KGS: Hello World! I am Grammarian Scum

nun lucerna pedibus meis verbum tuum et lumen semitis meis

Thy word is a lantern unto my feet and a light unto my paths.

-Jerome’s Latin Vulgate (405 AD)

Ever so often, in both my professional and personal life I am  pointedly reminded of one thing. Not that I am Desi, Shia Muslim, Wear Glasses or that I have a complete lack of rhythm, but that I am a Grammarian.; hence Elitist Ass Kicking Scum. Not that I particularly mind, being the recipient of the best educational institution in the country has its advantages. Chiefly that the uniform doesn't make one look like an idiot. White shirt with Grey Tussar trousers....and no emblem. The fact that its a kick ass school helps too.

Grammarians

Karachi Grammar School has, as most educational institutions that one is forced to attend for a decade or so, has shaped my upbringing, my opportunities and even my friends. It's without competition, the best School in the country (sorry young pretenders, look on the bright side, second place is wide open). It's because of this privileged experience and subsequent exposure that I have often been lectured that a  being a Grammarian, is a responsibility, a privilege and as cliched as it sounds, a burden. Much is given, much more is expected.

I thrive in it, I love it and damn it, I'm proud of it. Yes, you read right. I, a decent man in my mid-twenties am still damn proud of where I went to High School. I'd staple the fact onto my head if it weren't for the fact that I'm so Grammarian that the minute I start talking, people assume it. On the rare occasions that I somewhat reluctantly mention (it's bad manners to brag) that I went to Karachi Grammar School, the audience eyes widen and an envious glint tends to exhibit itself in a rather disconcerting way. A quick self check tends to validate that my clothes are still on and I'm not dancing in a burlesque club (Thank God, I was not kidding about the sense of rhythm). It rather creepy when someone looks at you with that crazed 'are you an Alien' look. I get better treatment from the good folks at Homeland Security (USA). Atleast they are satisfied after the initial pat down.

Now since I'm a Grammarian, hence a minority, even though not quite an endangered species, I still contend that one ought to defend those rights and remove those popular misconceptions about my 'species'. Apparently Grammarians are a species, I'm guessing Elvin.

I'm sure most Grammarian vs. Other School fights are sparked to life by an inherent curiosity if Grammarians bleed like the rest of Pakistan. We do. The blood is a Royal Purple though. Damn, we're so misunderstood.

Popular conceptions about Grammarians:

1. We're Shallow Snobs; We think we're better than everyone else. Now, every school has it's crowd of Shallow Snobs, Grammar is no different, at least ours can make some modicum of sense. It's called, prestige with a healthy side order of  'I don't give a shit.' Super Size please?

Benazir Bhutto: Grammarian Alumni

On a serious note, when everyone treats you like you're the direct progeny of Albert Einstein, you're bound to develop some airs. After a point, you tend to be drawn to people who go through that same experience. It's tough, particularly when you're not even old enough to drive (legally, or reach the gas pedal for that matter). Its not snobbery, it's just human, we are drawn to others with a similarity of habits. Saddam Hussein and Attila the Hun would have also gotten along famously....if they both were smart enough to get into Grammar School.   

2. Weak Food Processing Durability: We get sick from an old fashioned street bun kebab. Weak stomachs and all that, the addiction to mineral water aside, yes we do tend to consume hygienic food, it's certainly a massive cause for shame. We'll just wallow in misery as our life expectancy outlast the rest of the population. Though in some circles one could contend that we're simply averaging the life expectancy up. True Patriots! Take that World Health Statistics!

3. We can't speak Urdu: Largely True, mine sucks, and as much it must pain me to admit, my Urdu speaking scale generally reflect the average Grammarian level. I know for a fact that my version of Urdu adds countless thousands of rupees to my net spending. Thankfully, by being a Grammarian, I tend to earn countless thousands of rupees more.....my personal conclusion being .....So freaking what? Pump up the Economy me and my peeps do. On a side note, our Urdu isn't as bad as most people think, if you don't believe me, check out the number of A's we score in our O'Levels. It's totally Mash'allah.

4. We have accents: I never quite understood this one. Just because we (by in large) don't speak with a desi jhutt (slang) to all of our pronunciations, speaks volumes of our ability to enunciate. Sue me, we prefer pronouncing words correctly. As God, the Queen of England and my 8th Grade English Language Teacher Mrs. Tahir (who despite describing most of my behavior in words like Audacity and Temerity actually quite liked me) intended. Personally I rather blame all of the other language teachers in Pakistan, they obviously didn't grow up with the luxury of watching copious amounts of Mind Your Language, Yes Minister and Hugh Grant.

5. We all take Tuition Classes: Apparently being academic superstars isn't quite as impressive if you are getting extra help outside school. However, I'd like to point out that so does everyone else, we're quite the academic trendsetters. Next up, Grammarians will become fantastic alcoholics....oops, we've already got that reputation signed sealed and delivered. I wonder if parents blame Grammarians for extensively liberalizing their Wannabe Grammarian kids.....

