Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

No One Cares About Your Degree...

Academia is boring. Studying is annoying. Degrees are useless. Kids go to school/college to socialize and hang out with their friends, hit on girls (if your privileged enough to go to a liberal (read Co-ed) school) and to avoid spending all day at home being shamed by their families into getting a job; the only people that attend school for the sheer purpose of academia are the ones whose best friends’ have names like Stanlake, Shakespeare and Farkhanda Noor. Not exactly the greatest conversationalists.

Now, I have no problem with these bright eyed few who equate educational water carrying to future greatness. I’d just like to point out that they are sorely mistaken if they think their hard work matters.

Why? Because in Pakistan, we don’t care about education. We pay lip service like every other country (good politics), but we don’t do anything about it (great politics). After all, why bother doing something about a ‘problem’ no one cares about?

Firstly, the numbers speak for themselves. We spend more on a single piece of military hardware than our entire education budget; Defense PKR 442bn versus PKR 34.5bn for education.....thank god foot soldiers are cheap…and largely uneducated. It’s also much easier to load up PSE’s with useless employees and then provide subsidies. Again, great politics, because people don’t care about education, they care about jobs. And you’ll always take time out of your day to help out the political party that gets you a job.

Secondly, contrary to popular opinion having a wall full of degrees doesn’t make you successful. It means you spent a lot of money and time in the hope that people will find it impressive. Pity that they don’t. “A's may pay, but D's get degrees”; wrong, a degree is a piece of paper. If one wants to succeed in Pakistan, they don’t need a degree. They need ‘contacts’, friends in high places and a liberal relationship with morals.

Dozens of officials are being slammed for possessing fake degrees. Instead of admonishing them, we ought to celebrate their brilliant complicity; after all, they didn't need a degree to be rich, successful and elected to parliament! The venerable Governor of Balochistan went as far as to claim that there is no distinction between a fake or real degree, after all, as he logically surmises, a degree is a degree. After all, they’re both a piece of paper. Never mind the difference between an elected leader and a military dictator…..after all, they’re both Presidents aren’t they?

On a financial stand point all of our Political head honchos are raging successes, and they did it without that measly piece of paper that everyone contends has value. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn't need one either. Education does not equate to success or measure ability, it measures time wasted, opportunities lost.

The Forever Talented Masses: I am tired about hearing how much untapped 'talent' there is in Pakistan. Now if there was so much talent, you'd think they'd be doing more with it. But they are not. In the unlikely scenario that this youth is more talented than your average vegetable, what have they done…. Other than complain? Verifiably awesome at that.

Pakistan is an agricultural economy. We grow stuff. We don't make computer chips. If you gave an average Pakistani farmer a fistful of $1000 Pentium chips, he'd dump them in his fields, and try to grow it...and they don’t, he'll blame the fertilizer , the government and the Zionists. We don’t need more computer science majors; we need people to work the fields and drive those Government subsidized Tractors, a computer programmer makes a terrible farmer…unless he plays Farmville.

Uneducated Electorate = Subservient sycophantic electorate. No Pakistani politician has ever democratically won his seat thanks to the 0.5% privileged rabble rousing educated segment of the population. They win because of the masses who couldn't tell the difference between a boti roll and a hot dog. Political parties have a greater scope to fool the masses if they haven't been taught how to think.

So, let's stop pretending that we education really matters. Over half our country is illiterate, and they seem to be doing alright. It's no biggie. There aren't any revolutionaries threatening to break down doors of parliament demanding things like good governance or any sort of Africa style famine pictures adorning our media's front pages. Things are A-OK.

In Pakistan degrees don’t matter. There. I said it. We don't need education. Well, let’s be generous and say we don’t need any more education (wouldn’t want those feisty ghost schools to go out of business). All we need is the Quran, and chaps that can interpret it for us, we tend to prefer the ones that we agree with.

