'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.


Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!


Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!


Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!


The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!

Pakistan/US Relations: Just bribe us and get it over with.
Now many may mistake the relationship our nation has with our international friends aka the goras whom we affectionately call Obama, which is funny, because he's not gora, but we're too polite to say anything. Contrary to popular misconception, we're actually the best of friends. Infact they come over for sleep overs all the time, lend us money every so often, even though we never actually pay them back, they even look after our borders for us! Such silly news anchors we have, what more can one ask for in a friend?

Pakistan is AWESOME!; Ignore Anything Else I've Said to the Contrary.

The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!

The More Glasses the Merrier

Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.

Dealing With Inflation: Where there is a will, there is a Way!
Women have rights, plenty of rights, in fact I distinctly recall offering all women the right to come on over to my house clean the dishes, tidy up my room and make me a nice tasty meal (I prefer Lasagne), I'm sure all other Pakistani men are just as generous. We're an inviting lot you know! Almost to a fault, I daresay. We invited these Taliban chaps, and they like it here so much (duh, we're awesome...and tight), they decided to stay. Slumber parties for all!

Don't date Prudence! Prudence is Not Halal! YAY Overspending!
Government over spending, you see every once in a while, the world's economic powers would date a girl called 'Prudence', but since prudence is not a Muslim name (and is probably promiscuous as a result), we decided that it's in the best interest of the nation to shy away from her and over spend, just so that she doesn't get that idea that we're open to temptation. Besides, why would the most perfect Islamic state in all the lands, follow the fiscal example of the rest of the world? Sheer lunacy.

Optimism is believing these Girls are all 21 and have no STD's
Besides, the more we borrow to spend now, the harder our children will have to work in paying off our debt, and we as a society want nothing more than for our future generations to develop a strong work ethic. A bunch of Lazies they will never be!


Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.


A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

88 comments:

Maryam said...

Wow! Published by DAWN! Hilarious! I love the emphasis on positivity. We all know that's one thing we're in dire need of :S

Christopher said...

Now that's what I call good sarcasm.

Riot Kitty said...

I love the chicken cartoon!

Furree Katt said...

congratulations on being published by DAWN! this was really funny, i enjoyed reading it. SARCASM/OPTIMISM FTW!

Anuradha said...

Haha I can relate to this. Hilarious. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Maryam: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! Optimism ought to come in pill form ;)

I've actually been writing for Dawn for a while, since I was 16 actually.
Here is a link to my Blogs for them.

http://blog.dawn.com/author/murtaza-ali-jafri/

@ Christopher: Thanks buddy.

@ Riot Kitty: That cartoon is utterly perfect ;)

@ Furree Katt: Haha, thanks, it's not exactly a new phenomenon, but I appreciate the love and support.

Here is a link with my other Dawn logs.
http://blog.dawn.com/author/murtaza-ali-jafri/

@ Anuradha: Thanks, odd how both India and Pakistan have the same problems ;) Glad you enjoyed it!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The hot chick photos are becoming your trademark. I hope they published them in Dawn>, along with the "gora" stuff. Is that actually the same as the word for "horse" or is there a slight difference?

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: I thought being funny and satirical was my trademark?

Dawn tends to chop and move around most of what I write, they fear the whole being sued thing. Gora actually means 'fair skinned' aka White person. Ghorra means horse. So slight difference.

Furree Katt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Furree Katt said...

i certainly did not know that, thanks for enlightening me!
still, congratulations. and i'm honoured to know you :D

Pesto Sauce said...

Never knew you wrote for Dawn...so thats where command of language comes from

Ghausia said...

Murtaza, do you have the flu? Amusing as this is (as always), it sounds a lot like the kind of things I say when hopped up on flu meds. (I have a tendency to scarf down every pill and syrup in sight, and then proceed to send strange messages to people on FB).

Saaleha said...

I read this on the Dawn Blog, but it was MUCH more entertaining unedited. (Y)

Ria said...

Oh wow!! U sure know how to use words to ur advantage. Loved the tinge of sarcasm in this post.

Mariam said...

