Monday, May 17, 2010

Food: The Silver Bullet

I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.

There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. 

Humility is a lesson that I suck at. Instead of losing myself in the frollicles of that hopeless battle, I have decided to embrace my suckiness, I am who I am. There is a part of me that refuses to sit down and pretend that I am nothing special, that my achievements are simply oddities that one litters my titanic sized desk with without really appreciating them. I have spoken, I have decided. I refuse to be ordinary.

To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?

Is the answer.... Dinner?

Now admittedly, I am actually pretty hungry right now, but it makes complete unrelenting sense.

We have a human interest to survive and the best way to do that is to eat. The countries that have the most miserable people are typically the ones that are the most underfed. Look at those poor North Koreans....and all those folks in Africa (sorry, if that's a bit racist....but Fuck you, it's not). Even in the US, people are going hungrier as they lose their jobs and what not. People who are hungry, are just miserable. Look at models....totally sucky people.

Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.

Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.

It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.

It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.

Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.

The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.

I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)

So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.

Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.

So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.


Sonia said...

Loved reading the post during my LrOD (lunch religiously on desk).
If every Pakistanis start skipping one lunch per week (or eat something very simple) and give that to poor, it will help them in
1- Reducing weight and staying healthy.
2- Feel ing better by helping someone.
3- Collecting good deeds for that “big day”.

Alpha Za said...

Hey Sonia, thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Glad it didn't kill your appetite for a meal.

Ofcourse skipping a meal would help them, but we don't have the proper mechanism to ensure that the food gets to where it needs to be.

The only down side is that we need to create opportunities for people to feed and support themselves. Making them reliant on the State or an NGO is awful for their feeling of self worth.

Skipping meals, is actually not good for your if you are trying to lose wieght, it's more about eating smaller meals for frequently.

Feeling better thumbs up!

Collecting good deeds: You can never have enough!

SakhtJaani said...

zabardast writing bhai!!

Bilkul sahi baat likhi hai aapne.

Aapka ek fan badh gaya ab se.

Sakht Jaani

Alpha Za said...

@ Sakht Jaani: Thank you for the comment yaar. Tum buss parhtay raho or comment zaroor batana. Feedback bhi barri kaam ki cheez hai.