Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pakistan: Auditioning A New Sport

Suddenly due to the lack of anything mildly related to cricket in our near future (our tour in England was considered a 'Home Series'), it appears that we now have a gargantuan amount of free time on our hands.

In order to recover from the obvious emotional and yes physical turmoil of the scandal, I feel that is is imperative that we decisively reallocate our inherent obsessive sporting fanaticism to a new sport to obsess over, with rampant unemployment, power outages and now floods, it's not like we have much to occupy our time. The question is what?

Kabaddi: Men grabbing other men in a mud pit.....(Insert Pathan Joke Here)
Verdict: We'll Pass; Something about watching a sport that focuses on fat semi-nude men is lacks appeal unless (insert Pathan Joke Here). I'll completely support any female variation of the sport, though I think a jello pool would make it far more watchable. Women's rights and all that.

Wrestling: Muscular men scampering around in their fashion forward tighty whitey's, somersaulting from awkward angles and pretending to get hurt. We would however, excel in the bravado and blustering aspect of the sport.....oops, it's not allowed to be called that anymore.
Verdict: We'll pass. Apparently a Chammaaat doesn't qualify as a finishing move and evidently Pakistani' Athletes make awful liars. That and the Indian born great Kali is rather scary chap. 

Racing: We are a nation that loves to race our cars, motorbikes, rickshaws and ghudda garis (donkey carts). On the face of it, the sport speaks to our souls, with it's shady rules, loose morals and hypocrisy. 
Verdict: We'll Pass. We can't afford the insurance or technical infrastructure required, besides Petrol is expensive yaar!

Polo: Involves riding a horse, and hitting a ball with a large stick, on the face of it this appears like a worthy successor to cricket, particularly with the advantage of a horse doing all the work, whilst we merely chill on a saddle and swat our sticks around.

Verdict: We'll Pass: We're not Mongols, roaming around on horseback really isn't our thing. 

Surfing: With the advent of the floods, it is a sport that we could see a strong mix of participants both from the ocean dwellers; AKA Karachi.
Verdict: We'll Pass: As nice as it would be to have a Karachi dominated sport, we're rather scared of sharks.

Boxing: A great sport that a Muslim, Muhammad Ali actually has dominated. So there is a sense of legacy in picking up the mantle and beating the Allah right into the infidel (if they don't agree with us, they're all infidels).

Verdict: We'll Pass: we greatly treasure our fabulous good looks. Besides, something distinctly Un-Islamic about punching another Muslim. Boxing matches with the Kaffirs on the other hand.....

Tennis: A passionate sport, which quite frankly the average Pakisani cares little about. Sorry Aisam Ul Haq Note: Pakistani Tennis 'Champion' Aisam Ul Haq....a rather nice boy who likes to play with Indians because no one else likes him enough to play with him.

Verdict: We'll Pass, There is far too much running involved. Unless Shoaib Malik decides to team up with Sania Mirza, then we'll re visit the issue. 

Golf: Haha, Just kidding. 

Rugby: A Manly sport complete with a suicidal lack of body Armour and padding, that involves hustling through a field with opponents having rather demon like characteristics.

Verdict: We'll Pass; It goes against our religious principles to fight with Demons. 

Dance Dance Revolution: Our wedding culture oriented showcases have already developed an envious array of already trained talent to excel in this vicious dangerous sport.....

Verdict: We'll Pass, we don't need another Punjabi dominated team. Besides, we don't put put our women on display. 

Hockey: Former World Champions, now we humiliate ourselves when ever we play.....

Verdict: We'll Pass, don't be silly, we suck at Hockey, the only hockey sticks Pakistani's generally own are used for um...other purposes that would come under the category of self defense. 

Squash: A sport steeped in the legacy of both Jansher and Jehangir Khan. Ever since then we've let it fizzle out....because we don't actually care.
Verdict: We'll Pass; we barely liked it when we dominated it.

Football/Soccer: The beautiful game, a sport where everyone already makes so much money that Match Fixing is out of the question and the idea of Performance adjusting borders on wishful thinking. We can however alter the performance of the Football world by restricting our exports of top quality footballs to the world.
Verdict: We'll .....be Perfect at it! Now all we have to do is find folks who play the game as ardently as we'll be watching it. In order to speed up the process let's throw some money at some Brazilian Street urchins. 

We are all looking for the Perfect Pakistani sport, a sport whose representatives will make us proud of our sporting culture. The truth is that our athletes' talents, morals and deficiencies all reflect what is in every Pakistani, including the artful hypocrisy.

