Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fundamentalist Nut Job Society: Women

I had a dream, nay a vision (dreams are for black people named Martin Luther King) of the perfect Islamic fundamentalist society, one where the Taliban could live in peace with the rest of the modern world. Where morality rules supreme and society would reflect the fundamentalist mindset that these brave warriors of Satan God are fighting for.

It would be glorious, all the malls would be converted into huge mosques, Mc'Donalds would serve Mc'Mullahs Wraps made with 100% halal products, and every hour would have a prayer break, where the traffic stops, people stop whatever they are doing, get out of their cars and pray....for the next prayer break to be just as awesome. When they get back in their cars, the Islamic version of gospel would be blazing..Ghazals and Qawali's replace the immoral techno beat. Chris Brown gets blown away (not literally) by the Qawali Kings.

Women would be perpetually covered, and barely ever allowed to leave the home (and never without male supervision protection, unless it was to go to hospital...all women hospitals, of course. Because women have their own state of the art prisons shopping facilities. In fact all facilities that women may at some point have to enter will be completely segregated....except prisons.

Here are some fictitious excerpt from an interview that may mythically take place between a liberal girl and a woman who is slightly more conservative in nature. I call them;

 Mullah Madame                    Liberazzi

Mullah Madame: Very simple put, there would be no reason for prisons. By Islamic Law, there is no need for female prisons as the men serve the sentences for their wives crime
Liberazzi: Isn't that unfair?
Mullah Madame: Bitch, look at your chest, now. Whose side are you on?

Liberazzi: How do Women Get Around?
Mullah Madame: All women would have male chauffeurs. If not, they can either share, or there are all women public transportation available. In fact, all the buses function as pick and drop services to the homes as well. It's very practical, particularly after a hard day of shopping.

Liberazzi: It appears that you have a Playboy publication....but it's sales pale in comparison to Playgirl....which only has male models....why? 
Mullah Madame: Yes, it is so that the male species know what we women expect from them. They are so eager to please us since Muslim men are the most perfect, caring considerate type of man in the world.
Liberazzi: ......Realistically, wouldn't only gay men be interesting in buying these publications?

Mullah Madame: Muslim men are not gay. This is not even possible. They don't even poke each other on bookface (facebook). In fact, they are so not gay, whenever they go on religious pilgrimages and are sleeping in proximity with each other, well technically spooning, they affirm their manly hood by yelling out 'no homo', in a particularly crowded tent, you can hear that over the sounds of 'Allah Akbar' (God is Great).

Everyone would be morally sound (Islamically), even if they are not, their twitter statuses would reflect their super morality. So everyone would live happy existences, pretending to be better human beings than they actually are, knowing that if they step out of line, society will kindly correct their behavior through a thorough regiment of physical beatings, indoctrination and mental 'guidance'.

Everyone would be Educated.... in the Quran All other knowledge is blatantly unnecessary. People would live happier lives without learning or even knowing off any contrary interpretations of the text.

No one would go hungry, as the government would always provide food to the poor, but don't expect any Mc Donalds or Pepsi......soft drinks consumption might become punishable by death. Demand for Falafel would be legendary.

The one downside is that the the US would eventually bomb it.

A Few Other Idiosyncrasies

Women shaking hands with men would be an offense punishable by lashing. No explanation required. Tickets will be sold for the publicly broad casted event. 

Children would be given military training to protect the Muslim ummah. A surprising number would be sent to boarding schools....yeah, lets call them that. ...where they will learn how to tend to and kill sheep. Besides, armies are EXPENSIVE!!!

Freedom is overrated, Islam has all the freedom you could possibly want. 'A woman who is able to a live a life free from rape is freer than any woman in the west, where women are treated like pieces of meat.'....About that.

Muslim version of South Park. It would be fucking magical. Cartman can be the Mullah.

Liberazzi: Women in the media, would be completely covered, wouldn't this ruin their brand equity? I mean, who the hell is going to pay attention to the news if their isn't a gorgeous scantily clad woman presenting it?

Mullah Madame: The news channels are only be put on air for the sake of media, there is no real need for the news, the Quaran has all of the news we need. Besides, you can't change the weather or the news, so what's the point in tuning in? Ones' time could better be spent praying or taking care of their duties. Plant some crops or whatever. 

The Real Question?

Sometimes we have to think about the end game to realize how ridiculous the goals are in the first place. Realistically, the Taliban/Al Qaeda/ or any other religious violent group is doomed to fail in their goals, but if one were to imagine a society that they seem to promulgate, then that's actually far scarier and unrealistic than anything else. 


Amna K said...

This is like effervescence! I can't control my laughter! :-D LOVE IT!

True, what these religious fanatics want is very scary.

Sonia said...

A good write up to enjoy in coffee break.

“malls would be converted into huge”
Where the hell a normal Pakistani woman is going to spend more than half of her productive time and energy in bargains? Please don’t be so cruel.

“people stop whatever they are doing, get out of their cars and pray”
What is going to happen with people driving chief minister’s escort cars?
Don’t you think it’s a security risk?

“Chris Brown gets blown away (not literally) by the Qawali Kings”
For kids, may I suggest Powerpuff Mullahs?

By the way, what “alphaza” means?

Sonia said...

Ahh I have another idea now. How does "Mullah Turtles" sound?

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Thanks, I'm glad it made you laugh out loud! The demands just seem bizarre to the point of being idiotic, when you put them in a real world context.

@ Sonia: Good to know that I am the prime time for all coffee break time slots.

Women will be able to go to malls, but they will serve largely as players of prayer and contemplation. besides, with all the praying you won't feel like picking a fight and bargaining. It's good for you. Check out Ebay. I own Shares.

As for the security risk. It is all in God's hands. What is meant to be, will be. Besides, Chief Ministers are highly replaceable. We're still not sure what they actually do other than get pimpin escorts.

I like 'Teenage Mutant Mullah Turtles"

Powder Puff Mullahs sounds a bit to effeminate, I recommend Powder puff Praya's! (like player but cooler).

Alpha Za is a nick name that was bestowed upon me by my College room mate, who implored me not to join a fraternity arguing that I was a one man fraternity in myself. Alpha means one, and Za is what everyone in school called me (Murtaza was a tad bit difficult for people to pronounce). So it literally mans One Za. I'm unique like that.

Thanks for commenting as always!

Jason Shaw said...

Such power, you've had me amused and giggling out loud, thanks for the entertainment.

Alpha Za said...

@ Jason; Thanks for the comment, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's nice to have 'fan(s)' in other continents.

Anonymous said...

A lot of FUNNY things about many Muslims. As I am a Muslim, each reader should know that the funny actions done by Muslims are NOT related to Islam AT ALL. Islam is applied by only 10 - 20 % by the majority of muslims, So most of the actions of Muslims are NOT related to Islam.