We're also that Elitist Save the World Cretins Too!

Working harder and putting that extra academic effort also tends to explains why KGS students do better than most other schools. It's not rocket science. We have 6 hours of regular school in a day and on average another 4 hours of tuition....plus homework. So, it's not that we're just overtly smarter (which we would humbly admit that we are), we've also developed this mildly useful thing called work ethic. 

6. We're all super smart: It is no secret that Karachi Grammar School is the most  competitive school to gain admission into in Pakistan. On admission form collection days, parents tend to outnumber the entire student body. We call it, we only want the best of the best syndrome. Choosy lot we are. That is unless you have some political birth right, odds are that you need substantial levels of brain power to be accepted. Admittedly, we tend to discriminate on ability, it's called a meritocracy. After all, you can't fix stupid. Inequality is soooooo unfair.

How many Grammarian girls can you fit into a car?....A World Record Number Infact

7. Grammarians are Westernized: We are just as proud of being Pakistani as anyone else, and believe or not we have alot more to lose if Pakistan doesn't emerge from it's perpetual crisis state than most other people.  A fair proportion of Grammarians do leave Pakistan to pursue a future elsewhere, but most do make their homes here in Pakistan. True some of us may pick up western habits like fancy new designer clothes or a penchant for civilized behavior, but hey, a few chai's at Cafe Clifton, Dinners at BBQ tonight and the odd trip to Sunday Bazaar solves that. I personally recommend a healthy addiction to Slice Mango Juice, Apple Sidra and Pakola Lime.

8. We're All Rich: Contrary to the lines of cars one sees outside the Grammar campuses in Saddar and Boat Basin, the student body of KGS is actually fairly diverse along both socio economic and religious lines. In terms of fees the school is actually the cheapest amongst it's peers (haha, that's assuming we even had peers, which we don't). On top of the lower fees, there are also numerous scholarships for students that are based solely on merit. We take the brilliant and make them even better. That's our modus operandi, if the perception exists that all Grammarians are rich, it's because the student body that emerges excels in every field it meanders into....and that usually result in a pretty substantive payoff. That's a testament to the dogged Grammarian spirit and the reputation of the educational institution. 

9. We have the best looking girls: Yes. Guilty as charged. It's the reason that every male child works so damn hard to get into KGS. It's all about the Chicitas. Pity the ladies tend to be of the smart variety. Tip: Learn some sappy sonnets.  

10. We have an unfair advantage in Life. Yep, we do. That's what we get for being Awesome.

Kofi Annan: Grammarian Alumni

Contrary to popular opinion, no one is born a Grammarian, they earn it, through perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style. All satire aside, you make your own place in the world, being a Grammarian and learning the lessons the institution has to offer just gives you a stronger starting point. The rest is up to your  personal drive, ambition and character. We're just lucky that we tend to attract those who have it in abundance.

Let the Grammarian Hating Begin.

For more information on Karachi Grammar School: 

http://www.kgs.edu.pk/Default.aspx

http://www.ogs.com.pk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karachi_Grammar_School

Insane Aunties: The Scourge of The Sub-Continent

We're Coming For Your Brains!.....Betas loge!

Whilst men, like myself, are quite adept at proclaiming a general lack of fear in our 'manly' endeavors to climb mountains, enter in hot dog eating contests, date our friend's sisters (just kidding...or am I?), drink milk after a substantive meal of Nihari or even drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, there is one thing that makes all desi men quake in there boot. Aunties. Crazy ones. 

I even have a complex, mathematical formula that quantitatively expresses the conundrum, in...well...loosely put....BS form. Bhai Statistical....ism...ish....stuff.

Puppies + Goldilocks + Maldivian Coffee = Darth Vader

Proof: Puppies are deceptively cute till they bite you. Goldilocks is a nasty wench who goes around sleeping in people's beds and eating their food. No one like Maldivian Coffee; because it gives you the runs. Hence, No one likes Darth Vader because he smells like Maldivan Coffee has the propensity take other peoples stuff and he's a wench. 

Darth Vader = Desi Genes

Proof: If their mothers and bosses would let them, Desi guys would own nothing else other than black clothing and talk in throaty cig-wretched voices. Can't mess with Science. 

Female Puppies = Rabies = Aunties

Puppies have rabies, since rabies rhymes with babies and Aunties have babies or call everyone baby, therefore they are just like Aunties.

Desi + Aunties = Insane Aunties   

Proof: Brown Aunties have a special skin pigment that upon coming into contact with Rabies mutates them into a Chai drinking Zombie on Ecstasy. 

Aunties + Rabies = Insane Aunites = Darth Vader = Evil

Proof: All Aunties have rabies are insane, and by virtue of being Desi are insane and do inappropriate things like Darth Vader. Like looting, pillaging, murdering, lying, stealing, coughing, war mongering, cheating (for a more complete list, refer to Star Wars). 