Once of the best piece of satire I ever read. And as a matter of fact, I am actually trying to practice most of these things, otherwise the present condition of the country leaves you with a great depression, which is actually an unhealthy practice : D
aAng again, the pictures are awesome.

Great to see your contributions in Dawn blog, woww, and I read most of your pieces out there, I just came to know now. And I remember sharing your article 'It’s hard being a man' on my facebook once : )

Alpha Za said...

@ Furree Katt: You're making me blush and inflating my ego. It's a dangerous combination, but thank you.

@ Pesto Sauce: As much as Dawn would like to take credit for my writing prowess, most of the accolades are probably better served by being appropriated to Karachi Grammar School, Hamilton College and my mother's insistence that I read Classics.

@ Ghausia: No flu as yet, please don't share yours with me. I guess in a way I ought to be glad we're not facebook friends and you're not sending me indecipherable messages.

Pill scarfing is always bad unless you wash it down with some Apple Sidra.

@ Saaleha: Thanks, I appreciate that, probably because I thought so too.

@ Ria: Thanks for the comment, sarcasm Zindabad!

@ Mariam: Thank you! That is actually a very humbling compliment.

Good luck! I hope you succeed, you'll be as happy as a clam...assuming you're not slated for a menu any time soon.

I remember that particular piece quite fondly, it was one of my earlier ones. Glad you enjoyed it enough to share it. Hope my other pieces will eventually strike your fancy as well!

Mariam said...

Thanks for wishing me luck and lol @menu

And I enjoy reading your posts, indeed one of the best blogs I came across. Keep enlightening us with your writings : D

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: Aw, thanks, you know how much I like yours as well, it keeps my political juices flowing!

Please do keep me appraised with regards to your progress in the Unrelenting Optimism front!

Mariam said...

Sure : )

Ghausia said...

My flu is so evil, I kept torturing my best friend all day yesterday, he's used to it by now but still. I'm a mopey sick person dude, plus at one point, I was having trouble breathing which made me panic, which obviously didn't help matters.

Oh dude, you would so love being on my FB when I'm sick, people tell me that when I say I have the flu, the first thing they do when they wake up is check my FB to see all the drunken statuses and wall posts I've made. The messages are coherent enough, just very rambly and I apologized to the poor girl for it later.

Ugh blegh Apple Sidra,really dude? All the kewl people drink Coke don't you know.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

I'm happy when manipulative lying deceitful people aren't granted opportunities by cheating the system to get ahead.

Insert smile here.

You can never change the world to be a better place to live in by deceiving people.

But on a positive note, they won't win in the end. :)

Mayank said...

Good intelligent post. I always like such posts which convey deep things thru dash of good sarcasm.. Keep it up :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: Thanks!

@ Ghausia: This evil flu must be stopped! Though I'm sure your friend was highly amused by your random messages. No person sick is a saint, we're all fallible and in our moments of weakeness, tend to exhibit our most bizarre qualities. Friendships are based on the tolerance levels of abnormal bizarro-ness.

You should make events for when you are sick and ensure you have a substantial mailing list to entertain with your bouts of random posting.

The cool people used to drink coke before the uncool people started copying them. However, it's still cool enough to drink coke I believe (I personally prefer it to Pepsi).

@ Shelly Rayedeane: Welcome to my humble blog. We actually are quite in favor of honest people being granted opportunities to cheat the system, however we seem shy about electing them.

But if you deceive yourself and perceive the world in almost delusional light, wouldn't you be fundamentally happier....again assuming you had both the talent and copious amounts of medication.

Thanks for the comment!

@ Mayank: Thanks! glad you enjoyed the post, I try to give some degree of reasoning to my sarcasm, logic seems to be my preference. Entertainment reigns supreme!

The Adorkable Ditz said...

Yay the universal language of sarcasm!

http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

Ghausia said...

That, plus I'm bizarre anyway. :D

You know, its the oddest thing, when I call people, they hardly ever pick up, nor do they ever text back...

I'm not sure which one I prefer. I have a vague recollection of testing the difference and discovering that one of them was less fizzy and sweeter than the other, but I forgot which so I take what I can get, plus I don't need to get fatter than I am already, so I try to keep the drinks to a minimum. ;)

Either you or I are on the C-list. :D

obssesor said...

