Wednesday, October 6, 2010

World's Craziest Fatwas

Some people have crazy traditions, like wearing the equivalent to skirts in the wet damp UK weather (Scots), getting married multiple times (Mormons), Having Celibate preachers (Catholics), and in Islam, well, we get crazy fatwas or the legal equivalent to Supreme Court decisions....supported by the might of a fundamentalist Army. In fact, we get these sometimes odd, mostly bemusing and utterly embarrassing religious dictation all the time and sadly, it's usually not a random bearded chap screaming for attention in Mozambique.

It's some rather well respected fellow with a prestigious sounding title. Like Grand "Boom Boom Wappa Wappa" Advisor to his Royal "but not Cooler or higher than God" Highness for Sanitary Affairs; Hence your chief hand washing and cleansing fatwa expert is born. 

So, when I found this list of utterly ridiculous excuses for religious doctrine, I realized that the only way I can make myself feel better is by sharing them and enfusing them with my own brand of.... sardonic dastardliness.

Well...I'd need to recalculate all of my Frequent Flier Miles
The Fatwa: Grand Mufti Sheikh Ibn Baaz: The Earth is Islamically Flat oh and the Sun Revolves Around the Earth
In a 2000 Fatwa titled “The Transmitted and Sensory Proofs of the Rotation of the Sun and Stillness of the Earth”, Saudi Arabian Grand 'Slam" Mufti Sheikh Ibn (I've been Baadz) Baaz asserted that the earth was flat and disk-like and that the sun revolved around it. He had insisted that satellite images to the contrary were nothing but a Western conspiracy against the Islamic world. He also believes the Columbus officially fell off the face of the earth and that Queen Isabella drafted in his twin to ensure that she didn't become the laughing stock of the flat world.

Verdict:I couldn't agree more, generations of young Muslims looking to avoid astronomy and astro physics classes can thank you. Now, I wonder if I'm allowed to use Google Earth?
Source: Al-Ahram Weekly Issue 477, 13-19 April, 2000

Rushdie showing off his arm candy; Padma Lakshmi
The Fatwa: Ayatollah Khomeini: Kill for A Book None of Us Can Should Read!
In 1988, publication of Salman Rushdie’s novel “The Satanic Verses” led Iranian revolutionary leader Ayatollah Khomeini to issue a fatwa against Rushdie, with a huge bounty for his death. This triggered several attacks on the novel’s translators, publishers and booksellers, including the murder of a Japanese translator. Millions of Muslims around the world who had never read a single line of the book, and who had never even met Rushdie before allegedly wanted him dead. The Society for the Prevention of Un Islamic writing claimed that the book was a conspiracy by the Hindu God Jabba the Charpai

Verdict: It's a terrible book, awful overreaching prose, crack pot ideas and did I mention how awful the writing was? Khomeini did us a favor. oh, I've met Rushdie: I could have been ignoring the words coming out from his mouth, but I'm sure that he essentially agreed with my evaluation of his work, funny guy btw. In terms of insulting to Islam; Dante's inferno is alot worse. 
Source: “The West Is Choked by Fear”, Der Speigel Jan 4, 2010, Henryk Broder

Please buy our clothes. It's Halal...We Promise.
The Fatwa: Malaysian National Fatwa Council: Tomboy fatwa
A University of Massachusetts study reported that girls who play sports have higher self esteem (duh, so would mine if I was better at say giving birth than a woman), and are less likely to enter (or remain in) abusive relationships. The guardians of Malaysia National Fatwa Council were obviously compelled to act!. Kuala Lumpur had a near riot when the Sisters in Islam marched against a Malaysian fatwa banning tomboys, which branded any girls who act un-ladylike as violating Islamic tenets; Obviously unemployment is a severe issue in the nation of Malaysia. Fortunately, the as-yet undefined punishment for Malaysian girls in t-shirts and jeans hasn’t been incorporated into Sharia law yet.