Until we choose to be different, they won't be either. Cricket may well yet be our future, but the fault isn't in the sport. It's in every single one of us, we just choose to ignore it.

Maybe all we need to do is hire some mildly attractive girls to be interested in the sport and we can create a following. Sure worked for Beach Volleyball.

A version of this piece was published at Dawn.com


nuffsaid. said...

Throwball. Every single teenage girl who has been to school in Pakistan knows how to play it. And hell, some of the chicks in my year are really good (probably because they let all academic/sexual/pubescent frustration out in this manner)

Besides, it'll be a huge step forward for women's rights orgs.

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna Chaudhry: I'll be more than happy to consider Throwball as a sport if Men are allowed to design the girl's uniforms (Bikinis) and that if the Throw Ball World Cup is played on the beach.

There are far too many jokes I can make regarding how women can let out their academic/Sexual/Pubescent Frustration out that you'll have to excuse me. Brain Overload.

What would be an even bigger step for Women Rights org is a Women's World Championship of Jello Pool Wrestling.

I conservatively expect viewership in the Billions.

Verdict: Fail, why would Pakistani Men accept a sport that they couldn't beat women at. There is a reason why Pakistan never competed in Miss Universe.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thanks for the comment.

Mildly Gay?

Traitor you are not, a lady of classy taste you are.

I'm all for equality. Besides, a huge fan of good Jello. Snack and Compete at the same time. I'm sure all of the Kabaddi pros would appreciate the change of environment.

I have ample proof that Feminists Suck:


nursemyra said...

So glad you were kidding about the golf

Alpha Za said...

@nursemyra: Thanks for the comment, I really tried to take it somewhat seriously, but failed miserably. Something about the general populace on a golf course with graphite golf clubs seemed horrifying. Though I would say we'd have a much greener country.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I don't think you're an asshole at all. I only blame you slighty for your people's failed attempts to get a sport. There are worse things. They happen every second in my country. I'm only partially at fault for it all, and for the Oakland A's. Then, there's Shaquille O'Neal..Don't get me started. (Sorry about that one.)
Thanks for finding me! I think you're great, and I'm joining your pack.

Iriz said...

haha. so many options. take your pick. it's always great to be involved in sports. enjoy it at best.

have a great day!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Pakistan's national sport should be saying the word "yar" while making a hand-gesture where the wrist rotates 180 degrees. No one could beat you at that.

Thinking said...

hmm....good blog you have and will sure come back soon....

just drop in to say....thanks !

Haroon said...

I have an idea. Why don’t they promote baseball in Pakistan. It is the sport which is most closely related to cricket. In Pakistan they have gulli danda anyway which is similar to baseball or ‘pee wee’ in America. The Pakistan National Baseball team won the Asia Baseball Cup 2010 and they are ranked 8th in the Baseball Federation of Asia and a respectable ranking of 31 with the International Baseball Federation. Furthermore if any of our players make it to the Major leagues in the US or even Japan…they can make way more money than the IPL or county cricket. In conclusion it is a sport in which we can easily transfer our cricketing skills to become great baseball players.

I have an uncle who lived in Japan for almost 10 years and he said that when the Japanese saw him ‘pitching’ (ie same as bowling in cricket) they were surprised that he was so fast. He told them that in Pakistan we play a game of cricket which is strongly related to baseball and requires you to throw the ball with great speed as well. This shows that baseball would be a great sport to develop and we could potentially be great at.

Alpha Za said...

@ RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild: Thanks for the comment, and for saying that I'm not an assholes, I'm sure their are more than a few that might find that assertion debatable.

Oakland A's, Shaq Attacks aside, I think you have some terrific sport teams for sports that the rest of the world doesn't really care about.

Welcome to the Pack; Live Long And Prosper.

@ Iriz: Thank you for commenting, thankfully we are a country of lots of resources and choices, but we're terrible at the decision making. oh well, I guess we had better become awesome at everything.

@ Gorilla Bannanas: You're Right. We'll kick some fucking ass in that. Yar Olympics ahoy!

@ Thinking: Thanks for the comment, hope to hear from you more often.

@ Haroon: Brilliant Idea, But who'd we play with? I mean like, no other country really takes the sport seriously, and beating a bunch of genetically enhanced Japanese is only fun for so long.

Our athletes would certainly make alot more money playing in the Baseball Major leagues, but I think it's more about public interest than anything else. The likes of Cricket are far too ingrained. I bet most Pakistani's know almost nothing about tennis.

Ghausia said...