Why bother investing in education when you can invest in bombs, bullets and government perks? No one cares about your degree; it’s just delaying your entry into the real world and considering the world we live in, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. No one cares, atleast not in Pakistan.

A Version of this Piece was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

The Inaccurate Story of How We Were Paid Off

Has anyone wondered why Pakistan, a deeply religious country, is allied with the United States; the chief exporters of convenient looking democracies? and instead of talking about the usual BS about moral imperatives and global securities, I decided to take a crack at it...be truthful and all that.

Money makes the world go round, round, round. And it's a principle that certainly applies to us. It's harder to buy people who have principles, rather than people who have swiss bank account bursting with space. We don't elect national leaders, we elect politicians, who have their own best interests at heart, when they coincide with the Pakistani people, it's highly fortuitous, but mostly, justifying it and spreading the wealth through their well paid militias.....I mean political activists. To be fair, when they spend their cash on sweet homes and fancy rides, that does do something for the public scenery.

We were paid off. Plain and simple. Pakistan's elite classes; the military, civil service, politicians, etc, may all enjoy a fairly western array of tastes and style, but the overarching nature is overtly conservative to the point of fundamentalist Islam. Practically, it plays well with the electorate to quote the Qurans (it's easy enough to ignore acting on it), particularly when your country's name is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

How it Started: Military Rule

Zia ul Haq (Z-Man), Pakistan's Islam obsessed military dictator in the 80's, ruled for a solid decade and made Islamic idealism, the key feature of his blue print for Pakistan; it justified his actions, his military support in Afghanistan (why the Russian, didn't tramp on into Pakistan for a cool Murree brew is beyond me).

Z-Man channeled support to the Afghan cause by fueling religious sentiment. this is hardly an innovative ploy, but he was praise worthily effective. As part of his re-invention on Pakistan, he took that generation of Pakistani's and inculcated them with a sweeping Islamic doctrine (You can't mess with God's Law, particularly if your masses are illiterate), and we are still paying for it. All of Pakistan's modern day political head honchos (it makes me cringe to call them leaders), are by-products of that era. No new influential, democratic political voice has emerged since then.

However, at the time, this was extremely pragmatic. We were promised enough money to build a house and burn ourselves in it. The US funded the Afghani Mujahideen, and Pakistan was it's strategic ally/errand boy.

So we felt compelled to gorge ourselves on as much money as our US allowance could support (and then some). Corruption was rampant, but it was nothing new. In fact, we were oddly okay with it. A religious war was being fought after all.

When the Afghan conflict ended with the Russian troop pull out, Pakistan lost it's strategic importance as the gulf war rose into prominence and became the new battle ground.

In essence, Pakistan was laid off, contract up, with no unemployment benefits. It sucked to be us, and we had to continue managing the remnants of the Afghan problem, having only theMujahideen as our only tool, we big brothered in a crazy conservative Islamic regime with highly ascetic tastes. It appealed to the whole Islamic Republic of Pakistan image we had going.

I'm actually pretty convinced I know how that policy came into place....in Pakistan, all strategic policy decisions are made on a lush Golf Course in Islamabad.

Corp Commander Anus: Hey guys, I'm really sorry for being late, my chopper took off late, because Colonel butt face started prayers early for some cool khutba (sermon) he heard from some Saudi Royalist, Osama something, one those Bin Laden boys....they went on forever.

Brigadier Butt: Ugh, those guys are such illiterate nut jobs, for the love of god they wasted so many missiles because they couldn't read the damn instructions on the Stingers Rocket Launchers. And then they have the nerve look at Afghanistan and see an Islamic victory, don't the realize that the 'infidels' are the ones who funded their suicidal crap. Hell, even the turbans they're wearing have labels that say 'Made in the USA', what the hell do they think that is, United Shambles of Algeria. bloody imbeciles.

