It Ain't Easy Being a Man

Why I Wrote This: 

I've been often informed what tragically difficult lives women lead, from being genetically forced to bear children (do the math on the marriage rate if you couldn't), cultural pressure, inequality etc, now, this annoys me, particularly if it doesn't actually apply to you and just like to just because it's fashionable to whine about it, because at some point in the future you expect yourself to be tormented by societies expectation. I get it, it's not cake walk being a girl, but lets clear something up, join the freaking club; it's no easier being a guy.

I doubt most/any women will agree with me (Mankind; losing arguments against women since Adam & Eve "why don't you just try  the apple?...one small bite"), but guys have our own set of problems;

Show me the Money (or at least tell me how much you make):  There is a huge concern by all parties (particularly match making Aunties) on how much of it we make. That's our damn business. Period.

Now some guy's are comfortable talking about their monthly 6 figure salaries, but it's a freaking recession for god's sake, it seems like really bad form. Going forward, post marriage, this exacerbates even further; It's a man responsibility to make the dough, if a women decides to bring in a nice chunk of change, then that's great, but ultimately it's the guys duty. 

For the very practical reason that if and God willing when a couple decide to have kids, the loss of the female partners salary shouldn't drastically hurt their standard of living. If it dips in the slightest, then it's the man's fault and he's culturally skewered for it.

Perfect Partner Syndrome; Girl's like to talk about the pressure they are under to get married and find the right guy. Join the club, for guy's the stakes are much higher. In Pakistan, when a couple gets married, the couple usually move into the guy's family home (tradition rather than necessity, unless you are a broke young couple). A wife seems a lot less perfect when she live in family home than they do if the couple simply lived in a different zip code. 

If it's a 'love' marriage, then hell, it's a diplomatic catastrophe waiting to happen. Because the guy will always be blamed for not bringing home an appropriate girl. Try placating your own mother and partner at the same time without taking sides, whilst living in the family home...I dare you. 

Job Pains: Job: If a guy has a boring, repetitive job, he ought to smile and bear it; to add insult to injury, he's made to feel that he's not working hard enough to find something better, on the other hand if a woman has a boring repetitive job its exploitation.

Lord help a guy if he tries to defend why women make less than men; it’s because you (married women) took 3 years off to have kids, you need to be home at a certain hour to be with the kids and employers are perpetually scared that any day now you are going to get up, get married and then quit (after she has used all of her paid leaves, and blame it on family pressure). Note: Can someone please explain me why there isn’t enough money left over from a ladies salary to pay for domestic staff? 

Career Orientations: Women don't have careers, they have hobbies, guys on the other hand are expected to have career goals. Plenty of women quit their 9-5's once they get married, or in the very least when they have children, a guy has no way out. Trust me, a lot of guys I know would love to wake up late mornings, yell at the sweeper for being lazy and then take an afternoon nap, but we don't get that option. 

Workplace Competition: Women rights activists lament how few women there are in the workplaces, now as true as that may be guys have a different spectrum of expectations; men compete with other men for position and growth, for women, there is no pressure to succeed, at best they get to kill time, make a good salary and find a man. 

If a women comes in, does well and gets promoted ahead of an similarly qualified guy, that’s equal opportunity; and that’s quite nice and all, the office might be treated to some cake. If a guy gets promoted ahead of a girl, it’s favoritism, nepotism and unfairism. We’d be lucky to get a Congrats card and a high five out of it.

Errands & odd jobs: Does 'can you grab the laundry, fix the tap and bring the pile of bricks indoor' sound familiar, well if your a guy you've heard some version of this exploitation. Even though a guy will (eventually) do it, in our heard we're screaming, why can't you grab the laundry? Do I look like a plumber? And what part of I have a slipped disk in my back did you not understand and can you please tell me why we bought a pile of bricks? In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s taking advantage of her. In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s the asshole who is taking advantage of her.

Women who make couple oriented decisions without men are liberated, men who make decisions without consulting their partners are chauvinistic. Go Figure. I guess we’ll continue to grim and bear it (worked so far). 

Acting Pain Vacant: men are never allowed to express pain, if they do, they are labeled as wimps. When a guy cuts his hand, he is required to profess that he feels no pain, needs no medical attention, and that it's nothing......For the love of God his hand is bleeding, there is blood every where and if he doesn't get a bandage, some pain killers and a Smoothie he's going to pass out. 

Guy feel pain, since we're obligated to act tough, it makes it awfully difficult to cheerily proclaim that it happens all the time and it doesn't hurt at all....really.....When women give birth, are they expected to extol how the pain is non-existent? No, the doctor shoots them up with as many drugs as legally permissible, and still it sounds like the delivery room has a collection of dying banshees. 

What do we Own: Guys are judged by their watches, suits, wallets, car's, houses and their (preferably offshore) bank accounts. 