LOL! unrelenting optimism! A sign of the times we live in surely.

Amna Chaudhry said...

I don't get why writing for Dawn is such a big deal, it has a few terrile writers as well.

Marijuana would actally help, with regard to your article ^^

And howcoolareyou? you went to Hamilton :D Lib arts colleges FTW.

Alpha Za said...

@ The Adorable Ditz: Yay Sarcastic Satire!

@ Ghausia: haha, I'm sure you aren't that bizarre....probably.

Hmm, maybe it's time to recycle your friends? Or help them get cheaper phone packages. either way.

It's okay to be indifferent, seriously, most people are.

haha, I guess we should both try getting into a swanky club and see who is 'on the list'.

@ Obsessor: Thank you for the comment, glad you enjoyed the piece. I actually kind of wonder if it's a timeless philosophy?

@ Amna Chaudhry: I'll be sure to pass that onto the terrible writers. They'll be thrilled to know that someone noticed. I think Dawn has a wide variety of folks.

As long as you can find a Cleric to preach how halal Marijuana is, we'd all be good to go!

Haha, hey now, I'm proud of my Alma Mater. It was Awesome. Lib arts is bad ass.

Ghausia said...

Nah, you're wrong for once, I'm quite the oddball. It makes life more fun don't you know. :D

Oh they know I'm sick, so they don't talk to me else I start accusing of conspiring against me to steal my brains or some equally stoned shit.

Heh, that was fun, I wanted to keep you dangling about what I mean, clist was the captcha on that comment form. Murtaza, why is it that even the captchas on your blogs have started getting interesting? I am mildly disturbed.

And I should really be finishing the two assignments due tomorrow at eight as well as prepping for the quiz also at 8, but am sitting here talking to you. You suck dude.

Also, a liberal arts college? I so hate you now. :(

Maryam said...

Hey Alpha,

I went through your cfa blog post, and seriously, wow. The problem with me is that at this point in time I am TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I started the course in June (minus 6 weeks of interning and 2 weeks of IBA exams), but the problem is that I'm pretty sure I've forgotten everything. I don't know how to tackle revision and solving questions before Dec 5, which is D-Day *gulp*. Usually, I'm very committed and can study for hours at a stretch. However, my sleep cycle is haywire and I'm tired all the time. Please suggest something that can help me and salvage the remainder of my self-esteem.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You are funny!
On behalf of all Americans, I apologize for starting the complaining thing. We didn't know it would infest the globe. Our bad.
xoRobyn

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: We're all oddballs at heart, it's an ode to individuality.

Well, that would be a pretty epic stoner conversation, brain stealing an all. But you can do so many bad things and excuse yourself for being sick and hence, slightly unhinged.

captchas...Captchas...Captchas! That sounds cool!

Good luck with your assignments.

Liberal Arts are awesome!

@ Maryam: Hey Maryam, glad you enjoyed the CFA post. Don't freak out about it, I actually super freaked out but I got done with the exam rather early.

In terms of forgetting everything, fret not, I did too. what I would recommend is going back to your Schweser study guides and working through the questions at the end of each guide, and if you get stuck, just refer to the answers breakdown.

You'll recall everything in no time. it's like Muscle memory...with the assumption that your brain is a muscle...because it sort of is...unless you're a nerd.

Spend the last 5 days before the exam doing a practice paper every day. and reviewing formulas and the like.

I'd offer you my notes cum cheat sheet, but unfortunately my hand writing is awful.

Your self esteem will be fine, it's an exam like any other. Which reminds me, I ought to start studying for level 2.....

@ Robyn: haha, thanks! apology accepted. America;s bad indeed.

Yo Mista said...

A hilarious post, once again, good sir.

Ghausia said...

Although it must be said, being sick only gives me an excuse to get away with things I wouldn't normally get away with if I was okay, there's a limit to how much oddball-ness people will take after all. :P


Dude, blast, things okay at your end?

Alpha Za said...