Hey, Pinky, we're So hip na, your son is soooo Hot!

Every Desi person is well aware of the 'Insane Aunty syndrome' that has infected our happy, peace loving society. What is surprising about this condition is that every desi women's catches it...usually in wedding halls (close proximity in tight spaces is a boon for diseases of all sorts), it just manifests in different ways. 

Women, undergoing the Insane Aunty Phase can be cured; a detox of Hajj, the Bahamas or a dearth of 'good' marriage grade girls and boys is highly recommended. As is a charity they can pretend to be a substantial part off. These infected Aunties are actually rather easy to spot, they are often observed with latest big buggy sun glasses, latest designer wear that always seems a few inches too tight, are replete with over sized bags, state of the art cell phones (which they only use to call & occasionally take picture) and the talent to spread news faster than the black plague, or more currently, denguey. 

I'm not sure what it is about Pakistan that nurtures these women, but I'm betting on a conspiracy spearheaded by the insidious European Pygmies of North Southern Slovakia....it's a top secret group....like the Zionists!

I'm certain off is that there is some sort of genetic disposition in sub-continental women that, at a drop of a hat, makes them turn into bat shit fucking crazy beings hell bent on ridding the world of the unmarried, and mosquitoes. not necessarily in that order. 

In Pakistani, 'Hot Aunties' is a very popular search term. In the spirit of lucidity, I'm fairly confident that a disproportional number of these childish searches are by boys (and girls, I'm broad minded like that) seeking materials of the pornographic nature (Side note: I love that I can pretend to write like an adult). I think it's the Desi equivalent to MILF or perhaps the searchers were hoping to view their favorite Insane Aunty on Fire. 

Tell Us More About This North South Slovak Consipiracy!

Now Pakistani girls in general are rather blessed in the looks department. They have what can only be described as copy right on Diva'esque 'God deems that you'll definitely get married...if you want to' body type. However, once a woman enters the Aunty stage (loosely defined at say 35, though I do know a toddler lass who prances around with an over sized hand bag, cell phone and shades large enough to protect her brain from UV rays), she tends to....um change.  

The Visual Facts Speak for themselves

The 'it's natural to put on a few pounds' comment, turns into several...dozen... of those 'few pounds', which is fine, because that's genetics. However, Insane Aunties love to 'barely notice' and have decade long conversations about everyone else's weight except for their own; I have the feeling that lack of mirrors and being self-delusional helps. As do prescription drugs.

PS: Their Tailors are lying to them about their waists.

Gossip: Aunties are criticized for minute things like not knowing how to use the world wide web. Which is true, but the reason why is very simple. Aunties are the world wide web. Gossip spreading in an aunty circles like a plague of well... denguey. 

Once a bit of gossip gets the tiniest bit of attention, one may as well have announced it in the north pole via loudspeaker. They're getting in on Facebook too....The Millat Kind (everyone's outgrown Orkut).

Insane Aunties have an enhanced sense of smell, which they use for their sleuthing. Want to know if a girl is pregnant, ask an insane aunty and she'll give you accurate intel. One whiff. The American Drug Traffickers Association must piss in their pants every time they see one. 

In an age where most older people can't understand cell phones, Insane Aunties have some psychic relationship with their phones, they always are on it, know when it's going to ring and why. I'm betting that there is a Swedish chip tucked away in the recesses of their brains. Right next to the hypocrisy ignorer kill switch.

Women carry massive bags, that's not secret. Insane Aunties, not only carry massive bags, they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of Sugar, Ketchup, Hot Sauce Sachets, BBQ Tonight Wet Wipes, decade old receipts,....and it's no wonder why they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of 'Bootilicious'. Kill me now. 

Devious; no matter what position you take, an aunty will be able to add some insight that makes it sound like she agrees with you. before she lambasts you later in a classy bitchy way ofcourse. they call it 'being polite'. Want to create a scandal? Tell her anything....even Alien stories work.

A nation of Match Makers: In a culture where arranged marriage are the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it get's done? it's the Auntie nation coming to the fore! Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate Peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made. 

The sad thing is that as crazy and ridiculous as Insane Aunties are, leaving the youth quivering in their wake, it's these kooks that help make our lives entertaining. So as much as the grief, it's totally worth it. No one complained about the plague after they died from it did they? If you can't beat them, know that eventually you'll be genetically required to join them.

Special thanks to all Desi women that do not morph into Insane Aunties. Your contribution to the male sanity is appreciated. 

10 Ways to Lose a Pakistani Girl

How does one get rid of a Pakistani girl? You've had your fun, the relationship has run its course, and you want to break up without being the one to do the actual breaking up. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just picking inane fights, here are some methods that I've noticed to be particularly effective.

