The Way Men See It

Why I Wrote This: 

News Flash: Men do resent women on the volumetric amounts of complaints and whining that they are allowed....it's bloody annoying, particularly as it's not manly to whine about anything short of losing a bet and having to donate a Kidney to the local Taliban Charity.

Men and Women think differently, that's a fact. But I think we need to shed some more light on how different we really are. Some things just need to be said.

Face Value: When a guy is on facebook and see's a girl whose profile picture is a cartoon, he doesn't think how cute that is, he assume that she's fat, ugly or a mutation of both. He is very likely to laud her ‘wonderful’ personality. Which is why Women see diets as a way to improve their health and look more appealing, men see diets as punishments for future crimes (that we are likely to commit, such as noticing ‘hot friends’).

Men will tell Women they look awesome in high heels (which they do). Women take that to mean we enjoy causing them pain and making it harder for them to run away from their oppressed lives. Women reciprocate by telling guys they look great in the most uncomfortable shoes available...no reason...just unadulterated revenge.

Food Tactics: The easiest way into a man's heart is his stomach, we are emotionally susceptible to fall in love with good cooks, infact food is our defacto tie breaker. Horrible but true, but since women use the size of men’s bank accounts as their rishta tie breakers, men find food to be both fair and prudent. Note: There has been no proof that women have hearts. It is thought that they develop them once they bear children…Until then, bank accounts it is.

Transportation: Men will rush to change a woman's flat tire for the very simple reason that it's shameful to let her do it on her own. A feminist views this as part of mans strategy to continually oppress women, after all a women is less likely to escape their horrible lives by car if they don't know how to change a tire. A minority of Women also cite the inflationary high cost of manicures.

Legal Standards: Women keep a wary eye on the laws passed in parliaments as a way to subjugate women. Men don't notice what laws are passed in parliament...because they don't really matter. Did anyone know that Smoking Indoors is actually illegal?...certainly not the restaurants that sell them off the menu. 

Guys are practical with regards to corruption, we do the math on how much it costs to bribe a policeman and pay the fee. Women are never in a situation to bribe policemen because all they have to do is roll their eyes and refer to the 'distinguished' Police wala as 'Bhai'. Because obviously, it’s only corruption when money is changing hands.

Work Place Environment: Men don't harass women at the work place, we appreciate them. Particularly when there is a good chance that they'll feed us. Women don't harass men at the work place unless there is a good chance it could result in all paid for shopping spree with an option for a life time commitment; Men work late to avoid going home to their wives. Women work late because their trying to get a guy to make them their wife.

Women can leave work early to go home and tend to the kids, men have to stay as long as it takes to get the job done. And yes, we resent you for it, though we try to be understanding about it. If a guy leaves work early, it's because he's a kaam chor or 'lazy', if a women leaves work early its because she has 'pressing family matters' to attend to.

The Home Life: Guy's see the home as a place to unwind after work. Women see their jobs as a place to unwind and the household where they have to do real work. Women see running, cleaning and caring for the household as a major responsibility, pity, as men couldn't care less as long as we are fed and we can find our stuff.

It’s not that we don’t provide feed back. Men are excellent at feedback, if we don't appreciate something that's done for us, it's not because we didn't notice, it is because we never cared enough about it in the first place. If the lady of the house puts more vegetables on the table, we might eat them and say nothing, but if she programs our TV to record late night T-20 matches, a guy is almost guaranteed to worship the ground she walks on. Try it…

Men Never Get to be Right: A man will tell a women that she's right, even when she's not, for nothing else than our piece of mind. Women, as far as recorded history can tell have never been wrong, and if they on occasion do admit they are wrong, they do it in the most condescending method possible. We don’t want to be right, if it makes you pissed and our lives a living hell till you forget our transgression (for proving you wrong)…which might take a few years.

Women see romantic ads, sigh and then yell at their guys for being so boorish in comparison, Guys look at that same ad, silently curse the male ‘model’, and wonder why the onus is on them to be romantic…was it in the Nikah Nama? And then (a smart) guy will turn to his partner, smile and tell her that she's right.

There is also a very practical reason why a guy will never fight with a woman in public. For starters, because every guy in hearing distance will flip out and smack that boy’s head so hard, that it’ll look positively cartoonish (and quite rightly so). Women yell at men in public so that every guy in hearing distance will rush to her ‘aid’ and beat that boy to a shiny messy pulp. Thank you Patriarchal Protectionism.

The Big Idea:

Men are hardly perfect in their own right, but we live with our faults and silently bear our imperfections, for no other reason that we want to be better than we really are, which is deserving of the ‘perfect girl’. But we are faced with female hypocrisy at every turn and it makes us wonder if perfect is just the veil of love. Do men oppress women or do women oppress men?

The sad reality is that Men tell women horrible things because they are largely the truth, women say awful things to men to hurt them. It’s already a messy unfair world, but the question is that do we have to be as well? Or can we rise above it and hold ourselves to a higher standard. We are different, but indeed equal in every possibly measurable way.

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Women & The Myths: My Turn!!!