Verdict: Epic Fail. This was a pro skirt rally I tell you! Besides, in a perfect world, wouldn't all girls be lady like? (and gorgeous).  Can't you rent protesters in Malaysia? oh wait, that's Indonesia; oddly enough the worlds largest Muslim nation.

The Fatwa: 
Muhammad Al-Munajid: Bring Me the Head of Mickey Mouse
That’s right, somebody put on hit on Mickey Mouse. Calling Mickey “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid decreed that household mice and their cartoon cousins must be “killed in all cases”, according to the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph.
And get this—the guy’s not your average nutjob, either—Munajid used to be a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington D.C....okay, that makes him an above average nut jobs. In context; He made the remarks on Arab television network al-Majd TV after he was asked to give Islam’s teaching on mice.
But don’t worry, Mickey won’t be alone. Munajid also put a hit on Jerry from “Tom and Jerry”.

Verdict: Get the man some cheese and a therapist. I love Tom & Jerry, couldn't he have put a hit out on Count Dracula instead?


The Fatwa: 
Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth: Emoticon fatwa
I can almost get behind this one. Sure, they’re annoying, but evil? Really? Well, to a Muslim forum looking to make a name for itself—yes.
According to Muslim Internet Forum Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth, “Emoticons are forbidden because of its imitation to Allah’s creatures whether it is original or mixture or even deformed one and since the picture is the face and the face is what makes the real picture then emoticons which represent faces that express emotions then all that add up to make them Haram.” should I hide away all of my child hood drawings while I'm at it? I sucked at art.

Additionally, “A woman should not use these images when speaking to a man who is not her mahram, because these faces are used to express how she is feeling, so it is as if she is smiling, laughing, acting shy and so on, and a woman should not do that with a non-mahram man. It is only permissible for a woman to speak to men in cases of necessity, so long as that is in a public chat room and not in private......Define 'necessity'....hormones count? or a really big smiley face...

Verdict: How do they find the time to think about this crap? :-) XOXOX ;-) XOXOX :-P XOXOX :-D

The Fatwa: Football fatwa
No, not even the beautiful game is safe from stupid fatwas, then again, it is the most popular sport in the world. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan lampooned one very real edict setting out new rules for football. Reasonable demands included “do not play with 11 people like the heretics, Jews, and Christians”(I advocate Muslim teams having an extra man...we might actually win a few games), and “play in your pajamas or regular clothes (because) colored shorts and numbered T-shirts are not Muslim clothing (did I mention how math wasn't our thing?)”.

However, the most ridiculous aspect is the edict to “remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system’s despotic international rules.” Hey, just because most Muslim country's teams suck, doesn't mean we change the rules. It's not like we're special needs children.

Verdict: Don't hate the player, hate the game. Football is Awesome. Just send some Verrry liberal Islamic Missionaries to Brazil and we'll be fine. 
Source: “A Fatwa on Football”, The Guardian, Monday 31 October 2005.
Corralling in The Wives of Afghan County

The Fatwa: 
Islamicly Getting it On.
In 2007, the former dean of Islamic law at al-Azhar University in Cairo issued a fatwa that nudity during sexual intercourse invalidates a marriage between husband and wife. Suad Saleh, head of the women’s department of Al-Azhar’s Islamic studies, pleaded for sanity saying that “anything that can bring spouses closer to each other” and Islamic scholar Abdel Muti concurred, saying “Nothing is prohibited during marital sex, except of course sodomy.”

For his part, Al-Azhar’s fatwa committee chairman Abdullah Megawar backpedaled and said that married couples could see each other naked but should really cover up with a blanket during sex. He was also treated for physical self esteem issues. 

He was also very hungry

Verdict: many inappropriate jokes I could make that would book me a first class ticket straight to hell....

The Fatwa: 
Ezzat Attiya: Adult Breastfeeding in the Workplace
In May 2007, Ezzat Attiya wondered how unrelated men and women could work together in the same office, when Islam forbids men and women who aren’t married or related to be alone together. His answer: let her suckle him FIVE TIMES. Yes, that’s right, an adult female breastfeeding an adult male coworker will defuse all sexual tension in the office.