@ Yo Mista: Thanks man, glad you enjoyed it!

@ Ghausia: Hey, we all play the hand that we're dealt, and we should make the best of every situation. even if it requires delusional facts production.

Thankfully I'm alright, but alot of others weren't as lucky.

Ghausia said...

Tell that to the moron who wrote the bitchy whiny blog on ET about living in a desi-elite bubble. Why do people assume that living on the other side of the bridge equals elitism? Yes, I just bought two pairs of shoes at Zamzama today, and yes, I have a Rs.200 coffee every week. But I also can't replace the iPod I just lost for a long time, and I don't have branded bags because they're too expensive. If its not the fakeroids, its the bitteroids!

I was actually writing back to you when the blast occurred, the doors and windows shook from the impact. By others you mean the victims that were there or anyone you know?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hey there mister. Another fabulous blog post. seriously.

Have you ever been to the USA?
What is a gora?

My friend here was from Pakastan. She went back to marry some guy she didn't know...did this happen to you as well? and if it did...are you happy and are you in love now.

just asking. :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: ET tends to have a rather wide array of blogs with multiple opinions, I'm sure that there are more than a few people who agree with her, let's face it Elite bashing is in fashion. It's more of a jealousy thing than anything. Bitteroids indeed.

Victims in the blast, a few people I know felt the shock waves, but they are all thankfully okay.

@ Spiky Zora Jones: Thanks Spiky! glad you enjoyed it!

I actually lived in the US for 5 years, 4 years college and worked there for a year afterwards.

Gora means literally means white person, but it is also used as a term for westerners.

haha, thankfully, no! that didn't happen. For me, marriage is not on the cards.

Alka Gurha said...

Very intelligent post laced with subdued sarcasm..We are just so similar..in so many ways.Glad I found your blog.

Alpha Za said...

@ Alka Gurha: Thank you, glad you enjoyed the post. It's a smaller world than we all thought.

Ghausia said...

In fashion indeed, it must be the fifth blog running along these veins. Its just so ridiculous and petty, like we're living in a nation of children, seriously.

People I know felt it all the way in Bahadarubad, in all my 21 years, I've never experienced something like this. I actually skipped morning class(and a quiz) because I was too shaken up to go. Shitty times we live in my friend.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: we are living in a nation of children....statistically. Vast majority of our population is under the age of 25.

Bahadurabad....really. That's quite some distance. Skipping classes and a quiz must have been really painful. On a bright note, think of all the studying that you didn't have to do.

Ghausia said...

See dude, this is why we aren't good friends. I don't hang out with number geeks. Hrmph.

Oh but I LIKE my classes! lol okay I don't like this particular class. I hate it. Its taught by an incredibly old guy, last week, I finally lost patience and just went out and sat playing a game on my phone for about twenty minutes. And its a three hour class too. :( But still, its the last class before exams which start immediately after Eid which sucks.

Also, I am CRAVING shish taouk from BBQ Tonight. I thought you should know that.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: What can I say, I'm a smart Economist. Sue Me...or better yet, invest in my mutual funds.

You like your classes...which is both great and a requisite for entering GEEK Society.

Really old profs can be really funny, because they usually don't care anymore, they just want to get through their classes.

Thank you for the tip, I'm actually kinda Anti-BBQ tonight, I feel that the food has become too touristy. Savor, The Pakistani, Creek Inn, or Afridi Inn...now those are awesome places to eat Pakistani food!

artkapakistan said...

Funny post - I really enjoyed it.

Alpha Za said...

@ artkapakistan: Thanks, glad you it made you laugh. Also nice to know that I'm not the only person still awake at this ungodly hour.

jalalHB said...

Interesting - a light reading

artkapakistan said...

Well, many would disagree and call it a VERY godly hour but as I have no such inclinations, I'd say yes - it was indeed ungodly.

I'm coughing and coughing my lungs out even now. 4am was pretty bad.

Your post was funnier than mine so I had to say something :)

Ghausia said...

