Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends,

How are you? I hope you are doing well....well enough to give our thieving tyrants a few billion more dollars so they can pump up their swiss bank accounts and ride around in their convoy gold plated suicide bomber proof 'smart' cars. The free Boeing you threw in for free were nice too.

This is Pakistan here, not the government your accustomed to paying off dealing with, but the peeps. and yes, take that as evidence that we watch the WWE and think Christian; Captain Charisma himself, is awesome. See, we love your liberal TV!

Shouldn't that make us more human, rather than a perpetual inconvenience that requires a cheque book? We have feelings too you know, we ought to talk about them sometime when your done invading other countries or causing economic collapses.

We don't talk often, but when we do it's usually about money and how you should be giving us some for doing things like cleaning our rooms off the poisonous bugs we have scurrying around (Your fault btw). Fine we will, but it'll cost you a few billion and damn straight we feel perfectly entitled in demanding it.

You do seem to talk alot about us though, 'The Pakistani People' and how you want to 'help us', horse shit here is some news for you douchebags, Pakistani people think you are full of shit. You don't want to help us, you want to control us, teach us how we should think, what we should believe and what we should do. Fuck that. We'll pretend to be nice when taking your piles of cash, but let's be honest here, this is a business transactions. We do what you want for pay, but we'll skull fuck you verbally all freaking day. We'll burn all y'all flags and wait for your dethronement, for that we'll pray.  

You ask us why are we so belligerent, why do we blindly hate y'all so much. And as sweet as that sentiment may sound, it is my sad duty to inform you that we don't blindly abhor you; we hate you the same way that a drug addict prostitute hates her 'clients'. You only give us money to fuel our angst, and baby, we'll cluster fucking burn that wad of bills until there is nothing left and you have to come back to give us more. We know what you're trying to do..... You pay us off like we're trash, like beggars on the street, like parents who pay off their kids so they can justify not spending time with them. So fucking be it you impotent assholes.

Now that we have nukes (which you paid for, thanks btw), come and try to beat us with your big bad stick. Make our day.  Does Nuclear Holocaust and potential genetic mutation sounds particularly awesome?

We grew up disenfranchised, with one dictator/thief after another, all promising that our lives were going to be better, and all the while you looked on in appreciation that your newly hired nanny was actually going to take care of us. Bull Fucking Shit. These so called 'guardians' raped and pillaged everywhere they went, and you know fucking what, history repeats itself. Telling us that they're democratic doesn't make their crimes any less painful. Yes we elect them, you prop them up, we elect them. That's the story 'morning glory,' call it part of the Stockholme syndrome that you infected us with. Thanks a load, the family thanks you.

And what the hell is it with Afghanistan? Why is their every fuck up our god damn fault. We didn't make those pot growing Islamic Hercules loving hippies the way they are, you did. Just like you made us just the way we are with your Jihad against the Communists...

We get it, it's cheaper for you to train and send us to shed our blood than having to deal with all the bad press of American soldiers coming home in body bags. Btw what the fuck is this whole bringing the body back home for burial. Seriously, WHAT? You bury a man on the ground he dies on. Period. Carting a dead body complete with hash filled coffins just seems far more disrespectful. What the fuck are you? Made of Money? Oh yeah...wait.  

You want to make things better? Well here's a start, try focusing on the actual people who live here, the ones that don't have enough to eat while you make your regular deposits in our leaders Swiss bank accounts. How about a little electricity for those poor bastards living like slum dogs. The movie was cute, but it's fucking reality. How about educating a few folk? Only half the population can write their bloody names.....and that's the litmus test to see if they are literate. And most of all, how about investing in our Future rather than offering us military hardware and bucket loads of your dirty money.

Thank you for your mother fucking money, here is to us making you choke on it!

Sincerely yours,

The Pakistani People




Anonymous said...

Please, please make it that you have an enormous readership in the U.S. of A. Please, please let it be so. So much rage, Murtaza, can't be good for your health but if it can get through to Washington then I suppose the risk is worth it. The tragedy is that it won't get through. I'm deeply pessimistic about achieving change almost anywhere you care to name. There's too much perverted ideology of all persuasions, and nothing kills faster and better than an ideologue. So watch the blood pressure, dear Murtaza. Don't explode to no purpose.
May I just take a moment to say how tame my blog is compared with yours. I come here to be roused from apathy and boy do you rouse! Maybe you're an ideologue! Oh, no! Don't tell me Murtaza in control would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire!
Love, Alec xx

Amna K said...

Gosh.. I'm sure Uncle Sam wet his pants!!

Murtaza, listen to me: 'Hakuna Matata'


Alpha Za said...

haha Alec, I don't think I really have a readership as per say.

The American Government is the absolute polar opposite of it's people. I can pay no higher compliment. I had a fantastic five years there, but I couldn't help but note how the people rarely evaluated the impact their government was having on the rest of the world and how bad what they do makes the nation look.

My health is fine, this facetious 'rant' was my way of trying to make others understand why the COMMON Pakistani populace feel so strongly against the US. I'm lucky enough to be in a position of privilege, but I thought I'd lend my voice to the disenfranchised that are typically ignored or written off as conservative nutjobs (which some of them are)

Your blog is fantastic my British friend, it's deeply personal and whimsical in a way that mine isn't.

Thanks for the comment dude!

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Haha, I hope Uncle Sam doesn't, he may feel the need to invade another country to make himself manly again. Then again North Korea seems to be asking for it.

Sonia said...

I love your courage as much as I loved this blog. Do you feel some relief now?

Alpha Za said...

@ Sonia: Thanks for the comment, I don't actually agree it's courage on my part to write this, it's just that the world forgets sometimes forget that there are actual reasons why Pakistani's hold a negative view of America.

Why does the fact that I'm a Rich Elitist kind of fellow make it braver than if a poor disenfranchised fellow says it? His only draw back is that he isn't literate enough to communicate his thoughts in an effective manner and instead resorts to violence, maybe not suicide bombings, but burning flags and looting. Violence negates message. If every would be extremist was able to express himself without resorting to violence then maybe we'd live in a different sort of world.

The only relief I feel is that I can effectively express the anger of others which I actually don't feel. A wee bit of pent up writer pride right about now.

Yo Mista! said...

This was amazing man. Simply. Amazing.

Alpha Za said...

@ Yo Mista: Thanks man.