The BRA Ministry: Officially Dealing with Silly Crap

Why I Wrote This:

I think most governments tend to spend their time on spurious useless things and generally enjoy wasting the tax payers money (my money!). However, I think the government ought to celebrate it's uselessness and inaugurate a Ministry of Silly; of course it cannot be called that, it'll probably be called something truly grand like 'The Ministry for the Betterment of Resource Allocations (BRA)'

The Ministry will focus on the very important prevailing issues of the day that are distracting the hearts and mind of our Parliamentarians.

1. Patriotic Fire! Burning all American, Israeli Flags and have a national effigy burning day. That way we can get it out of our system on that one day and proceed to spend the rest of the year begging them for Money. The Ministry will also levy liberal taxes on the sale of such items that may be used to produce such flammable goods like textiles, flag makers, handicrafts. The revenues will be used to fund terrorists, I mean Freedom Fighters....Location of Said Freedom Fighters is Yet to be Decided.

2. Travel Arrangement made Awesome: International Relations Junkets, because nothing raises awareness and foreign investment than trips to Monaco, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Cancun and St. Barts. Did We mention that we are so awesome, that we can't hear the people of Pakistan crying of Poverty? We are that Awesome!...Maybe we should buy a few Starship Enterprises....

3. Prostitution Drives: To drive out all the prostitutes from the streets of our morally sound nation, luckily location of these prostitutes should be easy as they are all embedded in our Parliamentarian's speed dials and Rollodexes. Look under, 'Dolly'. 

4. Pakistan is the Greatest Nation of All Time: Promoting that concept will create an environment that will make everything the government achieves to be far more fruitful. In fact, Bill Clinton and John Edwards are being recruited to head up that effort. Bill Clinton is being paid in the Prostitutes and John Edwards is being paid in Hair cuts....and diplomatic immunity in case he knocks some poor girl up and has to flee.

5. We don't Pollute Really: We'll hire second grade school kids in Japan to develop a report complete with interactive power point telling the World how Pakistan actually does not pollute at all....seriously. They even promised to paste Green Peace's Logo onto it. Steve Job's will present the report at the next Apple convention. We even have a Pakistani Logo ready that'll fit nicely on a Mac....

6. Superiority of Masculine Pakistani Men: NONE of us are gay, not one bit...seriously. We interpret Islam to say you can't marry a man, but it's totally cool to get all butt wild on each other....Just to prove it, we'll legalize gay marriage. However, we will not be responsible for any honor killings that may or may not happen (depending on how much evidence the damn Western Satanistic media has).

7. Superiority of Pakistani Women: All of them are morally sound virgins...even some of the ones that are married. That's how freaking pure they are. Keep your Whores Eastern Europe!

8. Put a Heavy Tax on all Sugary products: Sugar makes kids fat, hyper and more likely to be disruptive in class and stay up late at night, which destroys the relationships between men and women.

9. Earth Hour Every Day: Just to Prove Pakistan is doing it's bit to save the planet, we're so damn awesome that we'll have 3 hours of load shedding...I mean energy conservation methods every day. Suck on that you Damn polluting Earth Haters.

10. Fiscal Space Finders: Special Tasks Forces into Alleviating the Pressure of Government Spending...by cutting non essential programs like Infrastructure development, International debt repayments and government salaries. We may also lease the parliament building to Black Water and hold all of the parliaments votes via video conference or at the local sports club....pity no women allowed.  

11. Food & Health Functions: Visits to all restaurants to be used for reviewing their health and safety standards, primarily 5 star establishments will be targeted....Food and Beverages will be free. However we humbly request BYOB, Bring your own Black Water; Booze and Bimbos are Free of course.

12. Sports Corruption Management: All sporting Athletes are to be audited for corruption, if found corrupt, they must pay taxes as well as undergo a a tax penalty. No retribution for actually match fixing as that would our national sentiment, in fact all the proceeds will be wired to Swiss bank accounts for discretionary spending on the Ministry's activities.

13. Polling Data Management: Crucial Survey's into whether or not the government of Pakistan ought to pay it's bills to the imperial dictators. After all, it's not our fault that the last 60 years of governments made the country into a mess. We ask the people, we pretend we know what they are saying, and do whatever we like. What up Democracy!

14. Foreign Policy Input: Take care of particularly unsavory diplomatic meetings with opponents like India, the Taliban and the USA with saying 'I can't hear over the sound of how awesome I am'. Much Success. We will send them Gold Plated Cats just to prove how cool we are.

15. Government of the People....Seriously: Send the common man to talk shows and do nothing but curse at the media. Reward them with key position in the foreign diplomatic corps....Go Luxembourg & Haiti.

16. Social Welfare Initiatives: Pass laws on spitting pan but tax rebates on those who can spit further than ten meters. Then make them practice with gasoline....Army militia can be supplemented.

17. Author Laws Banning Tight Fitting Jeans...yet leave a loophole for skirts (For both men and women). The Ministry will Hire English Majors from super liberal American Universities to do so.

18. Strictest Allocation of Resources: Strict checks & balances on Perks and Protocols will be established, no more than 50% of Pakistan''s armed forces (or Budget) can be used for parliament and govt. protection. The other 50% are to invade the Middle East....what? everybody is doing it...we have NUKES biatch!...did we mention how awesome we are that we can't hear you?

19. Women are Banned from Smoking....Period. From hence forth, their only methods of smoking will be by inhaling smoke via kissing men who are more than happy to do so out of the generosity of their hearts.... Everyone wins. We expect as a side effect youth marriages to increase exponentially and the birth defect rate to drop significantly. A married society is a happy society.

