Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

Limited Government = Limited Stupidity = Thumbs Up!

The Government Will Take Care of Everything.....Pinky Swear!

I don't understand the mindset behind Pro-Government interventionists. I really don't, and this is coming with a (rather charming) guy who is fairly okay with targeted socialism (by targeted, I mean give to the poor, I know, I'm a Softy Capitalist). I may be really thick (I contend that I'm not), but for arguments sake, let's say that the government intervening and actively managing society's moral conundrums is a good thing, because they're elected by the people and by having a legal responsibility to the people......But where in their job description have they suddenly inherited the titles of "Lord Protector of Morality" and "Awesome at Everything". Did we really think that we had a bunch of Bill Gates on our hands?

Those wonderful folks, both elected and serving in the Government cesspool of a bureacracy have something resembling a responsibility to the people to serve them to the best of their ability. In a purely Pakistani contest, we're better off letting them run a fruit stand, as opposed to a 170 million person country. Why? Because they don't have the damndest idea of what they are doing? Hell, I wouldn't either? After all, what do I know about running a Steel Mill?

It's disappointing really, I mean, I thought we were entering a wonderful age of specialization...or more plainly put, if Ali become awesome at one thing, Ali can be both really good at it and make better money. It's about being qualified for the jobs that you are supposed to do. 

How does prancing around in your gucci shoes in parliament and spewing the most fashionable version of a conspiracy theory qualify you to set policy, run a country and act as Nanny in Chief to a nappy overloaded nation. Hell, if you want your baby's nappies changed properly, then Do Them Your Damn Self....do you really want to deal with leaky human waste...or maybe you should just hire a professional, nappy changing maid. 

Let's say your house has a leak (not the Nappy kind), and you have both your pipes and your wiring are soaked (like so soaked, you'd get a positively Eisenstein-ian hair do if you mucked around). You're initial reaction shouldn't be to ask the most persuasive plumber to fix the electrical wiring, Why? because he's at the house and you never know, he might be a better electrician than what he's theoretically spent his entire life both training and practicing to do.

Why? Well, because he's here and since everyone in the neighborhood association decided that he's the best possible plumber for the job, he is obviously the best electrician available as well. Obviously, that same chap can manage the Pakistani Cricket Establishment.

There are days where I doubt my own Pakistani'ness. You see, I suffer from this horrible affliction that can be charitably categorized as minimal government interventionism, I really like the idea of them not getting up in my business....Why one may (quite rightfully) ask?

No where does it state that it's meant for the poor...we're all needy

Low taxes, I want low taxes so I can choose to spend more of my money in whatever way that I like. If I want to give money to a charitable organization for flood victims, that ought to be my prerogative, the government's desire to implement a flood tax or decides that it should take my tax money and subsidize an Airline (which quite frankly, services a minute slice of the populace) is folly.I don't appreciate them collecting my Zakat money either, particularly when they spend it on an executive class Hajj.

I do sympathize with the government's drawing room politics philosophy because I reluctantly recognize that most Pakistani's do live under the illusion that everything is the governments responsibility (hence fault) and that they should get involved in every aspect of a persons life that they don't agree with (varies from imbecile to imbecile).

That's the Minister's own Daughter, (and even if she wasn't it's not anyones damn business)

I keep hearing about how Pakistan would be better if we banded together as Muslims and implemented a strict shariah code across the country. I tend to wonder whose version of Shariah? Osama Bin Laden or Shahrukh Khan's? Why can't people come to terms with the fact that Muslims are a diverse bunch, full of intricacies and multiple schools of thought? And everyone is utterly convinced that they've cracked the code of what it takes to be a perfectly acceptable Muslim.

Honestly, why can't everyone just follow their own brand of Islam as opposed to feeling that it is their God given right to have the government impose their ideals on anything with a heart beat, for them. Holding the goverment responsible for making everyone to their religious line is kind of like being mad that not everyone loved 'The Hangover' (though for the record, The Hangover, is Awesome). You want to spread your faith? Be an example to others. Don't expect the government to do it for you. It's not, and shouldn't be their job. Did I mention how awesome 'The Hangover" is?  

The Hangover is Officially Awesome

I want my government to focus on the things that are the absolute essentials, like maintaining security (which they suck at), disaster management (which they also suck at), providing basic health and education services (again, which they suck at), and maybe throw in a few worthwhile tax incentive schemes for entrepreneurs and industries (people need jobs...preferably at Google...Facebook is apparently evil).