I call it the Muhammad Asif

1. Poor Prioritizing: Prioritize ANYTHING over her. Medical Emergencies, Family, Work and Saving Accounts are not excluded.....unless of course they are hers. Pakistani women, have some sort of skewed perception that their partners world revolves around them. Considering our nation's abysmal productivity levels, that may as well be true. Make her your temporary number 2 and she'll permanently remove you from her life with the delicacy of a kabaddi match. 

2. Feelings: Not being 'sensitive' enough to her feeling. It astounds us, how anyone can have strong feelings about Sania Mirza wearing similar clothes to yours....it's a freaking Nike shirt! What is there to feel? However, if you are interested in retaining that lady's companionship services, it is both feasible and advantageous to pretend. Otherwise, just use the words 'feelings' and 'stupid' together in as many sentences as possible. 

3.  Hobby Defamation: Contend that shopping isn't a worth while pursuit and is an utter waste of any sane persons time and money. The only thing Pakistani women are more passionate about than judging other people are their own wardrobes....which they use as a yardstick to judge other women. There is also great utility in discussing the size of her wardrobe with all of the barebacked kids in Africa and why she doesn't feel guilty. 

4. Charm School: Be rude to her friends. All the time. Girls will only date men, once their friends deem them desirable. Start referring to her friends as the Team Piglet or the Tranny Nannies, You'll be replaced rather quickly once you are not show off worthy. Also show up to group outings in a poncho.... complete with a shalwar and Bata slippers and erase the word 'sorry' from your vocabulary when you speak to her....not even if her pet passes away.    

5. Peer Comparison: Compare your girlfriend to other women in your life. About how awesome a cook your mom is, about how wonderful your old ex-girlfriends are etc. and about how all the pretty girls at the office are so efficient, yet never have a hair out of place. Notice other women; If you really want to irritate her, tell all of her friends how chikni they look and how she looks 'sahee'....and look dead serious.

6. Call her all the time and ask stupid questions. The dumber the better. Like that your boss used a red pen instead of the blue pen when he wrote you a note and what means....on a deep level. She'll get annoyed read fast. Note: This doesn't work if she likes answering dumb questions too. If you really want to annoy her, as he about her favorite insect, rock, hair band etc or just about any arcane topic she, in all likely hood, knows nothing about....like cricket. 

7. Time Allocation: Not being up for a 'chitty chat' at 3 in the morning, after all what loser is in bed by then. Apparently, only the worthy are cognitively functional at a drops notice, even when sleep deprived. No man knows why you have the urge to talk to us at 3 Am. When a Pakistani girl want's to talk to you, you'd better get up and talk....and pretend to care what she's talking about. If you don't then go into a tirade about you favorite sports team, eventually she'll break up or hang up on you without your noticing. 

Generation Z Way

8. Question her Goals: Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and subsequently question whether she ought to be slightly more ambitious that wanting to get married and encouraging/pressuring her guy to get a big car, a big house for the sake of his own happiness. Apparently it's taboo to ask why a girl gives up her career after she gets married....even when the couple live with the guys family....and have a legion of servants.... Bad form it is. 

9. Emit Body odors in her presence on a regular basis. Women have a unique sensitivity to their own natural odors. Men, for the most part usually can burp, fart and shoot snot balls on command. Eat lots of oily food laced liberally with garlic and drink tonnes of fizzy drinks and you should be able have the wonderful lady in question break up with you.

10. Cheat on her: Proven to be the most effective. The closer the friend you cheat with, the higher the probability that she will break up with you. However, if she doesn't, take some respite in the fact that'll she'll do anything to keep you. You are a prize.

If all else fails. Deny Her Existence and of Any Relationship that might make your Mummy Mad.

Bored? Attack Humanitarian Aid Vessels

Israeli warships attacked at least one of the six ships carrying pro-Palestinian activists and aid for blockaded Gaza. The al Jazeera satellite channel reported that Israeli navy forces fired at the ship and boarded it, wounding the captain. 



Israel pointed the finger of blame at the activists on the boats, accusing them of initiating the deadly bloodshed when they attacked a naval boarding force with live fire, knives and clubs on some of the six ships.


The military said “it seems as if part of the participants onboard the ships were planning to lynch the forces.”
“As a result of this life-threatening and violent activity, naval forces employed riot dispersal means, including live fire,” it said.


Mark Regev, spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, too blamed the passengers.
“They initiated the violence,” Regev told AFP. “We made every possible effort to avoid this incident. The servicemen were given instructions that it was to be a police operation and to use maximum restraint.


Israeli officials said overnight the navy told the activists by radio to turn back toward Cyprus or head for the Israeli port of Ashdod to unload the 10,000 tonnes of aid, which Israel would then transfer to the Palestinians in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.

The convoy set off in international waters off Cyprus on Sunday in defiance of an Israeli-led blockade of Gaza.

The flotilla was organised by pro-Palestinian groups and a Turkish human rights organisation. Turkey had urged Israel to allow it safe passage and said the 10,000 tonnes of aid the convoy was carrying was humanitarian.

