Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn

Council of Man: Man Made Movement!

Pakistani’s need a new kind of political force to sweep the nation, (not another sycophantic NGO or dissident party), I think it's time for a party that will represent MEN. I'd like to introduce The Man Made Movement (MMM), not to be confused with the dissident Jamaat Islami offshoot ‘Majalis and Maulanas Rock Movement’.

The Party shall be run by the Council of Man; Members are to include Movie Star Shaan, Rocker Ali Noor, Cricketer Shahid Afridi, Celebrity George Clooney, Golfer/Womanizer Tiger Woods and PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt. I nominate myself as communications director and the Chief Councilor of MMM (CM).

Our official symbol will be the Man Salute (Borat style High Five, followed by chest bump) to be recognized as the official symbol for Peace, Love and Brotherhood. We are also willing to undertake the risk of Swine flu and other diseases spreading exponentially, which would increase pharmaceutical firms share price and hence attract foreign investors.

In an innovative new concept, our parliamentary votes will openly be for sale, probably via E-bay. A significant percentage of the revenues will be used for the upliftment of men, the remaining portion is expected to stimulate the entertainment sector's contribution to the western notion of 'Bachelor Parties'....we also recommend Las Vegas trips....strongly.

There seems to be outrage over parliamentarians entitled perks, we feel that this needs to be corrected immediately and the PR be turned over to the MMM communications staff. The MMM advocates a position where all of the various perks such as Free Chai, Peons, Land Cruisers, Salary, Security detail, Air travel etc. This will be explained in exhaustive detail and used as part of an advertising campaign to actively recruit the youth into considering a career in politics....worked for the Armed Forces. Alternatively, bankers and other high level corporate positions packages can be revealed and vilified through the media.

Men’s Rights Bills;

There seem to be a lot of bills floating around for Women, I think men ought to get in on the action as well. After all, we vote too!!!

Men's Anti-Violence Bill; where forcing men to roam bazaars with women is deemed an affront to a man's emotional condition. We recommend Lassi treatments.

Battered Men bill; for men who are beaten by their wives. The men will be sentenced to bootcamp/prison for 6 months and will emerge as a Desi version of Rambo, complete with Vedera moustache and long range chalia spitting skills.

Man-ic depression to be recognized as a medical problem and special vacation leaves will be established (men love holidays); if women get maternity leave, so should guys....guys know how exhausting it is to work fulltime, manage their wives and their children all at the same time. We deserve some time off…preferably away in Dubai.

Establishment of a Man Rehabilitation Centre: A man exclusive treatment centre, Guys will be retaught the basics of fight club, how to watch cricket, smoke a Sheesha, blow smoke rings and curse like a man, be proficient in Kabbaddi, beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and be conditioned not to cry. For extra fees, complete emotional detachment courses will also be covered. We propose the location to be near an all girls college.

WORK PLACE:

We advocate a permanent 5 day work week, working 6 days a week is highly annoying, though we are mindful of the fact that women feel that they live in perpetual a 7 day work week. We feel that if MMM is successful in procuring an extra day off Pakistan’s largely male workforce will increase their productivity, be less irritable, enhance their family communication skills and help out more in the house work.....maybe...

FOREIGN POLICY:

Influence on Foreign Policy: High Fives being the way the President and other high level diplomats meet foreign leaders, it'll make Pakistan seem cooler to our allies and we'll get more foreign aid money; “Aw shucks, I had to give them the USD 5 billion Aid Package, he high fived me and let us have the meeting at a golf course, those Pakistani dudes is awesome.”

We also propose giving the United States and other key Allies fake keys to the nuclear arsenal. If they ever try accessing it, we can blame the Indian Locksmith we used.

SPORTS:

We all want seats on the parliamentary committee for sport. And free tickets to sporting events, yes, it's corrupt, but we are okay with it.  In exchange the party guarantees support any legislation related to religious morality. Quid pro quo.  

Sponsor and Host the first ever Man Olympics; Burping, farting and Eating contests, as well as tests of endurance of who can watch sports for the longest time without falling asleep. Events such as long distance spitting and arm wrestling are also under consideration. We conservatively project revenues from sponsorship, tourism and participation fees to be in the billions.

Holidays on all major and minor sporting occasions coupled with guarantees of no load shedding during sporting events. If we fail to support our national teams via television viewer ship ratings then we are indeed Un Patriotic Pakistani and our players have every reason to fix matches.

MISC:

World Peace bill: because we are international like that and demanding Peace is good inane politics. Precocious amount of blame will be leveled at Zionist scum for political pandering purposes.

A National What Up Day! A day celebrating ‘what up’, this will not just be for guys, but everyone. Every Pakistani citizen will be legally ‘encouraged’ (Anti-Terrorism Police and Rangers will be in charge of enforcement) to say what up to each other and give each other high fives, this will not only increase our tourism revenue.

More man space in shopping malls; Gaming Arcades, Kabaddi rings, indoor football and cricket space are to be incenticized. Men get bored in such consumer based environments and feel very pathetic following our womenfolk around (we can't let them go out alone, otherwise that might compromise their morality and our manliness).

Put the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on every TV channel by law. It is also recommended that a Cleric be found who is willing to proclaim the show is totally halal.

Abolish drug usage rights, grow, manufacture, export and tax. If this is not possible, the Council of Men is willing to compromise on a wide ranging subsidy on Glue. Trade with the Netherlands should increase by several billion dollars annually.

The Party promises to work for subsidies on foreign electronic equipment like big screen Tv's, Play stations and Cars (No Mini Coopers or any feminine looking cars; Proof of manliness required….like a copious number of cup-holders and ashtrays)

LEGAL;

Outlaw 4 marriages. Please. We can't do it anymore. The potential nagging, the whole 'if your tired of this wife, get another one, God lets you have 4' .....The law was made hundreds of year ago!!!! What the hell did we or the last 20 generations of men have to do about it? We only defend it because we want to be good Muslims. How many men do personally know who have more than one wife? Seriously. 

We demand that women be given as many rights as legally permissible, if for no other reason than to end their incessant whining. They whine less, we can enjoy our cricket matches and TV shows in peace....that is of course until they imagine something else to whine about.

The Big Idea.

The truth is that men want women to have their rights as well, but when the realm of religion versus vague traditions and political practicality come into play, we are typically at a loss to explain why, because it’s considered bad form to argue with ones elders and we have no desire to irritate the Almighty. So relax, and watch the MMM take over!

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