If the Gov doesn't like Facebook...make a Page about it.

I'm not advocating handouts, even though, lets face it everyone wants a handout from the government because the truth is that secretly none of us respect those irresponsible corrupt pieces of intestinal pipe that run the country. They steal our money and whine that corruption is their right and they most certainly aren't as corrupt as the last guy. No duh we can't trust them, and if they are getting their 'kickbacks', we want ours. It's human nature.

 Now, I'm all for democracy, but the idea is to elect leaders, not Overlords. But, hey, I'm willing to give it a shot. But it's be nice the government was kindly asked to express their angst in as minimal spheres of influence as possible! Maybe our government would be a tad bit more efficient if they stayed out of matters of religion, morality and bailouts.

Helping the little guy up, means someone has to stay behind.

 Why is the government the answer to everything? Their track records reeks of a regurgitation of last years breakfast....which wouldn't be so bad, except that Nihari mixed with Dairy is positively explosive. Sadly, it's just easier to place the responsibility of doing everything at their feet and blame them when things aren't hunky dory, until we can collectively own up, we'll be at that uncomfortable impasse where we blame the government rather than figuring out the solutions of our problems things ourselves.

Patriotic Only in Colors

On a purely practical level. This is what I'd do. Lump off all Public Sector Enterprises, sell off the management rights to the likes of the General Electric, Government of Singapore (It's run like a business) or any other riddiculously massive capitalist company. Reduce the number of ministries, outsource the likes of education, health, development ministries to private contractors who are all audited quarterly. Passing a 'I'm sorry for all the Fuck ups and I won't do it again" Bill would be dandy too.

Any Chance We Can Get All That Money Back?

Can't Beard The Thought

I woke up one morning slightly dazed and perhaps running a wee bit late to work. I wondered if I should skip shaving for the day and just head out to work. I laughed, rolled out of bed, grabbed my trusty razor and shaving cream and slit of the offending stubble with Sumarai like ease.

I have thought about growing a beard. I can't. I just can't bear the thought of bearding up. For starters, I doubt I can grow a particularly respectable beard; I'd look awful, uneven patches and all that. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a beard and thirdly I'm not shallow enough to need to prove to everyone how great a Muslim I am; I'm sure they're all well aware.

How does one identify a good Muslim? Well, one could try to get to know him, but that just sounds like too much effort. Let's just be consistently superficial and focus on what really matters to us. Looks.
.
Is it his zealous eyes (lowered of course), his terrific posture (kept fit through repeated prayer) and most importantly a long flowy beard, long enough to shame dumbledore on one hand and yet still reminiscent of Fidel Castro on the other.

Apparently, in order to be a good Muslim, you have to have a beard. Unfortunately, my french beards, pencil thin mustache strips and  pubescent chin scraggle don't qualify. You need to have a solid all encompassing beard that frames your face to such an extent that covers one skin blemishes as well as provides something soft for your pets to nap on....and your parrot to lay eggs in. 

Now, I'm the liberal sort of fellow and was always under the impression that in order to be a good Muslim...well...that you actually had to act like one....or preferably two, because two Muslims are better than one.

I find it offensive is when someone from Team Beard takes me to task for not having a nest sprouting from my face and feels that it is their moral imperative to convert me to their bearded ways with their eyes greedy for sawab much like a degenerate gambler on a hot streak.

One has to wonder, where did the sentiment is that anyone vying for the title of 'good Muslim' needs to have a beard, wear a skull cap and perhaps quote in the Quran in a language that he couldn't order a bun kebab in.

What does a beard say about a person? That he's too lazy to shave? Or think he looks dashing all furred up. I have seen beards that both suit people and some that don't. Some that are neat and others that look like they've made love to a hurricane. Regardless, if one thinks keeping a beard makes one a Muslim, then perhaps they believe that they can create a nation of Muslims by banning razor blades (I think the Afghani Taliban went down that route; sure worked out there). 

A few have pointed out to me how it's Sunnah, that the Prophet had a beard; granted, but isn't it possible that he just looked really freaking good with a beard? I'm sure glad for our sanity's sake that he didn't rock out a beard braid. Seriously, did they even have a Gillette Mach II back then?

I'd also like to point out that if we lived the same way the Prophet did, then by that same logic we'd all be brushing our teeth with a siwak (tooth stick) instead of toothbrushes. Anti Tooth Brush Fatwa anyone? Or better yet, we'd ban cars and ride Camel back everywhere.  