Details are sketchy, which they typically are whenever Israel is involved, which I imagine gives their spin doctors time to figure out what the fuck their tact is going to be, but preliminary reports suggest that Israel boarded a ship that was part of a convoy carrying humanitarian supplies such as food and medicine to gaza, and in the midst of waving their guns about, the passengers didn't take kindly to the Israeli forces forces presence and eventually around twenty people were killed and as many fifty were wounded. Then again other reports are like 19. We'll find out eventually. But even I couldn't initially fathom why Israel would attack the 'Freedom Flotilla'. Was it to prove that they are in control? Is this an exercise on how 'bad ass are we' or 'we do what we want'?

Now to be fair, the Israeli forces did declare that they would not allow the ship to reach the Hamas controlled Gaza strip, when they say embargo they mean embargo, but that said with all of the casualties on the Humanitarian Aid Providing Activists (the kind of committed people that make the rest of us feel like shit), I wonder how many Israeli troops were killed in the encounter.....yep. zero.

Now in their defense they may have been dressed in Kevlar, and there wasn't any tear gas handy, or perhaps the Israeli Warships didn't know when the ships rudder was in order to disable it, but regardless, the threat from these 700 knife wielding, fish throwing, gun toting, food delivering activists couldn't have been very strong if they injured only four Israeli sailors...hell, you can injure four guys just by climbing onto a boat. Especially, when they are black commando clad Israeli special forces bad asses being dropped from helicopters onto the ship.

Yes....So, when Israeli ministry said a quaint little 'boarding party' what they really meant was heavily armed guys dressed from head to toe in black being dropped onto the decks of ships at 4:30am.....seriously...has everyone gone cuckoo cuckoo? This is straight out of a Steven Segal flick. All we need now is some martial arts mayhem. Pity there weren't any Japanese Ninja's on board.

Now, I'm a rather open minded fellow. I don't blindly hate Israel or the Jews, because I think it's plain silly. I particularly turn into rock star mode when some religious fundamentalist conspiracy driveling walking Humiliation on Islam finds it in his place to inform me of the power of the Zionist conspiracy and then proceeds to talk about various things he see's on the internet. Because naturally, if your as poorly educated as this fella, once you read something, it must be Quranic....

To any here who feel particularly uncharitably to the World's Jewish Population, consider this. The Prophet treated the Jewish Citizens of the Arab Nations fairly and gave them freedom from religious persecution. Islam is a religion of Tolerance. You can't just be tolerant when you find it convenient or your peeved off at facebook. People are people yo. Some good, some bad, mostly shades of grey. Israel just gets the most crap.

Anyhow, back to the point, I have to say, I think Israel fucked up huge here. They were told that the ship would be coming, turkey assured them that it was carrying only humanitarian aid, there are no Israeli fatalities, no  footage (as yet) showing the belligerent hippies attacking the Israeli forces and worst of all the ships are full of journalists (including Pakistani channel Aaj TV's own Talat Hussain).

Now the right question is why not deliver the food to the Israeli's in the first place and let them hand it off. Well, firstly they don't trust the Israelis'. After all, if it wasn't for the bombing, attacks, land disputes etc, those supplies of food and medicine wouldn't be necessary in the first place. And secondly, Israel actually has no right to create that embargo. The reason they get away with it is because no one else in the region has either the balls or the navy to take on Israel's fleet.

The News black out created by a freaked out Israeli information service is hardly going to help when all of those peeved off, shot at, internet publishing journalists take our their laptops and take aim at the blundering Israeli military. By the end of it, they'll make it look like Israel carpet bombed a Toys R Us. Huge Fuck Ups. They need to hire the guy who designed this....

Fire the Military Strategist that thought it was a good idea to attack a Humana-fucking-tarian Convoy. Or just have Mossad make that imbecile disappear. Next time, find a few of your own 'Free Palestine' Israeli Jews and put them on the boat. It'll look way tolerant...and actually good PR for a change.

To All You Fabulous I Shit Glitter Folk

Why I Wrote This:

I am unfortunate enough to come across more than my own share of the 'fabulous' people, who wildly proclaim that they are sooo fabulous that they piss and shit glitter. Now the kicker is that these particular mutation of people aren't actually famous per say. But they just believe they are. Now, I know it's important for everyone to have a sense of self-importance, it's healthy and all that, but I rather not be involved in conversation with anyone involving how they are 'so famous, it's scary'...particularly as they are best described as Celeb leeches. 

I'm not exactly sure how it starts, but I imagine it has something to do with Facebook photographs and tagging. Once they get tagged standing next to someone 'famous', they get noticed and have something 'meaningful' to talk about for the next month, and soon an addiction kicks in. Suddenly, they consider themselves and their brushes/liaisons/insertions with relatively well known (broadly interpreting well known), as significant news that require frantic phone calls and multiple twitter updates.  

