Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dear United States Senators

Dearest Senators, Kerry, Lugar and Berman,

Thank you so much for your interest in the great nation of Pakistan. We are indeed the greatest nation in the world….well, not greatest quite yet, but we’re getting there. Did You Know that we are ONLY the 10th most failed state in the world. We trample the likes of Somalia, Zimbabwe in terms of honesty, endeavor and progress.

Know that your USD $7.5bn package will be well allocated to the neediest segments of Pakistan…well, after the military and government bureaucracy takes it’s cut, we promise to allocate the several hundred dollars left to uplift the lives of millions of Pakistani….pinky swear

In the spirit of our infinite partnership and a celebration of the billions of dollars you’ve chucked down our tube wells and into military hardware (thanks for the F-16’s), we desire an extension to our historic partnership. After all, we’re like BFF (Best Friends Forever)

We’ve even come up with a particularly feasible set of terms which would prove advantageous to all concerned….in the long run….hopefully. We naturally would like money, dollars preferably, but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating, Nuke toting nation can simply print more without answering to the IMF, we feel that we are getting you an absolutely fabulous deal in the process.   

On a strategic level you can continue bullying Iran, seal off a few trade routes, flatten Afghanistan to extract that lovely lump of lithium y’all discovered, peeve off China AND best of all, threaten India with greater effectiveness than we ever could (the last would supremely please the Pakistani people, we assure you). Never again will anyone call India a rising superpower. They can be your Cuba….along with Iran, Afghanistan and China. See how generous we are being? You are so lucky to have us!

Our demands…ahem…requests are quite simply that you triple our ‘Aid’ package, deposit an equal chunk in our Swiss bank accounts (we suggest you get a few too…we’ll teach you how), give us US Green cards and in return we’ll give you Pakistan. All of it. Our nuclear launch codes, Mineral deposits, Lassi’s and even our souls….the 180 million people worth of body parts (we got’em all, kidneys, hearts, livers etc) are a bargain in itself. What Joy!

We look forward to announcing you as the Pakistani Tri-Partite to the General populace. Imagine how wonderful it would be never to lose an election again! We assure you, this is truly the will of the people…we should know, we are the democratically elected parliament dummy!

Respectfully Yours (For a Price, See above terms)


Democratically Elected Pakistani Parliament

PS: Please ignore this crazy woman. She is an atrocious liar, we deny having the ability to read which makes being paperless quite efficient.

PSS: Don’t get the Military mad…seriously….they have guns….your guns in fact. They use the constitution to wipe their behinds.


Amna K said...

ahhahhah!! This is more hilarious that the Britain letter!! Loved it!! :-D

Alpha Za said...

Haha, thanks, I'm glad someone liked it!

bolkalia said...

"but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating"

Surely you jest cause there are more Muslim haters in the ISlamic Repugnant of Pakistan then the US you so brazenly accuse of this heresy. Ironic ain't it! After all where in the World do people blow Mosques to smithereens? you got it Pakistan.Pakistan is like a slug on the side of a highway with placard that reads "blasphemy or bust" and to its utter delight I assume both. All pakistani's live and mostly die with the motto "have bomb, will travel". Do enjoy! For more pakistani bashing please visit my blog at:

Alpha Za said...

@ Bolkali: Thank you for your comment. I agree that attacking mosques is indeed despicable, an unfortunate occurrence that also takes place in the United States. There is also the small matter of institutionalizing discrimination against Muslims. There is a difference between when a govt. acts and when an extremist group acts. Should I judge India's people on the actions of their Marxist separatist groups?

In case it escaped your attention the Pakistani military has been noticeably active killing extremist elements.

As far as your comment of 'Have bomb, will travel';you should really pray that isn't true because we have nukes.

I feel rather sorry for the level of hate you seem to foster towards Pakistan. It's almost sad in a pathetic sort of way.

Anonymous said...


Alpha Za said...

@ ArtkaPakistan: glad you enjoyed that ;)