I'm a cool geek, all the number geeks are looosers. :P

If it helps, I flunked my way through high school because I just didn't want to study. In college I sort of straightened up, because I got to pick my classes, and actually liked my subjects, and the same pretty much goes in uni, I love my elective subjects, loathe the compulsory ones.

This old teacher isn't that sort, he's really sweet. But I heard the quiz was really weird, so yay me I suppose.

BBQ IS a pretty touristy place, but I'm not much of a Pakistani restaurant fan, I get that for free at home. its a favorite in the family though, so we go there sometimes. And right now, I have the hugest craving for a cupcake or a cake, I'm trying to convince a friend to get a cake from The Cakery with me after Eid. I think considering the fact that she's broke, that's kinda mean of me. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ JalalHB: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I find boring material to lack mental stimulation.

@ Artkapakistan: Well, my mother's tuhujjad sched would certainly agree, and likewise to yourself, i have no such inclinations.

Ouch that sucks, i recommend a thorough regimen of panadols, sancos, augmentin and ofcourse cocaine. No treatment is complete with some good old fashion opium.

Haha, I appreciate the sentiment, though I greatly enjoyed the 'Aunty' Pictures.

@ Ghausia: Cool Geek does not compute. New species?

Pity they make us take specific classes in school, i mean do I really need to know the different kinds of trees in Pakistan? Electives are the way to go, however, titleswise they are seriously misleading.

Look at your Ms. Looking at the Brightside! Yay to skipping the weird quiz.

haha, well we all have our cravings that need to be satiated. Like myself for example. I need a nap.

Kelly said...

Gosh, I didn't know things were so great for everyone these days. Puffs of rose smelling farts are coming out of my butt hole and every one of my glasses are full- full of delicious rum, that is.

Your sarcasm and enthusiasm for life is very much appreciated, sir. Carry on!

Ghausia said...

Eh, lets just go with do-good change the world journalist in training. Thus, cool geek. :D Minus the cliched habits or being bohemian, caring about the environment(fuck Nature dude, it leaves grass stains on my clothes!)doing dope, boozing shoozing, or smoking. Vices=addiction. Oh speaking of booze, my brother in law left his Coke at home so I drank it. I now remember that I prefer Coke cause its less fizzier and sweeter. Yay me! lalalala!

Exactly, who gives a shit about the trees in Pakistan? I used to love history in school, but now I wish they actually had taught me history, and not a warped version of "1965 was instigated by the treacherous Indians" and "The Hindus were evil yo!". I learned true history after years and years, about 1971 and what the 'Islamization' of the country really meant. That is very, very wrong, and is yet another flaw in our fucked up education system.

Eh, its less brightside and more just a nice person. He's a sweet guy, and we constantly take advantage of that. He just speaks really slowly, if I have breakfast and coffee, I can actually listen and understand what he's saying. Of course I always run too late for either, but mom packs me leftover noodles that I quickly scarf down before class, assuming of course, that there are noodles in the fridge and this is what happens when I drink too much coke which is why papa says its bad for me, well that and it makes me fatter than I already am and being fat is bad and gives you lots of diseases not to mention makes you unattractive.

See, a craving for a nap can easily be satiated. How on earth do I score cake without incurring the wrath of parents exasperated by my refusal to lose weight?!

Alpha Za said...

@ Kelly: haha, you're hilarious dude. Glad you enjoyed the post.

@ Ghausia: Haha, I fail to see the connection between booze and coke, unless the Coke was spiked.

I think a few folks from the ministry of forestry might care. Those things tend to make oxygen afterall. Our education system is basically a delivery system for Pro-Paki propaganda. Can you imagine if this government could re-write history as per their liking?

Moms are the best, think of all the good you are doing to the economy by consuming so much coke. Helping to keep people in work no less! Your dad is a man of logic.

Just eat only cake and nothing else. It's worth a shot.

Ghausia said...

Booze gets you drunk, Coke gets me hyper. See, there's your connection. Wheeee!

If the ministry of forestry(is that even real?!)cared so much, they'd do a better job of protecting our trees. Hah!