1. Celebrity Esteem: Just because you know, have hooked up with, or perhaps stole a sandwich from a mildly famous person doesn't mean you are particularly important. It means that you have low self esteem. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, after all, you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Being cool by association is sad. Be cool on your own damn right. Go climb K2 in a bikini whilst smoking a cigar or something. 

2. You are not Famous. Name dropping may sound grand in your own warped mind, but it's not. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't mean that I (or anyone else for that matter) noticed that it was you holding back a celebs hair when she was puking on camera. And why any one would like to draw attention to the fact that their moment of glory was Drunken Hair Management is beyond me. It's not like  anyone is going to put you on speed dial in case they need to revolt their latest meals contents and need your particular services. 

3. I Will Not Google You. If I did, I'm unlikely to follow your site, your twitter, your Facebook fan page, your blog or your official web page and I most certainly won't buy your Lance Armstrong style Magenta wrist band (FYI: wrist bands are over, and no you can't bring them back). Any fan mail you get is from your mother. 

4. You Do Not Warrant a Security Detail. No one is going to stalk you and people aren't going to swarm you at your local coffee shop. If you have security, hopefully it's to protect the general public from you.  

5. Stores Will Not be Shut down for You: If you walk into a store and have to start convincing the staff how famous and well known you are, and require that they shut the store down for your own personal safety, then the truth of the matter is that you are a nobody. Though the way the economy is going, odds are that the store will be empty anyway. 

6. Celebrity 'Free Stuff' Privileges: Celebs get free clothes where ever they shop, free meals where ever they eat. Odd considering they are the demographic that afford it, if you aren't gifted such items without asking, then you simply don't matter. Think of it as businesses feeling that there is nothing to gain from supplying their items to a glorified Celeb hanger on. Take a hint and bring your credit card with you when you decide to go shopping.  

7. No I haven't see You on TV: In a country with over 50 channels and growing, it's unlikely that the population continuously check the channels for your appearance. The real world doesn't watch or remember game show contestants. If you made a cameo appearance, I'm not going to be checking it out on YouTube and comment on how super star-esque you are. If I somehow do, I (and everyone else you coerce) will notice that you are the one whose made all the 'high five' comments.  If you are a VJ, and I did recognize you from a TV show, I'd mention it or have class and show nonchalance to ignore the fact that you flirt with random guys who have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Besides, how crappy are you that you have a show on a Saturday night? 

8. Quit with the Self promotion: If every conversation you have with people artfully steered towards what you said in your blog or in a conversation you had a with a famous person, I don't particularly care. You have a problem, and please, you are not allowed to 'quote' yourself. If you do manage to find a sycophant to make you a fan page, thats not cause for celebration, its cause to get sketched out. Get therapy...seriously

9. Not a Fan of being Famous Through You: No I don't want your wall paper on my desktop or want my photo taken with you and have the picture subsequently tagged on Facebook so people 'know' who I am. I couldn't care less. And honestly neither should you. Also I question those third tier losers who think it's neat to be cool by association to a person who thinks they are cool by association. 

10. Charitable Causes Doctrine: No I don't want to give to Haiti through a charity in your name. I think Pakistan has enough problems without sending money abroad. We still have displaced folk from the earth quakes not to mention a host of other problems...like people starving. However, if you wish to get mental treatment, I'd be happy to donate....as well as help stage your intervention. We can make it into a show even if it makes the process easier.

Big Idea:

I hate to be discriminatory, but you glorified Wannabe Celeb Hanger-Ons  annoy me. Superficiality should not be raised to the level of an art form. It should not be something to aspire to. People ought to develop their own self worth through their own achievements, and being friends with celebs is not an achievement of any sort. It's just a mark of how low our expectations of our selves can fall. 

Now, I hate to see people bask in their own brilliance (particularly if it's not me and it's not earned), but I truly do feel that some douchebags need to move out of LALA land, and perhaps give the real world a shot. Grow the Hell Up. 

I'm Tiger 'F**king' Woods

Warning: Extreme Profanity! (Just so you know that your kids will love it too).

Tiger Woods just released a very lame statement about how he's sorry and hopefully regain his fans (by fans he means sponsors) support back. I'm frankly disappointed, I expected the Tiger to come out swinging. I can't see how he in his presumably drunk, heavily medicated state would really, unload all the crap. For starters, find me a single sane lawyer who can argue that Tiger Woods is legally obligated to act in an appropriate faithful manner. Slavery is Over. 

If the man wants to cheat on his wife, with multiple combinations of gorgeous women and abuse narcotics, freaking let him. If you're golfer, do you think your chance of beating Tiger gets better when he's high or when he's sober. Destroy the man's professional pride and that'll hurt more than any media feces avalanche you can come up with. 

Now I recreated the Pre-press briefing strategy meetings in my head. 

So this is how I think prep camp went:

PR Asskisser: So Tiger, are you ready to run through the speech we gave you.

Tiger Woods: yeah, I left that at the strip club, but don't worry, I know exactly what I need to say.