Confused? See, the female worker will now be the male worker’s foster mother, and they can be alone together anytime. Attiya’s ruling was widely mocked...well by me anyway. He was later suspended from his job, bludgeoned for outright idiocracy in Arab newspapers. He later issued a retraction saying it was a “bad interpretation of a particular case.”

Privately, green elves have informed the multiple personalities of Alpha Za that Attiya  feels he has the support to launch a World Wide Jihad for his cause. He was last seen testing this thesis in the red light district in Amsterdam.

Verdict: Someone's been watching too much porn....and needs to get over his Mommy issues. 
Source: “A Fatwa Free-for-All In the Islamic World”, New York Times, Michael Slackman, Monday, June 11, 2007.

I'm a rather understanding fellow, but even I can't publicly defend most of this. Even if some of it's out of context or just misunderstood....what the hell? Are you guys really kidding me..... Do we not already have enough of a PR disaster?

Maybe what the Muslim's need are better, less juvenile Clerics in order to have a nation of better Muslims. 

Much thanks to:


Gorilla Bananas said...

When the Taliban were in power, I heard that they shaved the heads of a visiting football team from Pakistan that dared to walk onto the pitch wearing shorts. Did anyone tale a picture of those 11 slapheads when they got home? I'd really love to see those slapheads.

The mullah who advocated tit-sucking deserves some kudos for creative thinking and veneration of the erect nipple. He could make a lot of converts if they let him loose in the West.

Maryam said...

... Wow. Just... O_o. Oh, wait I shouldn't have done that. For that matter, I shouldn't even be talking to you. Haina?


Oh, oops. Another meestakes.

Alpha Za said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: Well, if all they did was shave off their heads, those guys got off easy. The Taliban had a penchant for using their football fields for executions, beatings, decapitations etc.

I think we'd like to restrict that particular tit worshipping/breast milk fetish chap to his toilet seat if at all possible, atleast until all that bullshit drains out.

@ Maryam: Haha, thanks for the comment, even if it means that you've incurred the wrath of the Muslim Ummah. We tend to not appreciate things like...discourse.

mestake after mestake! blame it on Satan's puppies, that's what I'd do. said...

This was really informative. Thanks for actually making me appreciate my assinine country. Geeze. Mickey mouse? Jerry? Sure, Walt Disney was Satan's cousin (or twin brother), but not the Mouse! Jury's still out on Jerry. I find him annoying.

Unknown said...

Your posts are brilliant, Informative n humorous.
Love them.

Amna K said...

I remember having a drawing-room discussion on the topic of fatwas and since we were discussing Pakistani Islamic scholars, the conclusion made was that Pakistan's government is too busy being corrupt that they don't wish or plan (because that would be a waste of money) to send their scholars abroad for research and higher Islamic studies. That's one of the most important reasons why we get to hear crazy, extreme and illogical fatwas in atleast Pakistani mosques and institutions. The scholars you mentioned here aren't Pakistani, and if the Islamic institutions abroad (like Cairo you stated) are producing such marvelous crap, then that means it's better that our government is not actually 'wasting' money on our poor, poor scholars. Corruption Mubarak to them. (It also means I need to have that drawing-room discussion again!)

All this is just pathetic.

And your verdicts are just super fun! ;-)

Alpha Za said...

@ RawkinRobyn: Thanks for the comment, glad to be of service! It's a good thing that they didn't say anything about Snoopy...Snoopy is awesome.

Walt's lineage will always remain controversial. Though he did steal the idea for Mickey Mouse from Steamboat Willie!

@ Bebo: Aw, thanks dude, glad you enjoyed it. News with a hint of satire, that is the way to roll!

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Thanks for the comment. Drawing room Discussions Zindabad!

The problem is that alot of these foreign scholars have weight with the local clerics. It just so happens that the silly ones get the best press coverage.

Me thinks, we probably need some better Islamic schools. Invest in that, and promise them that they're bank accounts won't suffer.

Yo Mista! said...

Excellent post dude. This is just insane. I want to smoke what these guys are smoking.