See, I'm keeping children from falling victim to obesity! I'm doing a good deed! :D

Dude, I'm going to end up in a cake induced high if I do that, and I'll keep torturing you with my hyperness then. BUAHAHAHA. Yay sugar. Well not right now obviously. I put honey in my coffee this morning, but I can hardly taste it cause I put in a little cause I wasn't sure what it would taste like. I'm attempting to cut down on sugar cause of the price hike. Sob.

artkapakistan said...

No thanks. No drugs for me. Orange juice overdose maybe. And brandy. Always helps.

Aunties are basically farm animals - wouldn't you agree?

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: haha, I can see why that makes sense to you.

Im sure they are guarding the head honchos own trees with extreme prejudice....and Rocket Launchers.

Thumbs up to good deeds!

Honey in coffee...wtf? Such sacrilege is not to be tolerated. I can accept Canderal or SweetnLow but not honey! Never!

Just steal sugar packets from espresso, I'm sure your bag can fit quite a few ;)

@ Artkapakistan: Are you mixing the brandy with the orange juice? Because I'm not entirely sure whether or not that concoction would cure you or send you to the taste bud hell. Either way, it sounds like a fun adventure.

I wouldn't say they 'Are Basically Farm Animals'.....I might think it...and laugh...alot.

artkapakistan said...

Well, I'd SAY it and probably get into trouble :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Artkapakistan: haha, thanks for taking one for the team!

Ghausia said...

We have rocket launchers? I assumed that all we had were rickety guns and sharp stones attached to long sticks.

Mom said canderel has sugar in it too so I can't use that! lol while it is true that my bag is HUGE(on days when we have late classes, I smuggle food to uni in it:D) that's not the point. If the poor can't have sugar, then I'll refuse to have it till the sugar prices go down. Thus, as WTF-worthy as honey in coffee is, its all I got. :( Look, I feel like a pompous douchebag, declaring my intents to give up sugar, but even if one person doesn't make a difference, its more the principle of the matter. Oh lord there is just no way to not sound like a douchebag here is there?

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: We have lots of rocket launchers, they are usually mounted on rickshaws. They'll be handy when we decide to invade what's left of Afghanistan.

That is very convoluted, but yes, no way you can make your way through it without sounding like a D-bag. How much cheaper is honey than sugar anyway?

Ghausia said...

Why would we go after Afghanistan? They're our Muslim brothers don't you know, we're going to go after the kafirs of India. Their ancestors were meen to us, remember?

Um, I dunno, but if it helps, the honey we have is months old! Sigh. I just wanted to do a good thing by not having sugar! Sob.

vodka and ground beef said...

Wow. I feel inspired. So what you're saying is that I'm not broke, I'm just able to do more things like sit in nature and eat Spam because they don't cost as much?

I feel so much better.

Smokey_Cat said...

wow. I really admire your optimism! Very snappy! Hence your blog name I suppose.

But it is true- We as Pakistanis and a society in general just LOVE wallowing in self-pity. It gives one this grim satisfaction.

It's disgusting- but admittedly hard to escape from!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: That is exactly why we'd liberate them. Those lithium reserves aren't going to exploit themselves. We all have waay too many Indian relatives.

Stale Honey.....Ghausia For The Win!

@ vodka and ground beef: Exactly, Glad I could make you feel better, it's what I do.

@ Smokey_Cat: Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post!

We all have our talents, collectively, as a nation, we excel at self pity.

We all play the hand we're dealt, some just play them much better. Most just give up and cry about it.

Ghausia said...

Oh but the Indian relatives would act as spies for us! :D

Oh also, I thought of one more thing, honey isn't consumed as much as sugar is in Pakistan! I mean, sure maybe some people like it, but do they put it in the tea they have three times a day? I think not! They put in SUGAR! Which is now expensive! Yay me!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Haha, none the less, let's not fight a country with an actual military.

haha, very good point. But also alot less honey is produced in the first place. You may want to rethink that supply v demand logic. Besides, the more honey you consume, the more bee stinging parasites will cover the air!

Ghausia said...

Yes true, we must keep with our rep of being a bunch of pansy-assed pussies, not to mention, India'a already whupped our asses quite a few times. (Father would be so distressed if he ever heard me speaking such unpatriotic things.)

