Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How to Improve Pakistan's Crappy Image

Why I Wrote This:

We seriously need to improve our PR. Our Government is horrible at it. We do dumb things and then say even dumber things whilst defending it. Seriously we need to start spinning things in a good way. So I've come up with several measures which ought to improve Pakistan's global standing, and frankly considering how much we like getting foreign aid, it's the only audience we truly care about.

1. Market Your Country Properly: No, I'm not suggesting we hawk Pakistan like it's a product, even though the idea has some merit. Hire Hot Foreign Tour Guides to travel the country and take tourists groups to Parliament. The tourists will be spell bound by our Country's scenery...and the tour guides if our selection process from the Brazilian Brothels is correct....and before you know it, they'll have no idea what the problem with Pakistan was?

Now these Imported tour guides will have many functions, like learning about Pakistan's history (our version, not India's) and on the off season (like Pakistan actually gets tourists in the first place), they can be assigned to teach in rural Pakistani schools. I can almost guarantee that male Pakistani boy's academic performance will improve exponentially, we might even have our own Albert Einstein...without the Jewishness....and bad hair.

2. Hosting Wicked Fun International Conferences: Pakistan ought to host SAARC, the UN, NATO etc (it's good manners to return the favor). Instead of the usual political correct procedural crap We can make it interesting and have all International delegations have their meetings in classy whore houses (by classy, we mean the curtains ought to be drawn).

Since most international meetings are in fact boring, tedious and full of dumb self important speeches (except to the minority of super dorks), we feel that we have much to contribute in the sphere of entertaining and learning....with emphasis on the entertaing. We ought to entertain our guest will cool social mixers, complete with exotic food, shows, Belly Dancers, Lollywood whores....I mean stars. Eventually Pakistan will be like the Play Boy mansion for foreign diplomats....Hell, we'll build them a Play boy mansion....I hear the President's house isn't really being used...Soon enough, we'll have corporate clients.

3. Women Rule Ordinances: Pass a wide ranging resolutions saying how awesome women are and how they OUGHT to have lots of rights.....it won't do anything, it's just good PR. In order to make sure the legislation passes, tie it up with some Pakistani based beauty pageants...It'll be super liberal yo!

India has won tonnes of these international 'honors', why can't we have the world no.1 most desirable wannabe slut? ...we'll even 'leak' a sex video...promise.

4. Global Charity Work: Set some charities up for things like Haiti, Obama's receding hairline maybe even a fund for Bernie Madoff's Ponzie scheme victims, God knows that their mansions could use a fresh coat of paint.

 If we are broke we can just find innovative ways to be charitable, send some unemployed guys to be the painters and pool boys Madoff's 'Investors' (who are idiots btw), and to Haiti we can send some Wheat...we have a shit load just stocked up. I do think there is a great deal of social utility to be gained via bikini car washes to pay down America's Deficit....hell, Bikini Car washes are profitable!...not that we'll be keeping a slice of the profits or anything....

5. Grand Safari Drive: Import exotic elephants from Africa, breed them (make them temperamental and huge with steroids), paint them green and invite hunting expeditions. If we can catch some Taliban, we can do the same to them....

'Imagine the experience, $1 Million per elephant and $2 Million for a Taliban...that's an experience for a life time foreigner Dude/Mate/Amigo!'.... We'll be getting paid to have people we'd kill for free hunted down. How awesome and innovative is that?

6. Tax Prostitution:  These Women work as hard as men do, even though men have to get hard in order for them to do their work, but I digress. We ought to tax their hard work, after all, they work hard for their money, the government is surely entitled to spend it on their behalf.... however there is the down/upside that once a prostitutes registers herself, she'll be targeted by fundamentalist nut jobs who are trying to protect our morality....hey assholes, why don't you stop going to them in the first place, it's not our fault you are that ugly and are so desperate that you want to hook up with the girl that everyone else has....

7. Proper Incentives for Foreign Direct Investment: Provide Tax Exemptions to foreign exploitative multinationals, allow them to buy people into a slavery like arrangement, I'm sure Pakistan's rural Feudal lords would be willing sellers. Foreign companies would start pressuring their countries to be really nice to us. After all, why suck up to each country individually, while you can suck up to an international conglomerate and get everyone on board that way. Damn, our government lacks some good common sense.