No but seriously, do you know what these guys are smoking?

Alpha Za said...

@ Yo Mista: Thanks for the comment dude. I think everyone wants to smoke what these guys are smoking.

Hell, I'd love to bulk order that shit.

I imagine its the stuff that the Afghan Taliban 'banned'...laced with breast milk and rolled in mickey mouse paper.

Maryam said...

Haha! Amazing! Your posts are indeed informative and hilarious!

Alpha Za said...

@ MK: Thanks for the comment. From the message thread, it seems like a theme is developing.


A: Informative
B: Humorous

Dr. Capt. Stownwhal Jaxson said...

Hey Alpha Za, your blog is funny and humorous! Bravo really! Thanks for reading my blog and commenting too.

The part about the naked sex in this post made me laugh. Great idea naked sex, its sex only with no clothes on! Wish I was there to blow that cleric's mind with that one

Can wait till the Koran or Quran I ordered arrives so I can become a cleric and declare a fwatwa on the word, "no" and the word "the."

Rashi said...

I liked the satire. well put but heavy.
enjoyed the scroll.

Alpha Za said...

@ Stonwhal Jaxson: Thanks man, appreciate the comment and compliment.

I actually really enjoy your blog and will definitely be following it to what your brand of craziness.

I was thinking about that, maybe the Cleric meant getting in on in Public? Or maybe he's launching a brand of clothe for easy 'getting it on' access....or maybe he's just smoking alot of fantastic hash.

No & The...we'd be seriously fucked then.

@ Rashi: Thanks for the comment Rashi, glad that the satire took hold and the depth didn't bum you out.

ash89 said...

God this is funny!!
My favourite is the one which says that emoticons are evil!! :D

RiĆ  said...

Very interesting post there...but b careful u might get a fatwa for writing such a post. :P Oops!!

Alpha Za said...

@ash: Thanks for the comment, glad you found it funny. I'm frankly impressed that they knew what emoticons are in the first place.

@ Ria: haha thankyou for the comment and the concern, I'll risk the fatwa...for mankind of course!

Ghausia said...

I don't care how good it is, if its wrapped in Mickey Mouse paper I am NOT smoking that shit.

On another note, while reading the part about no nekkid sex, my netbook's battery died. I think God's telling me you're hellspawn.

And on a topic-related note; What. The. Faaaack? How did you even write all of this without breaking down in tears?

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: thanks for commenting.

I think you may have a point...or need to charge you netbooks battery more often. Either way.

I'm obviously a man of immense fortitude. you should have seen me when I sent my baby sister off to college.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ubermouth: thanks for the comment. Coralling anything other than a bunch of sheep is disturbing.

I hope they do, I have heard of a few cases of groups of women kicking the shit out of corrupt judges and Mullahs.

I applaud you, and commend you to further acts of liberation of Muslim women.

Haha, if you were married to a typical, traditional muslim mail, yes, I can certainly figure out a few contentious points!

that said, all's well that ends well.

Pesto Sauce said...

I wish there were more guys like you around who could see through the walls of idiosyncracy. I am not a Muslim though living in a Muslim country now and can only appreciate your outlook

Ghausia said...

Hey I charge it quite often. You're just hellspawn.

I salute you sir. Your services to the blogosphere are greatly appreciated.

Adult Toys said...

There is nothing sadder than a satiated satire Grinch. In this blog the picture is showing the world’s craziest fatwas supported by fundamentalist Army.

Alpha Za said...

@ Pesto Sauce: Thanks for the comment, I think that they're actually alot of people like myself who see through the walls of idiosyncrasy, but our voices tend to get drowned out by the media at large which prefers extrapolating on the more fundamentalist positions....who can blame them, it makes for good media.

Ouch, hope that you're adjusting well to living in a Muslim country. It's a worthwhile experience.

@ Ghausia: Apparently not often enough :P

Fine, Hellspawn I am...and a Satire Grinch. I'm going to brand and copyright this shit!

My services to the blogosphere and humananity are as infinite as my humility.