You know what, I think I'll just stick to the sugar-free vanilla creamer. Happy? :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Haha, it's making me quite distressed.

haha, it's not the same, but whatever rocks your boat.

Ghausia said...

What are you distressed about, its the truth. India did not treacherously attack us in 65, they retaliated to our covert operations. Nor did they assist Bangladesh in breaking away, WE tortured and raped the poor land into fighting for their freedom. I feel like the murders at Partition were justification because of what the so-called poor Muslims would do to their own kind decades later the fuckers. It may be distressing, but its true.

Eh I just put in tons of creamer. Its good enough. I also had sugarless tea at the bhabi's home today. Not fun. Blech. Uh oh I just realized that the mousse I ate probably had sugar in it. Woops. You know, there's nothing I appreciate more than people that know how to cook. There's so few of them out there. I love my bhabi! And her family!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: haha, wow, you are certainly having a hate Pakistan moment. I think facts are pliable, we aren't angels, neither are they.

Next time just dump the mousse straight into your mug. It's an idea.

Perhaps that's your cue to learn how to cook? I'm sure the Bhabi has mad love for you as well.

Ghausia said...

lol its not a hate Pakistan moment dude, but it just irks me how twisted our history is. I mean, sure, what India is doing in Kashmir is horrible, I had a friend in Srinagar who fled back to America because of how bad things were there. But we've done our share of bad things too, all I ever learned in school was how India stole part of our country from us. Nothing was ever mentioned about the atrocities we committed against our own countrymen. Facts are pliable Murtaza, but to an extent. Granted, they did a lot of bad shit too, but so have we.

Oh the tea came after the mousse, and also, gross!

Oh I know how to cook dude, I make kickass food. Unfortunately, not everyone I know does. Do you have any idea how awful it is to stuff food in your mouth when you really want to spit it out or something?

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Let's ask the average Pakistani and see how that version goes.

I agree, neither are angels. But we both aren't going to agree on history, hence the desire to preserve our own versions. It's straight up patriotic yo. FTW!

I never said it was a good idea.

Um yes. I hate Cauliflower. I used to swallow the stuff whole to avoid contaminating my taste buds.

The trick to play with your food and squish it down to small tiny piece so it looks like your helping has gotten smaller.

Ghausia said...

Oooohh that means you believe the flawed history the government shoves down our throats. Your awesomeness meter just went down a few notches. I find that devastating. Sob.

Oh God I have so much sympathy for you. Cauliflower, bleeegh. I just start gagging, I can't choke it down. I remember when my sister was newly engaged, I went with my mom to give her fiance 'eidi' and he found out I was coming just as I was leaving, and quickly ordered pizza for me. And I hate pizza. I choked down two slices just for his sake because he's so sweet.

Its worse on Eid because I'm not a meat fan as it is, and people just, I don't even know what they do to their meat dude. Horrible.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Haha, it means I'm a realist. Everyone lies about the past.

You hate Pizza....why oh why oh why? Your awesomeness metere just collapsed a few notches.

Pity that meat is so tasty.

Ghausia said...

Look, its not my fault, its the yeast content in it or something, it makes me vomit my insides out! Plus, I don't like the taste of it damnit! My sister keeps trying to make me try out the thin crust one, and I stubbornly refuse on the grounds that all my comit will end up on her and that will wreck our relationship.

The meat would be tasty if it was cooked well dude. Why do people insist on making seekh kebab at home?!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thin crust is amazing. I think your sister is displaying her propensity for risk. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

We all like a dash to recklessness in our lives and our foods. Which is why we also eat raw fish.

Ghausia said...

Tell you what, next time I'm at Espresso, I'll get their thin crust and let you know how it works out. :D If I throw up, I shall leave a flaming bag of it at your door. Well no not really I'd be a bad fangirl if I do. But in my head I shall imagine that I did it and then I shall feel bad.

You can keep your raw fish. I also despise seafood with a fiery passion. And I just made really great chili which is very very nice. I haven't eaten it yet but I know its kickass because I'm a kickass cook. I can't make haleem.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Solid decision. Im so glad that you don't know where I live. Imagining it is cool.