Whatever happened to tolerance? Why does my clean shaven (and rather dashing) face serve to offend the religious sensibility of others? Why does it provoke at best a superiority complex and at worst, yet another self righteous fundamentalist nut job. Is it because they aren't secure in their own faith and need others' approval for reassurance. If that's the case, I implore them to visit their local chai walla and empathize over the Pakistan cricket team. We all love Chai and Cricket, it's somewhere in our constitution. Yep...the Chai, Cricket and Islam loving Republic of Pakistan.

Why does it matter if I have a beard or not? I doubt God is that shallow when it comes to evaluating the worthiness of our souls. Doubt that God chose the Prophet because he could grow a particular spectacular beard. I may be unfortunately liberal but I imagine that it had something to do with what was in Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) heart. That said, maybe it just seems easier to look like a muslim, rather than be a muslim; which quite frankly, beard or not, we by and large certainly suck at.

Why Pakistan Why?

Pakistani's don't grow up being the next Bill gates, Roger Federer, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods or Husain Bolt, we grow up wanting to be Cricketers. And our chosen heroes are the Pakistani cricket team.

The living dream of every young buck lacing his gully with an array of pull, cut and various creative cross bat shots reminiscent of the likes of Saeed Anwar, Inzamam Ul Haq to name a few or perhaps bowl as fast as Shoaib Akhtar, ruthlessly as Waqar Younis and majestically as Wasim Akram. and that perhaps one day, if we were good enough, we'd play for Pakistan. Few of us do, we honor those that do above all others. 

These cricketers were not merely our sportsmen, they were our heroes. We feted them, we loved them, we cherished them. We burdened them with providing us with an avenue to escape the mundaneness of our every day lives and garnering pride in Pakistan. 

Our country has failed itself, and to be fair it's not all our own fault (Floods, Hurricanes, Earth Quakes), but more than enough of it is (Corruption, Mismanagement & pure incompetence). Pakistan was never perfect, but our cricket team was always there for us. Win, Lose or Draw, they were our own. Until Now. 

A British tabloid, The News of the World, gleefully revealed the sad truth that has haunted our nation for generations, that our International Sporting Ambassadors accepted bribes in exchange for altering/shaping their performance, whether it was bowling a sequence of No-Balls or Playing out a Maiden over, it's blindingly apparent that they were all guilty. 

And no, we can't blame this on a Zionist conspiracy, they don't even play cricket. 

To those responsible; Our Captain (leading from the front as always), Our Wicket Keeper (poor form or just an obsessive love of money I have to wonder), Our Premier Fast Bowlers (as quick to make a buck as to bowl), I abhor you and if you were in front of me now, I'd spit of your faces and let you rot in jail; and not the Zardari kind.....

 My heard shudders at the thought that if this just the start? I forlornly hope it's not, but I'm fairly certain that there is yet more feces yet to be flung onto our Nation's already desecrated flag. The white was already fading under the weight of intolerance but the rest grows murkier. 

I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same, or that I'll ever be able to watch my team again without feeling utter disgust for the players that pretend to wear that green with anything resembling pride.

Congratulations Team, you have sullied my faith in ALL things Pakistan. What did we do to deserve this? Could we have loved you anymore? Cheered you any louder? Supported you regardless of your pathetic effort on the pitches of our former colonial rulers? Obviously this is our fault. 

Thank you for blighting every child's dream of playing for Pakistan. Apparently it's not worth anything more than a bundle of pounds packed away in a swiss bank. 

We loved you too much and now watch us hate you....with religious zeal. 

Here are some links for anyone who wants to read more on this. The bluster and inexcusability of it all sickens me. 

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/924391/The-three-balls-that-will-shake-world-of-cricket.html

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/924628/Majeed-revealed-he-was-plotting-for-Pakistan-to-lose-TWO-of-the-One-Day-Internationals.html

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/924793/We-made-830k-when-Pakistan-collapsed-in-the-Aussie-match.html

Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

Football & Religion: Bad Combo

Of all the crazy shit......

Malaysian Clerics Urge Muslims To Shun Manchester United Shirts: 


Islamic clerics in Malaysia have warned their followers not to wear Manchester United shirts, as the club's nickname and iconography depicts the Devil.