@ Adult Toys: thank you for commenting. The sadness lies in the truth of it all.

As for the fundamentalist army bit, I'd like to point out that no where are any of these enforced or taken seriously, it's merely ridiculing religious leaders positions which are now marginalized. Everyone makes mistakes, some are just easier to make fun off.

Madame DeFarge said...

I am not entirely sure how I can comment on the pronouncements of another bunch of religious leaders, when christianity has rather too many years of nonsense behind it. But I'm off to get a blanket for M. DeFarge.

Alpha Za said...

@ Madame Defarge: Thanks for the comment, I think all religions are guilty of stupidity, after all, they are all run by humans...and we're not exactly the most perfect lot.

Good luck with your blanket search.

Falaxy said...

eventhough i am pretty religious (in my own way :P) i do agreee fatwas can get pretty ridiculous at times... have you heard the one where some guy in saudi said women should breastfeed their drivers so travelling alone with them would be halal?? :p now that is screwed up!! totally belongs on your list, if not at the top!

Alpha Za said...

@ Falaxy: Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed the post.

Haha, and yes, I have heard of that particularly insane fatwa. I actually did a post on it . Check it out! I daresay that you'll find it amusing.

drama queen said...

LMAO @ 'Islamicly Getting it On'
Truly enjoyed this one! :)

obssesor said...

The breastfeeding fatwa was the heights, we on this side of the border too have atrocious fatwas too but the ones you mentioned take the cake!

Alpha Za said...

@ Drama Queen: haha, thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed yourself; though I think Islamically getting it on might have some execution faults...;)

@ Obssesor: Thanks for the comment, what can I say, we sure know how to excel at stupid moronic fatwas.

Sufyan said...

Hey, media doesn't always portray true picture so be careful. They need to make things interesting to sell more papers. The first fatwa you typed in here by sheikh bin baaz rahimahullah is wrong. He actually said that earth is round like a ball when a question was asked to him. You can see it here.

The thing he referred as flat is what every science student knows that a very big sphere's small portion of surface is flat thats what he tried to refer there.

Alpha Za said...

@ Sufyan: Thanks for the comment and pointing out that discrepancy.

Very Interesting.

Anonymous said...

//The. Faaaack? How did you even write all of this without breaking down in tears?

I totally agree with this. I wonder if people really believed on these fatwas and follow them.

And you missed another popular one, Muslims should not say HELLO, because it means the one who came from HELL : D

oopps, i shouldnt be typing these emoticons : P

Mariam said...

//The. Faaaack? How did you even write all of this without breaking down in tears?

I totally agree with this. I wonder if people really believed on these fatwas and follow them.

And you missed another popular one, Muslims should not say HELLO, because it means the one who came from HELL : D

oopps, i shouldnt be typing these emoticons : P

Alpha Za said...

@ Mariam: Thanks for the comment, and the ode to my manliness.

I am obviously a man of immense fortitude and testicles of steel.

I would hope relatively few people actually follow them, but that said, the world never ceases to amaze me.

Hello....Hell is an English word. I'm just waiting for the anti English language's coming.

Your Emotican usage has definitely dammed all of our souls... argh!!!

Naruan said...

Anti-English fatwa could be the next in the row.

Alpha Za said...

@ Naruan: Crazier things have happened.

Saad Khan said...

Such is the use of fatwa throughout my village; Women wants to get rid of her husband, she spread a rumor about him burning a Quran which leads to ..guess what..*Drums rolling* FATWA
Few hours later, whole village will be chasing after him until he climbs on a tree, which results into them cutting the tree to the ground, Murder ensues after this :)

Alpha Za said...

@ Saad Khan: Thanks for the contribution, the misuse and manipulations of Fatwas knows no bounds. Though, I must say, this must be a very convincing lady, or a rather gullible village.

How did he possibly think that climbing a tree was a good idea? Maybe this was Evolution's way of saying...'hey, hold on, not you buddy, your line ends here'.

Ron said...

nice your site thanks for sharing love you all team good work keep it up.

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