Hang on, if they're snacking and competing, then they'll get fat! I don't want to watch fat men anymore than you want to watch fat women!

haha that post sounds more like an anti-women who dislike bras blog. What is it with men and bras anyway? Women aren't obsessed with the male undoos after all! Look you think feminists are bad, they've given us a Women Empowerment course this semester. Hell. To. The. No.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Diet Sugar free Jello; Duh.

ahem ahem, Men only advocate Bras for women whose chest don't meet perfection. Because frankly, boys are mean. Actually it's more symbolic, it's considered an FU to all men for a woman to burn their bra. However, we're magnanimously in favor of it if the weather is cold and she's wearing a white cotton T-shirt.

I imagine women are more obsessed with the male wallet. Sorry that was unfair. I should have said MOST women.

Have fun this semester, just rant about Men and make silly conspiracy theory-esque references and you'll get an A. Your thesis will be on High Heels.

floydian said...

Awesome post. It seems we have a great future ahead. 5 * for this entry.

Ghausia said...

But then they'll complain that the jello isn't tasty enough. It would make way for great headlines though; "Jello Wrestlers Non-Diet Jello Secrets Revealed!". Man, I think about random shit way too much apparently.

haha well its stupid not to wear it, never mind why, its just harmful for the girl herself.

Hah, for what its worth I'm more interested in their looks, and whether they're fluent in English and as smart, or smarter than me. Nothing is a bigger turnoff then a man who speaks broken English and isn't as smart as you. And I'm not even that smart.

I like men dude! They're hot, they're sexy, they don't mind my inapproriate jokes and always give great advice, they make me feel better when they tell me I look pretty, I don't wanna bitch about them! I'm attempting to drop the fucking course, its an insult to actually offer the course in the first place. Stupid feminists. Its all their fault.

Unknown said...

Thanks for ur visit...nice blog...

Alpha Za said...

@ Floydian: Thanks man, Glad you enjoyed it.

@ Ghausia: Actually diet jello is pretty good, I knew some girls who used to subsist on the stuff. But yes, your random thoughts are quite out there.

Haha, if it's harmful for the girl and she still does it...isn't that stupid?

Your humility is truly impressive. Male order grooms?

Yes, Yes! Blame Feminism....my plan is working (evil laugh)

@ Bebo: Thanks!

Sidrah said...

sports and pakistan just don't gel. Yes, there are good players out there, but the majority sucks! =/
Yes am not the fan!

btw my blog is here:


Alpha Za said...

@ Sidrah: Thanks for the comment, I think we have alot of great players, they are just ridiculously indiscipline careening from one bar to another. Lately we win on sheer talent, not on anything resembling a team performance. It's what makes us exciting.

Then again, since we're sucking, we should be looking into new avenues of sporting expression.

Am following your blog.

Anonymous said...

Toboganning. If the Jamaicans can do it, then it's fair game for anyone. Who doesn't love spandex and helmets?

Alpha Za said...

@Kyknoord: Thanks for the comment, Hmm, you make an excellent point. I loved Cool Running too.

Pakistani men typically have rather skinny spindly legs; put it down to the bad diet. Trust none of them want to put on a pair of spandex. we prefer sports that can be played in a dhoti.

Leena said...

Haha! Loved ittt! Especially the "Kabaddi" part. The Aisam joke was funny, but a little mean considering his recent achievements, but its all good! :)

alonewithcats said...

I think Pakistan should combine sports and create one of its own. Like squash + hockey + rugby. You know, squockby.

And add jello. Can't forget that.

billy pilgrim said...

you could embrace the the most popular american sports, complaining and over indulgence.

Alpha Za said...

@ Leena: Thank you for the comment, glad you enjoyed it, I'd be less mean, but I'd suck at it.

@ alonewithcats: Sqockby; love the idea, if the aussies and the americans can develop sports that they only play, why can't we? I think it should be combined with an ice hockey blood and guts element....and cheerleaders. Perhaps the cheerleaders can play in the jello first.

@ Billy Pilgrim, thanks for the comment, we can complain over others over indulgence.

Anonymous said...

check this out!


Alpha Za said...

@ Anon: Thank you Anon, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not get caught.

obssesor said...

Hilarious Post, for wrestling I'm sure India would be ready to lend Rakhi Sawant!

Alpha Za said...

@ obssesor: Thanks for the comment and the offer; we may need him!

obssesor said...

At A, it's her not him!

Alpha Za said...

@ Obssesor: Oops...who can tell nowadays with boys dressing like girls and vice versa.

My bad.

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