Women are judged on their (preferably hot) looks and clothes, even if you factor in the cost of drastic plastic 'corrective' surgery, which do you is tougher to accumulate and is more superficial.  

With the growing trend of Pre-Nups, it's almost like it's like guys are being audited for a reverse long-term prostitution contract. 'So if we stay together 3 years and have 2 kids you owe me 12 million a month'. Lovely.  

Dating Women Expenditures: For men it is a privilege to pay for a date, and that should always remain true. But unless you are making serious bank, having to take your girl friend to upscale snob restaurants like Aqua Lounge and Okra on a weekly basis gets extraordinarily expensive, unless your family shits money. 

Shopping expeditions is a whole different story, if we're dragged along, it's not for advice (we're obligated to say, you look good in anything sweetie), it's to tactfully pick up the bill bill and pretend that we really really want to. When guy’s see a girl shopping bill, we see a potential X-box down the drain.

The Big Idea:  It sucks being a guy just as much as it does a girl, society judges in many of they ways that they do women. And to be honest, we’re okay for that, it’s the price we pay for being men. We’ll grim, bear it and pretend that it’s no burden at all. And to be honest, it should be hard, but if society & women in particular can make our lives a little bit easier, that would be wonderful. We’d return the favor. 

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article is printed with great reluctance on Dawn.com

Why I feel Sorry for Models

I have nothing against models or modeling as a profession, infact I think they provide a terrific public service, but I do have the deepest sympathy for them. 

The prance and pose in commercials, magazines, advertisements and corporate events and help set a brand's image. Wal-Mart gets their message out with Wholesome looking folk shopping at their mega stores (Due to their size, they usually need alot of models). Whilst edgier brands like Victoria Secret need drop dead gorgeous glamour gals.   

However, my sympathy is well directed to the spindly, painfully off balanced bodied Models that need to remain skinny enough to be considered acceptable by fashion gurus and media power brokers alike. 

Now, I'm not going to go into the viability or extreme pressure these girls are going through (I'm sorry, if you're a male model, you're doing it for the girls, and if your gay, your doing for the clothes). Conforming with societies expectations of models is hard enough, to be a successful model, can imagine how much of a bad girl you have to be? No longer can you just be chucked out of a club (do you know how hard it is for a hot girl to get thrown out of a club....hell some club owners would rather keep their puke as an inhouse momento rather than let them leave), but you have to be thrown out with style. 

Think being thrown out because not only did you wreck the entire VIP section (as was expected, though peeing on the walls will leave challenging stains to remove) and snort a line of oreo shaped coke off the bouncers shiny bald head, but because you defecated into the fish tank whilst taking shots with 13 year olds (Teen is the new 21). Even then, they may laugh and decide to let the fish die, throw the 13 year old bar stars out, whilst the bouncer Ebay's his scalp. 

What makes a model a model; being hot and thin. Extra skills are added bonuses, but as long as they are the reincarnation of Helen of Troy and Bambi (with less weight), they are good to go. But they have to slim down to get to where they need to be.

 

Now let's say, you're a model and are being advised to follow the Kate Moss's 3C's and 1V 'Rock Chic' diet, comprising of cigarrettes, coffee, champagne and vodka (I believe a substitution can be made for cocaine once the cigs stop helping). 

You're basically having an almost zero calorie intake (I think) and are being asked to function like a normal working human being.....One may say Appalling, but I say Bravo. Insanity personafied, but that is what extreme dedication is. Going the extra mile, and in a cutt throat industry like modeling, ofcourse it's going to be a little bit more extreme. 

I don't know how I could function at my job without my daily regimen of tea, let alone 3 square meals (btw, what food is actually square other than Wendy's burger patties?...which models will never be allowed to eat).   

People complain how models are bitchy and notoriously difficult to work with. Firstly its a numbers game, if they are mean to ten people in a day, and brighten up the lives of 4 million, then I think it's a pretty justifiable cost. Particularly as we don't really care about the ten martyrs. 

When you're eating less than you're actual body requirements, you do become dumber, the brain gets less nutrition and is less likely to function properly (or think at all for that matter). The brain barely has enough energy to remind the heart to keep beating as opposed to figuring out where Haiti is. 

Imagine if you haven't eaten (properly....in years), you're not allowed to eat, because every ounce you put on you'retiny malnourished little frame may as well be a pound of tummy fat. Your career is directly proportionate to the success you have in losing weight and looking hot. As human beings grow older, the harder that gets. So when Kate Moss is prancing around in her 30's looking supremely modelesque, I applaud her. 

So if you see a model, give them a smile and thank them for their contribution to society, and offer them a sandwich....no one that beautiful ought to go hungry. 

 

They're starving (and hot), be Nice to them. 

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).