8. Recreational Atmosphere: One of the great things about Saudi Arabia, is that they let their expatriate workers drink and let their women drive as long as they are in their compound. I think we should steal that idea and add a Pakistani twist. Open some bad ass bars...but open them on properties owned by other countries...neutral ground if you will. It can be called, 'cultural centers' and it'll be a nice little side earner.

 All the Ambassadors and embassy folk can rave about how awesome we are and that the news reports of 'Dangerous Pakistan' are all just a batch of lies...we ofcourse expect them to be perpetually drunk henceforth. In fact Bilawal Bhutto, Pakistan's heir apparent might make a comeback...then again, he can't possible do any more damage in the UK than he could here....good thing he doesn't inherit the country....oh shit... DAMMIT...

9. Professional Media Spinning: Hire professional dirt spewing strategists (probably republican, which is good since most are unemployed) and have them go on international networks lauding Pakistan. They can also be part of our charm offensive by producing cool provactive ads for eg. Saying how going to India sucks because it's dirty, but Pakistan is awesome because it's so clean and fun filled.

They can also develop attack ads, so whenever a country bad mouths us or doesn't give us money we were promised (we need our pocket money, we're fighting a war on terror here), we can put out ads publicizing the failings of that government and how they are letting millions of innocent people die.

We also feel their is great utility in televising the hard work the parliament does, and with carefully choreographed fight scenes, we can show out allies how serious we are about fighting terror and enacting sound fiscal non-corrupt policies. Gotta love freedom of speech.

10. Half Promises With Billions in Return: Say we might consider recognizing Israel as a country if they are willing to give us aid to the tune of $1 billion or so per year, we can spin it as saying we are taking their money and weakening the Zionists...it'll work seriously, though the Israelis might get pissed when start using the money to fund those Palestinian rocket launching stone throwing chaps. But this 'charitable giving' will subvertly make us look super awesome in the Arab/Muslim Ummah world. All we need to do is leak it via the our super secretive 'intelligence agencies'

That said, we do have a game plan when Israel realized that they are being duped. It's so simple we keep forgetting. Pretend Iran and Saudi Arabia did it....if that doesn't work, we can hand over a few Taliban....We Got Millions!....and to think that we considered them as a foreign liability.

The Big Idea:

We could be honest, less corrupt and actually find real solutions to solve our local and national issues, but that would difficult, and why bother when you can do ridiculously superficial things and hire professional spinners to make us seem, well....Rad.

I love being Rad, wouldn't you?


Anonymous said...

I think you are a real innovator, Murtaza. Such a wealth of brilliant ideas. I'm almost inclined to think you are several people so prolific and varied are the ideas that pour out of your posts (although, distressingly, prostitutes seem to be a recurring theme!). There's a word, somebody told me to describe you ... who was it now ... Oh, of course! It was you! And the word, how could I forget, was awesome! ;-) x

Alpha Za said...

Alec: thank you for the comment, perhaps I'm just the Poster child for Multiple Personality Disorder syndrome.

I feel very sorry for prostitutes, they get a raw deal and they get the most criticism from utter hypocrites...so yeah, Politicians and moralists galore.

I am awesome, it was a result of a lot of deep contemplation whilst I was napping at my desk.

Sonia said...


Re 1:

Do not forget to recognize humble marketing efforts of lollywood babes made in India. When babes are already helping, we don’t care about popularity of Pakistani males singers/bands in India, do we?

Re 2:

Don’t forget to hire Punjabi translators (I don’t know if this kind of HOT entertainment material exists in Sindhi) for international clients. English subtitle can be considered as bonus.

Re 3:

Keep this write-up away from Pakistani politicians; they may steal your idea and use these chics for publicity of the party. What your readers will see then? Chics holding Zardari or Sharif brothers’ photos?

Alpha Za said...

@ Sonia: Thank you for the comment.

I'm sure our lollywood babes do a great job in India, pity our cricket players can't do the same. however stealing their treasured tennis star is definitely a whatup moment for Pakistan.

We don't need translators, their eyes will tell the entire story and be sufficient communication.

I think such a fairly low proportionate of Pakistani politicians are literate that the odds are just too great.

I don't think chics have been genetically modified enought to be able to sustain Zardari's oily hair and the Sharif Brothers are very discreet, in fact they have a personal harem they call 'funland'.