I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of 'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.
Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!
Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!
Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!
The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!
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The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!
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Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.
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Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.
A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com