20. Bra On? The Bra Ministry will make on the spot checks to ensure all women (between the ages of 16-35) are wearing govt. approved Bra's. It must provide adequate support and enhance cleavage.

The Big Idea:

By having this Serious yet utterly Facetious Ministry perhaps the other branches of government can actually do their jobs rather than involve themselves with non-issues and idiotic legislation.  Then again, they are so awesome they can't hear the People...My Bad.

The Mind of a Cow

Why I Wrote This:

During my senior year of college, whilst taking a quiz in a newspaper, my room mate answered a question on which animal he'd like to be the most, he answered, 'a cow, because they seem so relaxed'. At the time, I could help barreling with laughter, but having put more thought into it, I can't help but think... that bugger was right. Cows do have it good. Now many may question my sanity as they chomp into their steak sandwiches but bear with me.

Try to see things from a cows perspective.....here is what I came up with. 

Cows Have 'Hefty' Goals: Eating is fun, Eating is a sport, Must get fatter. God will reward me for being really fat...maybe he'll set me up with even more stomachs (the 4 I have are inadequate). In fact, there is no such thing as a fat cow, I'm just a big hunk of cow loving. My goal in life isn't just to be fat, it's to be the provider of the best milk and tastiest steak ever.... or to move to India and be worshiped....then again the food sucks there. 

Communication Stamina: We've been playing Chinese whisper for generations....in fact we aren't sure when it's going to end, but I'm still hopeful because I really want some of those sugar cubes those horses seem to be getting...the word is Moo....maybe they are trying to say moove?

Kinky Animal Syndrome: The fatter I get, the more likely that I'll be used to continue the genetic line...even if that mean's being knocked up by that manly mechanical bull....he goes on forever. Being limited to those organic rodeo bulls it a drag, they just keep talking about how they bucked some human off. Yeah, like that human isn't going to get his revenge by cooking him over a spit and using his head as an ashtray whilst his horns are mounted on the wall....freaking idiot. 

Body Art: Tattoos rock! We all get tramp stamps. Though it hurts getting singed with them in the first place, but whatever, it looks so freaking cute and it's so easy to forget the pain when your get high! Damn, I look hot. All the cows moo at me!!!....damn lesbo's

Education: Don't expend too much time thinking, it'll lessen the quality of your brain gravy and no one wants that. Once you learn how to eat....well, thats all the education that you'll ever need. 

Fitness Fortune: Exercise is bad, being fat is awesomely attractive, all of the Bulls say so, then again they keep getting on and trying to make us buck them off, but the thing is that we're too lazy. No we don't care that they slept with our sister, that bitch is skinny. 

Food for Thought: No such thing as over eating. In fact every meal is a competition to see who can eat the most, the winner receives a nice pat on the hind quarters (which is handy as it gets rid of the flies that the tail missed). Besides, our diet of grass, hay and genetically modified weird stuff is pretty much what human fashion models eat. 

Memory Bonus: Short term memory is an excellent asset, you can keep forgetting other cows and not miss them when they are gone. 

Path to the After life: The slaughter house is actually cow heaven, who ever goes in there takes the meat packing truck to heaven. wow...talk about first class service...you don't even have to walk to heaven.  

Sun Bathing: One of the best things about being a cow, is that you get to spend lots of time in the sun and work on your tan....and you don't have to worry about skin cancer! Take that silly humans!

Lazy is our Life: Being lazy is a good quality, infact cows are so lazy, we don't even need a television to zone out. Walking is overrated, running is just sinful. A running cow is one that's been eating too much 'weed'. To fair, getting high is fun, the wave of munchies are AWESOME.

Musically Inclined: Studies have shown that Classical music makes us cows produce more milk, which is why we take great pains to moo at each other in melody, but unfortunately we are no Bach or Beethoven. However, we kick ass at cowbell. 

Efficient Sleepers: We sleep standing up, because it's too much effort lying down, on average a cow will lay down and stand up 14 times aday, but it's usually because the eat all the food around us or there is a particulary gorgeous grade A hunk of grass laying around just waiting to be ravished....sure beats watching that machine procreate with her.  

Excellent Health: No diseases ever recorded....except for this pesky 'Mad Cow' thing...you want to see a mad cow, go to Spain, those Matador Bulls are INSANE!...yet so hot. 

Perpetual Parental Approval: We can hookup with anyone we want without having our parents judge us....speaking of which, where the hell is Mom....Dad....Aunt Bertha?

Shit is Fun, and We Do Fun Shit: We have fulfilling lives, every day we compete to see who can produce the most manure...then we tell the youngest Calf that we hid easter bunny eggs in them....damn we're mean...

Poor humans and all of their 'constipations', I bet they get jealous of all of our glorious piles of shit. Oddly enough they even collect them, maybe they burn it because they feel so inadequate...SUCKS TO BE YOU! Hoove fives everyone. 

We also like crapping, sitting on it, and trying to make the horses other lick it! Or sometimes we'll taking our smeared excretion covered booties and sit on the chickens while they are laying their eggs....haha take that you shitty chickens. 

The Big Idea:

We may all be God's creatures, but cows don't get as big raw deal as we think. Obviously we ought to treat them with respect, but considering how poorly we treat other people, is it really all that surprising the way we treat animals? Cows Rock...I love Steak. 

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. Wood...in fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments.