Be Nice to Police Wallas!

"Be Nice to Police Wallas." I know any Pakistani or person who has every felt wronged by our esteemed law enforcement agency will have a severe intestinal spinning reaction to this statement, but just bear with me. We Really Should be Nice to the Police, especially in Pakistan. Now, based on overwhelming consensus, most are corrupt and there may be a shortage of traditional honesty in the ranks, but one can contend that even the corrupt ones deserve to be treated with respect, and for the few occasions where one actually encounters an honest cop, they ought to appreciate the rarity.

Why? because frankly, they do a lot for us which we either  ignore or don't appreciate their work as they are merely 'doing their jobs'.CEO's get big bonuses for good performances, police wallas get.....squat. The truth is that, we, the Pakistani populace is part of the problem. If this was a business, we'd be the annoying customers who everyone unequivocally hates. Let's be honest, we all love to bitch and whine about our corrupt bribe taking gun toting Cops, but we fail to consider the circumstances that they operate in. All in all, their lives suck.

Perpetually disrespected: Let's face it, no one respects the work that cops really do in terms of maintaining law and order. We have some cultural mindset defect that at the first sign of trouble we want the Rangers to be brought into the city to save us with their big guns and heavy equipment. My driver even mentioned at a recent traffic jam near the Sheraton that if the rangers were brought in to manage traffic that traffic jams would become extinct.

I'm a particular fan of the traffic police who ensure the smooth-ish flow of traffic on Karachi's law breaking roads, with the only tools at their disposal being their flapping arms and their ability to fearlessly navigate a stream of fast paced cars that insist on hitting their breaks less than a few feet away from them. And yet they stand solid in front of cars with little regard to their own well being. If this was any other profession we'd consider this grounds for dismissal on the grounds of mental health.

Bare bones authority is their modus operand um: the police get overruled on a whim by everyone. Why? Because they have no desire to get fired for correctly fining a person for breaking the law, just because the violators are well connected. In fact all you have to do is throw a few big names (the term General Saahib works quite well) and then they'll usually let you go. Driving an expensive imported car helps too. The only people they actually really bother are the poor and middle class, who aren't exactly flush with cash.

Considering how little they get paid and food prices sky rocketing on a whim coupled with how dangerous their jobs are, I do to some degree sympathize with them, as much as I hate corruption on a personal level, it's difficult to imagine how else they would make their ends meet. After all, it's not like they live the Espresso Life. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Perpetually scared for your life. Naturally, Gangsters, mobsters, looters, Taliban and the other pillaging thugs of Pakistan like nothing better than to have the police butt out of their affairs. Which the police is largely happy to do via soft understandings which may or may not include exchanges of cash/services complete with the logic that it's better for the various Mafia's to wipe each other out. Add to the fact that the mafia is usually better armed than the cops are.

It isn't uncommon for the Police to be lynched by the very mob that they are trying to protect: The Common mob is particularly prone to target the police in their protests...and this is when they are trying to ensure everyone (well mostly everyone) gets out alive.

Let's face it, even at the most mundane level the police have some hazardous working conditions. The guys who work the street have it bad, they have the pleasure to stand in the sun all day directing traffic, kicking away beggars, or patrolling our trash infested streets, waiting for something bad to happen (well something bad enough for them to care about). I sure hope the traffic cops at least get free laundry service. Keeping those uniforms white after a day sweating in the sun or getting drenched by the rains must be an inevitable failure of an enterprise.

The guys in their offices have it even worse, if anyone has been inside a police station they'll be impressed by the ingenuity of the place. Termite riddled Desks are held together with super glue, cement bricks act as support for rickety furniture. Poor interior decoration coupled with a lack of good looking women leads to a poor work atmosphere. The criminals don't help much either. An inherent lack of attractive women lead to terrible morale. Look at all of the foreign banks, pretty women = terrific morale....pity the performances don't match.

We live in a country where a Pizza hut delivery guy gets to your house before the police. Now the number of brand new police Toyota Corollas and Suzuki Mehrans are highly misleading. Majority of our cops still travel in junk grade bikes and various antique pickups that are better suited for transporting livestock (the livestock don't complain).  

To Protect and Serve. Why should they even we can't find it in our hearts to treat them with a modicum of decency. They, police wallas deserve to be treated with atleast a modicum of decency, otherwise they'll continue to have have minimal professional pride and become more prone to corruption. After all, on a human level, being able to afford nice stuff makes them feel better. Maybe we'd treat them differently if we realized that they are not so different from the rest of us.

A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com

Why I Didn't Become A Journalist

 
Ladies & Gentlemen, believe it or not, once upon a time, I was actually contemplating a career as a journalist. I had always been a pretty good writer (as well as public speaker, poet, rugby player, Star Craft player, Checkers Champ, etc but why be arrogant about my God given talents?) I was in high school, in Karachi Grammar School (KGS) when I first started writing professionally (getting paid; I was trying to earn my way to my first cell phone), I was a pretty productive writer (unashamedly money, resume and intellect driven), I even founded a 'Journalism Society' (read "Club I founded & appointed myself President; true Pakistani style"). I used to write incessantly for the likes of  Dawn group's Young World, Education Pages, Review, Books & Authors, The Star (Designated: Youth Editor), etc. Many assumed that I'd continue on with that writing fervor and commit my career (and possibly my potentially short-lived life) to journalistic endeavor.

Well, I didn't. I discovered this wonderfully practical thing called economics, then finance and voila here I sit today, a cog in Pakistan's well functioning Financial juggernaut. I have no regrets and never will. But I still write, and will probably continue to do so till it utterly bores the inspiration right out off me.

 As far as I was concerned, it wasn't a bait and switch to get into college (I had a phenomenal resume and list of extra currics). I was actually more than mildly interested in journalism. I could write, I had an inquisitive mind, a flair for witty prose, but sadly I lacked passion for journalism, the search of truth in itself. Perhaps more importantly (to me anyway) I discovered that I didn't actually like most journalists. For a social animal like myself, great people to work with tend to matter.

The media industry, as cool as some of it's folk are, is heavily laden with self-important, overly clever, under talented individuals *who*seemed to be put on this earth to aggravate my early morning happiness. Now, to be fair, I'm a rather judgmental  person and not the greatest morning person to start with, but I'm forgiving, have an analytical mind and tend to care about the news; quite a nice lad infact.

Journalists seem to enjoy this "I'm searching for the truth & enduring hardships" mindset that may seem adorable to an 13 year old idealist child, but I found it (and still find it) extraordinarily annoying. All these veteran truth seekers seem to want to talk about was how much secret information (dirt) they had, how the government tries to hide the truth (which I'm sure they do), or how some XYZ person was completely corrupt and how they were going to uncover the truth and expose them all for their crimes (probably guilty); they barely ever did; they were however, very quick to blame the government and their publishers who probably wanted something called 'verifiable sources'.

I do recall an occasion where one particularly irrate pompous Journalist was claimed that the government refused to allow him entrance into a particularly dangerous hostile area. It was a hot spot for decapitations and murders...can you blame the government for not allowing journalists in the area? I don't. Now if they did let the Journalist in question get himself killed, the head lines would rage about how insecure the area and how the government ought to have provided personal protection to the individual. Which if the government actually did they'd be criticized by the Journalist for constraining his movement and not letting him get the entire picture. It's a perfect damned if you and damned if you don't situation. Because a newspaper always seeks a headline, even if it has to create one. That's another thing I hate about journalists, everything is in hindsight.

On the rare occasion that these stalwarts of truth, justice and freedom were successful in uncovering whatever massive conspiracy they had arduously pursued, they always seemed embittered by how little people cared. How ignorant the general populace was about their ground breaking achievements (Most failed to realize that over half the population can't even etch their name).

Pakistani Journalists don't write with a passion for the truth or some mildly noble cause, they write for accolades, and a fleeting sense of self worth; one headline at a time, byline by byline. As if a newspaper article would catapult them onto the national stage and shower them with prestige. Evidently it doesn't, at least not in the lofty social circles that they expected it to (they want fame & fortune like everyone else).

Every journalistic rant is laced with enough generic platitudes to send an elephant into a coma and begging for an enema, or at least therapy. Journalists brandish unspecific ideas, abstract concepts and ridiculous prose as if they are Paul Coelho. They are not. they are scribes, and there is nothing wrong about that, but for my morning news, I'd love a little clarity.

The 9th time I read 'betterment for our country', 'morality', 'cultural values', 'Islamic ideals', 'democratic ideals' and 'not our culture', I stop caring what else the writer has written. Because he has no clue what he's talking about. Or at the very least can't convey his thoughts in an effective enough manner that an English educated Foreign graduate like myself can't fathom what the hell he's talking about.It's a waste of my mental acumen to concern myself with what he may or may not mean.

Most journalists have their own little (or large) pet cause or NGO that they support and strive very hard to make them relevant (sometimes for an additional commission). They feel that their patronage is the most important part of the organization, never mind the hard work actually done by the NGO's foot soldiers.  

Journalists feel that it's their God given right to bash the government over any and everything. The default crux of anything printed somehow revolves around the government's inefficiency. I understand, Public Sector enterprises cost the government (give or take) almost $3 billion dollars in bailouts last year. But which private (preferably foreign) company would want to buy a bloated, unprofitable enterprise? PIA has negative equity. Which in layman terms means you have to pay someone else to take it over.

On the flip side, does anyone really want mass unemployment? because if the Government did make such a move, the media would be loaded with stories of how the government was 'ending the livelihoods' of so many people and 'destroying' their lives whilst the politicians load up on corruption. It's a perpetual blame game in which journalist can sit back and criticize without any actual value creation; though some esteemed journalistic icons have expressed how by criticizing and holding the government accountable they were infact 'saving the nation (usually from some form of far-fetched conspiracy)'. Basking in hindsight journalism is about as useful as completing a marathon on a broken foot. You can complain about it, but shouldn't you have rested the foot instead of navigating the rest of life with a limp. Pro-active versus Reactive.

Because Obviously it's okay to kill anyone other than a Journalist

"More things in politics happen by accident or exhaustion than happen by conspiracy."
Jeff Greenfield
 
Everything is a conspiracy with a delectable combination of the government, various political parties, United States, NGO's, IMF, Indian secret intelligence (RAW), the army and the ISI (Pakistan's version of the CIA). As much fun as drawing room conspiracy theories are to discuss. They really ought to stay away from News Papers. News Papers should have a grounding in Facts. Unless it's the funnies section; I love the funnies section...till the publishers shortened it to expand their pulpit space.


Maybe it's an inherent part of our 'culture' to blame anyone in a position of authority stemming from a 'colonial mind-set' but eventually we need to stop making excuses and own the government that we have. Cut them some slack when deserved and bash them when they do mess up gloriously.

Call me an elitist demanding snob, but if I'm going to devote the 50 odd seconds or so of my day perusing some poorly spell checked piece I demand that it not only be properly written but have some actual actionable result. Bemoaning the lack of government involvement is a cop out.

I did ask myself if I wanted to be the man that changed that? And the truth is that I lacked the conviction too. Everything I wrote would either be edited, dumbed down or rephrased in such a way that the authors style was scrubbed from the piece and the editors meek voice reigned supreme. Personally, I also hate it when people edit my work. Hence the bloggery with all of my mistakes is still my preferred outlet. 

I still write more than a few satire pieces and general free lance articles for Dawn, Pakistan's largest English Daily Newspaper, but I write primarily as a mental release. I'm selfish in that I write to amuse myself (and possibly a few others) and enjoy the perks of being published (of which there are none that I actually care about).

To be fair there are some Journalists that I have a massive respect for, but I had and still have no desire to be in their place; though there are pleasures to be had as the Saint in the land of Sinners. Just not for me.

* Thanks Alec

No One Cares About Your Degree...

Academia is boring. Studying is annoying. Degrees are useless. Kids go to school/college to socialize and hang out with their friends, hit on girls (if your privileged enough to go to a liberal (read Co-ed) school) and to avoid spending all day at home being shamed by their families into getting a job; the only people that attend school for the sheer purpose of academia are the ones whose best friends’ have names like Stanlake, Shakespeare and Farkhanda Noor. Not exactly the greatest conversationalists.

Now, I have no problem with these bright eyed few who equate educational water carrying to future greatness. I’d just like to point out that they are sorely mistaken if they think their hard work matters.

Why? Because in Pakistan, we don’t care about education. We pay lip service like every other country (good politics), but we don’t do anything about it (great politics). After all, why bother doing something about a ‘problem’ no one cares about?

Firstly, the numbers speak for themselves. We spend more on a single piece of military hardware than our entire education budget; Defense PKR 442bn versus PKR 34.5bn for education.....thank god foot soldiers are cheap…and largely uneducated. It’s also much easier to load up PSE’s with useless employees and then provide subsidies. Again, great politics, because people don’t care about education, they care about jobs. And you’ll always take time out of your day to help out the political party that gets you a job.

Secondly, contrary to popular opinion having a wall full of degrees doesn’t make you successful. It means you spent a lot of money and time in the hope that people will find it impressive. Pity that they don’t. “A's may pay, but D's get degrees”; wrong, a degree is a piece of paper. If one wants to succeed in Pakistan, they don’t need a degree. They need ‘contacts’, friends in high places and a liberal relationship with morals.

Dozens of officials are being slammed for possessing fake degrees. Instead of admonishing them, we ought to celebrate their brilliant complicity; after all, they didn't need a degree to be rich, successful and elected to parliament! The venerable Governor of Balochistan went as far as to claim that there is no distinction between a fake or real degree, after all, as he logically surmises, a degree is a degree. After all, they’re both a piece of paper. Never mind the difference between an elected leader and a military dictator…..after all, they’re both Presidents aren’t they?

On a financial stand point all of our Political head honchos are raging successes, and they did it without that measly piece of paper that everyone contends has value. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn't need one either. Education does not equate to success or measure ability, it measures time wasted, opportunities lost.

The Forever Talented Masses: I am tired about hearing how much untapped 'talent' there is in Pakistan. Now if there was so much talent, you'd think they'd be doing more with it. But they are not. In the unlikely scenario that this youth is more talented than your average vegetable, what have they done…. Other than complain? Verifiably awesome at that.

Pakistan is an agricultural economy. We grow stuff. We don't make computer chips. If you gave an average Pakistani farmer a fistful of $1000 Pentium chips, he'd dump them in his fields, and try to grow it...and they don’t, he'll blame the fertilizer , the government and the Zionists. We don’t need more computer science majors; we need people to work the fields and drive those Government subsidized Tractors, a computer programmer makes a terrible farmer…unless he plays Farmville.

Uneducated Electorate = Subservient sycophantic electorate. No Pakistani politician has ever democratically won his seat thanks to the 0.5% privileged rabble rousing educated segment of the population. They win because of the masses who couldn't tell the difference between a boti roll and a hot dog. Political parties have a greater scope to fool the masses if they haven't been taught how to think.

So, let's stop pretending that we education really matters. Over half our country is illiterate, and they seem to be doing alright. It's no biggie. There aren't any revolutionaries threatening to break down doors of parliament demanding things like good governance or any sort of Africa style famine pictures adorning our media's front pages. Things are A-OK.

In Pakistan degrees don’t matter. There. I said it. We don't need education. Well, let’s be generous and say we don’t need any more education (wouldn’t want those feisty ghost schools to go out of business). All we need is the Quran, and chaps that can interpret it for us, we tend to prefer the ones that we agree with.

Why bother investing in education when you can invest in bombs, bullets and government perks? No one cares about your degree; it’s just delaying your entry into the real world and considering the world we live in, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. No one cares, atleast not in Pakistan.

A Version of this Piece was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

Dear United States Senators

Dearest Senators, Kerry, Lugar and Berman,

Thank you so much for your interest in the great nation of Pakistan. We are indeed the greatest nation in the world….well, not greatest quite yet, but we’re getting there. Did You Know that we are ONLY the 10^th most failed state in the world. We trample the likes of Somalia, Zimbabwe in terms of honesty, endeavor and progress.

Know that your USD $7.5bn package will be well allocated to the neediest segments of Pakistan…well, after the military and government bureaucracy takes it’s cut, we promise to allocate the several hundred dollars left to uplift the lives of millions of Pakistani….pinky swear. 

In the spirit of our infinite partnership and a celebration of the billions of dollars you’ve chucked down our tube wells and into military hardware (thanks for the F-16’s), we desire an extension to our historic partnership. After all, we’re like BFF (Best Friends Forever)

We’ve even come up with a particularly feasible set of terms which would prove advantageous to all concerned….in the long run….hopefully. We naturally would like money, dollars preferably, but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating, Nuke toting nation can simply print more without answering to the IMF, we feel that we are getting you an absolutely fabulous deal in the process.   

On a strategic level you can continue bullying Iran, seal off a few trade routes, flatten Afghanistan to extract that lovely lump of lithium y’all discovered, peeve off China AND best of all, threaten India with greater effectiveness than we ever could (the last would supremely please the Pakistani people, we assure you). Never again will anyone call India a rising superpower. They can be your Cuba….along with Iran, Afghanistan and China. See how generous we are being? You are so lucky to have us!

Our demands…ahem…requests are quite simply that you triple our ‘Aid’ package, deposit an equal chunk in our Swiss bank accounts (we suggest you get a few too…we’ll teach you how), give us US Green cards and in return we’ll give you Pakistan. All of it. Our nuclear launch codes, Mineral deposits, Lassi’s and even our souls….the 180 million people worth of body parts (we got’em all, kidneys, hearts, livers etc) are a bargain in itself. What Joy!

We look forward to announcing you as the Pakistani Tri-Partite to the General populace. Imagine how wonderful it would be never to lose an election again! We assure you, this is truly the will of the people…we should know, we are the democratically elected parliament dummy!

Respectfully Yours (For a Price, See above terms)

XOXOXO

Democratically Elected Pakistani Parliament

PS: Please ignore this crazy woman. She is an atrocious liar, we deny having the ability to read which makes being paperless quite efficient.

PSS: Don’t get the Military mad…seriously….they have guns….your guns in fact. They use the constitution to wipe their behinds.

10 Things I Hate About Democracy

There are some things I love about democracy, the ideal that everyone is born equal, that everyone ought to have a say in the running of their nation. However, when I left my text book idealism and looked at the Pakistan around me, I felt compelled to write this post

1. Stupidity Measurement Index: We get to really ascertain how stupid the general populace really is. Whether it's re-electing perpetually corrupt or the unbelievably incompetent, our general populace prefers electing the same old corrupt faces. It’s not even that these are folks with any modicum of class…just look at the way they treat each other.

2. The government is expected to always step in because they are ‘democratically’ elected and ‘serve the people’; to be fair they do service the people….their own people as it turns out……which turns out to be a very limited number.  It sickens me to see imported land cruisers and VIP service all paid for by tax payer money, I’m almost glad I don’t have access to view their Swiss Bank Accounts. 

3. Democracy Complex: We justify bad governance by saying 'at least it's a democratically elected government'. Our Democratic idealist love to admonish from their pulpits about some mythical time hundred of years into the future where a few bad teething years of democracy served the greater good. For starters that is insane. If we keep repeating the same cycles of democratically elected ahem re-appropriators of budget resources, things will never change. And secondly, it is hardly any relief to the common man who can’t afford two square meals a day that he has a democratic government. As our honorable Finance Minister stated ‘Starving amongst plenty’ indeed.

4. We elect idiots and feel justified in ranting about how incompetent they are. If you lect a fool with a track record for being a corrupt fool, you don't have the right to be pissed when he acts like a corrupt fool. Particularly when the venerable representative is forced to resign on account of holding a fake degree and then gets re-elected to Parliament on the back of the sitting Prime Minister’s conditional offer of a mega project if the electorate sees fit to re-instate the said official back into office. And you know what…he was re-lected…by a handy margin.

5. Corruption Personified: Our democratically elected MNA's have a god complex and feel perfectly justified in even the most common place thievery. I’m not saying military rule is much better in this regard, but my perception is that the army has a sense of honor that arises from a largely meritocratic organization. The meritocracy of our democratic system stems from accidents of birth. Even the competent are removed on grounds of ….ahem…transitional favoritism.

6. Hypocrisy: Only in Pakistani democracy would an elected official admonish others about energy savings but then be stealing electricity him self. The also feel justified in loading up PSE’s with political appointees and friends in order to ‘reduce’ unemployment, and then blame the PSE for being a burden on the economy. politicians blame each other for the lack of getting anything done due to the desire to build consensus. More like splitting the pie amongst themselves to see who can get the biggest piece. There are no checks and balances: The Checks and balances our democratically elected politicians are familiar with refer to the checks politicians expect written out to augment their bank balances.

7. Democracy is the mob, and in Pakistan the mob is surprisingly easy to manipulate. Oppression of the majority on the minority. Democracy is divisive. Democracy is all about controlling the Mob. That’s it. It is Politicians gaming what they think 51% believe over the remaining 49%, and even in that context they consider which segments actually vote. Religion and Morality are well received segments. Democracy, where even the stupid have as much voting power as the brilliant.

8. Religious Infusion: Islam was built on the basis of democracy....bullshit.... nothing about Islamic governance is predicated on democratic inclination. Prophet (PBUH) wasn't elected by the general populace neither were the Caliphs or the Imams. You get the ability to elect barely literate 'leaders' to run the largest organization in Pakistan. It ought to be left to professionals, not the politicians (Hire the Singapore Government; before anyone suggests, no I have no desire to move there, just pointing out what works). The closest thing to an Islamic Democracy is Islam, where the elected members have wonderful 'advisory' roles with lots of checks and balances by religious institutions.

9. Democracy is a punishment for not having popular enough western leaning leaders. The motto seems like 'Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to you'. Saudi Arabia, friendly pro-Americans. Kim Jong Il elected leader of North Korea, Axis of evil. So, you better have the right democracy appears to be the order of the day.

10. But what I hate about democracy the most is that best, most stable, economically prosperous years I’ve known have been when we had a military dictatorship (GDP output grew from USD 40bn to USD 160bn), when our economy was deemed to potentially be the next China or at the very least India. Under democracy, now we look like the Nigeria’s oil less, religious, drug addled cousin.

Democracy has disappointed me. It’s not the silver bullet, and for a country like our that is so blessed with natural resources our lack of progress is an embarrassment to God’s good graces. According to news reports, the country has the second largest salt mine in the world, fifth largest gold mine, seventh largest copper mine, fifth largest coal reserves, seventh largest wheat and rice production capacity, is eighth in the rankings of fresh water availability and to add to our embarrassment of riches we possess 185 billion tonnes of Thar coal. And even with all those blessed resources we have a fiscal, energy and international trade deficit.

The primary root of my angst is the lack of education. An uneducated stupid electorate will elect similar leaders. However, the government has no incentive to invest in education, and hence budget after budget, election after election all we are feted to is the customary lip service to education. What’s the point of a democracy if your people starve?

Maybe, I'm just out of line (not exactly outlandish) Is Democracy a dish best served cold? Or in our case….space frozen.  

Sadistic: How to Punish with the Corrupt

Pakistan has more than it's own fair share of corrupt politicians, not only are they corrupt, but they are the lying cheating child sodomizeing scum of the earth. Needless to say, I don't think much of them, and neither do most educated Pakistani's. Unfortunately we're an elitist minority and that means we don't yield the electoral power that most of the poorly educated majority of the sycophantic morons feel.

Recently a politician was forced to resign from his Parliamentary seat, because well...he lied about his educational qualifications.......namely that he had any. The esteemed elected representative who was claiming to have earned a Bachelors in Islamiat had no clue over the most basic tenets of Islam or the Quran....which judging by his actions and profession quite frankly doesn't surprise me a whole lot either.

But, what does surprise me is that this esteemed fellow, Dasti, resigned from his MNA seat before the courts kicked him out of office, was then appointed as special advisor to the Prime Minister and then finally got re-elected from that very same seat he was forced to vacate in a by-election.....on the promises of the same Prime Ministers promises for a cool (by cool we mean pricey) Mega project for the area....if Dasti was elected. Abuse of power much?

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME!!!! (WTF WTF WTF)

Now, I do a fair bit of whining, and oft feel guilty for not doing something more productive for the betterment of society in general. So, with that in mind, I have developed some innovative measures on how corrupt officials ought to be punished. These, if properly implemented should reduce the incidence of corruption or at the very least make it less obvious. I may never become a politician supremo myself (sniffity sniff my ass), but I'd sure love to provide the framework on how to remind these wonderful public servants that they work for the people, not their Private Wealth Managers ecstasy overdose driven happiness.  

Make corruption the only crime in Pakistan that is eligible for castration. ohk, maybe that's a bit harsh (not), we'll just have them publicly raped by some sexually ravenous gay friendly Taliban. The key idea is that to make the punishment for engaging in corrupt activities so harsh that no one would be corrupt for fear of the potential repercussions. oh, and I'm sure we can find a few sadistic gay tourists who would love that shit.

Public Televised Flogging Events complete with pay-per-view public viewings on the web. Now, this would obviously be adult rated (like we care about those pesky ratings anyway), and by publicly broadcasting the impact of abusing ones power and being just plain fraudulent, that everyone will think twice about the next time they both offer or take a bribe. Gotta Love Saudi Arabia, they even have public squares where they behead people, cut off their hands and what not. You can use the Ad and TV revenue to build a few more Parks....and fund a few circuses...I love the circus. So cool to see the seemingly ordinary accomplish the extraordinary....like finding an honest politician for example.

Government Coffers Waste Reduction Plan: When a department makes a budget, a good chunk of change tends to go missing. Fuck that. Make those bastards in charge a wee bit more accountable. Have ALL publicly allocated funds disbursements all posted on a web site. When money is allocated to a project, show a the damn progress chart, if you need help, I'm sure there is some malnourished middle school kid who can do it for you. Now If that money isn't being used for the stated purpose or is willfully being looted, take the bastards out and let the Dobermans skull fuck them before eating them....there is something to be said for German efficiency. After their dead, we'll take the usable organs and sell them, the funds will be used to be put back in the project so that....wait for it....it can actually be completed and serve the purpose it was intended for....yes I realize there might be a shortfall or two, but odds are, the government might actually get shit done. Fingers Crossed.

Pakistan Gladiators: Politicians love to tell us how brave they are and how they need enough security to conquer and occupy Singapore, to maintain their safety.... so I say we should put them to the test. Russell Crowe this Shit. If we find a corrupt Politician, we put him/her in an arena (cricket stadiums will do, we're definitely not getting any International Cricket any time soon) and then watch as they battle an assortment of Donkeys, Lions, Taliban, Elephants and perhaps the odd Kraken if we snare one up. Television ratings would be awesome. Krakens are Cool. 

For particularly attractive Corrupt Women, once convicted will be made available for online Prison Gangbangs flicks...they will also be given Desi Lollywood Hooker names like Twinkie and Dolly. The revenues from these will be used for organizations that improve womens rights. Gotta love the irony of it. Fingers crossed there aren't too many of these....it'll be bad for our public image....not. 

Finder Fee Rewards: Those catching corrupt officials will be given rewards, like no taxes for life or a bunch of huge bags o wheat. Or in fact, let's go one better and give that person a percentage of that corrupt individuals wealth. Bet you anything that alot of scum sucking corruption infested departments would be cleaned out real quick. After everyone is done selling each other out, the government will have some pretty huge account balances. 

Once a Politician is convicted, all of his holdings will be seized. His cars, his land, his factories, even his dog become property of the state for the exclusive use of poverty reduction. You rob the people, and now the poorest of that people get something back. It's only fair dammit! 

I hate corrupt people, and at times I wonder is there even anything that we can do about it. We have honest people, and we have corrupt people, but the sphere of Politics is filled with the latter, because no decent human being wants to play in a field infested with a bunch of snap friendly vipers.

Maybe if we set an example and really punish the super corrupt to show how it's not going to fly anymore, as opposed to say, letting them leave the country in the comfort of their foreign bank accounts, people would have a greater incentive to be honest. At the very least we could put the bastards behind bars and have it actually be a prison as opposed to glorified hotel complete with booze and a brothel. 

Then again, maybe if we all act corruptly, then we have a more even playing field... but why should we fail at being decent human beings just because our leaders are? Where is the Honor in That? Then again, maybe we've forgotten what honor means. 

Career Day: Politicians

Why Become a Politician?....because LOL... it's like Freaking AWESOME!!! 