General Cuntwalla: Yeah, that freaking General 'I Love the Quran' and his minions, they are always talking about Islamic piety and it's really freaking annoying, I hate to break it to that retard, but that Quran is Israeli made; they were simply cheaper. After a hard day, or well, even during a not so hard one, I really enjoy my glass of scotch (high fives are exchanged across the green), and so what if I do,go mind your own god damn business. What the Fuck difference does it make to their lives, if I'm plastered. It's not like we have nukes. ooh, I wish we could get rid of those assholes.

Corp Commander Anus: Say, I have an idea, why don't we send those cluster fucks to Afghanistan, it' s in pretty shitty state, and I can't find anyone who wants to be stationed there, there isn't a brewery for miles. They can go and live there, see how pious they'll feel after that hell hole. haha.

General Cuntwalla: Brilliant.

Brigadier Butt: Good Show, when should we tell the President.

Corp Commander Anus: eh, no need, he'll probably be replaced in a few weeks anyway, which reminds me, do any of you guys know anyone who want's to be the President? or maybe even the Cricket board chairman?

General Cuntwalla: By jove, I'll do the Cricket thing, I love getting smashed with those boys.

Golf Game Resumes

Shit Happens: Like the 90's & 9/11

That is until the late 90's when we officially became a nuclear power. whoopdee freaking doo. Because sanctions were the last thing we needed. After the sitting Prime Minister was overthrown in a military coup, we continued to remain on the fringes. Then 9/11 happened.

Our natural allies in Afghanistan refused to hand over Osama Bin Laden and the rest is history (well in the making). How no one questions the insanity of going to war over the hand over of a single person is beyond me.

But atleast the Afghan's had principles and couldn't be bought off....by anyone. In many Islamic traditions, a guest is to be honored and protected, no matter what the cost. It's a pity that so many Afghans had to pay with their innocence, their lively hoods and their lives. I can also bet you all of the money in my (empty) pocket, that they'd do the same all over again.

What did Pakistan do? Well, it was a happy day, after all, 'We were called into Service!', the military government was given legitimacy and a fistful of dollars were thrust into our greasy palms, complete with a speech on historic allies (it brought tears to my eyes...really).

As expected we gratefully accepted. Money in the Bank (even if it was money ending up in foreign accounts, but I'm not hating on corrupt officials right now).

We Are Still At It: The Mathematics of Consistency

Fast forward the better part of a decade, we're still on the payroll of the US government. New President (well, not really), same old policy. Got to love the consistency.

If left to their own devices (assuming that they are not already), government intelligence agencies and Pakistan's military would much rather be finding ways to co-exist with the 'Taliban'. For the love of god, they are Pakistani citizens (whether we like to admit it or not). And no humane person would condone widespread military action against it's own people, unless it was out of necessity. Here is the kicker. It really isn't.

How do you make a fairly Islamic looking fellow do your bidding. You buy him off, with more money than his limited imagination can take. Once that is done, he'll have set his price, and you'll know what it'll cost you. The problem arises when you breed a groups of individuals who believein the doctrine.

Then you have a problem you cannot control. In some cases you can hide them away, send them to India and pretend that they don't exist, but the truth is that they are out there and they always will be.

I'm sure some were created as an extreme counter balance to the decades long regime of institutional corruption. This doesn't make them good or bad, but it makes them committed to the Death. Herein lies the problem. You can't create religious Zealots and take away their cause without killing them. Even if you do, your just as likely to further their cause by devoting money, personnel and blood in order to do so.

On a strategic basis, for a country like say Pakistan, this makes utter sense, once you create them and let them loose in say...Afghanistan, you can indefinitely force Nato troops to camp out there. Highly advantageous, particularly when your country, in this case Pakistan, remains loyal....and flush with cash....indefinitely.

These Islamic Fundamentalist Nazis, were not created in a vacuum, they were carefully groomed to fight in Afghanistan, Kashmir and India. Turns out they don't like being told what to do, particularly as they've been on an extended power trip post US invasion, and they've noticed the liquor cabinets; No compromises, just principles (incidentally messed up ones).