Sushi is amazing. You are missing out. Being a kick ass cook, is excellent for your Marriage CV....hell, it's probably good for any CV. damn right useful skill.

Ghausia said...

It is cooler, plus I don't feel bad about being mean to you because you're really awesome and I really like you! Yeah I dunno. Blame it on the exams.

I'm glad to miss out dude, ew. lol I love that, people think I'm so gharilo because I cook well but mom is exhausted with how 'phuar' I am, I'm the farthest thing from a 'sughar zaal' which is probably one of the few things I know in Sindhi. Cooking is very, VERY important. I love boys that can cook, its so self-sufficient and totally not unmanly at all!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Agreed, We should release a fatwa against exams.

I would again like to point out that sushi is amazing. I think it needed to be re-iterated.

I deny all of my cooking skills because I rather chill and watch TV than cook, besides, Dominoes and Mr. Burger Deliver.

For guys, being able to cook is a great covert ops kind of skill. Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you do it to just anyone.

Ghausia said...

Oh lord fatwas. Thank you for reminding me of the breastfeeding thing. Blegh.

Eww Mr. Burger, really? Oh well, my own brother has been known to go on a month long seekh kebab diet so I can't judge. :D

I love guys that cook. I remember when my sister had her first kid mom spent the night at the hospital with her and me and my other sister woke up in the morning, and the trail of chai stains from the kitchen to the bedroom explained that our dad had attempted to make himself tea. The horror. Cooking is much more important than the size of a dude's paycheck. Wait, no, then he can't buy me Vincci shoes. Okay its just as important, better. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I can't help your mental reflex Ms. Fan Girl.

Bite your tongue! Mr. Burger is Amazing.

A sizable paycheck also pays for dinners and a full time cook to make them.

Ghausia said...

That Fangirl title sounded contemptuous. Sob.

Duuude my sister got something from there and the meat was raw ew!

Eh, I don't like having cooks. A lot of times I make my dinner at like, nine in the night, but it beats having a cook, I think I get that from my dad, he doesn't like indolence and would prefer we do such things on our own. You know, he's not as much of a killjoy as I make him sound lol. He's just like, all traditional values and shit and full of morals and right and wrong. Too bad for him, I turned out pretty immoral but some things, sadly enough, stick with me and make me a partypooper. :D

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Aw, E-Hug

So whats your point?

haha, I think for the sake of your Fathers happiness, you ought to be left just the way you are.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

That was a funny rebuttal to my comment. Thanks for the laugh!

I actually believe to say "we" in a sentence is quite delusional because it is a way of generalizing and saying people should be able to cheat the system if they are honest but I doubt all honest people would cheat the system.

As far as copious amounts of medication goes, I don't believe in drugs and if people think drinking dubious amounts of alcohol makes them talented, I beg to differ.

But hey, that doesn't mean some people wouldn't dub them as "honest" and cheat the system for them, now does it?

What I meant by they do not win in the end is because a person can hide only so long behind dishonesty before it catches up to them.

Thus, being optimistic only helps if one is honest with oneself and doesn't use their money to be dishonest or to attempt to silence those who actually are.

If a person has true talent, they don't need to pull a Tanya Harding. That was my point.

She would have been a far more talented woman if she just would have believed in herself instead of paying off all of those people to silence someone or using bullying tactics to manipulate the odds.

She was optimistic and IN THE END, her optimism failed her, because she was merely a very nice deceitful person and eventually the truth came out to shed light on the true person she really was beyond all of those pictures.

Alpha Za said...

@ Shelly Rayedeane: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

I would hope that relatively few people would cheat the system, it would lead to a definitional conundrum.

History is laden with artists and personalities that may beg to differ.

In Pakistan the corrupt folk don't seem too bothered by being labeled as dishonest, going with the flow brotherhood if you will.

Its alot easier to be optimistic if you have the resources to pay off the media, they are a rather accomodating lot when money is on the table. A fair number of precocious spin doctors that would make Bill O'Rielley proud would also agree.

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