Becoming a politican is a terrific civic minded thing to do, by deciding devote one's life to public service, one (mostly land owning men) get to shape the destiny of our country. Plus you get flithy swim in a vat of steaming gold & wipe your ass with USD 100 dollar bills (Pak rupee depreciates far too much) rich.

Women have a significant number of reserved seat in the national and provincial assemblies, they don't seem to have the influence to go with it. Because the truth of the matter is women MNA's are picked by Men. 

Minister or MNA, most people can't tell differentiate . Just because a car has a tacky MNA emblem emblazoned accross the licencse plate doesn't mean that they are a sitting minister. Though I do wonder, that if an MNA car is involved in a hit and run, how exactly do you explain that.....after all.....which MNA? There are hundreds and they seem permanent ensconced in the major cities. In fact some have body doubles and chill in all of them.

The beauty about male politicans is that they don't really have to be the politican. Here comes the MNA....well, he's actually not the MNA, but his wife is...so you can say he is the real MNA. To be fair, in Argentina after their President stepped down, his wife was elected President. My Hero. 

As a political stalwart you get to drive on the lyari expressway and talk about how your hard work had a vital role in building it and without your support that this would never have come into being. Ofcourse this discounts the fact that the express way has been shut down for the day...but who gives a shit about the commoners....blue bloods all the way!

Awesome bandookh brandishing body guard, it's every guys dream to be a hero, but to have your own personal blackwater style army. How freaking awesome is that....and since we have testosterome control issues, we are completely capable of finding new conflicts with which to use them...So we can't pick fights with the other political parties because we don't want the military stepping in, dissolving parliament and subsequently kicking our asses....we can't fight with the military since they have alot more guns...and nukes than we do....so maybe we can pick a fight with those rural bandits...or terrorists....or whatever the US decides to call them this week.

Babes Babes Babes. One cannot say a man chooses politics because of hot women MNA , even though there are a few, and they seem pretty subservient . Women are suckers for power. Don't worry, men are suckers for hot girls. So it works out. This whole navigating a corporate life in order to get the car, the house, the ladies and the big fat bank account is much more efficiently achieved by going into politics.

Loose morals are a plus, in politics you don't have to be squeeky clean (infact it is an utterly devastating disadvantage).

All you need is: Land, Land, Land and friends in Politics...blood relations already in politics is an added bonus. If no land is present, pretend you do, go to a far flung bit of Pakistan and announce yourself as their savour, promise to bring them the world's biggest mosque (because the town's 38 people really can't keep using that verandah anymore), build huge dams, have massive subsidies, free food & water etc  and also claim to be related to the most influential person their, if they don't buy it, then wed that guy's daughter (note: do not forget to leave her there...afterall, moving away from home is very traumatic and you wouldn't want that for your jaanuman) or just marry the Quran 4 times if (she's really really....really ugly and if) you can swing it.

Politicians look really powerful and important, but the truth is that cumulatively, other than attending parties at the Marriott, show boating on TV and occasionally showing up the assembly to lambast the opposition, there isn't a whole lot to do. Though i'm sure that they get really sweet business cards that probably disintegrate whenever a government is dissolved (our printing costs must be insane).

So to all of you nice unemployed folk out their, do us all a favor and adjust your career path to Politics! It's rewarding even though you may never reach heaven. 

Council of Man: Man Made Movement!

Pakistani’s need a new kind of political force to sweep the nation, (not another sycophantic NGO or dissident party), I think it's time for a party that will represent MEN. I'd like to introduce The Man Made Movement (MMM), not to be confused with the dissident Jamaat Islami offshoot ‘Majalis and Maulanas Rock Movement’.

The Party shall be run by the Council of Man; Members are to include Movie Star Shaan, Rocker Ali Noor, Cricketer Shahid Afridi, Celebrity George Clooney, Golfer/Womanizer Tiger Woods and PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt. I nominate myself as communications director and the Chief Councilor of MMM (CM).

Our official symbol will be the Man Salute (Borat style High Five, followed by chest bump) to be recognized as the official symbol for Peace, Love and Brotherhood. We are also willing to undertake the risk of Swine flu and other diseases spreading exponentially, which would increase pharmaceutical firms share price and hence attract foreign investors.

In an innovative new concept, our parliamentary votes will openly be for sale, probably via E-bay. A significant percentage of the revenues will be used for the upliftment of men, the remaining portion is expected to stimulate the entertainment sector's contribution to the western notion of 'Bachelor Parties'....we also recommend Las Vegas trips....strongly.

There seems to be outrage over parliamentarians entitled perks, we feel that this needs to be corrected immediately and the PR be turned over to the MMM communications staff. The MMM advocates a position where all of the various perks such as Free Chai, Peons, Land Cruisers, Salary, Security detail, Air travel etc. This will be explained in exhaustive detail and used as part of an advertising campaign to actively recruit the youth into considering a career in politics....worked for the Armed Forces. Alternatively, bankers and other high level corporate positions packages can be revealed and vilified through the media.