There goal isn't creating an Islamic Pakistan, it's a turf war, it's a case of 'you get out of our hood, and we'll get out of yours'. But we (Pakistani forces) can't do that, because we're still in the employ of Pentagon.

So now now we are being paid to blast our own people out of oblivion...and we call the Taliban the terrorist. At least they believe in their principles, while all we've consistently believed in the almighty dollar. Fantastic. They pay in blood for what we did for Money.

How does this end? Well, it doesn't, not until hard line Islamists gain legitimate power and placate the nut jobs. Think it's unlikely that the people responsible for murder might get elected. It happened in Nepal. Maoist rebels are now in government with the Monarchy loyalists. Go figure, everyone needs to get paid off. I guess the moral of the story is that causes die down, the crusades only went on for as long as they did because the trade routes were profitable.

Money still makes the world go round, round, round.

A Deep Question

Q. What do you want to be in life?
Ans. Perfect....ly Awesome. (Only God gets to be Perfect and I'm still trying to get on his good side.

At some point in our lives, we tend to ask ourselves what is the meaning of life? Is there depth to our purpose here, or are we merely specks in the fabric of time, forever dancing to the tune of tick tock.


I think because life is so ephemeral in the grand scheme of things, we are always on a quest to prolong and make most of the experience. After all, there is nothing that guarantees that we won't drop dead any second now. Which reminds me, go have fun today! just in case.


We love living, and love the idea of immortality. We don't like to think of the practicality, the boredom, the changing times, losing the people we love and worst of all the loneliness. Which is probably why religions almost universally speak of the after life, a better place where life goes on or at least is continued in some fashion; Whether its frolicking in the gardens of Eden or dining in the Great Hall with Thor (I vote partying with Thor, apparently the bar maids are hot and they awesome dirty jokes).


To deserve that better place, we must be better people. With all of humanities imperfections, disastrous impulses we are gifted the ability and tools to overcome our shortcomings. Unfortunately, we prefer to keep the tools away for emergencies rather than keep them in good use.

We are given the freedom of choice to love, hate, feel whatever we wish. It is that choice that makes us unique. It also places a great burden on our shoulders to be better, if we hope to have a pleasant after life. Assuming you believe in the after life.

I remember a conversation I had with an atheist friend of mine, she had thrown a party celebrating her move from being a closet agnostic to full blown atheism. I hadn't really met any real intellectual atheists, the ones I had met were a mish mash rebellious pissed of girls, who still hadn't gotten over the fact that a God given anatomy would make them bleed once a month.

I obviously went over to admonish her and poke her alien like frame to make sure she was real. One thing about her conversion did trouble me, which I put to her. There was no tangible benefit for her giving up God. Very simply put if she believes in God (lets not get into selection worries) then on her death she has a shot at the afterlife, even if she's right, she dies with that sense of comfort. Both of these don't exist in her current state, which disconcerted me. She has nothing to look forward to in an athiest mindset, and if she's wrong about it all, she'll burn in hell. Sounds pretty freaking stupid.

Why is it that good people tend to lead 'boring' lives? I realized that it may seem boring to me, but they have different things that give them pleasure. The fulfilment of achievement and the promise of a better after life. We admire such people, but rarely enough to change our ways and follow them as our examples, preferring Jude Law to Edhi or Russel Brand to Mandela.


Obviously no one is perfect, humans aren't wired to be, but we can struggle to be better, do better, use our lives for the betterment of others. Whether it is one person or one billion, that love is the same. God doesn't demand we succeed, he only demands that you try as Mother Theresa is often quoted as saying. It is that honest effort that marks our betterment.


I think that their are many easy ways to better ourselves, whether its being charitable, smiling more, being understanding of others, helping people (especially at home) and random acts of kindness. But that choice is ours, and it is both our greatest asset and our greatest downfall. It's a pity its not a responsibility we are really up for.