PR Asskisser:  but...but we agreed on a script Mr. Woods, perhaps I can go back to the club and get your copy complete with the notes you made?

Tiger Woods: Doubtful, I jammed the paper up some Eastern European hotties anus, Kandi Kebab or something. 

PR Feminsta: Jesus Christ, that dimwit is High as Air Force one. 

Tiger Woods: I'm not high yet, but give me 30 minutes and I'll be banging Alice in Wonderland. 

PR Asskisser: Maybe we should let him do a run through to see how he does, after all, he's Tiger Woods, the man shits gold bricks under pressure.

Tiger Woods: Hot Ladies & Gentle fuckwads, thank you for being here; though I'm not exactly sure why the hell you leeches came, probably because shit like Iraq, Haiti, Health Care don't matter for shit anymore, but in fact think that the biggest story of the decade is the location of my huge swinging penis and the collateral damage it's caused to my marriage, not to mention vagina's everywhere. Thanks a lot, and to show you that no hard feeling, I'm going to bang your wives, daughters, hell even your grand mother is going to get a little Tiger. 

PR Asskisser: Uh, Tiger, I don't think you should say that. They are pissed that you pretended to be Family man awesome, the super hero of the ideal family man.   

Tiger woods (ignore him and keep going): So lets clear up a few things, firstly, the rumours are true, I'm huge, like a whale but on a tiny man's body. If you want proof ask those gold digging whores all looking for some quick bucks, never pick women off street corners....damn I should really just bang married women from now on.

PR Feminista: yeah, like how about your own wife.

Tiger Woods: bitch, watch your mouth. Those are the lips that kiss my kids good night. Besides, have you ever seen a woman give birth, because I have, and after you see your model wife poop on the flipping delivery table your attitude towards banging her goes a whole different way. 

PR Chief Ass Kisser: C'mon Tiger, if you want to get back on the tour, you gotta apologize.

Tiger Woods: To who exactly, I am Tiger Woods, I made Golf, I'm bigger than golf, fuck, my penis is bigger than all of the golfers put together. But hey guys, the news your all waiting for! I will eventually return to the tour, whenever, I god damn please, and don't freaking expects any interviews, and if you are wondering why I from time to time hook the ball and it smacks right into your head through the camera lens with pin point accuracy, say my name douche bag, it's Tiger Fucking Woods!. 

If I'm deemed too inappropriate for the tour, I'll still tag along maybe not to play, but to do my own sex tour, lets just say I'll still be shooting 18 holes a day in a competitive environment.

As it is, finding women on a fucking golf course is tough enough, can you imagine how much tougher it'll be to get away from my wife and minders. Game on. Be a Tiger.

PR Chief Ass Kisser: Good job Tiger, quote your sponsors!

Tiger Woods: To my fellow professional and yet largely unsuccessful golf pros, The only reason you little skanky shits are up in arms about this is because your utterly jealousy of me. I made Golf cool, and you know that the next generation of multi racial golfers are going to whup your prep school asses. You look to the future and see nothing but empty trophy closets, wearing Tyre shop sponsored sweaters and crappy Indian made golf clubs....Indian's don't even play golf you cheap fucks. And the kicker is that you are all going to remain completely broke ass. Suck on that.  You silly shits are an embarrassment to any profession. 

But hey I can't blame you mostly white elitist snobs. You lost Baseball & Soccer to Latinos, Basketball & Football to African Americans, and now you have to wake up every morning knowing a super half Asian half black hybrid is beating the pants off every white man on the tour, and that if their wives are blonde and hot, you can bet your bottom nickel that Tiger will be spending a lot of time practicing on their putting green.

Tiger: They say I have sex addiction, that's bull shit. All guys would be addicted to sex if they could get as many bimbos as I could, I'll bet you a billion freaking dollars, that women are the ones who came up with the sex addiction rap to justify their cheating husband. 

I am the Hugh Hefner of Golf. That wuss has to tell people that he's Hugh Hefner, I got laid in the damn middle east, do you know how hard it is to get laid there? But I did, take that Hugh, you old wrinkly skinned bum fuck.

PR Asskisser: Tiger, that's not going to work, Play boy actually wants to sign an endorsement deal with you.  

Tiger Woods: Hey I have an idea, why don't I just walk into the room, high five everyone and then leave without saying a word. 

PR Feminista: You read the speech we gave you and I'll blow you later. 

Tiger Woods: I'll read the speech and you do whatever disgusting thing I want, I'm paying for that new Armani suit you skank. 

(Tiger reads the actual speech, sheds some tears, gets laid and lives happily ever) 

The End

To see my last Tiger Woods Post: Click here

Be Nice to your Local Prostitute

Prostitutes; there is unlikely to be any group that has more prejudices against them than hookers. There have been countless debates both bashing and expressing sympathy for these prostitutes. Between hearing about how evil and morally depraved they are, and how sad it is, that they are being forced into this profession, I have a rather different take. 