Men’s Rights Bills;

There seem to be a lot of bills floating around for Women, I think men ought to get in on the action as well. After all, we vote too!!!

Men's Anti-Violence Bill; where forcing men to roam bazaars with women is deemed an affront to a man's emotional condition. We recommend Lassi treatments.

Battered Men bill; for men who are beaten by their wives. The men will be sentenced to bootcamp/prison for 6 months and will emerge as a Desi version of Rambo, complete with Vedera moustache and long range chalia spitting skills.

Man-ic depression to be recognized as a medical problem and special vacation leaves will be established (men love holidays); if women get maternity leave, so should guys....guys know how exhausting it is to work fulltime, manage their wives and their children all at the same time. We deserve some time off…preferably away in Dubai.

Establishment of a Man Rehabilitation Centre: A man exclusive treatment centre, Guys will be retaught the basics of fight club, how to watch cricket, smoke a Sheesha, blow smoke rings and curse like a man, be proficient in Kabbaddi, beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and be conditioned not to cry. For extra fees, complete emotional detachment courses will also be covered. We propose the location to be near an all girls college.

WORK PLACE:

We advocate a permanent 5 day work week, working 6 days a week is highly annoying, though we are mindful of the fact that women feel that they live in perpetual a 7 day work week. We feel that if MMM is successful in procuring an extra day off Pakistan’s largely male workforce will increase their productivity, be less irritable, enhance their family communication skills and help out more in the house work.....maybe...

FOREIGN POLICY:

Influence on Foreign Policy: High Fives being the way the President and other high level diplomats meet foreign leaders, it'll make Pakistan seem cooler to our allies and we'll get more foreign aid money; “Aw shucks, I had to give them the USD 5 billion Aid Package, he high fived me and let us have the meeting at a golf course, those Pakistani dudes is awesome.”

We also propose giving the United States and other key Allies fake keys to the nuclear arsenal. If they ever try accessing it, we can blame the Indian Locksmith we used.

SPORTS:

We all want seats on the parliamentary committee for sport. And free tickets to sporting events, yes, it's corrupt, but we are okay with it.  In exchange the party guarantees support any legislation related to religious morality. Quid pro quo.  

Sponsor and Host the first ever Man Olympics; Burping, farting and Eating contests, as well as tests of endurance of who can watch sports for the longest time without falling asleep. Events such as long distance spitting and arm wrestling are also under consideration. We conservatively project revenues from sponsorship, tourism and participation fees to be in the billions.

Holidays on all major and minor sporting occasions coupled with guarantees of no load shedding during sporting events. If we fail to support our national teams via television viewer ship ratings then we are indeed Un Patriotic Pakistani and our players have every reason to fix matches.

MISC:

World Peace bill: because we are international like that and demanding Peace is good inane politics. Precocious amount of blame will be leveled at Zionist scum for political pandering purposes.

A National What Up Day! A day celebrating ‘what up’, this will not just be for guys, but everyone. Every Pakistani citizen will be legally ‘encouraged’ (Anti-Terrorism Police and Rangers will be in charge of enforcement) to say what up to each other and give each other high fives, this will not only increase our tourism revenue.

More man space in shopping malls; Gaming Arcades, Kabaddi rings, indoor football and cricket space are to be incenticized. Men get bored in such consumer based environments and feel very pathetic following our womenfolk around (we can't let them go out alone, otherwise that might compromise their morality and our manliness).

Put the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on every TV channel by law. It is also recommended that a Cleric be found who is willing to proclaim the show is totally halal.

Abolish drug usage rights, grow, manufacture, export and tax. If this is not possible, the Council of Men is willing to compromise on a wide ranging subsidy on Glue. Trade with the Netherlands should increase by several billion dollars annually.

The Party promises to work for subsidies on foreign electronic equipment like big screen Tv's, Play stations and Cars (No Mini Coopers or any feminine looking cars; Proof of manliness required….like a copious number of cup-holders and ashtrays)

LEGAL;

Outlaw 4 marriages. Please. We can't do it anymore. The potential nagging, the whole 'if your tired of this wife, get another one, God lets you have 4' .....The law was made hundreds of year ago!!!! What the hell did we or the last 20 generations of men have to do about it? We only defend it because we want to be good Muslims. How many men do personally know who have more than one wife? Seriously. 

We demand that women be given as many rights as legally permissible, if for no other reason than to end their incessant whining. They whine less, we can enjoy our cricket matches and TV shows in peace....that is of course until they imagine something else to whine about.

The Big Idea.

The truth is that men want women to have their rights as well, but when the realm of religion versus vague traditions and political practicality come into play, we are typically at a loss to explain why, because it’s considered bad form to argue with ones elders and we have no desire to irritate the Almighty. So relax, and watch the MMM take over!

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