Friday, January 29, 2010

Got any Laid off Homies?

The Global Economy is still in shambles. If one doubts that, then I'd recommend checking their respective countries level of unemployment as compared to last year.

There were a round of layoffs in a large local media organization recently, luckily as far as I know none of my friends were axed (none of them make enough money to warrant firing, talk about market efficiency). But it still made me think.....

How do you do with people who have recently lost their jobs? There is no play I have come up with several awesome courses of action. 

A: Leave them alone, go out have a bloody good time and compensate for their unhappiness by having a particularly legendary time. Although this may be highly enjoyable, and help you reduce the stress that they are going to be putting on your relationship with their whining and sulky, it may be a tad unkind. But there must be balance in the world. and there is no point for two people to be unhappy. Karma means balance. So if one is unhappy, you should make it your goal for that period of unhappiness to be super gay. It doesn't matter if it means, spending a week at a 24 hour rave; you must man up and bring balance back to the Universe! Probability of you feeling better is 100%, your friends would be markedly less, but thats the point of the balance. 

B: Get said friend and use him/her (preferably her) as a wing man/woman. The sadness of their predicament will garner sympathy from the opposite sex. Chicks will also dig that your blowing of a night of reckless partying to support your friend and hence you will score massive brownie point. In fact, your probability of scoring will conservatively increase by several thousand percentage points. Your friend may get laid too, but your primary focus should be one Number One. 

C: Find a place for them to relax and fume. And give them some company in case you feel like they may be suicidal (remember to bring your video camera along, media orgs' pay a tonne of money for that sort of stuff). Just kidding, of course your going to prevent any suicidal behavior from manifesting itself. Find a serene environment for them to relax, a spa treatment at a local parlour with a hot masseuse perhaps (complete with happy ending if your nice like that). 

D: Get them a hooker. If they aren't up for the idea, pay a hooker to seduce him/her unsuspectingly. At the very least it cheers them up and released the tension, best case scenario you have an awesome story to recount till the end of time. 

E: If this is a female friend and she is particularly sad, tell her how much you love her and want to marry her (even though you definitely don't), she'll think your the sweetest person in the world and she'll appreciate you for whatever it is she thought you did (men don't have a clue what women think, the sounds they make may as well be alien), and the desirable outcome has been reached as you've made her forget her problems (and actually made her your problem). The downside to this is that if she accepts....your fucked (even if your already married, Islam allows 4 wives)

F: Convince their boss that they are having a mental breakdown and if they are not rehired that everyone at the company may be unfortunately killed by Black water and your friend's pet poisonous  Tarantulas (they are tricky little buggers) if your friend isn't rehired at double his current salary. To show that you are serious, kill the boss's gold fish. 

G: Tough Love: Yell at them for being their top performer not saving their company for the ignominy of firing them. This may be harsh, but I convince for a few, this experience will make them stronger. If you really love them, then hire them to be your Personal Assistant and instill some tough work ethic into them, they'll eventually appreciate the mental pain, long hours, low pay and asshole boss. 

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