How about this. Why don't we all gather together, grabs some red bulls, take donations and Thank them (the red bull and donation kitty is for me btw, financially the ladies do pretty well for themselves (and their dead beat husbands)).

Prostitutes are called a range of things, from home wreckers to Satan's mistresses etc. But I really do think they deserves society's thanks. It is the world oldest profession after all, lets take some pride in our historical traditions (incidentally it's much older than marriage). 

Can anyone compute how many unsatisfying marriages have been preserved as husbands, chose to hit up a brothel rather than embarking on an scandalous affair with the maid, nanny, office colleague, Secretary, random hot chick roaming around on the street?

Having met men in Pakistan in particular, I would offer that millions have been saved, and millions more will be. As human beings, its easy to hate someone if they are a vague stereotype, but if it's someone that people know personally. Well that is an emotional time bomb waiting to happen. 

As a people we take abnormal pride in the institution of marriage (family is everything etc etc etc blah blah blah...blah blah blah), so we tend to turn a blind eye to allegations of infidelity, and focus our attention on that damned hooker jauntily strolling on the side walk. 

Incidentally, maybe one should remind themselves that the only reason that the lady is there in the first place is because the guys in the community avail themselves to her services. 

I'm not saying that all women should start behaving like prostitutes in the bedroom (though I know any number of men who wouldn't be opposed)  or should blame themselves (which men cheating on them will liberally do anyway), but they should take comfort in that their men are (hopefully) discreetly going to professional....relievers, rather than having a public affair.   

I asked one of my friends, who admittedly has a wandering eye (only one, the other is on a perpetual lookout for his nosy wife) about his prolific infidelity, he offered this; 

'The only real difference between a whore and your wife, is that at least the whore tells you up front how much you'll have to pay; because either way you're paying for it.' 

It's a pretty blunt justification. He also spoke about the magical feeling of control and how it made him feel like a man etc, but he is a moron, so I tuned out as a hot girl walked by. 

Now I can go on for pages and pages about how morally depraved my friend is, how sad it is that he unable to keep his marriage vows  and what utter havoc he is engulfing his marriage in, but why bother. 

If he wanted my advice, he'd have asked me first (preferably before he grabbed his wallet and made his way to the working girl strip). Though, come to think of it, he did have the habit of carrying a lot of small bills on him.  

But the fact is that he didn't (and men in general don't), because we are all imperfect and try desperately to be better than we actually are. That facade is very important to any man, regardless of how little he respects his family. So it is important that it remain a secret for all involved, otherwise the ensuing scandals destroys not only his marriage, but the family network that (in all likelyhood) put them together in the first place. 

Seriously, blame the guys. They are rational adults (when not in heat) and make their own decisions (when their wives aren't making it for them), dumping blame on a girl who is trying to make ends meet is pretty hypocritical. 

After all, we are all a product of our circumstances, which is why Islam is a religion of tolerance. Which means, that we have a right to hold ourselves to whatever standards we wish, but we cannot impose our values and choices on others (though if we could, I vote for slutty skirt week). 

Oddly enough, in Bangladesh a cleric promulgated that Islamically, prostitution is legal and is a legitimate way for a gal to make some coin. Apparently no one here got the message. 

Ever wondered why? Because prostitution is not a religious issue, nor is it really a moral one. It is social, admittedly a lot of women are forced into it (by men btw), but end of the day we are all given choices and if a girl wishes to choose this profession, she ought to be lauded. After all, prostitutes typically have a nil to a no chance in hell probability to getting a life with the perfect man and a picket fence. She is instead a social outcast (albeit a fairly wealthy one).

She takes one for the team (team being the institution of long marriages ). 

No man takes pride in visiting a prostitute. If you ask a guy what he did today, he is unlikely to reply 

"oh that hooker strolling around on main street, she said I was so good, that she gave me a discount, What Up (high five)!"

A guy doesn't tell his friends about his liaisons unless he is an idiot. The fact is that most men are idiots (please refer to my Tiger Woods post for details), we are terribly at subtle lies, so an evening spent with a prostitute becomes a fully fledged battle with a gang of heroin addicts, one of whom gave him a hickey.....and lipstick on the collar...and was bathed in perfume (cheap to expensive depending on the Hookers rate). 

Women do realize that their spouses are cheating, they tend to instead focus their anger on the working girls rather than their husbands, who somehow are absolved of the blame, because hormonely men cannot resist an available women (even if the women costs 10% of that wealthy guys take home salary). That is flipping insane.  Besides, married women do benefit. 

Prostitutes are professionals. They know what they are doing. I am sure that guys learn (and perfect) a few tricks with them that their wives and girlfriends will appreciate later. 

Which begs the question; Ladies, ever wonder how your husband has finally improved their technique and has now mastered the art of spooning? Well look no further than your local street walker whom you jeer at on a daily basis. 

Stop throwing stones at them, instead throw a reef of flowers (if you have money then throw that into my donation kitty...and lob the red bull at me....very gently).