United's traditional nickname of the Red Devils and the use of the symbol of a devil on the club badge has prompted clerics in the Asian country to issue the warning.

"This is very dangerous. As a Muslim, we should not worship the symbols of other religions or the devils," said Nooh Gadot, a cleric from Johor state, according to The Daily Mail.

"Even if it is a gift, we should decline it. It is even more sinful when people realise this is wrong and still buy these jerseys to wear."

Believers in Malaysia are also understood to have been urged to shun the national shirts of Brazil, Serbia, Portugal and Norway, as well as Barcelona's jersey, because their use of the cross is also considered un-Islamic

.....???....


Now, if this is the case and some insipid Malaysian Cleric feels that he has to go on the record and claim that my club, Manchester United's long held Red Devil symbol actually causes displeasure to God, then as far as I'm concerned the facts speak for themselves. 

The message is resoundingly clear; The Clerics are all Arsenal Fans.

Here are some thoughts I've compiled:


Sacred Publicity: Firstly these Clerics are suffering from some attention seeking disorder that requires immediate medical treatment: Personally I vote electric shock treatment. Assuming that these poor chaps aren't completely insane in their relevance, I think it'd be safe to assume that they are looking for an entry point into the big time retarded fatwa business that the nut job Arab clerics appeared to have a copyright license on. 

Watch out Arabic Cleric Supremos, you got competition. Next up. I'm waiting for a ban on Fried Chicken , because it's obviously a tool of repression deployed by the evil west to make Muslim Men unfit for battle against the Dark Lords of the Sith. Wait for it.....Farmville is next in line. 

I wonder what this does to their donation inflow: particularly since the majority of Malays tend to hold the Red Devils close to their hearts....and their arms

Zionist Conspiracy: There is obviously some Zionist conspiracy in the Manchester United Symbol......I mean, duh, there has to be. The Malays just aren't clever enough to figure it out. The group that really ought to ban Football in general are the Christians, after all, it kills their Sunday Church Attendance.

Arsenal Investment: The clerics have secretly bought shares in Arsenal Football club and are hoping for a big pay day when the entire billion plus Muslim world professes their love for the Gunners. I'd like to point out that the greatest 'Gunnar' of them all never even played for Arsenal; His name is Ole 'Gunnar' Solskjaer. 

Squad Representation: None of the players from Norway, Serbia, Brazil and Portugal play for Arsenal ....and conveniently Arsenal is trying rather hard to keep their captain from ditching to Barcelona...coincidence, I think not! ...maybe Cesc is secretly Muslim. Manchester United on the other hand have Vidic (Serbia), Nani (Portugal) and a plethora of Brazilians (Anderson, Possebon, Fabio & Rafael)


Arsenal = Muslim Compliant: Manchester United have no Muslim players. Arsenal have Abou Diaby, Bacary Sagna, Robin Van Persie (apparently he doesn't talk about it).

Football Grounds: They don't realize that although some dramatic columnists refer to football fields at as Sporting Cathedrals, that they are in fact not places of religious worship. 


Emblem Kissing: United players do it alot because we do this quaint thing called winning games....we tend to do it alot. Arsenals players on the other hand....play with theirs until they are deemed worthy to leave the club in search of actual sporting success: Trophies

Numbers: A great deal of jealously has emerged as the 76,000 plus attendance Manchester United's historic home stadium Old Trafford  garners far out strips the minute number of worshippers that attend their local service in Malaysia. They are possibly of the view point that the only reason that so many people congregate in such vast numbers (not to mention the TV audience) is because of Satan. duh. 


The clerics actually believe that we care what their opinion with regards to our footballing interests is. I'd like to beat the kid who brought it up in the first place. Someone who obviously has little self worth and needs a cleric to tell him how to live his life. That ladies and gentleman is where Suicide Bombers come from. 

They don't trust the smiley face on the red devil. The vision of trophy less Arsenal fans crying year after year after there team loses again and again....and again, probably sits better with them.  



I have a developed substitute symbol which I think all Clerics, Islamic, Moronic, Platonic and otherwise can appreciate and get behind....well...not literally...Unless they are into that sort of thing.

And now, that that's sorted. Get onto some real business. Like educating Muslims about their religion and spreading a message of peace, love and tolerance, which may of course preclude them from supporting Arsenal.



PS: YO MALAYSIAN IDIOTS! FOOTBALL FANS DON'T ACTUALLY WORSHIP THEIR TEAM'S SYMBOLS.