Why I Wrote This:

Around a month ago I wrote a blog for dawn.com regarding Men & the Myths, and a few days a response piece Women & the Myths was published, I found it quite entertaining and felt that I should add my two cents and correct her where she went a bit astray.... I naturally also have my unedited blog posting...

1. Women Are Age Conscious: There is possibly no creature ever created that is more age conscious than a woman. The entire cosmetics industry relies on women's age appropriate insecurities. The goal for a woman, is to look like she's is perpetually 29. Apparently there is something magical about that number. Men, don't care. The older we get, the better looking we get. Women look hot in their teens while guys look scrawny and awkward. Men date younger women because we can. Older women find it exceedingly difficult to date younger men for the very simple reason that guys have no desire to date men their mothers age.

2. Women Are Weight Conscious: Yes, they are. Women care more about their weight than any  man in the history of time ever has. And with good evidence, has anyone seen a really successful obese women? Obese women don't get promoted to the top of their organization or Marry stellar looking guys. Men luckily can be the size of a whale and still make CEO, In fact in Italian culture, a man with a significant pot belly is referred to as a man of respect. Gotta Love the hypocrisy. oh and it goes without saying that fat men with big bank accounts can generally get their pick of hottie gold digging elite.

3. Women are Bad Drivers: Yes, they are. For the very simple reason that guys can zone out and thinking about nothing while they drive. Women have the amazing capacity to think about everything and  worry about anything that could possibly happen. Which is why women aren't issued licenses to operate heavy duty vehicles....and motor cycles. Besides, God said so, which is why women aren't allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia! Men Drive cars because they enjoy the experience, women drive cars because they enjoy where they take them...typically the malls. In Pakistan this has resulted in men hiring Chauffeurs for their women folk....bad drivers or just plain Genuis?

4. Women Are Shopoholics: Women are incorrigible Shopoholics, women love the experience, they cherish it and find it as addictive as men find Video Games. However, video games are a one time cost, whereas womens shopping tends to be life long journey of discovery for the perfect black dress, the perfect shoes etc...hint: they don't exist, The female form has the tendency to change over time.....I'm just saying. Women also equate it to a sport, however I'd like to point out that most sports are time bound and have clear objectives....unless they consider spending as much money as they can in an allotted amount of time as 'objectives', which reminds me why some men won't give their wives these things called 'credit cards'.

Men brag about how little they paid for something, women brag about how large the amount they paid was. Usually when it is their boyfriends money. When they do save a token amount on things like peas, they tend to reward themselves with things like an Coach Bag....math please?

5. Women Are Physically Weak: Women actually are not fragile, they are just built differently. I would say that they are sturdy, for no other reason than that the birth giving process seems hardly the pain free delicate task in the world. It's not their fault, it's nature. Men recognize that women are typically more fragile and act accordingly. Because we are gentlemen and all guys love be told how strong we are. And women do like stroking our egos so that can make men do whatever they want.

6. Women Are Bad at Numbers: Definitely not true, women are great at math, and they've solved an equation that says that if they play their cards right, they'll be married to a dude who can bank roll their lack of math. And in future they can use this lack of math to justify their spending. 'Oh, it was for five Hundred dollars. haha, I thought it was for 5.00 bucks...Silly me'...More like Silly US!

7. Women Are Maternal: Women are not inbuilt with a maternal gene. I can categorically confirm that some women don't care for children at all, in some cases even their own. Some women do, something to do with carrying 10 extra pounds over the course of 9 months does a lot to your mental state. That said, I have seen heavily pregnant women drinking coffee, eating cheese, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes (this says nothing good about the people I have known). My advice to men is simple, If you find a great maternal girl, marry her, have some kids and if you are still unsatisfied...well there are marriages numbers 2, 3, an 4. But make sure you marry maternal babe first.

8. Women Love Gay Men: I have known alot of women who think of a gay best friend as the ultimate prize to be had. They like the idea of a male to go shopping with, and who shares interests with them. I think women who find gay men to be perfect, should really re-think it, if they EVER compare a straight man to a gay man. I have also known girls who are freaked out by Gay men. No idea why, I assume it has something to do with their assuming that the guy is 'undercover' gay and are waiting to drunken shag them. Girls are Weird. Men sadly, just don't understand their gay brethren; 'Why would you go for a guy, when you can hookup with any hot girl you want?' Seriously, a motion in the UN ought to be passed thanking them for improving every other mans odds.

9. Women Take Forever to Get Ready: Men get ready very quickly, we pick what we want to wear and get ready to head out the door. Women seem to put on a fashion show every time they are about to go out. Which has led me to the conclusion that no man should ever be on time to pick his lady friend up.

10. Women Are Manipulative: Women can be manipulative and the reason why they are perceived as such is because of their subtle communication skills coupled with their passive aggressiveness. A girl won't outright tell her guy that she hates his clothes, but slowly and surely items will start disappearing and after a period of time a guys entire wardrobe looks like the Marks & Spencer/Banana Republic Catalogue. If men don't like something, we just say it....usually to our detriment for being insensitive.

The Big Idea:

Women have to live with man misconceptions about who they are and how they act. However women tend to find ways to make it work for them, usually through whining about their lifes difficulties, a Man's pride requires him to bear burdens silently. Bravo to Woman Kind for Making Myths Work For Them!